Journey of Self, Home, and Employment

FeaturedJourney of Self, Home, and Employment

Journey of Self, Home, and Employment and my effort to keep moving forward in life even when I want to hide and stall out instead of finding who I am.

As life moves forward, backward, or stalled, our lives can be a cornucopia of family, drama, culture, social, economic, employment, career, physical health, mental health, and any other variety that is living. Striving to live or move forward in this ever-changing abundance can seem to be smooth or a struggle during this personal journey. For me, employment has always been around what fits my family’s needs. So much of what I do only has the goal to please others. Whether I am looking for the verbal response or my own personal view of pleasing, this seems to be what drives me is pleasing others, not myself. Unsure this is due to my mental health needs or upbringing, which bothers me when I take the time to look back or forward. Why do I need to please others at the cost of my physical and mental well-being? This is a question off and on this journey of life, and I still have no answers except I feel worthless most days. Most people do not see it; all they see is I always say yes.

Pleasing others, not myself, when looking back is what always seems to drive my life. What seems, though, is against what society says is please yourself. Lately, I have been pondering what that means, and mentally can I make that work. Currently, my desire to please others has me working sixty hours a week with no days off. Looking back on my life journey, I have always had two jobs, work and school, work and family, or best of all, work, school, family. Which got me thinking, do I work outside of the home to run from home? The only time I only had one job outside of the home was when my daughter was little. Is this push to please others because there is no response from those within my home; all I am is the housekeeper with no verbal reward. In the outside work, I get a thank you. I have to do something. I have reached a wall of exhaustion. How do I balance what drives me with is just what my mind tells me I am responsible for.  

Responsibilities are retail employment at a company that does not provide for its workers well, or the customer needs. The second is assisting an individual with 24-hour care, and the home health care system is not providing. Family and house care is my next what feels like employment, not family care. Church volunteers on weekends and weekdays, fortunately only three hours on a rotation. Blogging is another aspect of my life, but this brings me joy in writing, so is this a pleasing piece of myself? Another is starting my own business as an independent travel agent, a return to a dream I had in the eighties but unable to fill due to a lack of belief in myself. Reviewing this list brings consternation that my mind has placed me in another pothole or speed bump; that I am overthinking and struggling to leave this current dead end path and rebuild this path to a life that pleases others but also bring joy to myself that can balance out the negative my mental health daily has me living.  

What do I pare back on this rebuilding of my life journey when I feel exhausted and overwhelmed? Which physically may get worse due to my work schedule has caused my insurance to remove my CPAP machine due to the policy that if the machine is not in use for over four hours daily, they will not cover the cost and covering a monthly hundred dollar bill never mind the upfront four hundred the company is demanding. Okay, back to trimming my life to pursue what brings me joy. I cannot fix the insurance company, find an alternative health path around it.  

Thoughts on trimming or rebuilding my current life journey. Retail work searching for a company that cares for its employees and better work hours that I am home before midnight maybe eight. Home health is striving to limit my hours but still make sure the individual has care and keeps speaking to others that may be willing to fill the hours that I physically can not. Another option is to leave retail work that I have worked for twenty years completely and work at home healthcare since that is the greatest need. The problem, though, is through journaling, I have found the greatest part of self I have is retail/customer service. I can provide care in short spurts. These short spurts allow me to recoup the mental drain that develops in striving to be perfect for the individual needing care. I acknowledge that I am not a good fit for home healthcare; there is no hiding from the individual who sees you for four to nine hours a day. How do I find that enjoyment in providing care in short gaps? This is one reason I am considering returning to my childhood dream of being an independent travel agent.  

Yes, being a travel agent requires I interact, but it is not like the blog where I have people trying to change or tell me I am wrong for how I think or feel. With travel, I can research and prepare detailed and extensive options to provide amazing travel options. It is on that individual to make a choice based on budget or priority of goals. So yes, I have options, but how do I move forward when the travel takes time to develop to be profitable, and I need to trim back on one or both of my other jobs. That is the crossroads I am still on but gaining closer to a decision. This does leave me still with the struggle of family and the lack of interaction. 

The family is striving to restructure the hours that I am home earlier in the evening and try for a set day off if possible. Home is setting a better to-do schedule that gets the basics done well instead of just the half-butt way that is being done now. Additionally, accept that I will never hear the verbalization of a job well done. Which after twenty years of silence is still difficult but is just something I have to accept. Keeping my church volunteer schedule due to the sense of peace I feel when looking after the nursery-age children. When the retail job, fewer hours are worked, and I can implement the travel business’s training and start-up. I still struggle with home health because my heart wants to help, but as mentioned before, it is mentally draining for my personality. There is such a need for home healthcare workers for those that want to live at home. I do not feel right leaving an individual that needs me to be their hands and feet. My work-life journey is planned for a rebuild, but I still have not internally answered pleasing myself. In a way, though, in keeping with the blogging and travel are my enjoyment.

Unsure if this is helpful for anyone else but trying to find where and what brings joy in this life journey when exhausted from striving to live for others. This journey is stalled at the bridge or path that needs a rebuild. We will see where this journey moves forward. May this be helpful for those trying to move forward when everything seems stalled and overwhelming. Thank you to those who read. Still not in an emotional position to read comments but thank you to those that leave them. Have a great day.

Follow up, the Luxe light mentioned in the previous pieces has been working well. My sleep seems improved, and managing my anxiety and depression seems easier. Still struggling with a bit of paranoia which is normally only three to four days out a month. Unsure if that is due to the light or the current exhaustion and stress I am currently under.

Wrote the above on March 11, 2021, and it is now March 17, 2021. I came across the below March 14, 2021 Presentation from CBS Sunday Morning about Melissa & Doug toy company’s creators. I found amazing peace in knowing I am not alone in feeling and hiding my depression. Additionally, I found knowledge that it is okay to change paths in life and move forward. Personally, not positive yet about what all moving forward looks like but, this piece was refreshing. Also, the website LifeLines that they have started looks amazing.

CBS Sunday Morning – Melissa & Doug co-founder on confronting her depression March 14, 2021

Silly Note:

After the serious topic, I leave you with this funny look at winter from a southern state resident’s perspective. Living in Ohio, I can relate to the cold comments.

Home Free – Southerner in the Snow March 12, 2021

FAITH: when going over this review and considering rebuilding my life journey. The message below is what our Pastor preached on life responsibilities, and Faith in God’s got this life journey. I will have to listen again because of my exhaustion and where my depression and anxiety are. Additionally, thinking that my Thyroid numbers may be off, but it may also still be me adjusting to the Luxe light I have been working with that has been working great.  

