Diversity of Perception

FeaturedDiversity of Perception

People are fascinating! This fascination has increased as my years here on earth continue. Searching for understanding and living as part of this earth with mental health needs sees my anxiety foundation to please whoever I meet even at my health cost. This pursuit of understanding people and my anxiety; developed my purpose of understanding was through a Bachelor of Psychology, watching tv, and reading books, articles, and the Bible. This Research increases the feeling that people, no matter a small village of twenty in the backcountry or an urban sprawl of three million, we will live to disagree on all subjects, large or small. Diversity is a fantastic ingredient to living life to the fullest or complete chaos. As individuals, we must choose to engage in this life around peace, mediation, frustration, or anger.

Diversity of people and living seen through the subjects people pursue to have an opinion. The opinion of faith, religion, music, social media, houses, fashion/clothing, furniture, churches, politics, rules, and so many more. Childishly I struggle with why we cannot just get along; it would make my anxiety so much easier to live. Suppose I did not have to worry about how I spoke to someone and how they will perceive what I have said as an attack or agreement on the facts that I base my decisions and opinions. Opinions have become subject to the idea, turning them into fact-based on where and how they presented in social media and private conversation. Added fuel to the fire of discontent that some feel. Rationally I know that people will always feel differently than I, and I cannot please everyone but the mind has different ideas. I am still doing my ostrich routine of touching base briefly on subject matters important to me and the current worldview and watching national news, leading me to find two YouTube presentations. The presentations are about monuments and racism and a celebrity choice in responding to these 2020 contentious subjects.

CBS Sunday Morning – A monumental reckoning with Mo Rocha 10/11/2020

Mo Rocha of CBS Sunday Morning presented a piece about Monuments of Historical figures and how since May of 2020, there has been a push to have all removed. The first individual he spoke with was Eric Armstrong Dunbar, a Rutgers History Professor and Author who sees George Washington as one of our founding fathers and a slaveholder. Got me thinking about the Diversity of our Perception toward different subjects. These perceptions were made, by how we grew up, lifestyle, culture, society, research topics and origins, and our mental health position. George Washington shows how our lifestyle, community, and culture impact how we perceive people and physical representations of history and art. Found Ms. Dunbar, perception of monuments and how above elevated people and the power of over us. Personally, my perception is that it is over a top idea. I can see what she is saying, but why do we have to put so much thought into a piece of metal that many may not even know who it is except that we need to meet if we get lost in a new city. Additionally, it does reinforce the cultural and societal positioning at the time of statue installation.   

Another historical figure was Christopher Colombus’s removal and the perception of his statue based on culture and advocacy to the political arena at the time of installation. The Italian Americans had him put up as pride and response to them in 1890, but others see him as a figure of oppression. Mo Rocha spoke to Lonie Bunch of the Smithsonian about statues taken down and their place in history. His position is that statues should present today’s value and the challenge that would become. That the changes to the figures should become part of a discussion, and discussion is not taking place. Ms. Dunbar was of a similar mind, but her words supported the destruction of the current ones based again on the opinion/perception that rage fueled the attacks. A rage becomes physical attacks. Another author interviewed presenting a different perception of the situation.

Richard Brookhiser comes from the thought that humility should be part of the discussion. Loved his phrase, ‘If you are only going to have statues of perfect people, you are going to be left with Jesus Christ.’ As a believer, I agree that someone may completely oppose their personal experiences of Jesus Christ and religion. He has written about many of our founding fathers. He compensated for his position at George Washington’s role in our history. Lonie Bunch also feels that our historical people should give a foundation for discussion to change the landscape of understanding and diversity of culture statues.

Philadelphia, in 2017 placed a statue of Octavius Catto, a murdered 19th-century civil rights activist. Why do our children not learn of this level of history also?  

Learned that statues toppled in anger have been happening since we have been putting them up in response to what we perceive is the good of our historical people. Then removed as history change so personal perception is this destruction should be a part of the conversation and another shift in culture that prayerfully will not turn into a Civil War that will kill 700,000. I considered trying to find actual numbers of blacks killed versus police who died in the line of duty. I wonder what the real numbers will show, but again perception of presented statistics would make that search difficult. Unsure if I genuinely want an answer because it is not something I can fix. Additionally, just seeing the diversity of thoughts over statues and their destruction or creation is extensive.

On a positive uplifting, how as an individual can change the landscape by the choices we make in interacting with others. CBS Morning interviewed Jon Bon Jovi and his wife’s response to the 2020 hot topics. Shows that we are responsible for our actions in the positive or negative. Do we support and lift those in need or be bitter and complain about the small and large aspects of life that we perceive as important.  

