2 Week Review 8 & 9/2020

2 Week Review 8 & 9/2020

Just something to think about as you go forward on this day forward from CBS Sunday Morning.

CBS Sunday Morning – Smile Behind the mask

Prep note combined two weeks; my struggles with my mental health has not changed much.

Week Review 8/25-28/2020

Physically had a decent week. Emotionally has brought up plethoras of struggles. Am I doing the right thing by working sixty hours? Why do I feel more value working outside of the home than providing care for my family? What is my place in life? Why do I push myself? These are the thoughts on my mind.

The first question is, am I doing the right thing working sixty hours? Took on what was to be fifteen to twenty hours a week, as mentioned before, has turned into thirty to thirty-five—these extended hours due to lack of employees. Where my mind keeps going is I enjoy what I am doing—interacting with all the individual personalities, even the cranky, nasty ones. Trying to be a smiling face in a sea of tiredness of all the struggles between the top News Topics. Retail also has fewer anxiety triggers by pleasing people in short bursts. That is the thirty plus hours of retail; what about the thirty-one on one.

Home care work is not as anxiety trigger low as retail but does bring joy, providing care for someone who can only minimal ministration for themselves. Doing personal care, home care, and errands for an individual brings some peace that I am helping someone. I am struggling with that if someone I trusted were able to step forward to care for this individual, I would step away from home care. It makes me feel like a horrible person; the family is fantastic and beautiful and wonderful to care for. Selfishly although this aspect of care is something I am not genuinely comfortable. My anxiety does work in me—any ache, pain, infection, or problem I take on as my fault. The individual continually tells me that I am not at fault; her serious health needs cause illnesses. I struggle not to take that on. Does this make me a horrible person that providing care to someone in need is not as meaningful to me as ringing groceries to a constant rotation of individuals?

This week has been weighing on my mind. Physically I will continue, and emotionally I will continue. Over my days of contemplation and reinforced by Sunday’s sermon, I am where I asked to be. Retail feeds me emotionally and allows me also to find spots in my anxiety to work. Caring for the individual gives peace to a family having a person willing to come every assigned time and not call off. An excellent simple thing but home health care has extensive call-offs leaving some individuals left in their beds or wheelchairs because they cannot get themselves up physically. How I met the person I currently care for: her evening aide called off a half-hour before she was due to go to bed, and I was available. Accepting that for both jobs is the right thing right now in regards to finances and emotionally. Where does this leave with my family requirements?

Family care is a whole other crisis; why do I not feel any emotional support or physical support from my husband and eighteen-year-old daughter? Positive aspects my husband cooks for himself. Does my daughter still ask what I am making for dinner? Yes, even though I only have two hours between my two jobs and I still have laundry, dishes, budget care, and grocery shopping. I am keeping my internal anger at this lack of physical support. No one is stepping up to clean or other care items. I do not even know why I am looking for this; I have never had it before. Physical and emotional support is not something either my husband and daughter can; they only see there needs. I celebrate the moments when my daughter asks me what she can do as I bring in groceries, and she puts them away. She empties the dishwasher within an hour of me asking. So I guess I Place myself as accepting the limitations of my family and emotionally pursue rewards outside of the house. 

An additional component of working so much is my daughter is in her last year of high school and is not motivated to graduate; she is probably not going to unless she truly realizes her mistake. I tend to hover, which makes her work less. Not being home keeps me from harassing her about her assignments, her words, not mine. For me, this will be the most challenging year to accept that she may fail by her own choices, and there is nothing I can do outside of doing the work for her, which is wrong. So hard mental health-wise, to know that she is so amazingly talented but has no drive to work outside her comfort zone and strive to suck it up and finish school and move onto what she enjoys and make a life that supports her. Where do I go from here?

On my weekly review of success or failure, I have accepted that I will place this week as a success. The anxiety is there but with difficulty, but successful habits could keep it to the background instead of the overwhelming front incenter feeling of failure.

Enjoy the journey of life as you see fit to live it, not someone else’s perception.

Thank you

Faith thoughts about keeping working on one’s goals; I have found them meaningful. What I enjoy is that Pastor uses scripture as an example that our life struggles have been around since time began. As people, we are not alone in having support and standards of living life well.  