I struggle to follow through and have Faith in Father Almighty’s message, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit have my life. It is not the lack of faith in God but in myself which does seem backward when thinking about Christianity, but that is where my depression puts me in Faith that gets me up in the morning and moves through life. Still, the anxiety and depression feed the doubt of my worthiness of the Gift we have in the Salvation through the sacrifice of Christ’s sacrifice.  

Currently, my life journey is in rebuilding and refining my place in the world and my faith as a Christ-follower.

Hope Church – February 28. 2021 Service 9 am

Moving Forward…

FeaturedMoving Forward…

Moving forward, when the mind is clouded, my mental health concerns seem challenging and frustrating—writing in a point of severe agitation, distracted thinking, increased anxiety, and just plain lethargy. Questioning over the last several weeks, spending time again is this only an additional component of mourning, seasonal depression and light therapy, change in work responsibilities, or agitation at the world at large. As the world moves forward and I seem to be standing still, let’s review each component and see if I can find a resolution.

Warning this piece holds just a breakdown of how I am working through personal life components that agitate my anxiety and depression. Treatment pieces that one should not try without talking to a physician, psychologist, or research. Not sure if it will help anyone or not, but here it is, a dive down the rabbit hole that is my life with mental health.

Where oh where to start when my thoughts and emotions feel like a pinball machine. The quick and easy one is that my home health aide client’s mourning is pain full but slowly moving away to the right balance. Due to the nature of the individual’s illness and length of hospital stay, I also assisted in visiting the hospital’s person to say goodbye. Accepting that ending of a season of life and moving forward. Leaves that I think at a comfortable spot for me. Next on the spindle of these pinball thoughts.

Seasonal Depression, when looking over the list of symptoms, hits all the components I am living. The hard part for me is keeping moving forward and not throwing in the towel and sleeping or reading my day away; for me, I think that working the hours I do is also a component of running away. If I am exhausted from working, I cannot think clearly. Reading and work, I have noticed it is the component I am currently struggling with. My frivolous reading is overwhelming what little time I have in working sixty-hour weeks. Time is taken up with work or family responsibilities; please do not take that wrong working and reading is lovely whether for fun, research, or financial gain. My problem is that unless I set a timer when I read, hours will go by, and one I could not tell you what I read, and two, nothing was accomplished but me being late for an appointment or work. The only aspect that I have right now to work around my getting lost in thought is setting a half-hour timer for my reading “break” and paper to write down what I am working on and need. I also use ‘Alexa’ or my cell phone alarm app with labels of why before an appointment or work. Both have helped the labeled alarms more than ‘Alexa’ on getting to places. Another component I am trying, by my primary care doctor’s suggestion from a yearly well-check, is light therapy.  

I am using light therapy for two weeks now, unsure what to say due to it being less time than I prefer to say yay or nay that something works. Nevermind, I started using it just a week before. I usually have hormone spikes that increase my anxiety and agitation for a week. What I have so far are the first three days. Not much change sat in front of it around eight am for ten minutes as suggested. Day four and five noticed a little more energy and were able to add some more house projects to my time. I did see my one am wake up restarted. Last week I noticed an increase in agitation and anxiety toward other people and their actions, but I usually do this week. But I did see more of an increase in not being able to manage it.  

Anxiety and agitation toward others’ idiosyncrasies I strive to understand that we are all different and will not agree. Last week was atrocious in my having an even keel when being around others, which is hilarious when you consider I work retail for half my employment. The anxiety impacts me though approved to be trained for a higher position in the store, the person training me decided to shift my training to another individual. Which has hit my self worth and has the company changed their mind, and does the other individual find me too difficult to train or not worth training. It takes me time to talk myself down from that, mostly when I see this first ‘trainer’ hovering and supporting someone else that has had weeks of training. My non-anxiety and rational mind visit briefly remind me that this trainer is twenty years younger than me and could be scared by my twenty plus years of retail management experience. I do not follow around like a puppy; I ask questions and then do my work. Anxiety comes into play as she is not always truthful and what she is telling the store manager. Fortunately, I can balance all this out. I have a co-worker that said the same thing happened to her, and I copied her procedure notes, so I have something to work with when I get thrown into the deep end. UGH, I know in my heart and mind this is normal; it has happened before.

Trying to balance reality, anxiety, depression, and just plain life is so draining and frustrating.  

Nevermind, I have not honestly sat down and watched the news, except to check the weather and, as I like to say, make sure the world has not exploded. I indeed tried, but I am struggling with wanting to be a good citizen of the United States and be aware of its decisions. On the other hand, I am anxious and scared with all the government finger-pointing like kindergarteners who are at fault. Also, what I have read is some of the discussions or bills passed that will impact citizens negatively with loss of jobs and benefits. Nevermind, the headlines never read the same, and the facts keep changing. What happened to research before submitting for readership. For the last two months but specifically the last week, I have just been reading a subscription to Morning Brew, emailed to me, and I find it just straightforward information and as bi-partisan as the world can be right now. If interested, after reading the previous attached link, you are welcome to follow this link to subscribe to the Morning Brew subscription link. (FYI – This link does mean I get points for referring.)

So for the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinball of life has not fully resettled, I am okay, just struggling like all of us. The success is to keep moving forward and keep the marbles of vitality moving. Below are some videos that I have found over the last month that keeps me understanding that I am okay. Anxiety and depression are part of my life. I live that is a success and keep moving forward.

Adam Savage had a question and answer that helped remind me that I am responsible for choosing to live and think of my mental health as an individual, not as a comparison to others. I can change it to a tool of positive or negative. Some days are a struggle, but if we keep striving to find what works to keep the ping pong machine of life moving. 

Adam Savage’s Tested – “Is ADHD a Positive or Negative for Makers?” 1/31/2021

Found this song from Dolly Parton during January that has helped remind me to keep moving forward even when I want to give up. As an individual, I contribute to this world even though no one may see it, but the God who created it does. Also that I am who I am, not someone else. But it is good to remember we do not all look or live life the same. We are here to help others be that simple or big, and it is our choice as individuals to live life as successfully as we can.

Dolly Parton – Shine On 1/24/2019

Side Note: 

It has taken me two additional weeks to get this up since I wrote initially and a slight update on the Luxe Lamp for seasonal moods. I shifted to 30 minutes first thing in the morning to read my bible or sit quietly. This time change because of a suggestion from my Fit Bit membership about good sleep patterns. They also suggest no screen time a half hour before bed I have been unable to do that. I am currently two weeks not waking at one to two am, which is excellent; I feel groggy throughout the day, unsure if my body is adjusting to a full six to seven hours asleep after three to five in twenty plus years. Life is ever-changing goals are to push forward even there are obstacles.