CBS Sunday Morning – In Conversation: Jon Bon Jovi with Lee Cowan – (NOTE: Upon the time of posting this a week later it is no longer available and unsure why? But have left it just in care it returns.) It did talk about the new album for 2020, then postponed due to COVID. Then he looked around to the people’s needs that he could help—seen through the soup kitchen and food bank/pantry. He mentioned that the music-wise was able to move toward writing about the country situation. That song was Do What You Can. Another one toward American racial conflict in America’s Reckoning. Both amazingly fit the problem that is the foundation of what becomes confrontational opinions—striving for personal accountability of changing how we live at a one to one level, treating our fellow humans with equal care.  

I am striving to live to the best of our ability with the information we have from reputable sources. My perception/opinion of reputable sources is Research from scientists, a generalized overview from our government, and my situation.  

One aspect of current politics that is important even in this diversity of perception is that those in the United States are getting out and voting either early, absentee, or November 3rd. We are a democracy still, even though it may not feel like it to some. We do yet have a right to vote and present our opinions through the ballot box. My grandfather always said that one does not have the right to complain about decisions politicians made if one did not take the time to cast their votes.

Non-Faith-Based get out to vote, and here are two non-partisan sites. One is from 2018, so the Uber and Lyft information is not fully current, but here is the 2020 information I found (Lyft, Uber to offer discounted rides to the polls on election day, by Trevor Mogg on 9/16/2020).

How to Vote in Every State 2020

2018 Non Partisan Voting Resource by Kristin Brey

Here is a faith-based response to the need to vote that I found a great listen.  

Jonathan Evans – Official Endorsement on 10/9/2020

Thank you to those you read Random Observations. Sorry I do not respond comments maybe further on I will.

Belated September 2020

FeaturedBelated September 2020

It has been a rough month; depression and anxiety were not easy to manage. Even this far into October, I have not determined the trigger or if it is just a hormonal shift. Without further blabbing, here is a condensed September working on putting together October. Success or Fail is two extremes to some. For me, this is how I emotionally review my personality, emotions, and mental health. Anxiety is still high; where do I go forward without going backward? 

Anxiety extreme had me thinking my husband was leaving me because he worked at the office for twelve hours. After some hearty journaling and reading past posts, I was able to move out of this illogical thought. Looking at the basics, my husband had not packed any clothes, I handle the budget/homecare, and he had already stated it would be a long day. I was incredibly proud that it only took me five hours to move me out of that thought process with no logical foundation. Additionally, I was comfortable speaking about my fear. Remarkable progress acknowledges that I have anxiety and takes me on journeys that no one else can see. This spike also reinforced that the second week of the month is an aspect of my life that I must prepare for emotional and nutritionally. In looking at my blogging and journaling, this is always an extreme anxiety work. What can I try for next month?

Was I coming up with ideas for next month? I am thinking of pursuing food and essential oil alternatives to avoid adding a prescription to my routine because most medications do not kick in for a week. My severity only is for a week. I want to find an additional component to not expend so much energy physically and emotionally on illogical anxiety thoughts. I often get my essential oils from DoTERRA due to the amount of research they put into their products.  https://www.doterra.com/US/en/wellness-topics-calming-anxious-feelings. When possible, it is best to find a professional to check. For me, I have not been able to find a holistic physician near me. My primary has not said I could not pursue oils; he has commented that there is not enough research available. I will try using lavender in my diffuser during the day and on a necklace, the Balance mix that doTERRA offers, and see if that helps decrease the time I spend cycling through my anxious thoughts. Life, in general, has gone well.

I have found a balance in my sixty hours of work and not harassing my daughter about her current poor life choices. I have faith that she will succeed in her life. She is just making choices that will delay that. But at eighteen, she is responsible for her future. A problematic week not to push when all I see is the worst-case scenario of her living in the street all her life. She has no motivation and feels that everything is fine. She gets nasty when I ask after her assignments to know how to document her school hours. Hmm, I cannot live her life guide when she has questions; back to my week.

I will put this week as a success; my work hours have maintained—housework taken care of and without anger that I do not receive any help. Anxiety was there but could work my way through my attacks may have taken some time but managed and only caused some exhaustion. Life’s journey filled with potholes but manageable get out of after some time, filling in either with sand or rocks that shift. 

I did not get to post last week due to a lack of motivation, and I have little to add these weeks. They merged and considered moving this to a monthly review allowing me to concentrate on blogging on observations.  

Last two weeks of September

Exhaustion and anxiety have been my shadow during this time. Unsure where to go because this seems to be a constant after the previous anxiety weeks. I got so little accomplished, and my depression is harder to manage. Medically this makes sense because anxiety and depression, unfortunately, go hand and hand. I am not getting anything done but work and the absolute bare minimum of house and family care.

Honestly, all I can look at is planning to keep to my plan for last week and see if this changes next month. Hold out hope for change, moving forward with my life goals, house, and family change. Have a thought. I may start using the DoTERRA Balance this week to see if that helps.

