What was to post two weeks ago
A brief overview of Tuesday (4/7/2020) due to it being an emotional struggle for me; accomplished nothing but a 5 hour workday as a Home Health Aide. When I got home, I felt exhausted and had a severe headache that was close to a migraine. Upon arriving back, I worked on a freelance project, my blog, and watched the 2 pm OH News Conference after that cooked dinner for the family. My emotional struggle for me is I have always been busy, with work, family, volunteering, handling the housework/budget, and mine and my daughter’s schooling being very busy all day. Not giving myself time to be harmful unless I took the time to sit still; this is how I kept the bulk of my depression symptoms masked. Over a year and a half ago, my mild daily headaches turned severe with exhaustion and periodic loss of time.
This exhaustion has caused me to go from a 40-50 hour workweek to a 15 – 25 hour work week and decrease other aspects of my life. So the question on my bad days is, why am I such a failure and not push through this. When going to the doctors when this truly impacted my daily living, we began the Russian roulette of diagnosis. The first thyroid had it since the ’80s with and without medication and found medication always made my emotions worse numbers may be right, but my depression, exhaustion, and weight increased. Then a full blood panel showed low vitamin D only. Well, will you look at that they moved onto anxiety and depression which yes I have lived with since late teens; with and without medication over the years. Having been off all medications for 17 years in my eyes successfully, I was able to live life maybe not entirely, but I lived well. So back to medicine and waiting for testing for sleep apnea, which I have been treated for previously but not successfully. I feel like a failure that my exhaustion and headaches have not left and had to return to thyroid and depression medication.
What can I do to get myself to a place of peace since my current personal situation is anxiety and depression inducing? Took Tuesday night and part of this morning (Wednesday, 4/8/2020) that it is okay that I had limited success Wednesday will hopefully be better. Even though I am on 3 hours of sleep from a late-night thunderstorm and tornado warning, attempting to organize my day with 2-3 items to do that, I will work on then finish, a 20-minute break. The 2 pm News Conference I am going to watch while I am eating dinner instead of at 2 see if that helps give me more working time in the day. Brainstormed a list of tasks I wanted to accomplish today. Going to document how long it takes my responsibilities to complete so I can hopefully get an idea of where I am wasting time.
So two weeks later, I am just now returning to do things outside of getting up, laundry, cooking, daughter’s schooling, working, and sleeping. Exhaustion seems to have become my friend instead of moving forward toward adding activity to my day. The internal question is, am I a success or failure? Let’s touch base with Webster’s Dictionary and a definition because I see failure. Failure is a lack of success, according to Webster. With that in mind, what is success? Success is a favorable or desirable ending. These got me to thinking that failure and success are a personal choice and perception of the situation around you. Maybe a review of the past two weeks will help me determine my perception better of whether I am a success or failure.
Am I placing a false perception of my success? What I am thinking is that my depression and anxiety can trap me in my home and a private room for fear of failure and embarrassing myself.
When looking over the two weeks of activity and perceived inactivity
- Ran my family errands and went to work.
- Filled my vitamin and medication daily pill container
- Took my required prescriptions
- Deep Cleaned, tossed out, recycled, downsized, and organized rooms
- Maintained Family Dishes, Laundry, and necessary cleaning
- Took care of a sick dog
- Kept up on daughter’s high school classwork monitoring
- I wore a mask and gloves as requested by the CDC and State of OH even though I felt silly looking and think I was being stared at; side note the bag I put together, and I mentioned in a previous day works excellent – easy to grab what I need.
Even if the world may consider my last two weeks a failure of taking care of myself or family. They do not know my physical and emotional health. I may not be where I want to be energy-wise, but given what I am working with, there was a success in the past two weeks. All I can do is accept that I am not where I mentally placed my goals, but I did not fully crash and sleep for the last two weeks.
As individuals, we must determine what our success or failure point is. Anxiety and depression make that harder than people think, but it is our life and family we must find satisfaction in than trying to please those that do not know us or understand the fine line of success and perceived failure our disease brings us. Right now, I place the care of my family, home, finances, and job as my success. My goals will include downsizing, but that will come as my exhaustion, anxiety, and depression will allow.
Prayerfully I will return to writing as my days move forward, and I do not feel as crippled by my perceived failure. Truthfully maybe it is time for me to determine what I perceive as success and tweak that perception to fit the physical and emotional limitations I am currently living with and determine my goal of expanding my list of achievements.
Keep reaching for your goals even if it is only one step forward, after three steps backward. Everything can be a success; we need to see it that way.
Merriam Webster Dictionary, 4/25/2020
failure noun, fail·ure | \ ˈfāl-yər \ Definition of failure, 1a: omission of occurrence or performance specifically: a failing to perform a duty or expected action failure to pay the rent on time b (1) : a state of inability to perform a normal function kidney failure — compare HEART FAILURE (2) : an abrupt cessation of normal functioning a power failure c: a fracturing or giving way under stress structural failure 2 a: lack of success b: a failing in business : BANKRUPTCY
He was trying to rescue the company from failure. 3a : a falling short : DEFICIENCY
success noun suc·cess | \ sək-ˈses \ Definition of success 1 a: degree or measure of succeeding, b: favorable or desired outcome also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence 2: one that succeeds 3 obsolete : OUTCOME, RESULT