Random Observation of Social Distancing

FeaturedRandom Observation of Social Distancing

Ohio had the first snowstorm of the season. Saw this image at work, that brought to mind our 2020 World and Personal view. Many communication avenues are saying we are stressed by not having personal connections with those around us. Yes, that is true but is it not time to thrive as we move into 2021? We should readjust our view or GPS on our emotions and life expectations.

Picture yourself as the tree in the middle surrounded by the taller trees. Does this tree not look beautiful, all covered in the snow surrounded by others covered in snow just as well. The center tree has a limb outstretch to converse, interact, and shelter those around. Strong to support the snow but also surrounded by others in the same situation. Transferring this into an individual human component is that it is stifling to be social distancing but we all are.  Let’s change our narrative to thriving in this time of change instead of looking back.  How stifled are we indeed in this day and age of transportation, communication, and problem-solving?

The limbs spread out shows the reach we can have as an individual. Take time to continue to develop a routine of quiet time, not planning; this will look different for everyone. Still, some suggestions read a book, listen to soft music with a clear mind, and concentrate on searching out the positive around you even it is small that you even have quiet time, or read the Book of John, Psalms, or Proverbs of the Bible. Part of the tree is sheltering you, the individual, from the elements. Limbs are reaching out.

As you see the limbs reaching out, those limbs support the birds, squirrels, and other small animals as they climb out to the edge. As individuals climb out to the edge and change our path or thought process, we are as trapped as we make ourselves. Yes, you may not be able to leave your home but contact your local library to get on their home program to drop books monthly for you to read. Strive to look around and what kind of exercise you can do. Not being physically mobile, or you are those who can walk your neighborhood, google or bing search local parks and walk them, limited mobility stretches your arms try to reach the end table where you could not before. Make new goals we are as little as our mind, and sometimes our physical bodies place us. Physical example, during fifty to eighty percent of my day and work, my fingers become numb with pins and needle feelings. I make more mistakes, but I enjoy working and writing. Nevermind, there is spell check, and if I stopped, I would be giving in; as humans, we can adapt and change. Trees do that all the time. They lose a limb and keep growing, and even when a tree dies, they nurture the ground around it or warm a home. As an individual, are you going to prove the negativity right, whether it is your mental or physical health or the world around us right now that we need to accept there are aspects of our life we have no freedom we need to follow the rule given to keep us and those around us safe?  Do we not do this in the workplace or social services presented by job and family services?

The smaller tree nurtures the larger trees, but that can turn just as negative if the smaller tree becomes ill. Illness (Dutch Elm Disease) can spread to the larger trees, and then you have many trees dying that may not contribute through the nutrition of the ground or warmth to a home due to not wanting to spread. As citizens, it is also our responsibility to keep those around us safe if we had the flu, pneumonia, and now COVID.  

Instead of railing against what we cannot change and return to the familiar of ‘normal,’ let’s look around at the positive. At least in the United States (probably other countries as well), our politicians are allowing us to leave our homes to walk our local streets, parks, and other areas. The malls, shopping areas, churches are still open. At least a portion of our society can still work. Why not instead of saying I cannot go anywhere wough is me what about trying to walk or drive to a friend’s place just to put a card or gift on their door that you made yourself that you are thinking of them. Please make it a goal to walk somewhere in your town or city instead of driving there if possible. If you are genuinely unable to leave your home, reach out through Facebook messenger and say hi to someone or call. Make it a goal to contact at least two to three people a day. If you are like me and do not have that many people in your circle, send out thank you cards to business or call and thank them, they are open. See if you can volunteer at the local food bank. See if you can help at a homeless shelter.  

We are a people that can adapt and thrive if only we will reach out like the tree. It may initially look like it may buckle under the snow it has on the limbs, but it does not, most times, and it bounces right back up. Even if it does lose a limb due to much strain, it is still standing and thriving just differently. As society and culture, do you choose to buckle and break under the perceived stress of what is happening around you, or are you going to step back a moment, refresh, regroup, and change the situation’s narrative and thrive? Yes, thriving will look different, but that is the beauty of humanity. Find shelter and celebration on the little and large successes and losses because every day is new and ever-evolving if you allow it.  We can thrive to a new and beautiful 2021 if we choose to accept the things that are not changeable but change the aspects of the narrative that we can. 

I choose to celebrate social distancing it has eased the strain of my social anxiety I do not have as many people to please.  Which has helped to quiet my depression and allows me to concentrate on readjusting how I live my life, find what is important to live well, and interact with those around me.  I choose to find those I can support or shelter under my limbs and find the positive among the negative.  What can you choose to change and adapt to strive to thrive in 2021 and make it a year of positive change even if we still are under the same policies as 2020?

Song of showing adapting the struggle we have to thrive but shows we still can. 

Katy Perry – Rise (Official) – 8/4/2016

Katy Perry – Roar (Official) – 9/5/2013

Faith Walk Song of Strength I enjoy listening to about choices to thrive and where to find strength.

Casting Crowns – Thrive (Official Lyric Video) from 12/18/2013

Works Cited

CONTRIBUTOR: The Editors of Encyclopaedia Britannica, TITLE

Dutch elm disease, PUBLISHER Encyclopædia Britannica, DATE PUBLISHED November 13, 2019, URL

https://www.britannica.com/science/Dutch-elm-disease

ACCESS DATE December 05, 2020

Why Are We So Angry At Each Other?

FeaturedWhy Are We So Angry At Each Other?

Was going to title the 2020 US Civil War? In a moment of depression, but did not want to get anyone thinking I was advocating such action.

The US Civil War idea came to me as I was looking at the CNN Politics monitoring of votes counted during the election week. The red and blue separation just came to mind listening off and verbal diarrhea in various media and communication forms. Random Observations and contemplations of these past weeks of US Elections and all the hoopla presented by the sound bites, media, and just individuals. Currently, the media is placing Biden and Harris as the elected officials. Where does that leave my anxiety and depression?  

This past week should not have been beneficial mentally during this time of verbal civil unrest that the US seems to be in over the Presidential election. Whether it is an aspect that the individual you voted for got in or not. The words used around is not needed. Acting like spoiled children who do not get their favorite toys or candy does not accomplish anything. We may not agree as a whole unit but living in a constant state of agitation or worry is not beneficial during the diverse changes that 2020 has brought. People are making sounds that there will be many critical changes or that politics rigged. How do these conjectures and stories help our country go back to being unified as Americans, not whatever we are now? How will January twenty-twenty-one impact the future?