With reluctance, I am going to put these past weeks as a success. I have not called off work, and I am not sleeping all day.

Even though from the outside and inside my mind, I feel like a failure. With difficulty, September is a success. One may ask why? As mentioned prior, I did not call off, and my family has clean clothes to wear and clean dishes to eat from. Reason I had difficulty is I see what I’d not do most of all is not posting to blog out of fear. The anxiety of my fear bothers me that it is so controlling. So these last three weeks are a success.  

Ran across this from the Cleveland Orchestra shows what planning and determination can accomplish as the world changes around you. The norm is no longer possible. Meaning of Life and Goals needs evaluation and altered. We need to strive to not live in the past of prior pandemic. Move onto life during and after a pandemic.

CBS Sunday Morning – “Sunday Morning” Matinee: “Ode to Joy”

Faith Look

Below are the last three church messages from Pastor Shawn. For me, I find great peace of mind and heart that it is okay to struggle, question, and keep striving to improve one’s life. Most of all, the struggle is part of living in this world since time began. Life is not perfect; all we can strive for is living well.

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/6/2020

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/13/2020

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/20/2020

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/27/2020

Imitating an Ostrich

FeaturedImitating an Ostrich

Imagine an ostrich how we think that they hide from predators with their heads in the ground.  


Coming to find out that they usually crouch to camouflage with nature. 

National Geographic Information on Ostrich

With that in mind, for the benefit of my mental health and all of the current anxiety-inducing subjects.  Subjects that are anxiety and depression triggers are the loud conflicts of mask-wearing, pandemic facts versus opinions perceived as fact, election fact vs. fiction, politicians, race, right to protest versus rioting, etc.  I will continue to imitate an ostrich’s nature to camouflage myself from being part of the conflicts to protect my mental health.

I have touched base on this through past blogs, but as the weeks and months keep pushing on the fractured world we live.  The most recent is the latest Political and Black Lives Matter ads.  As a white person who strives not to see race, religion, color, or lifestyle choice, instead, treat the individual’s actions.  Since the end of May, I have struggled with the media telling me I am a horrible person because I am white; therefore, I’m privileged. 

Explained: White Privilege, Systemic Racism and Implicit Bias | NBC10 Philadelphia  · 7/6/2020

I struggle because judgments are made on many society segments, many based on economics; unfortunately, color is just more visual of a presentation. Still, clothes and street addresses also impact people’s impressions of who you are that may not be factual.

When I see ethnic and black people succeeding in life around me, additionally, the opposite end of the spectrum is those of all social, political, and racial range rioting, not just blacks.  We are a country of many options again; we need to find workable solutions for all, not just the loudest or violent voice.

Yes, I am blessed if I did not have anxiety. I do not have to worry about being stopped by the police just because of my skin color.  Of course, I still worry about being stopped with fear due to thoughts like did I stop slow enough, stay long enough at the stop sign, and any other illogical thoughts like that.  A person of color has many more views, at least from what I understand of different articles and YouTube videos.  Another example is people calling the police because they are just there or in Trayvon Martin’s situation just because he was walking home.    What keeps running through my mind is that the financial aspect keeps a large portion of our society down.  Yes, color is a part of it, but educating the diversity of learning styles. It is what we should concentrate on; as a society, determine how to inform the different learning styles equally.  For me, equal education is to bring back apprenticeships, skills testing in junior high and again yearly in high school, and counseling for all, not just those perceived as having problems.  Another aspect is to support those equally that are not college-bound and assist with finding training programs for their skill interests.  Also, arrange for junior and senior high school students to shadow their perceived career choice, so they genuinely see in a one week to one month time the nitty-gritty of working the field they say they want.  

Allowing all to make a personal choice to succeed at what they are comfortable working.  We all have different career/work goals.  A career to find internal success.  After many years of pain, I have accepted that even though it is not acceptable to the world, I am happiest as a retail person.  I have emotionally fought against striving for the world image of achieving an office job.  Truly happiest helping others and being on my feet and moving around in a supermarket, mall, or restaurant setting.  Twenty plus years of putting myself down that I was not a success by not scribing a ‘career.’ When I had one, it just did not look like one accepted by a large percentage of society. 

Earlier I did mention finances.  I do not feel that increasing the minimum wage is the way to go but looking at corporate waste and determining why our prices of goods are so high.  Another aspect is teaching realistic budgeting in the classroom and teaching want versus need and how to achieve that within a budget, not instant purchasing.  Where does this leave me with planning to imitate an ostrich?

With that mentioned, I want to be aware of the world’s topics around me for my mental health and work on watching some real news.  Local, national, and international in small doses and ones that strive to be neutral in presentation (Yes, you may laugh at me.).  Currently, finding a smattering of channels will allow me to hear or read the basics of what is going on.  It is difficult to find media outlets that concentrate on equal reporting, not bipartisan reporting, that is a large portion of reporting.  Another is just trying to find peace with much of what is causing chaos and immature reactions.  Just again, trying to find a balance of what is informative but not too harmful and emotionally destructive to my anxiety and depression.

