Journey of Mother’s Day

FeaturedJourney of Mother’s Day

Over the years of writing my journey through Mother’s Day, I strive to be uplifting, but on a personal note, I just feel apathetic. Unsure if this apathy comes from my mental health or just where I am in my journey as a mom. Even though I am a mom it is not something that is celebrated in our home. The daughter is eighteen and has no place for me in her life unless she needs something. And my husband comes from the mindset that ‘you are not my mom’. Where am I on this journey?

Current journey on the subject of motherhood and Mother’s Day is that I will still keep striving to be a mom to my daughter even though I may never hear the words I love you or thank you. I feel pain and childishness even complaining because there are people in the world that do not have children and want them, have lost children, and so many more scenarios. With that and the decision to just live life caring for who I have around me and just not overthinking this apathy, I feel on this day of “celebration”. I leave you with these two videos of wishful thinking and acceptance that life is a journey that does not look the same as everyone else’s. The joy is finding peace on the side road that is Mother’s Day. Tomorrow is another day to live and move forward.

CBS Sunday Morning – Making Mom a Star 5-9-2021

Below is a video from 2015 but is what made me realize that all of our mom’s life journey is different. Celebrate where you are even if it may not look like another’s.

Home Free – Mom – (Mother’s Day) Home Free Cover – 4/29/2015

May this day find everyone well. 

Thank you to those who read and sorry for the delay it has been a long month. Mental Health is an ebb and flow of good days balanced with the bad.

Thoughts on Perception

FeaturedThoughts on Perception

I was thinking over personal Perception and Public Perception. As I have found, both aspects are from the contemplative mood when writing about my life Journey with Family and Employment—trying to find a good way around my work journey. Saw myself stating aloud, ‘I Hate my Brain,’ which moved me to think about all of the canceled culture’s arguments and how destructive. Why do I even consider the views? It is not an aspect of culture that impacts my life. On a trim level, due to the nature of the store I work in, we are set in an area of low-income individuals and families with different levels of substance abuse, physical health, and mental health that impact their interaction with others. Many co-workers perceive everyone as ‘druggies,’ ‘thieves, or ‘stupid.’ I strive to look at as individuals we all are in situations that were either by our own choices or placed in positions, not by our options. They are trying to live in this world the best they can. Each person has a story and struggles the best they can with the mental or physical health journey and their Perception of life journey.  

Just as in the following piece from CBS Sunday Morning, there is a reminder of the different histories and reactions to various artists’ cancel culture. Found this very contemplative in choosing to interact with those around me what I watch or see in a public place as an individual. Loretta Loss speaks of the two-edge sword of accountability and criticism, whereas Aruna DeSuza feels this level of responsibility is positive. Richard Kenya came with the Perception that knowing the creator’s background also gave context to their creative work. The piece came as a beautiful range of how all individuals look at life. So it is up to me how I take the context of the individual or situations around me in determining my Perception of interacting with life around me. All I can do is interact as best I can with the direct one-on-one and more comprehensive picture of life’s journey.

CBS Sunday Morning – Cancelled Culture: Reconsidering the art of controversial artists 3/28/2021

Perception of the larger picture of the world is aware and determines if it impacts your life; it does not, then do not worry about it, not a context you can fix. Does still leaves me on an interconnected level, to ‘Hating my Brain’ that comes from a deep level of physical and emotional pain during this current life journey. Employment acceptance outside the Perception of retail work is for stupid people took me a long time to accept that I enjoy retail and that instant quick gratification of helping an individual’s need. But between the retail and the home health, I physically, in the last two weeks, reached a point of not being able to do the work due to shift in the spine, pulled muscle, and pinched nerves. How do you move forward when you have a job you love that you had figured out how to transition to something similar but had a financial plan to work the new opportunity and retail for a little bit? After trying to leave the Home Health field, except only one other individual is caring for an individual who needs twenty-four-hour care. None of this seems to be working as planned. Which starts that downward spiral, thinking of I am ‘stupid’ and ‘worthless’ that my mental health is quick to pursue with abandonment. Conclusion perception as individuals, we are responsible for how we see our life and the lives of those around us based on our culture and position in the fiscal society. 

The health and wellness of others is the aspect that I struggle with the most how does an individual with high empathy move and work through life. Strive to accept what can and cannot be accomplished in the here, now, or future. Below is a son’s story and how he has chosen to help his mom live and fight bladder cancer. So the Perception I took from this is as an individual is we can help where we can. The son can go that extra step to love and give to his mom in all ways. The people around him helped in small ways, which leaves me with the positive aspect of still moving forward with my plan but reshaped.

CBS Sunday Morning – Serving up love for Mom 3/28/2021

Reshaping of the Perception of living well. Home Health is continuing to assist the individual where I physically can and accept when I cannot do the work that I once was able to and leave once more care which the individual keeps searching. Retail is going as soon as my replacement is hired, which is earlier than financially planned. Move forward faster with the replacement work. Reshaping and reworking the situation around the mental health or physical health aspect put forth is OK; keep working and moving forward. All things are doable; we sometimes need to stay still for a moment to accept that plans change, whether through circumstances out of our control or just a realization that we change as we journey forward during this life we live. I came across the following from Jim Gaffigan that reinforced that as humans, our Perception of what we once knew can change as we look at it differently. His life perception change was hiking. What will your change in Perception be that will help your journey move forward, backward, or step off the path for a moment and collect yourself in a place of serenity?

 CBS Sunday Morning – Jim Gaffigan: Take a hike! 3/28/2021

Living life is all about the Perception of how we see and interact with those around us. Mental Health can discolor with the excellent and lousy lens of negativity. What is essential is to keep moving forward. There are days or hours that there will be tears that no one understands why but you. Let’s keep moving from the bad days and see the good even when it is just a celebration that you made it out of bed and to work or care for whatever responsibilities you have. Wrap-up of Perception is a perspective from Chris Rock.

CBS Sunday Morning – Chris Rock: Truth, therapy, and punchlines – 1/3/2021

Chris Rock mentions the truth of self. We can keep fighting if we keep working on awareness of ourselves and how and where we are comfortable moving forward.

For a quick update from previous pieces I have mentioned the light therapy for healthy sunlight when non is available outside I am upto 45 to 60 minutes first thing in the morning also if I am in mid day between jobs I sit in front of it while I have a quick lunch for 15 to 20 minutes and my sleep has improved. The 15 to 20 minutes mid day I personally have found got me through the evening without relying on coffee which helps immensely. Additional sleep component is Chill from Four Sigmatic. Between my morning routine of the light and my evening routine of a cup of Chill has allowed me to sleep a solid 5 to 6 hours which is a vast improvement from my 3 to 5 hours.

Faith view of Perception and moving forward on this journey of self and personal journey of mental health. With self-improvement or acceptance that I am comfortable in myself and intersecting with others.

Hope Church, Brunswick, OH – March 28 Service – 9 am – Message starts at 33.15 with Bob Hershey, one of our Elders here at church. I almost did not listen because running is not something I can do right now, maybe never. May consider starting doing Run for God to work through where I think I am failing in learning and following Christ. I May not start running but use it in my daily walk with mental health. My mental health is a constant struggle that keeps moving forward just as you do in the running.