Change is inevitable. The incoming President has a help everyone script, and the outgoing had corporate support. Both are different mindset and planning. The change will take time; our politicians give verbal cue they want to help, but the actual presentation that they do not understand what it takes to live as a lower to middle-class individual or family. This change and people disagree are what scares me to lose everything that my husband and I have striven to achieve. Nevermind the life my daughter will have. I will be honest, selfishly, the idea my Federal Loans zeroed, is excellent. Would no longer owe a degree that has caused financial drain and no job prospects. Mental Healthwise, where am I?

What keeps me from being overwhelmed by anxiety and depression over the anger chaos I see moving forward due to this election. Our country is divided over political discussion and health mandates. But hopefully, we will see little change because our government will keep squabbling and accomplish little. This opinion comes from how little help small businesses and low-income individuals and families have received from our government during this pandemic. Additionally, the money that to the unemployed was more than many make in a month. When you make more from being unemployed, then many companies have had a hard time hiring. Nevermind, Biden kept mentioning shutting down the country till the pandemic is gone or the vaccine found. Unsure financially how Biden and the government intend to pay for this, but then again, I have seen government budgeting does not act like residential budgeting. I also ran across this article from a law firm presenting what a government can and cannot do. COVID-19 AND THE CONSTITUTION: What Government Can and Should Do Posted by Gary L. Wickert on March 16, 2020, Last Updated on March 19, 2020. Found this informative and a simple scale. Even though it is from mid-March, it still presents facts.

For the pandemic, my thoughts let it run its course with precautions as we are doing and continue toward expanding the economy and getting people back to work. Let’s keep moving toward ground roots progress. Our country has been through outbreaks before and survived and recovered. As time moves forward, the verbal and, in some areas, physical attacks will continue throughout our country due to the opinion being considered fact. Facts being misinterpreted and considered an attack.

Additionally, having our police and military decreased instead of balancing out the high state of on-call, our law and the army need to be daily to protect themselves and us. Please give them a space to decompress safely; it may also save some marriages. Also, the social services and counselors’ training that some politicians want to throw at the problem. Are they going to have self-defense training or how to kill someone to protect themselves? Due to the individual being so high on drugs that they are a physical danger. Prescriptions for some use to mute the mental health needs that our government assistance and insurance do not provide. Nevermind the fact that, in general, people still are not comfortable around those with mental health.  

Where do I emotionally go from here as I dread the time ahead? I see one political party that wants me to work for what we have. An aspect of life that I thrive, other political party wants to govern my every action and tell me what I am worth. I do not want to be babysat by our government and told when I can and cannot get healthcare and have to live in fear that there is not enough military or police to protect me.  

Unsure if I have found any mental health balance toward what is ahead. I have accepted that outside of the election. Have no control over our politicians who genuinely do not care about or understand the needs of all the citizens that voted. All they are interested in is protecting their power in a government structure that is no longer ‘Government of the People, For the People, By the People.’ What is available for me to control my mental health is that I need to concentrate on caring for my family. Check-in on the news and do what I can to protect my daughter’s future and my husband and I retirement plan. Just continue finding homeopathic methods to care for my physical and mental health needs. Additionally, live on a tighter budget to balance out that finances will be less than they are now.  

Again all we can do is go forward and care for our local needs and be aware of how our government will impact our life; becoming anxious about it will not give us space to find ways to work around the constrictions. Let’s stop arguing. We need to return to care for those around us instead of tearing them down with our words and actions.

Meaningful Video – Centralized my thoughts to strive as an individual to survive in this current struggling and divided country.

Home Free – What We Need Is Love (Premiered November 6, 2020)

Funny Video: I just thought I would wrap up the post with something humorous.

Matthew West – Gobble Gobble (Official Music Video) 11/13/2020

Faith/Religions Thought – From a Faith, perspective is that my church or I will not be able to speak on my personal lifestyle choices in five years or less. We will become people under attack. For me, it has always been love, the sinner, not the sinful decisions. We are all sinners. Why can we not let everyone live their lives as they see fit instead of attacking others? Yes, there will be people who attack, but it does not have to be so many. What if we stop trying to set up people or businesses that do not agree with how you live? What is the point of destroying a person’s life dream by words or actions? God loved us all. He does ask us to make individual safe choices, these choices can cause consequences, but that was our choice to say yes or no. But that is off topic but part of why I fear for the laws put in place by the next four years of politicians that want to suppress our religious freedom by labeling it hate speech. Because it is not attacking religions to hate speech, just like speaking against lifestyle choices hate speech. We are heading toward a slippery slope of perceptions, options, and actions.

American Pride?

FeaturedAmerican Pride?

Found the below video about how international news commentators and journalists see the United States and the current election and many past years. One aspect that I came away with that I am embarrassed to be called an American. It is not just one person’s fault. Personal Perspective is how proper communication, problem-solving, and compromise are no longer implemented or shown. Additionally, we seem to have forgotten our history that made America the ultimate destination for a melting pot of nationalities, cultures, skills, and religions.  

The New Yorker – What Do Foreign Correspondents Think of the U.S.? Documentary posted 10/26/2020

As November third approaches here in the United States and voting nears, I struggle with my mental health needs and the conflict between Democratic and Republican sides. This battle between the two political sides brings forth anxiety when speaking with people.  Personally, choose not to speak about either political label. Due to my strong illogical desire not to offend others and start an argument, I cannot win depending on which side of the political divide the individual is speaking from politically. Part of this position stems from my home; we are a two opinion household running a government. So, where does this leave me when moving around this politically charged landscape we currently call living.

Somedays, I want to throw up my hands and move to land in the middle of the forest or island, become a nomad van orR.V. dweller. My perception is that these make it easier to avoid others. Currently, that is not feasible, and I am sure many from that lifestyle or culture still interact with others; it gives the impression that it is easier to avoid conflicts. Well, now that we know, I cannot avoid things like I desire. Currently, I live with others, and my two jobs are industries that have me working with people face to face. Where do I go from here to not only survive but to thrive in this land, we call America that claims to have pride but is so fractured that the individual’s perception of what being American means. 

Let us break down American Pride definition-wise. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, American pride does not even have a definition. It is just sad that there is no definition of something that the media spouts about that America is Amazing. So if we are wondering why, is there no definition describing American Pride? Let me see what I can determine by breaking down the two words.  American is a word to describe an American Indian of North and South America, a native or inhabitant of North or South America, and a native or inhabitant of the U.S. citizen.  Pride is the quality or state of being proud either with conceit or reasonable self-respect. Well, I guess that explains why American Pride avoided having a definition in the dictionary. As culture shows or presents the good and evil as Americans, we can be the arrogant or present culture of ingenuity and self-respect. Contributing to the world that we are conceited would not be something that, as a culture, we strive to ignore or negative over the top behavior.

