Journey of Self, Home, and Employment and my effort to keep moving forward in life even when I want to hide and stall out instead of finding who I am.
As life moves forward, backward, or stalled, our lives can be a cornucopia of family, drama, culture, social, economic, employment, career, physical health, mental health, and any other variety that is living. Striving to live or move forward in this ever-changing abundance can seem to be smooth or a struggle during this personal journey. For me, employment has always been around what fits my family’s needs. So much of what I do only has the goal to please others. Whether I am looking for the verbal response or my own personal view of pleasing, this seems to be what drives me is pleasing others, not myself. Unsure this is due to my mental health needs or upbringing, which bothers me when I take the time to look back or forward. Why do I need to please others at the cost of my physical and mental well-being? This is a question off and on this journey of life, and I still have no answers except I feel worthless most days. Most people do not see it; all they see is I always say yes.
Pleasing others, not myself, when looking back is what always seems to drive my life. What seems, though, is against what society says is please yourself. Lately, I have been pondering what that means, and mentally can I make that work. Currently, my desire to please others has me working sixty hours a week with no days off. Looking back on my life journey, I have always had two jobs, work and school, work and family, or best of all, work, school, family. Which got me thinking, do I work outside of the home to run from home? The only time I only had one job outside of the home was when my daughter was little. Is this push to please others because there is no response from those within my home; all I am is the housekeeper with no verbal reward. In the outside work, I get a thank you. I have to do something. I have reached a wall of exhaustion. How do I balance what drives me with is just what my mind tells me I am responsible for.
Responsibilities are retail employment at a company that does not provide for its workers well, or the customer needs. The second is assisting an individual with 24-hour care, and the home health care system is not providing. Family and house care is my next what feels like employment, not family care. Church volunteers on weekends and weekdays, fortunately only three hours on a rotation. Blogging is another aspect of my life, but this brings me joy in writing, so is this a pleasing piece of myself? Another is starting my own business as an independent travel agent, a return to a dream I had in the eighties but unable to fill due to a lack of belief in myself. Reviewing this list brings consternation that my mind has placed me in another pothole or speed bump; that I am overthinking and struggling to leave this current dead end path and rebuild this path to a life that pleases others but also bring joy to myself that can balance out the negative my mental health daily has me living.
What do I pare back on this rebuilding of my life journey when I feel exhausted and overwhelmed? Which physically may get worse due to my work schedule has caused my insurance to remove my CPAP machine due to the policy that if the machine is not in use for over four hours daily, they will not cover the cost and covering a monthly hundred dollar bill never mind the upfront four hundred the company is demanding. Okay, back to trimming my life to pursue what brings me joy. I cannot fix the insurance company, find an alternative health path around it.
Thoughts on trimming or rebuilding my current life journey. Retail work searching for a company that cares for its employees and better work hours that I am home before midnight maybe eight. Home health is striving to limit my hours but still make sure the individual has care and keeps speaking to others that may be willing to fill the hours that I physically can not. Another option is to leave retail work that I have worked for twenty years completely and work at home healthcare since that is the greatest need. The problem, though, is through journaling, I have found the greatest part of self I have is retail/customer service. I can provide care in short spurts. These short spurts allow me to recoup the mental drain that develops in striving to be perfect for the individual needing care. I acknowledge that I am not a good fit for home healthcare; there is no hiding from the individual who sees you for four to nine hours a day. How do I find that enjoyment in providing care in short gaps? This is one reason I am considering returning to my childhood dream of being an independent travel agent.
Yes, being a travel agent requires I interact, but it is not like the blog where I have people trying to change or tell me I am wrong for how I think or feel. With travel, I can research and prepare detailed and extensive options to provide amazing travel options. It is on that individual to make a choice based on budget or priority of goals. So yes, I have options, but how do I move forward when the travel takes time to develop to be profitable, and I need to trim back on one or both of my other jobs. That is the crossroads I am still on but gaining closer to a decision. This does leave me still with the struggle of family and the lack of interaction.
The family is striving to restructure the hours that I am home earlier in the evening and try for a set day off if possible. Home is setting a better to-do schedule that gets the basics done well instead of just the half-butt way that is being done now. Additionally, accept that I will never hear the verbalization of a job well done. Which after twenty years of silence is still difficult but is just something I have to accept. Keeping my church volunteer schedule due to the sense of peace I feel when looking after the nursery-age children. When the retail job, fewer hours are worked, and I can implement the travel business’s training and start-up. I still struggle with home health because my heart wants to help, but as mentioned before, it is mentally draining for my personality. There is such a need for home healthcare workers for those that want to live at home. I do not feel right leaving an individual that needs me to be their hands and feet. My work-life journey is planned for a rebuild, but I still have not internally answered pleasing myself. In a way, though, in keeping with the blogging and travel are my enjoyment.
Unsure if this is helpful for anyone else but trying to find where and what brings joy in this life journey when exhausted from striving to live for others. This journey is stalled at the bridge or path that needs a rebuild. We will see where this journey moves forward. May this be helpful for those trying to move forward when everything seems stalled and overwhelming. Thank you to those who read. Still not in an emotional position to read comments but thank you to those that leave them. Have a great day.
Follow up, the Luxe light mentioned in the previous pieces has been working well. My sleep seems improved, and managing my anxiety and depression seems easier. Still struggling with a bit of paranoia which is normally only three to four days out a month. Unsure if that is due to the light or the current exhaustion and stress I am currently under.
Wrote the above on March 11, 2021, and it is now March 17, 2021. I came across the below March 14, 2021 Presentation from CBS Sunday Morning about Melissa & Doug toy company’s creators. I found amazing peace in knowing I am not alone in feeling and hiding my depression. Additionally, I found knowledge that it is okay to change paths in life and move forward. Personally, not positive yet about what all moving forward looks like but, this piece was refreshing. Also, the website LifeLines that they have started looks amazing.
After the serious topic, I leave you with this funny look at winter from a southern state resident’s perspective. Living in Ohio, I can relate to the cold comments.
FAITH: when going over this review and considering rebuilding my life journey. The message below is what our Pastor preached on life responsibilities, and Faith in God’s got this life journey. I will have to listen again because of my exhaustion and where my depression and anxiety are. Additionally, thinking that my Thyroid numbers may be off, but it may also still be me adjusting to the Luxe light I have been working with that has been working great.
I struggle to follow through and have Faith in Father Almighty’s message, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit have my life. It is not the lack of faith in God but in myself which does seem backward when thinking about Christianity, but that is where my depression puts me in Faith that gets me up in the morning and moves through life. Still, the anxiety and depression feed the doubt of my worthiness of the Gift we have in the Salvation through the sacrifice of Christ’s sacrifice.
Currently, my life journey is in rebuilding and refining my place in the world and my faith as a Christ-follower.