May this find everyone well.  I just wanted to show that you may not be alone being overwhelmed with our current world topics.  Stay safe in this time of change. I strive to live with the understanding that life is not returning as we are familiar.   Accepting and determining how to live in this new era will see us succeed in accepting our unique experience.

I came across this TED Talks by Chris Coward Interesting piece about misinformation and our responsibility to listen or forward information.  Found this helpful.

TEDx Talks – Unmasking Misinformation | Chris Coward | TEDxSnoIsleLibraries

Channels I have been watching and some of their most recent uploads

CBS This Morning – Media mogul Tyler Perry on “Camp Quarantine” production and helping others – I enjoy watching these for showing that okay we have a problem, let us find a workaround.

BBC News – All children back in school by September in England pledges government – Watch BBC, I understand due to language also it is interesting to see how another country sees how they are handling the situation taking place. They are also just as confused as the US, but they presented differently and decreased negativity and finger-pointing.

News 5 Cleveland – Summit County Public Health strongly recommends K-12 schools reopen with remote learning – Usually, News 5 Cleveland due most times shows the information with a limit on the negative finger-pointing and often presents the facts with specialists giving the information.

The Ohio Channel – Ohio Governor Mike DeWine – COVID-19 Update / August 13, 2020  – when possible, I try to watch this to get the basics of information from the Governor to know what is sent out to our local policyholders and decision-makers.

Side note, as you can tell by some of the dates, I have been struggling with whether to put this one up. Essential that it is okay to find a comfort zone living in this changing new world. I feel we will not be fully returning to what was.  

2 Week Review 8 & 9/2020

Featured2 Week Review 8 & 9/2020

Just something to think about as you go forward on this day forward from CBS Sunday Morning.

CBS Sunday Morning – Smile Behind the mask

Prep note combined two weeks; my struggles with my mental health has not changed much.

Week Review 8/25-28/2020

Physically had a decent week. Emotionally has brought up plethoras of struggles. Am I doing the right thing by working sixty hours? Why do I feel more value working outside of the home than providing care for my family? What is my place in life? Why do I push myself? These are the thoughts on my mind.

The first question is, am I doing the right thing working sixty hours? Took on what was to be fifteen to twenty hours a week, as mentioned before, has turned into thirty to thirty-five—these extended hours due to lack of employees. Where my mind keeps going is I enjoy what I am doing—interacting with all the individual personalities, even the cranky, nasty ones. Trying to be a smiling face in a sea of tiredness of all the struggles between the top News Topics. Retail also has fewer anxiety triggers by pleasing people in short bursts. That is the thirty plus hours of retail; what about the thirty-one on one.

Home care work is not as anxiety trigger low as retail but does bring joy, providing care for someone who can only minimal ministration for themselves. Doing personal care, home care, and errands for an individual brings some peace that I am helping someone. I am struggling with that if someone I trusted were able to step forward to care for this individual, I would step away from home care. It makes me feel like a horrible person; the family is fantastic and beautiful and wonderful to care for. Selfishly although this aspect of care is something I am not genuinely comfortable. My anxiety does work in me—any ache, pain, infection, or problem I take on as my fault. The individual continually tells me that I am not at fault; her serious health needs cause illnesses. I struggle not to take that on. Does this make me a horrible person that providing care to someone in need is not as meaningful to me as ringing groceries to a constant rotation of individuals?

This week has been weighing on my mind. Physically I will continue, and emotionally I will continue. Over my days of contemplation and reinforced by Sunday’s sermon, I am where I asked to be. Retail feeds me emotionally and allows me also to find spots in my anxiety to work. Caring for the individual gives peace to a family having a person willing to come every assigned time and not call off. An excellent simple thing but home health care has extensive call-offs leaving some individuals left in their beds or wheelchairs because they cannot get themselves up physically. How I met the person I currently care for: her evening aide called off a half-hour before she was due to go to bed, and I was available. Accepting that for both jobs is the right thing right now in regards to finances and emotionally. Where does this leave with my family requirements?

Family care is a whole other crisis; why do I not feel any emotional support or physical support from my husband and eighteen-year-old daughter? Positive aspects my husband cooks for himself. Does my daughter still ask what I am making for dinner? Yes, even though I only have two hours between my two jobs and I still have laundry, dishes, budget care, and grocery shopping. I am keeping my internal anger at this lack of physical support. No one is stepping up to clean or other care items. I do not even know why I am looking for this; I have never had it before. Physical and emotional support is not something either my husband and daughter can; they only see there needs. I celebrate the moments when my daughter asks me what she can do as I bring in groceries, and she puts them away. She empties the dishwasher within an hour of me asking. So I guess I Place myself as accepting the limitations of my family and emotionally pursue rewards outside of the house. 