Some people’s actions show conceit by feeling that they are owed things without following the rules in place or earning by effort. Just saying you are American does not give you the right to be seen as royalty. I saw that in being a Voting Poll worker in the last election. Many times, I heard, “What do you mean I cannot vote? I am an American Citizen.” Suppose one has not registered or followed the laws in place by one’s state or local county. In that case, people need to accept a mistake, learn from the error, take personal accountability, and change individual action from that point. Acknowledging the conceited behavior shows that we are abusive to those around us instead of the country of inclusion that we pretend we are. There has always been a culture entering our country that was attacked because they are escaping severe situations.  Immigrants, mean the different perceptions of how life should live based on their societal and cultural norms to mesh with the new culture they find themselves with, not what the tv or movies present.

We have forgotten the melting pot that America began termed starting in the early seventeen hundreds and a method of living our religious and self-rule freedom. This desire for self-rule is why the revolutionary war was our leaving a monarchy. What is scary to me is when delving into some of the political rhetoric presented to the general public from social media or political rhetoric, we are striving to return to why immigrants left their countries of origin. Being told how to live, spend our money, and what healthcare we are allowed without a free choice. Yes, some can get insurance, and some cannot. Companies need to return to offering affordable and beneficial health insurance to all employees, not just full-time employees. Most part-time employees cannot get insurance, and with companies that do, it is low quality and takes a third to half of an individual’s paycheck. Insurance companies, the Doctor, and Hospitals need auditing. Not our Government paying for something that they can barely afford for those that are disabled or infirmed. Scared about what our future will look like when I cannot get care on time and cost due to not getting to a doctor. I have this trouble now with insurance, and I have watched over individuals with medicare get less care than I do, so why do I want a government to rule every aspect of my life. Below is a presentation of Canada and French and how it matches the U.S. system. I am not promoting any particular political party, just presenting information allowing for the blessing that living in the U.S. gives, which is the freedom of choice in voting. Yes, the presentations sound right, but U.S. government parties cannot even agree on how to help those impacted by COVID, so how would our Government even implement or pay for this supposed healthcare for all.

CNBC – How Canada’s Universal Health-Care System Works

CNBC – How French Health Care Compares To The U.S. System – 2019

Making America Great or Build, Back Better, living in our country, is a personal choice. We must take responsibility for our actions, and that means re-building our nation. As individuals, we cannot wait for the Government to do it for us. We must do it as individuals, not the Government’s place to tell us how to make our country. We need all economic and social society levels, but evening this out would be lovely but impractical; there has always been a society based on financial separation. What is essential is to strive to take care of those in need without stripping away their desire to improve themselves. We can all, at a personal level, survive and can be thriving. It is all in the perception of our circumstances. What is essential food on the table and family safe. What if we reached for that instead of things that have minimal value.

  Voting and Living for Pride in America is learning and presenting a society and culture, celebrating the differences in all of us. Culturally, Economically, or Religiously that may not always agree but disagree with humility and genteelness. America began from a desire to live with a free religious and governmental rule; our forefathers fought the Revolutionary War for independence from a monarchy and tax without representation. World War Two, we rationed to support our troops. How have we gone away from this get-up and go to sit and talk/complain? It does not mean riot but research extensively and get out and vote what your conscience leads you to. Get out and volunteer with groups that help underprivileged, abused, or sex traffic. Needs are plentiful in our country. Please get out and volunteer or financially support the needs of the many who do not expect a government that no longer understands the financial needs of their constituents. Suppose you cannot help with time or money and support word of mouth by talking or posting on social media. Making America something to be proud of again is a ground roots action of taking care of the needs of those around us, not waiting for the Government who probably could not even agree on what color to wear one day. We are a melting pot, and right now, we are not a cohesive aromatic blend. We are a rotting separating mess.  

Let’s get out and vote based on research and conscience. Let’s get out and help others and accept that we will not all agree, but each of us can make a fantastic blend in this melting pot we call the United States.

Here is a music video that registered, and I kept thinking of how many of us live in self or situational cages. It is time to strive to step out and break the apathy wall that has fallen on many of us. Make choices to change the world around us individually, not the big picture that will take care of itself as time moves forward if we return to striving to treat people as equals and care for their physical and emotional needs. 

We The Kingdom – Cages (Live Album Release Concert) – 9/3/2020

‘Feed a man a fish he starves the next day. Show a man to fish he will eat every day.’ Of course, my depression just took over my writing and finished that with ‘then the man starves when he overfishes the stream.’ But that is the beauty of humanity and the diversity of people. Where one association can show a man how to fish, and others can come in and show how to do so sustainably. Suppose we return to working together and stop pushing ourselves to strive for the media’s idea of an ideal life and determine our perfect personal experience that brings a sense of mind and heart peace. Peace looks different to all of us. I would be happy on 500 acres of land providing care to RV and van dwellers through a laundromat, wifi, showers, place to stay for a couple of days to a year privately. Another individual may be happy living in a prominent downtown city or small town caring for our immigrants, police, youth, military’s emotional needs, career training, or financially supporting a food bank.  

Get out and vote and look to yourself to make changes to a better society to understand that mental health, physical needs, culture, lifestyle, religion, and life experiences will impact yourself and those around you. Agreeing to disagree is okay. Strive to help those around you through word, action, or both. Let’s make American Pride something to be Proud of again.

Works Cited

International Encyclopedia of the Social Sciences, Melting Pot, https://www.encyclopedia.com/history/united-states-and-canada/us-history/melting-pot

Merriam Webster, Melting Pot Definition, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/melting%20pot

Diversity of Perception

FeaturedDiversity of Perception

People are fascinating! This fascination has increased as my years here on earth continue. Searching for understanding and living as part of this earth with mental health needs sees my anxiety foundation to please whoever I meet even at my health cost. This pursuit of understanding people and my anxiety; developed my purpose of understanding was through a Bachelor of Psychology, watching tv, and reading books, articles, and the Bible. This Research increases the feeling that people, no matter a small village of twenty in the backcountry or an urban sprawl of three million, we will live to disagree on all subjects, large or small. Diversity is a fantastic ingredient to living life to the fullest or complete chaos. As individuals, we must choose to engage in this life around peace, mediation, frustration, or anger.

Diversity of people and living seen through the subjects people pursue to have an opinion. The opinion of faith, religion, music, social media, houses, fashion/clothing, furniture, churches, politics, rules, and so many more. Childishly I struggle with why we cannot just get along; it would make my anxiety so much easier to live. Suppose I did not have to worry about how I spoke to someone and how they will perceive what I have said as an attack or agreement on the facts that I base my decisions and opinions. Opinions have become subject to the idea, turning them into fact-based on where and how they presented in social media and private conversation. Added fuel to the fire of discontent that some feel. Rationally I know that people will always feel differently than I, and I cannot please everyone but the mind has different ideas. I am still doing my ostrich routine of touching base briefly on subject matters important to me and the current worldview and watching national news, leading me to find two YouTube presentations. The presentations are about monuments and racism and a celebrity choice in responding to these 2020 contentious subjects.