Hope Church – August 30 Service – 9 am

Week Review 8/31 to 9/5

A repeat of last week’s mental health struggle is the same. Balancing between living life as if there are no adverse mental health thoughts when interacting with those around me. Internally the battle of what we are is unsound thoughts, and shifting them to a positive is such a struggle. I talked with a friend when I communicated my work thoughts from last week. She did not get what I was striving to share, which briefly made me feel like failing. Then I realized I was trying to fit her perception, not what and how I live and succeed with my anxiety. As with last week, I consider this week a success. I have not called off either work, and my family home is still standing, and the basics are handled.

Faith input but some truths even if one does not follow a religion. Found this week’s Sunday message, just a great reminder that even the church, even in the beginning, had arguments or differences of opinions. So seeing the conflict of belief in people’s statements and interpretation of facts are argued then and now. As individuals, we must strive to work as individuals toward decisions that benefit those around us for safety and well being. 

Hope Church September 6 – 9 am

Weekly Review 7/27-31-2020

Weekly Review 7/27-31-2020

Hmm was unsure if I was going to review this past week. The depression slump I have been in does not seem to have eased up. I want this feeling of living in a fog of distraction and feeling tired. So with tentative thought, list this as a good week.  

Good because I have been able to maintain care for the family. Not as much creativity as I would like, but I think that may have to because the Anxiety review that I was working on has hit some aspects of my life that have made a daily living with my depression a challenge. Additionally, weighing to return to retail work while still working as a home health aide has been an intricate decision to make to who I am and caring for my other responsibilities.  

Some would ask why I want to return to such a menial low paying and disrespected work when I am doing so much work by working in the medical field. It has taken me years to accept and even now have difficulty accepting. I enjoy serving others in an anonymous capacity. Serving in retail is different. I am helping others. Giving this help is simple to some, but without the legal and emotional heartache, that other industries bring. I could move from serving in retail to serving in the psychology field. But the problem with that is that the paperwork not helping people is emotionally destructive to me. I like to keep moving physically; I die inside sitting at a desk filling out notes and questionnaires, instead of sitting and speaking to people and seeing their successes in life.  

Thoughts in mind, it took some time to understand that my spike in anxiety and depression was induced by over the last three months of who and where I was the happiest working. Having enjoyment through working as a home health aide is terrific in a service aspect. In my situation, genuinely blessed because I have just one client and company that accepts that is all I want. My thoughts and prayers go to those that need to go to multiple clients. But I am in one spot with one face, and over the months, I have missed the daily interaction of total strangers and the regulars. I missed being stopped and asked a question of where something is. What was a struggle was that to return to retail is going back to being embarrassed about what I find enjoyment in that provides money to pursue my goal of paying off my school debt. Total remodel of our home so my husband I can safely stay there to the end. Where does this leave me this week on mine?. The absolute scale of success or failure?

For the personal pursuit of success or failure, this week was a success emotionally. Accepting that it is okay to work retail, this is what brings me joy. This joy even though I am on my feet for 5-8 hours and dealing with people who are cranky with no filter. Imagine facing the people that post negative or odd opinions on social media on an hourly basis, with the attitude that you did not move fast enough. Even when it is there turn, they want the same care of detail that you gave the customer before them. Yes, there are those in retail that should not be there as workers, but all industries, have people that do not work well. That is the life of employment; some preform the minimum of work and maximum of work. Where am I at home, thou?

Succes on the physical aspect I am still struggling with, but I am improving on accepting limitations. Again eighty to ninety degrees with no central air or window boxes just fans are draining, and I did not realize how much. Writing those words helps, but I still place myself at a standard I should be doing better. Success is repetitious because I am not going further into depression over the subject that my physical projects have stagnated. Hopefully, the meteorologists are correct, and my area is moving toward a cool down so I can go back to my downsizing and cleaning.

May this week find everyone well during this time of chaos on the world, national, and local stage of opinions. Exterior chaos does not mean we cannot still keep working on finding where we fit in the world that leaves us emotionally and spiritually at peace with our place.

Follow up from last week and Athletic Greens. I love it; I take it additional to my vitamin routine. Currently, once in the morning around 6 am, feel energized and clear-headed during the morning. I do dip in the early mid-afternoon, so I will monitor if that is food or mineral interaction. Given my medical deficits, I feel great after taking the Athletic Greens, assisting with energy, edema, and mild headaches. From what I can determine for me, it does not impact my depression and anxiety, maybe positively, because I could add walking and add ten more work hours to a twenty-four-hour workweek of employment that is physically demanding. The web page does market toward the sport and exercises culture, which I am none of these just the exact opposite.

https://athleticgreens.com/

May this day find everyone well. I look forward to striving to posting daily and finding my place again with an expanded work schedule and life observations.