Thank you to all that read. As I move forward in this journey of life, I live thank you. For now, this journey will be reshaping this website to merge my interests of blogging about living my life with mental health, wife, mother, trying to be a Christ-follower, and new business of being a travel agent.  

Still not comfortable reading comments, which is hilarious because I will need to read comments on my Facebook page of travel.

Journey of Self, Home, and Employment

FeaturedJourney of Self, Home, and Employment

Journey of Self, Home, and Employment and my effort to keep moving forward in life even when I want to hide and stall out instead of finding who I am.

As life moves forward, backward, or stalled, our lives can be a cornucopia of family, drama, culture, social, economic, employment, career, physical health, mental health, and any other variety that is living. Striving to live or move forward in this ever-changing abundance can seem to be smooth or a struggle during this personal journey. For me, employment has always been around what fits my family’s needs. So much of what I do only has the goal to please others. Whether I am looking for the verbal response or my own personal view of pleasing, this seems to be what drives me is pleasing others, not myself. Unsure this is due to my mental health needs or upbringing, which bothers me when I take the time to look back or forward. Why do I need to please others at the cost of my physical and mental well-being? This is a question off and on this journey of life, and I still have no answers except I feel worthless most days. Most people do not see it; all they see is I always say yes.

Pleasing others, not myself, when looking back is what always seems to drive my life. What seems, though, is against what society says is please yourself. Lately, I have been pondering what that means, and mentally can I make that work. Currently, my desire to please others has me working sixty hours a week with no days off. Looking back on my life journey, I have always had two jobs, work and school, work and family, or best of all, work, school, family. Which got me thinking, do I work outside of the home to run from home? The only time I only had one job outside of the home was when my daughter was little. Is this push to please others because there is no response from those within my home; all I am is the housekeeper with no verbal reward. In the outside work, I get a thank you. I have to do something. I have reached a wall of exhaustion. How do I balance what drives me with is just what my mind tells me I am responsible for.  

Responsibilities are retail employment at a company that does not provide for its workers well, or the customer needs. The second is assisting an individual with 24-hour care, and the home health care system is not providing. Family and house care is my next what feels like employment, not family care. Church volunteers on weekends and weekdays, fortunately only three hours on a rotation. Blogging is another aspect of my life, but this brings me joy in writing, so is this a pleasing piece of myself? Another is starting my own business as an independent travel agent, a return to a dream I had in the eighties but unable to fill due to a lack of belief in myself. Reviewing this list brings consternation that my mind has placed me in another pothole or speed bump; that I am overthinking and struggling to leave this current dead end path and rebuild this path to a life that pleases others but also bring joy to myself that can balance out the negative my mental health daily has me living.  

What do I pare back on this rebuilding of my life journey when I feel exhausted and overwhelmed? Which physically may get worse due to my work schedule has caused my insurance to remove my CPAP machine due to the policy that if the machine is not in use for over four hours daily, they will not cover the cost and covering a monthly hundred dollar bill never mind the upfront four hundred the company is demanding. Okay, back to trimming my life to pursue what brings me joy. I cannot fix the insurance company, find an alternative health path around it.  

Thoughts on trimming or rebuilding my current life journey. Retail work searching for a company that cares for its employees and better work hours that I am home before midnight maybe eight. Home health is striving to limit my hours but still make sure the individual has care and keeps speaking to others that may be willing to fill the hours that I physically can not. Another option is to leave retail work that I have worked for twenty years completely and work at home healthcare since that is the greatest need. The problem, though, is through journaling, I have found the greatest part of self I have is retail/customer service. I can provide care in short spurts. These short spurts allow me to recoup the mental drain that develops in striving to be perfect for the individual needing care. I acknowledge that I am not a good fit for home healthcare; there is no hiding from the individual who sees you for four to nine hours a day. How do I find that enjoyment in providing care in short gaps? This is one reason I am considering returning to my childhood dream of being an independent travel agent.  

Yes, being a travel agent requires I interact, but it is not like the blog where I have people trying to change or tell me I am wrong for how I think or feel. With travel, I can research and prepare detailed and extensive options to provide amazing travel options. It is on that individual to make a choice based on budget or priority of goals. So yes, I have options, but how do I move forward when the travel takes time to develop to be profitable, and I need to trim back on one or both of my other jobs. That is the crossroads I am still on but gaining closer to a decision. This does leave me still with the struggle of family and the lack of interaction. 

The family is striving to restructure the hours that I am home earlier in the evening and try for a set day off if possible. Home is setting a better to-do schedule that gets the basics done well instead of just the half-butt way that is being done now. Additionally, accept that I will never hear the verbalization of a job well done. Which after twenty years of silence is still difficult but is just something I have to accept. Keeping my church volunteer schedule due to the sense of peace I feel when looking after the nursery-age children. When the retail job, fewer hours are worked, and I can implement the travel business’s training and start-up. I still struggle with home health because my heart wants to help, but as mentioned before, it is mentally draining for my personality. There is such a need for home healthcare workers for those that want to live at home. I do not feel right leaving an individual that needs me to be their hands and feet. My work-life journey is planned for a rebuild, but I still have not internally answered pleasing myself. In a way, though, in keeping with the blogging and travel are my enjoyment.

Unsure if this is helpful for anyone else but trying to find where and what brings joy in this life journey when exhausted from striving to live for others. This journey is stalled at the bridge or path that needs a rebuild. We will see where this journey moves forward. May this be helpful for those trying to move forward when everything seems stalled and overwhelming. Thank you to those who read. Still not in an emotional position to read comments but thank you to those that leave them. Have a great day.

Follow up, the Luxe light mentioned in the previous pieces has been working well. My sleep seems improved, and managing my anxiety and depression seems easier. Still struggling with a bit of paranoia which is normally only three to four days out a month. Unsure if that is due to the light or the current exhaustion and stress I am currently under.

Wrote the above on March 11, 2021, and it is now March 17, 2021. I came across the below March 14, 2021 Presentation from CBS Sunday Morning about Melissa & Doug toy company’s creators. I found amazing peace in knowing I am not alone in feeling and hiding my depression. Additionally, I found knowledge that it is okay to change paths in life and move forward. Personally, not positive yet about what all moving forward looks like but, this piece was refreshing. Also, the website LifeLines that they have started looks amazing.

CBS Sunday Morning – Melissa & Doug co-founder on confronting her depression March 14, 2021

Silly Note:

After the serious topic, I leave you with this funny look at winter from a southern state resident’s perspective. Living in Ohio, I can relate to the cold comments.

Home Free – Southerner in the Snow March 12, 2021

FAITH: when going over this review and considering rebuilding my life journey. The message below is what our Pastor preached on life responsibilities, and Faith in God’s got this life journey. I will have to listen again because of my exhaustion and where my depression and anxiety are. Additionally, thinking that my Thyroid numbers may be off, but it may also still be me adjusting to the Luxe light I have been working with that has been working great.  

I struggle to follow through and have Faith in Father Almighty’s message, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit have my life. It is not the lack of faith in God but in myself which does seem backward when thinking about Christianity, but that is where my depression puts me in Faith that gets me up in the morning and moves through life. Still, the anxiety and depression feed the doubt of my worthiness of the Gift we have in the Salvation through the sacrifice of Christ’s sacrifice.  