CBS Sunday Morning – A monumental reckoning with Mo Rocha 10/11/2020

Mo Rocha of CBS Sunday Morning presented a piece about Monuments of Historical figures and how since May of 2020, there has been a push to have all removed. The first individual he spoke with was Eric Armstrong Dunbar, a Rutgers History Professor and Author who sees George Washington as one of our founding fathers and a slaveholder. Got me thinking about the Diversity of our Perception toward different subjects. These perceptions were made, by how we grew up, lifestyle, culture, society, research topics and origins, and our mental health position. George Washington shows how our lifestyle, community, and culture impact how we perceive people and physical representations of history and art. Found Ms. Dunbar, perception of monuments and how above elevated people and the power of over us. Personally, my perception is that it is over a top idea. I can see what she is saying, but why do we have to put so much thought into a piece of metal that many may not even know who it is except that we need to meet if we get lost in a new city. Additionally, it does reinforce the cultural and societal positioning at the time of statue installation.   

Another historical figure was Christopher Colombus’s removal and the perception of his statue based on culture and advocacy to the political arena at the time of installation. The Italian Americans had him put up as pride and response to them in 1890, but others see him as a figure of oppression. Mo Rocha spoke to Lonie Bunch of the Smithsonian about statues taken down and their place in history. His position is that statues should present today’s value and the challenge that would become. That the changes to the figures should become part of a discussion, and discussion is not taking place. Ms. Dunbar was of a similar mind, but her words supported the destruction of the current ones based again on the opinion/perception that rage fueled the attacks. A rage becomes physical attacks. Another author interviewed presenting a different perception of the situation.

Richard Brookhiser comes from the thought that humility should be part of the discussion. Loved his phrase, ‘If you are only going to have statues of perfect people, you are going to be left with Jesus Christ.’ As a believer, I agree that someone may completely oppose their personal experiences of Jesus Christ and religion. He has written about many of our founding fathers. He compensated for his position at George Washington’s role in our history. Lonie Bunch also feels that our historical people should give a foundation for discussion to change the landscape of understanding and diversity of culture statues.

Philadelphia, in 2017 placed a statue of Octavius Catto, a murdered 19th-century civil rights activist. Why do our children not learn of this level of history also?  

Learned that statues toppled in anger have been happening since we have been putting them up in response to what we perceive is the good of our historical people. Then removed as history change so personal perception is this destruction should be a part of the conversation and another shift in culture that prayerfully will not turn into a Civil War that will kill 700,000. I considered trying to find actual numbers of blacks killed versus police who died in the line of duty. I wonder what the real numbers will show, but again perception of presented statistics would make that search difficult. Unsure if I genuinely want an answer because it is not something I can fix. Additionally, just seeing the diversity of thoughts over statues and their destruction or creation is extensive.

On a positive uplifting, how as an individual can change the landscape by the choices we make in interacting with others. CBS Morning interviewed Jon Bon Jovi and his wife’s response to the 2020 hot topics. Shows that we are responsible for our actions in the positive or negative. Do we support and lift those in need or be bitter and complain about the small and large aspects of life that we perceive as important.  

CBS Sunday Morning – In Conversation: Jon Bon Jovi with Lee Cowan – (NOTE: Upon the time of posting this a week later it is no longer available and unsure why? But have left it just in care it returns.) It did talk about the new album for 2020, then postponed due to COVID. Then he looked around to the people’s needs that he could help—seen through the soup kitchen and food bank/pantry. He mentioned that the music-wise was able to move toward writing about the country situation. That song was Do What You Can. Another one toward American racial conflict in America’s Reckoning. Both amazingly fit the problem that is the foundation of what becomes confrontational opinions—striving for personal accountability of changing how we live at a one to one level, treating our fellow humans with equal care.  

I am striving to live to the best of our ability with the information we have from reputable sources. My perception/opinion of reputable sources is Research from scientists, a generalized overview from our government, and my situation.  

One aspect of current politics that is important even in this diversity of perception is that those in the United States are getting out and voting either early, absentee, or November 3rd. We are a democracy still, even though it may not feel like it to some. We do yet have a right to vote and present our opinions through the ballot box. My grandfather always said that one does not have the right to complain about decisions politicians made if one did not take the time to cast their votes.

Non-Faith-Based get out to vote, and here are two non-partisan sites. One is from 2018, so the Uber and Lyft information is not fully current, but here is the 2020 information I found (Lyft, Uber to offer discounted rides to the polls on election day, by Trevor Mogg on 9/16/2020).

How to Vote in Every State 2020

2018 Non Partisan Voting Resource by Kristin Brey

Here is a faith-based response to the need to vote that I found a great listen.  

Jonathan Evans – Official Endorsement on 10/9/2020

Thank you to those you read Random Observations. Sorry I do not respond comments maybe further on I will.

Belated September 2020

FeaturedBelated September 2020

It has been a rough month; depression and anxiety were not easy to manage. Even this far into October, I have not determined the trigger or if it is just a hormonal shift. Without further blabbing, here is a condensed September working on putting together October. Success or Fail is two extremes to some. For me, this is how I emotionally review my personality, emotions, and mental health. Anxiety is still high; where do I go forward without going backward? 

Anxiety extreme had me thinking my husband was leaving me because he worked at the office for twelve hours. After some hearty journaling and reading past posts, I was able to move out of this illogical thought. Looking at the basics, my husband had not packed any clothes, I handle the budget/homecare, and he had already stated it would be a long day. I was incredibly proud that it only took me five hours to move me out of that thought process with no logical foundation. Additionally, I was comfortable speaking about my fear. Remarkable progress acknowledges that I have anxiety and takes me on journeys that no one else can see. This spike also reinforced that the second week of the month is an aspect of my life that I must prepare for emotional and nutritionally. In looking at my blogging and journaling, this is always an extreme anxiety work. What can I try for next month?

Was I coming up with ideas for next month? I am thinking of pursuing food and essential oil alternatives to avoid adding a prescription to my routine because most medications do not kick in for a week. My severity only is for a week. I want to find an additional component to not expend so much energy physically and emotionally on illogical anxiety thoughts. I often get my essential oils from DoTERRA due to the amount of research they put into their products.  https://www.doterra.com/US/en/wellness-topics-calming-anxious-feelings. When possible, it is best to find a professional to check. For me, I have not been able to find a holistic physician near me. My primary has not said I could not pursue oils; he has commented that there is not enough research available. I will try using lavender in my diffuser during the day and on a necklace, the Balance mix that doTERRA offers, and see if that helps decrease the time I spend cycling through my anxious thoughts. Life, in general, has gone well.