An additional component of working so much is my daughter is in her last year of high school and is not motivated to graduate; she is probably not going to unless she truly realizes her mistake. I tend to hover, which makes her work less. Not being home keeps me from harassing her about her assignments, her words, not mine. For me, this will be the most challenging year to accept that she may fail by her own choices, and there is nothing I can do outside of doing the work for her, which is wrong. So hard mental health-wise, to know that she is so amazingly talented but has no drive to work outside her comfort zone and strive to suck it up and finish school and move onto what she enjoys and make a life that supports her. Where do I go from here?

On my weekly review of success or failure, I have accepted that I will place this week as a success. The anxiety is there but with difficulty, but successful habits could keep it to the background instead of the overwhelming front incenter feeling of failure.

Enjoy the journey of life as you see fit to live it, not someone else’s perception.

Thank you

Faith thoughts about keeping working on one’s goals; I have found them meaningful. What I enjoy is that Pastor uses scripture as an example that our life struggles have been around since time began. As people, we are not alone in having support and standards of living life well.  

Hope Church – August 30 Service – 9 am

Week Review 8/31 to 9/5

A repeat of last week’s mental health struggle is the same. Balancing between living life as if there are no adverse mental health thoughts when interacting with those around me. Internally the battle of what we are is unsound thoughts, and shifting them to a positive is such a struggle. I talked with a friend when I communicated my work thoughts from last week. She did not get what I was striving to share, which briefly made me feel like failing. Then I realized I was trying to fit her perception, not what and how I live and succeed with my anxiety. As with last week, I consider this week a success. I have not called off either work, and my family home is still standing, and the basics are handled.

Faith input but some truths even if one does not follow a religion. Found this week’s Sunday message, just a great reminder that even the church, even in the beginning, had arguments or differences of opinions. So seeing the conflict of belief in people’s statements and interpretation of facts are argued then and now. As individuals, we must strive to work as individuals toward decisions that benefit those around us for safety and well being. 

Hope Church September 6 – 9 am

Weekly Review 7/27-31-2020

FeaturedWeekly Review 7/27-31-2020

Hmm was unsure if I was going to review this past week. The depression slump I have been in does not seem to have eased up. I want this feeling of living in a fog of distraction and feeling tired. So with tentative thought, list this as a good week.  

Good because I have been able to maintain care for the family. Not as much creativity as I would like, but I think that may have to because the Anxiety review that I was working on has hit some aspects of my life that have made a daily living with my depression a challenge. Additionally, weighing to return to retail work while still working as a home health aide has been an intricate decision to make to who I am and caring for my other responsibilities.  

Some would ask why I want to return to such a menial low paying and disrespected work when I am doing so much work by working in the medical field. It has taken me years to accept and even now have difficulty accepting. I enjoy serving others in an anonymous capacity. Serving in retail is different. I am helping others. Giving this help is simple to some, but without the legal and emotional heartache, that other industries bring. I could move from serving in retail to serving in the psychology field. But the problem with that is that the paperwork not helping people is emotionally destructive to me. I like to keep moving physically; I die inside sitting at a desk filling out notes and questionnaires, instead of sitting and speaking to people and seeing their successes in life.  

Thoughts in mind, it took some time to understand that my spike in anxiety and depression was induced by over the last three months of who and where I was the happiest working. Having enjoyment through working as a home health aide is terrific in a service aspect. In my situation, genuinely blessed because I have just one client and company that accepts that is all I want. My thoughts and prayers go to those that need to go to multiple clients. But I am in one spot with one face, and over the months, I have missed the daily interaction of total strangers and the regulars. I missed being stopped and asked a question of where something is. What was a struggle was that to return to retail is going back to being embarrassed about what I find enjoyment in that provides money to pursue my goal of paying off my school debt. Total remodel of our home so my husband I can safely stay there to the end. Where does this leave me this week on mine?. The absolute scale of success or failure?

For the personal pursuit of success or failure, this week was a success emotionally. Accepting that it is okay to work retail, this is what brings me joy. This joy even though I am on my feet for 5-8 hours and dealing with people who are cranky with no filter. Imagine facing the people that post negative or odd opinions on social media on an hourly basis, with the attitude that you did not move fast enough. Even when it is there turn, they want the same care of detail that you gave the customer before them. Yes, there are those in retail that should not be there as workers, but all industries, have people that do not work well. That is the life of employment; some preform the minimum of work and maximum of work. Where am I at home, thou?

Succes on the physical aspect I am still struggling with, but I am improving on accepting limitations. Again eighty to ninety degrees with no central air or window boxes just fans are draining, and I did not realize how much. Writing those words helps, but I still place myself at a standard I should be doing better. Success is repetitious because I am not going further into depression over the subject that my physical projects have stagnated. Hopefully, the meteorologists are correct, and my area is moving toward a cool down so I can go back to my downsizing and cleaning.