Currently, my life journey is in rebuilding and refining my place in the world and my faith as a Christ-follower.

Hope Church – February 28. 2021 Service 9 am

Moving Forward…

FeaturedMoving Forward…

Moving forward, when the mind is clouded, my mental health concerns seem challenging and frustrating—writing in a point of severe agitation, distracted thinking, increased anxiety, and just plain lethargy. Questioning over the last several weeks, spending time again is this only an additional component of mourning, seasonal depression and light therapy, change in work responsibilities, or agitation at the world at large. As the world moves forward and I seem to be standing still, let’s review each component and see if I can find a resolution.

Warning this piece holds just a breakdown of how I am working through personal life components that agitate my anxiety and depression. Treatment pieces that one should not try without talking to a physician, psychologist, or research. Not sure if it will help anyone or not, but here it is, a dive down the rabbit hole that is my life with mental health.

Where oh where to start when my thoughts and emotions feel like a pinball machine. The quick and easy one is that my home health aide client’s mourning is pain full but slowly moving away to the right balance. Due to the nature of the individual’s illness and length of hospital stay, I also assisted in visiting the hospital’s person to say goodbye. Accepting that ending of a season of life and moving forward. Leaves that I think at a comfortable spot for me. Next on the spindle of these pinball thoughts.

Seasonal Depression, when looking over the list of symptoms, hits all the components I am living. The hard part for me is keeping moving forward and not throwing in the towel and sleeping or reading my day away; for me, I think that working the hours I do is also a component of running away. If I am exhausted from working, I cannot think clearly. Reading and work, I have noticed it is the component I am currently struggling with. My frivolous reading is overwhelming what little time I have in working sixty-hour weeks. Time is taken up with work or family responsibilities; please do not take that wrong working and reading is lovely whether for fun, research, or financial gain. My problem is that unless I set a timer when I read, hours will go by, and one I could not tell you what I read, and two, nothing was accomplished but me being late for an appointment or work. The only aspect that I have right now to work around my getting lost in thought is setting a half-hour timer for my reading “break” and paper to write down what I am working on and need. I also use ‘Alexa’ or my cell phone alarm app with labels of why before an appointment or work. Both have helped the labeled alarms more than ‘Alexa’ on getting to places. Another component I am trying, by my primary care doctor’s suggestion from a yearly well-check, is light therapy.  

I am using light therapy for two weeks now, unsure what to say due to it being less time than I prefer to say yay or nay that something works. Nevermind, I started using it just a week before. I usually have hormone spikes that increase my anxiety and agitation for a week. What I have so far are the first three days. Not much change sat in front of it around eight am for ten minutes as suggested. Day four and five noticed a little more energy and were able to add some more house projects to my time. I did see my one am wake up restarted. Last week I noticed an increase in agitation and anxiety toward other people and their actions, but I usually do this week. But I did see more of an increase in not being able to manage it.  

Anxiety and agitation toward others’ idiosyncrasies I strive to understand that we are all different and will not agree. Last week was atrocious in my having an even keel when being around others, which is hilarious when you consider I work retail for half my employment. The anxiety impacts me though approved to be trained for a higher position in the store, the person training me decided to shift my training to another individual. Which has hit my self worth and has the company changed their mind, and does the other individual find me too difficult to train or not worth training. It takes me time to talk myself down from that, mostly when I see this first ‘trainer’ hovering and supporting someone else that has had weeks of training. My non-anxiety and rational mind visit briefly remind me that this trainer is twenty years younger than me and could be scared by my twenty plus years of retail management experience. I do not follow around like a puppy; I ask questions and then do my work. Anxiety comes into play as she is not always truthful and what she is telling the store manager. Fortunately, I can balance all this out. I have a co-worker that said the same thing happened to her, and I copied her procedure notes, so I have something to work with when I get thrown into the deep end. UGH, I know in my heart and mind this is normal; it has happened before.

Trying to balance reality, anxiety, depression, and just plain life is so draining and frustrating.  

Nevermind, I have not honestly sat down and watched the news, except to check the weather and, as I like to say, make sure the world has not exploded. I indeed tried, but I am struggling with wanting to be a good citizen of the United States and be aware of its decisions. On the other hand, I am anxious and scared with all the government finger-pointing like kindergarteners who are at fault. Also, what I have read is some of the discussions or bills passed that will impact citizens negatively with loss of jobs and benefits. Nevermind, the headlines never read the same, and the facts keep changing. What happened to research before submitting for readership. For the last two months but specifically the last week, I have just been reading a subscription to Morning Brew, emailed to me, and I find it just straightforward information and as bi-partisan as the world can be right now. If interested, after reading the previous attached link, you are welcome to follow this link to subscribe to the Morning Brew subscription link. (FYI – This link does mean I get points for referring.)

So for the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinball of life has not fully resettled, I am okay, just struggling like all of us. The success is to keep moving forward and keep the marbles of vitality moving. Below are some videos that I have found over the last month that keeps me understanding that I am okay. Anxiety and depression are part of my life. I live that is a success and keep moving forward.

Adam Savage had a question and answer that helped remind me that I am responsible for choosing to live and think of my mental health as an individual, not as a comparison to others. I can change it to a tool of positive or negative. Some days are a struggle, but if we keep striving to find what works to keep the ping pong machine of life moving. 

Adam Savage’s Tested – “Is ADHD a Positive or Negative for Makers?” 1/31/2021

Found this song from Dolly Parton during January that has helped remind me to keep moving forward even when I want to give up. As an individual, I contribute to this world even though no one may see it, but the God who created it does. Also that I am who I am, not someone else. But it is good to remember we do not all look or live life the same. We are here to help others be that simple or big, and it is our choice as individuals to live life as successfully as we can.

Dolly Parton – Shine On 1/24/2019

Side Note: 

It has taken me two additional weeks to get this up since I wrote initially and a slight update on the Luxe Lamp for seasonal moods. I shifted to 30 minutes first thing in the morning to read my bible or sit quietly. This time change because of a suggestion from my Fit Bit membership about good sleep patterns. They also suggest no screen time a half hour before bed I have been unable to do that. I am currently two weeks not waking at one to two am, which is excellent; I feel groggy throughout the day, unsure if my body is adjusting to a full six to seven hours asleep after three to five in twenty plus years. Life is ever-changing goals are to push forward even there are obstacles.

Random Observation in This Time of Change

FeaturedRandom Observation in This Time of Change

Struggling during this ebb and flow, Ohio winter sunny one day than grey another. My spike in my typical depression symptoms that I manage is still flaring. This feeling of overwhelm is where this post is coming from as I maintain a surface watch of the media’s presentation of our changing political landscape and how we have gone from words of hatred of the outgoing leadership and the great and glorious saving of the incoming administration. I struggle with the many euphoric expectations of the media. The incoming will fix the problems when this has been ongoing many presidential changes, continuing to worsen for the lower to the middle class. 