I have found a balance in my sixty hours of work and not harassing my daughter about her current poor life choices. I have faith that she will succeed in her life. She is just making choices that will delay that. But at eighteen, she is responsible for her future. A problematic week not to push when all I see is the worst-case scenario of her living in the street all her life. She has no motivation and feels that everything is fine. She gets nasty when I ask after her assignments to know how to document her school hours. Hmm, I cannot live her life guide when she has questions; back to my week.

I will put this week as a success; my work hours have maintained—housework taken care of and without anger that I do not receive any help. Anxiety was there but could work my way through my attacks may have taken some time but managed and only caused some exhaustion. Life’s journey filled with potholes but manageable get out of after some time, filling in either with sand or rocks that shift. 

I did not get to post last week due to a lack of motivation, and I have little to add these weeks. They merged and considered moving this to a monthly review allowing me to concentrate on blogging on observations.  

Last two weeks of September

Exhaustion and anxiety have been my shadow during this time. Unsure where to go because this seems to be a constant after the previous anxiety weeks. I got so little accomplished, and my depression is harder to manage. Medically this makes sense because anxiety and depression, unfortunately, go hand and hand. I am not getting anything done but work and the absolute bare minimum of house and family care.

Honestly, all I can look at is planning to keep to my plan for last week and see if this changes next month. Hold out hope for change, moving forward with my life goals, house, and family change. Have a thought. I may start using the DoTERRA Balance this week to see if that helps.

With reluctance, I am going to put these past weeks as a success. I have not called off work, and I am not sleeping all day.

Even though from the outside and inside my mind, I feel like a failure. With difficulty, September is a success. One may ask why? As mentioned prior, I did not call off, and my family has clean clothes to wear and clean dishes to eat from. Reason I had difficulty is I see what I’d not do most of all is not posting to blog out of fear. The anxiety of my fear bothers me that it is so controlling. So these last three weeks are a success.  

Ran across this from the Cleveland Orchestra shows what planning and determination can accomplish as the world changes around you. The norm is no longer possible. Meaning of Life and Goals needs evaluation and altered. We need to strive to not live in the past of prior pandemic. Move onto life during and after a pandemic.

CBS Sunday Morning – “Sunday Morning” Matinee: “Ode to Joy”

Faith Look

Below are the last three church messages from Pastor Shawn. For me, I find great peace of mind and heart that it is okay to struggle, question, and keep striving to improve one’s life. Most of all, the struggle is part of living in this world since time began. Life is not perfect; all we can strive for is living well.

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/6/2020

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/13/2020

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/20/2020

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/27/2020

Imitating an Ostrich

FeaturedImitating an Ostrich

Imagine an ostrich how we think that they hide from predators with their heads in the ground.  

 

Coming to find out that they usually crouch to camouflage with nature. 

National Geographic Information on Ostrich

With that in mind, for the benefit of my mental health and all of the current anxiety-inducing subjects.  Subjects that are anxiety and depression triggers are the loud conflicts of mask-wearing, pandemic facts versus opinions perceived as fact, election fact vs. fiction, politicians, race, right to protest versus rioting, etc.  I will continue to imitate an ostrich’s nature to camouflage myself from being part of the conflicts to protect my mental health.

I have touched base on this through past blogs, but as the weeks and months keep pushing on the fractured world we live.  The most recent is the latest Political and Black Lives Matter ads.  As a white person who strives not to see race, religion, color, or lifestyle choice, instead, treat the individual’s actions.  Since the end of May, I have struggled with the media telling me I am a horrible person because I am white; therefore, I’m privileged. 

Explained: White Privilege, Systemic Racism and Implicit Bias | NBC10 Philadelphia  · 7/6/2020

I struggle because judgments are made on many society segments, many based on economics; unfortunately, color is just more visual of a presentation. Still, clothes and street addresses also impact people’s impressions of who you are that may not be factual.

When I see ethnic and black people succeeding in life around me, additionally, the opposite end of the spectrum is those of all social, political, and racial range rioting, not just blacks.  We are a country of many options again; we need to find workable solutions for all, not just the loudest or violent voice.

Yes, I am blessed if I did not have anxiety. I do not have to worry about being stopped by the police just because of my skin color.  Of course, I still worry about being stopped with fear due to thoughts like did I stop slow enough, stay long enough at the stop sign, and any other illogical thoughts like that.  A person of color has many more views, at least from what I understand of different articles and YouTube videos.  Another example is people calling the police because they are just there or in Trayvon Martin’s situation just because he was walking home.    What keeps running through my mind is that the financial aspect keeps a large portion of our society down.  Yes, color is a part of it, but educating the diversity of learning styles. It is what we should concentrate on; as a society, determine how to inform the different learning styles equally.  For me, equal education is to bring back apprenticeships, skills testing in junior high and again yearly in high school, and counseling for all, not just those perceived as having problems.  Another aspect is to support those equally that are not college-bound and assist with finding training programs for their skill interests.  Also, arrange for junior and senior high school students to shadow their perceived career choice, so they genuinely see in a one week to one month time the nitty-gritty of working the field they say they want.  

Allowing all to make a personal choice to succeed at what they are comfortable working.  We all have different career/work goals.  A career to find internal success.  After many years of pain, I have accepted that even though it is not acceptable to the world, I am happiest as a retail person.  I have emotionally fought against striving for the world image of achieving an office job.  Truly happiest helping others and being on my feet and moving around in a supermarket, mall, or restaurant setting.  Twenty plus years of putting myself down that I was not a success by not scribing a ‘career.’ When I had one, it just did not look like one accepted by a large percentage of society. 

Earlier I did mention finances.  I do not feel that increasing the minimum wage is the way to go but looking at corporate waste and determining why our prices of goods are so high.  Another aspect is teaching realistic budgeting in the classroom and teaching want versus need and how to achieve that within a budget, not instant purchasing.  Where does this leave me with planning to imitate an ostrich?

With that mentioned, I want to be aware of the world’s topics around me for my mental health and work on watching some real news.  Local, national, and international in small doses and ones that strive to be neutral in presentation (Yes, you may laugh at me.).  Currently, finding a smattering of channels will allow me to hear or read the basics of what is going on.  It is difficult to find media outlets that concentrate on equal reporting, not bipartisan reporting, that is a large portion of reporting.  Another is just trying to find peace with much of what is causing chaos and immature reactions.  Just again, trying to find a balance of what is informative but not too harmful and emotionally destructive to my anxiety and depression.