May this week find everyone well during this time of chaos on the world, national, and local stage of opinions. Exterior chaos does not mean we cannot still keep working on finding where we fit in the world that leaves us emotionally and spiritually at peace with our place.

Follow up from last week and Athletic Greens. I love it; I take it additional to my vitamin routine. Currently, once in the morning around 6 am, feel energized and clear-headed during the morning. I do dip in the early mid-afternoon, so I will monitor if that is food or mineral interaction. Given my medical deficits, I feel great after taking the Athletic Greens, assisting with energy, edema, and mild headaches. From what I can determine for me, it does not impact my depression and anxiety, maybe positively, because I could add walking and add ten more work hours to a twenty-four-hour workweek of employment that is physically demanding. The web page does market toward the sport and exercises culture, which I am none of these just the exact opposite.


May this day find everyone well. I look forward to striving to posting daily and finding my place again with an expanded work schedule and life observations.


Planning who needs planning?

Planning, Moving Forward, or Stagnating?

The week has started positively. I had a plan; pulled out a Daily list I created several years ago. My Daily Lists are so I do not forget what I feel is needed and not get distracted. Some may find it silly or extensive. For me, I have always had records of one sort, either too long, detailed, or short. Started them ages ago so everything could get done in a day. I get distracted as I go about my day or feel as I have forgotten something, lists allow me to stay on target and not get distracted by something new that I see need doing and how long of a break I can do in between each task. At least that is the plan, but unlike the A-team and Hanibal Smith, my ideas very rarely come together Hannibal: “I love it when a plan comes together!”.

Examples of distractions caused by the over-thinking mind; a simple manner, a couple of months ago, I saw several smudges on the bathroom mirror at 6 am and proceeded to clean it, in turn, waking my husband. He had two more hours before he needed to be up for work. Realistically the glass could have waited to a better time in the morning, but I felt compelled to clean it. A great example is deep cleaning the kitchen counters and floors. I will go to put something away in the Pantry and then start pulling that apart or deep cleaning, which is an all-day project. Which in turn, my deep cleaning the counters and drawers never get finished. The last example is on the opposite end if I am feeling exhausted, allergies, severe headache, or depressed, my breaks never stop, and the day ends up wasted.

Monday (4/27) was a fantastic day was able to keep to my daily list but also added two items not planned. I started the set-up of my back patio. Additionally begun working on a room that needed partially emptied and re-arrange a room that works better for my husband, who will continue to work from home till June 8. Maybe even longer though Ohio has started opening corporate offices up as of May 4, with the caveat that those that can continue to work from home do so. My head does feel congested from working around outside and the dust from moving boxes out of the spare room. Feel successful, just tired. I finished the day with my job as a Home Health Aide helping an individual to bed.

I look forward to how the rest of the week goes.

Tuesday (4/28) is emotionally a struggle for energy and motivation. Early am worked 5 hours as a Home Health Aide. When arriving home, I was barely able to work on emptying the room that started yesterday. Got home at 12:15 pm from work; it is 2:15 pm right now and struggling with the thoughts that I am failing to accomplish anything. Now writing that I realize I am too hard on myself. It is okay to take a break before preparing for the rest of the day. Well, time to move forward choosing to put some books away and fold laundry; while listening to the OH Governor News Conference. Hopefully, This will help me by not sitting listening, and if I keep moving, I can accomplish more and not fall asleep or just read as I have in the past when I sit down mid-afternoon. I got the books done, but not the folding felt ache, headache, and tired, so I finished listening to the conference and cleaned up my email of junk mail. Previously I mentioned watching the news conference at dinner for some reason that did not seem to work, unsure why. Successfully shopped for burger supplies, grilled, and cleaned up. Still feel tired and distracted going to call Tuesday a success. I will see the progress made on Wednesday and see what successful routine I can build around my work schedule and the needs of the family home.

Wednesday (4/29) I am a little concerned about how productive today will be, slow start tired, headache, and ache. Groggy thinking it is because I took my insomnia medication took a 20-minute catnap while listening to someone reading scripture verses the tone is soothing (down below is the link). I do not feel as tired still have a slight headache. I am going to try moving forward with just a decongestant. Try to limit my aspirin, Tylenol, Advil use, in years past my headaches had me taking 8-10 Tylenol in one sitting only to dull the ache. Well going to try moving through my morning routine again, see if I can manage more. I am still tired and distracted. Fortunately, it is only mid-morning. I was going to try another catnap since I was able to accomplish several things. Struggling with not letting my anxiety and self-worth overpower the success I have had in thinking positively. Successfully moving forward, I took my husband, asking me to finish the project started on Monday. I am comfortable with what completed as always would love to have done more, but at least I did not stop like I usual. I finished the day with my job as a Home Health Aide helping an individual to bed.