As in the previous post, my childish perspective on life is why life and the world cannot be fair. The reality of life fairness does not exist unless it’s on an individual basis. I cannot expect the world to be honest. Still, corporate entities’ goal is to make a profit no matter the cost, politicians are out to present themselves in only a positive light, and all other large entities. Many are out to explain; they are doing a fantastic job even if they are not. I am one of the uneducated, low humans on the list of priorities and the ability to make changes to the larger picture. Still striving to live life well or give the image of reaching for the corporate lifestyle, but most of us don’t succeed. There is nothing wrong with not advancing goals in life are personal goals in life. Plans based on decisions made and the situation impact your success emotionally, personally, or physically. This thought came when I caught the brief news about the attack on Washington last week. Media, corporate, and political structure kept stressing this point the week before last and blamed only one individual for inciting the situation. What happened to make the people who choose to act responsibly for their actions. They made a conscious choice to be there; they consciously decided to work in an irresponsible, impractical manner. As an individual, you are responsible for seeing the right or wrong of the actions. As a country, we have shown better, more peaceful ways. Yes, they may come violently due to our society’s segment that sees this as the only solution. Words and actions are the responsibility of the individual. Don’t we all say words that we should process and then think over the repercussions before proceeding forward? The efforts of many contributed to the harmful and inappropriate method of communication two weeks ago. But as with the race riots in May, should we not be looking at the underlying trigger of the reason for the large portion of discontent. I AM NOT saying what happened was right, but in May, I told people were in pain, and that made it okay; my question whether right or wrong, why is last week not the same, just on a more extensive or consequential action? It is just a thought to ponder how our information is presented to us that we must strive to see and research the big picture and how we can, if at all, help.  

I see from one of the bottom rungs that people are tired of being ignored, and they choose a brutal way of showing that. Our politicians’ and corporations’ actions make large paychecks with a little benefit offered to those supposed to direct guidance. We have a large portion of our society that feels undervalued, and their way of life attacked. There are rules in place of stagnating creativity. There are rules in place that harm our disabled, and I still am terrified for Medicaid for all. Unless government and corporations rebuild the system, the CEOs and lobbyists step back from the design and implementation restructuring process. Both CEOs and Lobbyists make millions of dollars from the medical and insurance industry. Democrats and Republicans are just as accountable. I am unsure where specifically I was going with this, but as I watch briefly, Trump’s decisions to leave before the presidential election change and the fiscal waste of pushing to impeach again. Biden’s and Harris’s marketing presentations about past actions on the government floor as they are when neither of their actions speaks to what they’re promoting right now through the media, they are perfect. Trump was an uncouth braggart. Yes, he had no filter and created a hostile work environment, but many of us have to work in a hostile work environment and succeed. Why can’t our politicians have done the same? They make more money than the rest of us and have more vacation time to unwind and destress. That is in the past, and those of us impacted the most by future decisions made will need to step back to view how decisions are made and learn to live with the consequences of high power decisions that sound great, but implementation is lacking.

Sometimes I wish somebody that had paralysis or a family with a child with developmental disabilities would speak and be allowed to present the current limitations and red tape a large portion of our society has to live with the Medicaid system. The Medicaid system is not there physically to truly help those in need. On paper, it looks great that managers advocate for their clients, which is so far from the truth as what I see from working in the industry as a Home Health Aide and previously in the Nursing Home Industry.

Additionally, the other factor that nobody presents an accurate working plan for is a wage for the essential works that are not nurses and doctors that have stayed working since March at great danger of getting COVID. I came across the below article on the local news about hourly workers in the retail, restaurants, factory, housekeeping, and more; the low man on the totem pole has kept the country going. 

News 5 Cleveland – Thousands of Ohio frontline workers make minimum wage; advocates say it needs to increase 1/19/2021

Yes, I know the medical industry is keeping us safe, but you buy your food from someone that’s paid eight dollars an hour, they want to pay us 15. That’s all well and good, except for I have worked through the change from 525 an hour to eight dollars an hour minimum wage. I have watched customer service nosedive due to a decrease in the number of staff members allowed scheduled. I have watched being able to get a full-time job in retail and restaurants down to only get part-time with no insurance or insurance worth most of my paycheck. I have watched as a manager not being able to offer training hours to incoming staff. I have seen having 4 to 5 people on the team in one shift down to two, so what is the purpose of going from eight dollars an hour to 15? Do you want one person running a register unless something happens on how the whole pay scale is set up? I see no point in increasing pay from $8 an hour to $15 an hour unless there is planning for making drastic changes in the CEO salary. That is where the money is going; it sure as heck isn’t going for PPE and safety protocol except on paper. It is not going for the hours I’m sure we could have benefits that we could afford because your company can say they offer help. Still, when you genuinely look at what’s being provided how much we’re expected to pay, we’re losing our paycheck to pay for insurance. Words mean nothing unless there is an extensive plan. That is my pondering questions, but what’s the point since this has been going on since the eighties. I know part of my cynical outlook is personally my seasonal depression impacting. Some of it, though, I don’t see the point of words. I would appreciate action on the part of our lawmakers in our CEOs the people who paid the least are the ones expected to do the physical labor. Many of them have three to four jobs their families impacted because they’ve got to make ends meet. There’s got to be a decision: do I raise my family or do I pay the bills too? Do I work to pay the bills? So yeah, excellent $15 an hour, but what does that accomplish? I will be working with fewer people to cover that because it is not taken toward the CEOs. I mean, if they can afford to have multiple vacation homes and a fantastic yacht and I can’t go on vacation for 15 years if at all I can barely pay the mortgage, so what’s the point of working.  

Sorry, this is not a rah get out, and we can succeed, which it should be. We can keep fighting the system and help or find help for others or get out and help someone. Just on my retail job, all I see is a fractured opinion of us nevermind I almost got hit by two cars last week while getting carts. In my Home Health work, I help an individual with quadriplegic, which has a Hoyer that broke for the last month and is still not fixed. The individual has a ten-year-old wheelchair that causes severe pain and pressure sores that Medicaid denied the claim. Even though the back is broken, several aspects of it do not work. Individuals cannot get it repaired because Medicaid will not allow them to get a new one for another one year to five. So I am at a level of apathy that what is the point the government and corporate entities do not care about those in genuine need. I am sure of many more examples, which makes me scared for the proposed Medicaid for all. I also leave you with an example of a YouTuber that I respect and due to having surgery and shows the absolute mess our Medical system is.

The Outdoor Gear Review – The Upcoming Surgery – Random Lunch and Chat 1/19/2021

This piece does not mean I am throwing in the towel. I am just one small voice in a sea of many that feel the government is not heard or seen right now. I hold hope and pray that our world will change for the better. That our government truly means what they are saying. In the meantime, as individuals, we keep helping our fellow man personally when we can impact our government and corporate entities in voting.  

I leave you with several links.

One is the Poem by Amanda Gorman’s twenty-twenty-one inauguration poem, which fits the fight as the individual.    

CNN Politics – Youth Poet Laureate Amanda Gorman’s inaugural Poem

I also perceive the dog and pony show of our Cabinet member Question and Answer and approval process by many of the upper echelons. Speaking as if they truly understand how this will be implemented on the ground floor, not the ivory tower they live in, or the reports received that did not question the worker but the CEO.