Planning who needs planning?

Planning, Moving Forward, or Stagnating?

The week has started positively. I had a plan; pulled out a Daily list I created several years ago. My Daily Lists are so I do not forget what I feel is needed and not get distracted. Some may find it silly or extensive. For me, I have always had records of one sort, either too long, detailed, or short. Started them ages ago so everything could get done in a day. I get distracted as I go about my day or feel as I have forgotten something, lists allow me to stay on target and not get distracted by something new that I see need doing and how long of a break I can do in between each task. At least that is the plan, but unlike the A-team and Hanibal Smith, my ideas very rarely come together Hannibal: “I love it when a plan comes together!”.

Examples of distractions caused by the over-thinking mind; a simple manner, a couple of months ago, I saw several smudges on the bathroom mirror at 6 am and proceeded to clean it, in turn, waking my husband. He had two more hours before he needed to be up for work. Realistically the glass could have waited to a better time in the morning, but I felt compelled to clean it. A great example is deep cleaning the kitchen counters and floors. I will go to put something away in the Pantry and then start pulling that apart or deep cleaning, which is an all-day project. Which in turn, my deep cleaning the counters and drawers never get finished. The last example is on the opposite end if I am feeling exhausted, allergies, severe headache, or depressed, my breaks never stop, and the day ends up wasted.

Monday (4/27) was a fantastic day was able to keep to my daily list but also added two items not planned. I started the set-up of my back patio. Additionally begun working on a room that needed partially emptied and re-arrange a room that works better for my husband, who will continue to work from home till June 8. Maybe even longer though Ohio has started opening corporate offices up as of May 4, with the caveat that those that can continue to work from home do so. My head does feel congested from working around outside and the dust from moving boxes out of the spare room. Feel successful, just tired. I finished the day with my job as a Home Health Aide helping an individual to bed.

I look forward to how the rest of the week goes.

Tuesday (4/28) is emotionally a struggle for energy and motivation. Early am worked 5 hours as a Home Health Aide. When arriving home, I was barely able to work on emptying the room that started yesterday. Got home at 12:15 pm from work; it is 2:15 pm right now and struggling with the thoughts that I am failing to accomplish anything. Now writing that I realize I am too hard on myself. It is okay to take a break before preparing for the rest of the day. Well, time to move forward choosing to put some books away and fold laundry; while listening to the OH Governor News Conference. Hopefully, This will help me by not sitting listening, and if I keep moving, I can accomplish more and not fall asleep or just read as I have in the past when I sit down mid-afternoon. I got the books done, but not the folding felt ache, headache, and tired, so I finished listening to the conference and cleaned up my email of junk mail. Previously I mentioned watching the news conference at dinner for some reason that did not seem to work, unsure why. Successfully shopped for burger supplies, grilled, and cleaned up. Still feel tired and distracted going to call Tuesday a success. I will see the progress made on Wednesday and see what successful routine I can build around my work schedule and the needs of the family home.

Wednesday (4/29) I am a little concerned about how productive today will be, slow start tired, headache, and ache. Groggy thinking it is because I took my insomnia medication took a 20-minute catnap while listening to someone reading scripture verses the tone is soothing (down below is the link). I do not feel as tired still have a slight headache. I am going to try moving forward with just a decongestant. Try to limit my aspirin, Tylenol, Advil use, in years past my headaches had me taking 8-10 Tylenol in one sitting only to dull the ache. Well going to try moving through my morning routine again, see if I can manage more. I am still tired and distracted. Fortunately, it is only mid-morning. I was going to try another catnap since I was able to accomplish several things. Struggling with not letting my anxiety and self-worth overpower the success I have had in thinking positively. Successfully moving forward, I took my husband, asking me to finish the project started on Monday. I am comfortable with what completed as always would love to have done more, but at least I did not stop like I usual. I finished the day with my job as a Home Health Aide helping an individual to bed.

I look forward to how the rest of the week goes.

Thursday (4/30) is emotionally a struggle for energy and motivation. Probably because I did not take my insomnia medication and woke at 1 am and 3:30 am. My early am work of 5 hours as a Home Health Aide was okay; I got home at 12:15 pm from work. Upon reaching home was extremely tired and the beginning of a migraine, so I chose to nap for an hour. Taking a nap is difficult emotionally; I always feel lazy and worthless for not being able to push forward as I used to. I did except that this was the right decision because I was able to get up work on some additional tasks around the house. For once am looking forward to how Friday proceeds.  