I look forward to how the rest of the week goes.

Thursday (4/30) is emotionally a struggle for energy and motivation. Probably because I did not take my insomnia medication and woke at 1 am and 3:30 am. My early am work of 5 hours as a Home Health Aide was okay; I got home at 12:15 pm from work. Upon reaching home was extremely tired and the beginning of a migraine, so I chose to nap for an hour. Taking a nap is difficult emotionally; I always feel lazy and worthless for not being able to push forward as I used to. I did except that this was the right decision because I was able to get up work on some additional tasks around the house. For once am looking forward to how Friday proceeds.  

Friday (5/1) This day has gone well so far. I was able to accomplish sorting the boxes taken out of the spare room at the beginning of the week. I have successfully kept sorting and daily home care, which, for me, is excellent. I feel successful, which may seem small, but I am thrilled that I was able to maintain movement and not give in to my lethargy and headaches. We shall see how the weekend and next week comes may or may not be with as much detail, will depend I have asked to take on another 15 hours of work next week. So this will either help or hinder the progress I have made.

Stil an internal struggle I am used to 10 to 12 hour days that are 5 to 6 days a week, since the late ’80s. When for the last four years and more so the previous two years, I become exhausted quickly and fall asleep or lose track of time when I sit. Decreasing my work hours, tasks, and accomplishing so little pushes my anxiety and depression about my self worth and value to my family. Accepting these limitations continues to take time. It does not mean I will not keep trying new things to gain back at least half my energy back. Working toward a better method of still caring for the family, blessed with using the current power and emotional structure I have currently in case I am unable to return to my previous level of energy. Plan for the worst and celebrate personal perfect.

So to wrap up this week, I am comfortable with what I have been able to accomplish, and my anxiety and depression have been at a positive level with only some minor dips, which is excellent. To round out the last five days on a funny note in this time of COVID-19 stay at home I ran across YouTube song Quartine Song (Epic Parody) by Peter Hollens, for me, this struck my funny bone. Enjoy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjpvTQisBng

For the future, I have a variety of ideas hoping to work toward, depending on how my anxiety lets me. One, I am thinking of putting my blog to YouTube, just a reading of what I wrote to help those that find reading difficult. Two, I have some phrases that I may turn into t-shirts or mugs. Three, I used to enjoy reading scripture or books that match my life questions, and struggles might return to that and post on a separate page. The scripture on a separate page will allow those who want to read do so but not offend those who are not comfortable with that.   Four, allowing comments to be left on my posts. Just not there yet.

Prayerfully everyone is well during this time of challenge, struggles, questions, success, and just finding who we are and being at peace with what our mind and experiences will shape us to be.


The A-Team (TV Series 1983–1987) – IMDb, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084967

Jan 23, 1983 · A significant discovery for “The A-Team” was Dwight Schultz, as ‘Howling Mad Murdock.’ A remarkably versatile actor, Schultz was adept at accents, physical humor, and rapid-fire one-liners, and his exchanges with Mr. T were funny without ever being demeaning.

Classic TV info, http://www.classictv.info/show/quotes.asp?show=16

4/28/2020 Ohio News Conference https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DF9q4eXF_I

Scriptures reading on YouTube find this voice soothing, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovgqsFEu9QE


3/25/2020 to 4/1/2020 Observations

Over the years, I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the future, and I may post that daily struggle from my perspective. Back on 3/25/2020, I concentrated on how I see the world around me during week two of COVID-19 stay at home request order here in Ohio. I much respect our Ohio leadership, and the lack of bipartisan outward media covered bickering. The 2 pm Live session has been instrumental in keeping calm and decreasing the anxiety that I could be feeling based on the future uncertainty of our current world. On the other hand, in watching the live sessions of our federal government, I am saddened, and I have to stop because they exacerbate the anxiety. After all, our elected politicians cannot work together and that it is all about their popularity or fiscal bottom line. I do appreciate that after a week, they were able to compromise somewhat so things can move forward even though if I read correctly from CNN payments may not be seen till May, of course, I usually read Time Magazine, New York Times or the Washington Post. (https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/stimulus-checks-senate-deal-includes-individual-payments-but-dont-expect-the-money-until-at-least-may/ar-BB11GLpv?ocid=bingtonews).  

Unsure why, where and how our political arena is so immature and unproductive, I am still in hope/prayer that this current medical/financial crisis will bring the best from people. However, in watching the live debates, that feeling is low.  