PBS NewsHour 1/21/2021 LIVE – Pete Buttigieg’s confirmation hearing for Secretary of Transportation 1/21/2021

I will also leave you with the beauty of what individuals can do when they change their life direction.

CBS Sunday Morning – “Humans”: Connecting with the world one photo at a time. 12/13/2020

Let me leave you with a big picture of what I strive for daily, even with my negativity for the last two to three weeks, where I got stuck in thinking I could change the big picture. It is a presentation of the repaired Penn Station.

CBS This Morning – Inside NYC’s ornate new Penn Station train hall = 1/2/2021

Many of us still feel overwhelmed by either our health, situation, work, school, family, and anything else. As individuals, we have a responsibility to keep moving forward, change and improve what you can, and support those that are stuck and are still struggling to receive what they need to live well. Reach out if you need help or be there if someone needs help or just a friendly ear to vent to as they struggle to move forward. As individuals, we can succeed and thrive. It just looks different because we are all individuals, not machines. This time of change is like seasons. There is beauty, but there is also the muck and the mire. Keep moving forward. You’ve got this.

Seasonal Mental Health Contemplation

FeaturedSeasonal Mental Health Contemplation

Seasonal Mental Health contemplation during the winter and holidays. Unsure where I am right now, except to present my perspective and life journey. Have not posted my previous November and December Health Reviews will probably add them to this post’s end. My seasonal depression realistically hit probably mid-November because it has been a struggle not to wallow in the pothole of life I find myself in. They are not clean and easy to understand but felt it is vital to present life is not perfect, and it is okay to have bad days that sometimes move into months. The real test of our life do we keep moving on our journey of life even when we feel trapped in quicksand. I am on this journey since the beginning of twenty-twenty-one seems so long even though it has been only eleven days. In retrospect, though, this journey has been since birth because our past and health make up our journey.

Unsure if these long eleven days are due to seasonal depression, current news, or my struggle with the holidays. The battle is that holidays have never held importance or grandeur for me once my grandparents passed respectively twenty-four years and then nineteen years ago. My anxiety stretches to have I destroyed my daughter by not emphasizing the holidays to give her memories as I have with my grandparents. But am I even in the right spot to reviews this? I am currently in tears as I write this, which means my mental health is severely low now. I am still writing and looking at where and what to change for the win column, and I have not gone back to bed to sleep the emotional pain away. Go to mental health or life; you will not destroy me.

Then I have the aspect of one of life loading things on for the last three months. As mentioned previously, I have worked sixty to seventy hours since September with no day off unless I get sick. Being in Home Health, we do lose our clients, and since mid-November, one of the people I care for admitted to the hospital for severe health issues that were at stage four, which means I need to take a side road on this journey of life of losing someone that had meaning in my life. So I am on this side path of life, but I still need to keep living and handling my other life responsibilities. Previously I mentioned concern over destroying my daughter’s view of the holidays with my lack of excitement or celebration.  

Compounding the holidays’ mental crisis is I have had to accept my daughter is eighteen, and my ability to communicate and have her follow-through has come to an end. It is painful to see her make decisions that delay the wonderful life she could have financially provided for herself with her art. On a selfish level is accepting the phrase that I have failed her as a mom and making choices that will mean she will not graduate high school and has no life goals. It is so painful to hear, “I just want out of here (home).” Even though all of her emotional and physical needs were provided for minimal demands, all we ask of her is to empty the dishwasher and finish highschool. I am down to knocking on her door and hoping she answers because “I barge in.”. In my defense, when one does not answer, and I needed to communicate or ask what is happening with classwork. My potholes right now are many, and I am trying not to live in them but crawl out of them.  

Crawling and patching in my current pothole is so hard during this time of seasonal depression. Moving and thinking are so hard when I feel like a Magpie; attracted by shiny things but are intelligent. So hard to accomplish anything when your mind skitter from one thing to another when even a to-do list has minimal help.  

Most Intelligent bird in the world – The Magpie by Romanorvm

The video is a compilation of pictures and text; I found it informative but reinforced my feelings that I am like a magpie. I am intelligent in my common sense and easily distracted, but I hold and have my beauty even if I struggle to see that intelligence and beauty.  

With that intelligence, I will keep fighting to live in this world that holds so much meaning around family and holidays. I do not understand and accept that my daughter must find her path. All I can do is communicate. I am here to assist when I can but will not carry her. It is okay to mimic a magpie when my mental health is severe. I am a fantastic human being crafted and live for Jesus Christ. My life journey is as an individual. My upbringing, social standing, culture, faith/religion, and mental health make my journey different. But if anything I post helps terrific, I chose to walk and write my story as an individual and not mimic or compare myself to others with a different history. I am currently reading an advance electronic copy of a fantastic book that comes out on January 26.  When Don’t You Like Your Story: What if Your Worst Chapters Could Become Your Greatest Victories?  It is a fantastic read and reminder at a perfect time that my journey will be different than another and that my physical and mental health is okay. Success to move forward even if that movement is either at the speed of a turtle or a rabbit. We, as individuals, will write our own stories that come with the good or the bad. We can not hit reset or rewind like a movie or tv show.  

Travel this world as you see that can work with your mental health or physical health. The world may see either as limitations, but as an individual, you are the success that you make it to be, not the detractors that do not understand that it is impressive that you got to work or got up and did the laundry. Life is a successful journey that looks different to us all; what is essential is helping our fellow humans or sometimes just ourselves depending on where the need is. What is important is that you are still moving forward on this life journey, even if you may go on different paths. Remember, we can always go back and restart the trip or cut across to the main trail. Go live life well as you emotionally can.

Side Note:  For those that have uploaded a moderation request I am not there yet to read and fix, but thank you.  For you it maybe simple for me I just assume I am stupid that is why someone found a mistake.  Just another pothole to repair and move past.

2020 Health Review (rough draft)

The personal mental health of 2020, as in other posts, was going to post a failure because the last two months had felt overwhelming when looked at from the lenses of negativity.  But in striving to search for the positive through the veil of negativity.  I can prissy acknowledging I feel kneaded to say 2020 was a success from a personal perspective.

I started and kept with my blogging the perspective of success even though my anxiety ran rampant that I wrote wrong.  I observed and adapted my strengths instead of adapting and changing to my view of what I thought was wanted.  

Accepting that I can not please everyone is a fantastic feeling that may or may not last, but it was beautiful to see myself take. I expanded and worked on other aspects of social media.  I May not have uploaded all of it, but I at least sat down and tried.

Depression may have spiked in the last two months for various reasons, but 2020 was a fantastic success even though my current mental health wants me to list it as a failure.

Below is the rough draft of my November and December that I just struggled with posting, but I wanted to show even the rough draft of what was accomplished.  Life is not perfect, but I made a reasonable effort to work with my mental health during this time of chaos and frustration.

November 2020 Health Review (rough draft)

Sorry for the delay in posting this. Anxiety hit hard at the beginning of December.

November has flown by, which seems to be a life trend as we pass August, unsure if it is the season I am in where I have a child in school or not. Something to ponder in the future. As mentioned in October was going to work more on finding a balance with my anxiety and depression without increasing my medication. Let us not keep anyone in suspense.