May this find everyone well.  I just wanted to show that you may not be alone being overwhelmed with our current world topics.  Stay safe in this time of change. I strive to live with the understanding that life is not returning as we are familiar.   Accepting and determining how to live in this new era will see us succeed in accepting our unique experience.

I came across this TED Talks by Chris Coward Interesting piece about misinformation and our responsibility to listen or forward information.  Found this helpful.

TEDx Talks – Unmasking Misinformation | Chris Coward | TEDxSnoIsleLibraries

Channels I have been watching and some of their most recent uploads

CBS This Morning – Media mogul Tyler Perry on “Camp Quarantine” production and helping others – I enjoy watching these for showing that okay we have a problem, let us find a workaround.

BBC News – All children back in school by September in England pledges government – Watch BBC, I understand due to language also it is interesting to see how another country sees how they are handling the situation taking place. They are also just as confused as the US, but they presented differently and decreased negativity and finger-pointing.

News 5 Cleveland – Summit County Public Health strongly recommends K-12 schools reopen with remote learning – Usually, News 5 Cleveland due most times shows the information with a limit on the negative finger-pointing and often presents the facts with specialists giving the information.

The Ohio Channel – Ohio Governor Mike DeWine – COVID-19 Update / August 13, 2020  – when possible, I try to watch this to get the basics of information from the Governor to know what is sent out to our local policyholders and decision-makers.

Side note, as you can tell by some of the dates, I have been struggling with whether to put this one up. Essential that it is okay to find a comfort zone living in this changing new world. I feel we will not be fully returning to what was.  

2 Week Review 8 & 9/2020

Featured2 Week Review 8 & 9/2020

Just something to think about as you go forward on this day forward from CBS Sunday Morning.

CBS Sunday Morning – Smile Behind the mask

Prep note combined two weeks; my struggles with my mental health has not changed much.

Week Review 8/25-28/2020

Physically had a decent week. Emotionally has brought up plethoras of struggles. Am I doing the right thing by working sixty hours? Why do I feel more value working outside of the home than providing care for my family? What is my place in life? Why do I push myself? These are the thoughts on my mind.

The first question is, am I doing the right thing working sixty hours? Took on what was to be fifteen to twenty hours a week, as mentioned before, has turned into thirty to thirty-five—these extended hours due to lack of employees. Where my mind keeps going is I enjoy what I am doing—interacting with all the individual personalities, even the cranky, nasty ones. Trying to be a smiling face in a sea of tiredness of all the struggles between the top News Topics. Retail also has fewer anxiety triggers by pleasing people in short bursts. That is the thirty plus hours of retail; what about the thirty-one on one.

Home care work is not as anxiety trigger low as retail but does bring joy, providing care for someone who can only minimal ministration for themselves. Doing personal care, home care, and errands for an individual brings some peace that I am helping someone. I am struggling with that if someone I trusted were able to step forward to care for this individual, I would step away from home care. It makes me feel like a horrible person; the family is fantastic and beautiful and wonderful to care for. Selfishly although this aspect of care is something I am not genuinely comfortable. My anxiety does work in me—any ache, pain, infection, or problem I take on as my fault. The individual continually tells me that I am not at fault; her serious health needs cause illnesses. I struggle not to take that on. Does this make me a horrible person that providing care to someone in need is not as meaningful to me as ringing groceries to a constant rotation of individuals?

This week has been weighing on my mind. Physically I will continue, and emotionally I will continue. Over my days of contemplation and reinforced by Sunday’s sermon, I am where I asked to be. Retail feeds me emotionally and allows me also to find spots in my anxiety to work. Caring for the individual gives peace to a family having a person willing to come every assigned time and not call off. An excellent simple thing but home health care has extensive call-offs leaving some individuals left in their beds or wheelchairs because they cannot get themselves up physically. How I met the person I currently care for: her evening aide called off a half-hour before she was due to go to bed, and I was available. Accepting that for both jobs is the right thing right now in regards to finances and emotionally. Where does this leave with my family requirements?

Family care is a whole other crisis; why do I not feel any emotional support or physical support from my husband and eighteen-year-old daughter? Positive aspects my husband cooks for himself. Does my daughter still ask what I am making for dinner? Yes, even though I only have two hours between my two jobs and I still have laundry, dishes, budget care, and grocery shopping. I am keeping my internal anger at this lack of physical support. No one is stepping up to clean or other care items. I do not even know why I am looking for this; I have never had it before. Physical and emotional support is not something either my husband and daughter can; they only see there needs. I celebrate the moments when my daughter asks me what she can do as I bring in groceries, and she puts them away. She empties the dishwasher within an hour of me asking. So I guess I Place myself as accepting the limitations of my family and emotionally pursue rewards outside of the house. 

An additional component of working so much is my daughter is in her last year of high school and is not motivated to graduate; she is probably not going to unless she truly realizes her mistake. I tend to hover, which makes her work less. Not being home keeps me from harassing her about her assignments, her words, not mine. For me, this will be the most challenging year to accept that she may fail by her own choices, and there is nothing I can do outside of doing the work for her, which is wrong. So hard mental health-wise, to know that she is so amazingly talented but has no drive to work outside her comfort zone and strive to suck it up and finish school and move onto what she enjoys and make a life that supports her. Where do I go from here?

On my weekly review of success or failure, I have accepted that I will place this week as a success. The anxiety is there but with difficulty, but successful habits could keep it to the background instead of the overwhelming front incenter feeling of failure.

Enjoy the journey of life as you see fit to live it, not someone else’s perception.

Thank you

Faith thoughts about keeping working on one’s goals; I have found them meaningful. What I enjoy is that Pastor uses scripture as an example that our life struggles have been around since time began. As people, we are not alone in having support and standards of living life well.  

Hope Church – August 30 Service – 9 am

Week Review 8/31 to 9/5

A repeat of last week’s mental health struggle is the same. Balancing between living life as if there are no adverse mental health thoughts when interacting with those around me. Internally the battle of what we are is unsound thoughts, and shifting them to a positive is such a struggle. I talked with a friend when I communicated my work thoughts from last week. She did not get what I was striving to share, which briefly made me feel like failing. Then I realized I was trying to fit her perception, not what and how I live and succeed with my anxiety. As with last week, I consider this week a success. I have not called off either work, and my family home is still standing, and the basics are handled.

Faith input but some truths even if one does not follow a religion. Found this week’s Sunday message, just a great reminder that even the church, even in the beginning, had arguments or differences of opinions. So seeing the conflict of belief in people’s statements and interpretation of facts are argued then and now. As individuals, we must strive to work as individuals toward decisions that benefit those around us for safety and well being. 

Hope Church September 6 – 9 am