Home wise the need to stay home is not much of a shift. My husband and I rarely leave our house unless to work or to a maybe once a week trip grocery shopping. I have concluded though that my food shopping before COVID might label me a mini hoarder. Because except for ½ gallon of milk, we are just now considering leaving the house to fill in some pantry bald spots in regards to fresh items my husband enjoys.  Before anyone worries about the dynamic of our marriage I enjoy a wider variety of vegetables and to fill that need of variety I order my vegetables delivered on a bi-weekly basis from Perfectly Imperfect Produce https://www.perfectlyimperfectproduce.com/) for me this offers me a small variety so I am not buying large amounts that I end up throwing out.  I also like that they donate a portion to food shelters.

Anxiety and depression, I am concerned for others around me due to the shock and unable to meet up and talk it out as a group. Prayerfully they research and keep informed with the local news. For myself, I am still numb, unsure where and how to move forward, taking on some tasks I have ignored concerning deep cleaning, taken in small batches due to a list of physical health concerns. Motivation to move forward in looking for work from home is a question. Do I still pursue, or do I wait? Is it wrong looking for additional employment outside of caring for an individual person, four days a week for a couple of hours a day? One of many areas of thought my anxiety gets me in trouble, those never-ending thoughts that stop me from moving forward in life. For others, and even my husband, who goes and does it, where I waffle on what is the right decision. What if I mess up/fail, should I, and how will it impact others? As research shows, the anxiety moves into depression because I should be more durable than that, and I am so stupid for just going and doing.

So for today (3/25/2020), I have accomplished the daily basics and not much else, which is frustrating and sad because I have worried more about moving forward than doing. We shall see tomorrow if I can accomplish more.

Will you look at that!  A week has passed and my fear of failure out waded my desire to post/blog. This morning (4/1/2020) I read a Time article that expanded on the earlier CNN article about  May date for stimulus checks. The May dates were for the large segment of our society that does not have a bank account to have the payment sent to, and they need or choose to have their IRS check mailed every year. The article was ‘A Double Whammy.’ Those who Most Need the $1,200 Stimulus Checks May Wait for the Longest to Get Them—written by Abby Vesolis and Alana Abramson on March 31, 2020, https://time.com/5812750/stimulus-unbanked-checks-coronavirus/. For now, this is just a collaboration of my thoughts from March 25 to early am of April 1, 2020.  

Life will move forward as I strive to overcome my fears and I can expand and blog my thoughts and the daily struggle of not letting anxiety and depression conquer a life that can be well-lived.  Prayerfully see you soon on this journey of self-discovery of who I can be. 

Happy Mother’s Day?

Another year down and another year I contemplate the randomness and frustrated aspect of our society.  Mother’s Day is a day of revering and showing our love for Mom.  Over the week prior you get the famous question what are you doing for Mother’s Day?  For the week after what did you do for Mother’s Day?  Response I worked this year past years I have done yard work.  Then the response oh, you poor thing didn’t they take you out or wish you a Happy Mother’s Day, they should have.  Response nope not something we make a big deal about and try to leave it alone.  Yeah would I have liked to go out to eat yes but I can do that any day and do I want to eat with thousands of other people that are out doing the same thing, No.  Dining around large crowds of people that are tired and cranky because they do not want to be there and the children are misbehaving because they have been shifted out of their comfort zone does not make for a pleasant dining experience.

Does anyone stop to think that making a big deal of this day has repercussions for a wide variety of lives.  There’s women that have no children due to a wide variety of situations infertility, put up for adoption at an early age, lack of family, difficult relationships, self-centered family, never married, women in nursing home not visited, mom passed away, and many more.  People that financially cannot keep up with other’s spending on this day.  Another are mom’s that find this day stressful and wasteful having to please their direct mother’s expectations or their mother in-laws and their needs are trampled.  Most of all as a Mom should I not be respected and thanked throughout the year not just when the media reminds ‘you’ that you have a mother.  Unless you are a father with young kid’s the husband should not be required to do something for his wife that is what anniversaries are for to show thankfulness and love for each other this allows the husband to spend time with his mother.

Floral Department where I work is routinely busier day on Mother’s Day than Valentines.  But to do this they have to work twelve hour days for four days. Several of them are mom’s.  To put a perspective on the amount of people remembering Mother’s Day is staggering.  A second vehicle is rented and a department that normally has one to two staff daily had five to six staff for four days from 7 am to 10 pm.  All just to handle the work flow.

Here is my thought is instead of making a big deal of a made up day why don’t we thank our mom’s or help our mom’s in all they do daily.  If Mom likes flowers pick up one or two of her favorite on any old day and give them to her and say thank you.  Stop by her house or if still at home do a project that she daily does before she does or she asks you to.  Pop over and ask her to lunch or if she works make arrangements with her boss to take her to a long lunch on any of the three hundred sixty-four days of the year.  Mothers are always here let’s strive to respect and love as a constant not a once a year event.

So, what did you do this Mother’s Day? Opps, let’s try this again what are your ideas for randomly offering thanks to your Mom without prompting?

THANK YOU to all those that worked up to and during the chaos of Mother’s Day.