November mental healthwise went well. Do not get me wrong did have episodes of anxiety and depression, but what I call my talk-down phases did not go hours instead of days—still going to keep working on it. There needs to be an understanding of the undertow if mental health is always with us. How we live and thrive with these constraints is what makes us unique individuals. Some of what helped were becoming even more comfortable accepting the mental health lifestyle that I have excepted, which makes me feel good about myself and contribute to the local community. For me, I find peace with my work as a retail sales associate and home health aide. There negatives to both professions, but that is all occupations have something that is a problem. I find peace with that it is okay that in the eyes of much entry-level work is not considered a ‘career.’ Honestly, that is their concern, not mine. I, at the most time, accepted peace in supporting the needs of others. That is not to say that I will not have this, as it is an ongoing struggle because I have town myself down for the last twenty-plus years of working these jobs and accept that I will not contribute much to my household’s running my husband. An example of what I make with sixty plus hours in a month totals my husband paid in one pay period of two weeks—accepting that at least I am contributing to the running of our home. Working entry-level comes with our community’s perception of being uneducated. We can not leave these entry-level positions or find mental health peace in being in these positions. Another aspect of my health walk this month was essential oils.

Finding what works and does not for the last several years as I ebb and flow toward finding support pieces. Balance’s essential oils worked well personally; when I was home, I used six drops in my diffuser. When going into work, I used two to three drops on my wrist or a necklace. Unsure if this is having a placebo effect or it truly works. I Will test it in 2021 right now on the perceived stressful time of holiday 2020. I will take the placebo effect if that is what it is. Lavender was another aspect that I was working on much.

Lavender did not see much impact on my mental health when I washed my sheets and dried them. A mix of information for anxiety and sleep apnea since some available research does say sleep does help manage our mental health journey. I also started taking  Doterra Serenity on the edge of my nose before using Ayr Saline Nasal Gel. (Side Note: Use the oil instead of the pills they offer just to my personal preference. Oil allows me to tweak and adjust as needed, and unsure how the drugs impact the other medicines I take.) Done before I put my full nose and mouth c-pap mask that I use for my sleep apnea. Still not seeing much change in my anxiety, but waking up around 2:30 am is still happening, but easier to fall back to sleep. I Will keep monitorings the oil use but maybe increasing my melatonin or Natra sleep. If I work on my sleep, that will also help with the anxiety and depression. Nutrition is another component that was to work.

Working on nutrition through November was a failure. Unsure if I went into without a set plan except looking at ‘help with mental health.’ Also, my sixty hours work week turned into seventy mid-month. So exhaustion was my friend this month with the holiday season’s hecticness and my work schedule not looking like it will end for a time. I am scraping working on changing nutrition and mental health till twenty-twenty-one. But during December, at least research and determine a goal or menu. Part of the problem is that I have no appetite to eat, so I do not get a migraine and severe upset stomach. Lack of desire has always been a problem, even though my weight does not show it. According to the U.S. government, I am obese. I ran across the following to see if I can plan around this and see what works and what does not. Yes, some of it has to do with Alzheimer’s disease, but it is a health information vehicle. Having worked in a locked unit in a Nursing Home for a year and a half, this is one of the most challenging diseases for an individual and family, so if I can improve my mental health and try avoiding Alzheimer’s, I am all for it.

UC Davis Health – Brain Foods for Brain Health – Boost Brain Health with Good Eats

Let me finish my November Review. This month was a success. I did finally complete and upload a YouTube view using the Review as a prompt. (Side Note: Here is the video as of 1/11/2020 have not uploaded it currently I cannot figure out how to do that hopefully will add it later.)  It is not great, but everything is a work in progress. My success is not sitting here and pointing out every negative in the video and the fact that I found the strength in posting this. Warning: I did not dress it up and used my office background, which shows an eclectic background. Success is in doing and learning from the experience, and I have many items to tweak as the months and years move forward slowly.

May all things in life be a success, even if it is getting up in the morning and having breakfast. Keep striving success gauge is on the individual level, not the large group.

I did post this on Thanksgiving but figured I would show it again. I wanted to celebrate success in a company that took the 2020 COVID challenge to celebrate and adapted Holiday Tradition with safety instead of canceling. Congratulations, Macy’s and Verizon, all the people that participated and planned this event. Thank you.

Macy’s Parade – Thanksgiving Day Parade 2020 – Verizon

Macy’s Parade – Thanksgiving Day Parade 2020 – Macy’s Info Page

Faith walk

Hope Church 11/1

God’s path is not always easy or straightforward. He has a plan even when it does not even meet what we think is our needs. A challenging approach as a believer needs the strength of God. Acts 19:23- the gospel was changing the world based on how God would like us to live for Him. Thought that came to mind this why it is hard for non-believers to understand life changes that a belief makes as they slowly ease away from those lifestyle choices that tempt or distract away from walking away from living for the world. Confirm you are living for God’s Way. I could not connect initially with the fish story. Did find the meaning when why it is easy to become distracted way from daily walking with God.  

God is amazing in showing an understanding of living for God and how. Many examples from the Old Testament show examples of what we have now. I thought that our social media and nightlife, what I think of when the pastor is talking about the Artemis celebration.

Gospel is there to change what we gain and seek joy. Found the Old Testament mob’s description and put forth that it was similar to people toward believers sometimes. Reinforces that there are times to witness and speak of God and Salvation through belief in Christ’s sacrifice, but there are times that it is best to step back and wait. Some people may not be ready, and pushing and pushing can be detrimental to the delivery of Christ’s message of salvation and living life well. Maybe not on a worldly perception of a life well. Personally living life well is about comfort in self, humility, and caring for other’s needs.  

Being on a path for God is different for everyone, but striving always to gain strength to keep going. Living with depression and anxiety makes this difficult someday to believe, but it is incredible when I hear and see the power God blesses me to have daily. Even if it is not where I want to be sometimes, it is so get up in the morning and have breakfast.

Live for Christ is a blessing, even if it is hard.

Hope Church – November 8

Acts 20 

December 2020 Health Review (Rough Draft)

Have to say I was thinking of noting December as a failure.  I accomplished what I perceive as nothing.  When looking over the month, I had to acknowledge that it was a success even if my mind wanted to place it as a failure, it is not.  

December, it was OK to feel successful. Daily life maintained an OK flow work went well even though it was still too many hours.  I emotionally had to accept that one of my Home Health clients may go into Hospice, which many times means that I will no longer here on earth.   That brings me great pain that has been difficult to work through while still maintain a normalized home and work balance.   Successor failure was a struggle when life was looked at through an anxiety or depression lens.   

My mind sees that I should have done more and not let the future passing of an aquatic.  I know that is illogical. But have placed a high level of emotional height on me.  With great struggle, I can see that as a success.

So there has not been much, at least to myself.  All I can plan for is to continue understanding my depression and anxiety and develop a plan to improve how I look at things.

Perspective and Living Life in the New Year

FeaturedPerspective and Living Life in the New Year

As the year twenty-twenty-one inches closer or is already here, depending on when I finish writing and proofing this piece. Looking ahead to the new year and striving for improvement when my mental health points out all the mistakes and failures is always an ongoing journey of life, the potholes of struggles and joy of patching up and climbing out and continuing the journey of life. I came across the below piece by Texas Country Reporter that initially hit all the buttons. I am a failure; I cannot do what this woman does.  

Texas Country Reporter – 93-Year-Old Mechanic (8/12/2020)

Then I realized I need to re-adjust my lens of perception. She is living her life that brings meaning and her perception of living life well. She is not seeing the negative and just doing and not accepting the word no. Her life as presented shows that finding what you are good at and enjoy is what is essential, not what those around you say cannot be done. If a ninety-year-old woman can be a type of Mechanic with long nails, and own a small clothing store, work six days a week. Who are we to complain about the little things. Our ingenuity and success in life should not be based on the perception of others’ view of success but our own. It may be difficult to see when we are wallowing in an illogical pit of negativity or overdoing the worry. 

I am trying to communicate and live because when I sense my thought process is leaning to the illogical negative, it is time to physically or metaphorically step back, grab a cup of coffee or tea, and genuinely look at the actual situation. Perception balanced with remembering past examples of when my mind created a problem when there was none. There are days when this works, and there are days that will not, and it makes me feel more silly. Trite but true, tomorrow is another day to change lives perspective.  

Living life is all about perception based on personal perspective and our own goals. We see this many times in the media and complaints or arguments based on a photo taken at one angle or a comment. A witness from another angle may not see the discussion but an agreement. What one may consider a joke another may see as an insult. Let’s use the example of the movie Forrest Gump (1994). To this day, I cannot watch the full film due to some of the previews showing where people made fun of him. He lived his life in the purest form. Am I missing out on an award-winning movie? Yes, but for me, I struggle to see beyond where the humor is seeing someone make mistakes or live life with purity and simplicity. Even though from the storyline, he makes some fantastic improvements to the world around him. Is my perception illogical, but it is a component of my life based on my history. So when speaking or seeing others, we do not know their account if a misstep is made. No-one is perfect. We should strive not to expect excellently or respect for a life lived well within the struggles that we have had or will have. 

Another perception and perspective being different based on lifestyle, social, culture, religion, faith, and finances. CBS News for something to ponder is the positive and disparity of finances. Will this change? Hopefully, it will, but I doubt it. The money will always be perceived to have success, and those without money have learned to adapt and move one. Does it seem wrong? Yes, but those of low financial seem to have a better chance of thriving and succeed in times of change than those that have had money now live in difficult economic times even when overwhelmed. Perception of living and adapting is striving to find success even during difficult times. When watching, I ponder that each side sees that they are right, and the other is wrong. All is about the profit margin of one and the life destruction and moving on of another. Unfortunately, it is based around money, and having to accept money will always rule our world. Succeeding in life is accepting and adapting one’s lifestyle without destroying others’ lives.

CBS News – Rising Tide: Priced Out in Miami – Full Documentary

To wrap this up and round out the ebb and flow of perception developed by history. Let me leave you with a cooking video. The onset seems odd, but what I found interesting is that the recipe started as a plan to cook a Mexican ‘Pot Roast.’ Still, when looking in past cookbooks, the roast was found at one point was quite prevalent in North America in the mid-eighteen hundreds.  

Glen & Friends Cooking – Spiced Beef Pot Roast Recipe (12/30/2020)

So I fibbed here is a final documentary of how one can strive to change one’s personal choices; this is no different from what our own country and other developed countries had in the 1800’s clothing industry. What can we, as individuals, do to purchase second hand, fair trade, or when financially possible purchase made in America. For some, this may not be possible now but at least trying to make changes with an awareness of how our actions may impact the larger picture. Furthered my understanding that injustice will always be in the world at large; it just changes location. As an individual, I can treat those around me with respect, be aware of what I purchase when I can financially, and accept it when I cannot impact the world’s greed at large.

Plot 11 – The True Cost – Documentary – Clothing Industry – Fashion Market – Capitalism – Modern Slavery (7/11/2020)

Let me leave you with this idea for the new year that as individuals, our perception of twenty-twenty, past and present, will be different from others. What is the point of arguments over the perception of information given from various news sources? Let’s strive to agree to disagree depending on where you are in your journey of life. It does not mean I will stop giving my perception and opinion, just how I am trying to balance the chaos I see and how my mind interprets it.

Hope you enjoyed this look at life’s perspective. May the New Year find you well and safe. Remember it is okay to reach out for help when the world seems overwhelming. Call a friend, family, professional, or telehealth professional.

Continuing Thought on 2021

FeaturedContinuing Thought on 2021

CBS Sunday Morning presented their ideas about COVID and planning.  

CBS Sunday Morning – Going to Plan B: When COVID pulls the rug out from under you 12/27/2020

While watching got me thinking about my previous post about the New Year and Planning. After watching I found comfort in reinforcing my plan to have goals, accepting those goals may ebb and flow toward completion or postponement.  

Change is okay for people, which is hard to say, coming from a planner and does not like change. We must remember to accept that life is not ideal or cookie cutter. What will work for one individual may fully not work for another. Pieces and parts will work together. Cookie-cutter got me thinking about cookies. Think about all those cookie trays that you either received or saw at work. None of them looked the same unless they came from a factory. The homemade ones may have used the same recipe, but none looked the same; hopefully, all tasted good. At the factory, mass-produced ones were okay but not as great as the homemade ones. Reinforcing that we are not factory-made, our lifestyle, culture, health, and society make us be the individuals we are. As we go into twenty-twenty-one, let us make one of our goals to accept that nothing is set in stone.

In taking information from the CBS Morning news piece, as individuals, we are all different. Still, we do need goals. The two professionals they interviewed had similar but dissimilar views also. In this time of the big picture, information is ever-changing and sounds so negative. Let’s make our goal to see the people in an equal light of struggling to live life well in this time of change and perceived chaos. Everyone has a story. Some may not be pretty, but choices made by them or others impact the goals of life. Everyone mourns the passing of people differently. Some may never stop. Is it frustrating, yes, but you may be in a similar spot yourself down the journey of life? Life is not fair people may not treat you equally as you strive to because they do not see the need.  

Our world’s big picture may look chaotic, and this chaos may impact your life. As an individual, take each situation that is affecting your life and strive to change it. Change can be the emotional component of looking for an example around Money being tight. Look at this as a means to eat portioned meals and set up a meal plan built around your food budget. Help you lose weight if that had been a previous goal or feel better by eating healthier foods. Maybe do pot luck meals with friends that are in the same boat. Look at moving somewhere within walking distance of a part-time job that may not fully impact your benefits or shop for food or carpool with friends that are also shopping.

There are many jobs out there that may not be ideal, but if getting up to go to work helps keep you focused, at least it is something. Home Health work is continually looking for people to care for those that are housebound. All that is needed is the ability and willingness to be the hands and feet for those in need. Extensive amount still have their mind just due to an accident or illness, need an extra set of hands to mop a floor, get them out of bed, cook for them in how they would like it, maybe help them with a shower, and so much more. There are so many needs and not enough caring people to help fill the need. Retail stores and factories need workers and a willingness to be trained, not your perception of the job but truly needed. Yes, it may be minimum wage, but at least it is Money coming in. Goals and looks many different ways just as we are individuals, so are the goals. Let’s strive to see the positive and understand the new year does not mean the chaos changes or ends. It is in our power and plans to change how we will live our lives and make changes that will impact our lives to the best we can. You are as trapped as you perceive you are. Really and truly, how often did you leave your house until someone said you could not? That does not mean I do not understand that concert, comic-con, wedding, and the list goes on canceled significant events. That industry has a difficult road ahead to reshape the promotion landscape, but there are those trying when possible to support them.  

Thank you, and may you find your spot in these life changing events and willingness to accept what cannot be changed and change the things that can. I have forgotten who’s quote this is; if I find it, I will add the info later.

Strive to change how you move through your day in the upcoming year.

I came across this video from Mercy Me that, for me, fit that drive to keep moving forward even when I feel suffocated by my mental health, choices, and physical pain. The desire to give up and forget about living in the here and now. Keep fighting to move through the day with a purpose to contribute no matter how small or large.

Mercy Me – Say I Won’t (Official Music Video) 12/4/20

New Year’s Resolution?

FeaturedNew Year’s Resolution?

Observing Christmas is two days away, and I have little excitement or joy toward the upcoming Holiday. Nevermind the super stressful ‘New Years Resolution’ drama that will be arriving from many in a week. Multiple components are why there is a lack of joy in my interaction with the world around me. Hmm, let’s review what those individual components are.
First off, on the hit parade of living with spiking mental health. Since mid-November, my depression and anxiety has skyrocketed, or at least to me. For example, one of the bloggers I read titled something about imposters. My initial reaction from just the title was that he talked about bloggers pretending to be depressed, and they are not, and I was one of those writers. Yes, irrational, but it took me three days to accept that and read the article, which was terrific as always and reinforced why I have chosen to blog myself. We are a world of diversity of mental health and individuals which we must take responsibility to help ourselves sometimes. Yes, there are educated via college and university professionals that we should speak to and have helped us. There is another level of professionals in the world. These individuals live and breathe mental health, trauma, or any other illness minute by minute and day by day. We are non-university professionals but from a living university of experience, not Harvard or Yale. I am moving forward to another individual component of depression.
The second aspect of my depression that a psychologist noted to me many years ago, but I forget from time to time for a month into winter, is seasonal depression. Which exacerbates my depression I am already trying to work through. For me, this comes into play as an overly distracted thought. Have a challenging time managing my schedule even with calendar prompts. I have all my bills on AutoPay. After all, I would have late payments because I would forget even with a checklist. You have to remember to look at your calendar or list to have them work. I have such a difficult time remembering. I’m not too fond of this time of year for that reason alone. I daily struggle with I am useless. Stupid, and those around me hate me. From November for the next four months, those feelings expand to managers behind closed doors, which means they are planning to fire me, my husband is leaving me, or my daughter’s depression will lead her to suicide. Frustrating all from the distracting thoughts is that constant feeling of I have forgotten something, and I waste so much time trying to figure it out, and it was nothing, but I am late for work because I wasted so much time. Count my life as a success because the time I waste has decreased because I can finally see and understand what is happening to push through faster to accept and keep moving forward—moving on to my next topic on the hit parade.
The third being in Retail/Customer Service is why should I feel joy when I see so many people spending money on presents when last week I watched them choose between getting a package of lunch meat or peanut butter based on cost. Also, they stand there and tell me that they really should not be buying the items. PLEASE stop asking if we are ready for Christmas. Many of us hate Christmas, and reminded us that we have no joy for the Holiday coming up makes us question ourselves. Then there are the screaming children or the kids or adolescents who get candy to keep them quiet or sit on the floor in the aisle blocking traffic and giving attitude when we ask them to move. Let not forget the people who steal but take the time to leave the wrapper to something but take the item. How about the multiple cell phone conversations of arguing about presents or too much money spent. Due to this overspending, people stop shopping in stores from January to March, and my hours get cut in half. I am already struggling over the shopping carts haphazardly put in the cart corrals, but an increase of people leave them in the parking spot beside them or the handicap ramp area. People, the carts do not need to be socially distancing; people do. Let’s not even discuss the attitude and lack of patience or listening skills of customers who accuse you of doing something when their credit card does not go through even though they put it in the machine before you even finished ringing the order. A new one is a tap and pay, and Apple pay does not work at the store, and this is my fault, and the bank or credit card company has told them that this is the safest way to pay and will work at all companies. Nevermind, the touch screens are starting to go because of all the cleaning, and the individual has to use the pen, and the cashier informed how unsanitary that is and how dare I make them touch it. Hello. You have touched cans, packages, and other items that other people have touched, nevermind the touch screen and the number pad. If you work in the customer service industry, please do not come in your work shirt and treat me like I am dirt and stupid because the computer is not working right. There are days I feel like a stereotypical bartender hearing all the problems that I cannot fix even though some of them have been caused by life choices by themselves or others. Okay, so I have reasons for not liking the holidays, moving forward when I see no light at the end of the tunnel except the oncoming train that is going to run me over.
That is where I am at hating the Holiday, at least the commercialized. The Faith-based aspect of the Holiday is a blessing and a curse for me also. Due to my numbing mind, distracting thoughts, and continuously overwhelmed with depression and anxiety. The anxiety of not helping people; some religious traditions get forgotten or started and not completed. So my already helpless feelings multiply because I hear all these people talking about their personal or family Christmas day traditions of reading the story of Jesus’s birth or daily for December following the advent calendar. Nevermind, some religious leaders or okay, meaning friends, tell you or give the impressions that you are less of a person because you are not taking extended periods for the Bible. Bible study and meditation time are essential and helpful, but this is a personal journey of finding the balance between what fits into the demands of life and when and how to decrease the demands on one’s time to spend time in the Bible and prayer. So comparing myself to Jones makes it worse. That does not mean I still keep trying to do something but not make it something that proves my worth. Where does this leave me as we move toward a twenty twenty-one that looks to be a repeat of twenty-twenty? Media and people are struggling with the perceived promise of a vaccine and returning to ‘normal’ also the New Year’s Resolution phase of the beginning of the year.
Honestly, I will not even try to plan New Year’s Resolutions until April or May. I will spend the next three to four months just listing the things in my home and myself that is important and want to change and brainstorm how to accomplish a realistic look at my ebb and flowing mental health needs. In April or May, try implementing life changes two weeks at a time instead of in one set clump created from that research and planning. Feeding the hype makes my life harder, so let’s step back and remove myself from the unrest.
Thank you for taking the time to read. Feel free to comment below to understand others may read the comments, but I probably will not. Anxiety goes through the rough, just considering it still.
May whatever your December and January look like, remember you can do this, and it may not look like another’s journey, but that is the beauty of living. We are all individuals, and our travels look different except the core, keeping fighting and learning. There are good days and bad days. Celebrate the good and learn from the bad.
LOL
Remember, the carts are not social distancing during this pandemic; the people using them are.
Cashiers can not fix your financial mistakes. All we can do is tell you what you overspent.
Reminder
Please shop from January to March. We would like more than ten to twenty hours a week to live on, and we cannot get unemployment because we are employed. Remember, we are paid eight to nine dollars an hour, so that is not a lot to budget and cover expenses.