Friday (5/1) This day has gone well so far. I was able to accomplish sorting the boxes taken out of the spare room at the beginning of the week. I have successfully kept sorting and daily home care, which, for me, is excellent. I feel successful, which may seem small, but I am thrilled that I was able to maintain movement and not give in to my lethargy and headaches. We shall see how the weekend and next week comes may or may not be with as much detail, will depend I have asked to take on another 15 hours of work next week. So this will either help or hinder the progress I have made.

Stil an internal struggle I am used to 10 to 12 hour days that are 5 to 6 days a week, since the late ’80s. When for the last four years and more so the previous two years, I become exhausted quickly and fall asleep or lose track of time when I sit. Decreasing my work hours, tasks, and accomplishing so little pushes my anxiety and depression about my self worth and value to my family. Accepting these limitations continues to take time. It does not mean I will not keep trying new things to gain back at least half my energy back. Working toward a better method of still caring for the family, blessed with using the current power and emotional structure I have currently in case I am unable to return to my previous level of energy. Plan for the worst and celebrate personal perfect.

So to wrap up this week, I am comfortable with what I have been able to accomplish, and my anxiety and depression have been at a positive level with only some minor dips, which is excellent. To round out the last five days on a funny note in this time of COVID-19 stay at home I ran across YouTube song Quartine Song (Epic Parody) by Peter Hollens, for me, this struck my funny bone. Enjoy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjpvTQisBng

For the future, I have a variety of ideas hoping to work toward, depending on how my anxiety lets me. One, I am thinking of putting my blog to YouTube, just a reading of what I wrote to help those that find reading difficult. Two, I have some phrases that I may turn into t-shirts or mugs. Three, I used to enjoy reading scripture or books that match my life questions, and struggles might return to that and post on a separate page. The scripture on a separate page will allow those who want to read do so but not offend those who are not comfortable with that.   Four, allowing comments to be left on my posts. Just not there yet.

Prayerfully everyone is well during this time of challenge, struggles, questions, success, and just finding who we are and being at peace with what our mind and experiences will shape us to be.

Reference

The A-Team (TV Series 1983–1987) – IMDb, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084967

Jan 23, 1983 · A significant discovery for “The A-Team” was Dwight Schultz, as ‘Howling Mad Murdock.’ A remarkably versatile actor, Schultz was adept at accents, physical humor, and rapid-fire one-liners, and his exchanges with Mr. T were funny without ever being demeaning.

Classic TV info, http://www.classictv.info/show/quotes.asp?show=16

4/28/2020 Ohio News Conference https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DF9q4eXF_I

Scriptures reading on YouTube find this voice soothing, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovgqsFEu9QE

3/25/2020 to 4/1/2020 Observations

Over the years, I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the future, and I may post that daily struggle from my perspective. Back on 3/25/2020, I concentrated on how I see the world around me during week two of COVID-19 stay at home request order here in Ohio. I much respect our Ohio leadership, and the lack of bipartisan outward media covered bickering. The 2 pm Live session has been instrumental in keeping calm and decreasing the anxiety that I could be feeling based on the future uncertainty of our current world. On the other hand, in watching the live sessions of our federal government, I am saddened, and I have to stop because they exacerbate the anxiety. After all, our elected politicians cannot work together and that it is all about their popularity or fiscal bottom line. I do appreciate that after a week, they were able to compromise somewhat so things can move forward even though if I read correctly from CNN payments may not be seen till May, of course, I usually read Time Magazine, New York Times or the Washington Post. (https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/stimulus-checks-senate-deal-includes-individual-payments-but-dont-expect-the-money-until-at-least-may/ar-BB11GLpv?ocid=bingtonews).  

Unsure why, where and how our political arena is so immature and unproductive, I am still in hope/prayer that this current medical/financial crisis will bring the best from people. However, in watching the live debates, that feeling is low.  

Home wise the need to stay home is not much of a shift. My husband and I rarely leave our house unless to work or to a maybe once a week trip grocery shopping. I have concluded though that my food shopping before COVID might label me a mini hoarder. Because except for ½ gallon of milk, we are just now considering leaving the house to fill in some pantry bald spots in regards to fresh items my husband enjoys.  Before anyone worries about the dynamic of our marriage I enjoy a wider variety of vegetables and to fill that need of variety I order my vegetables delivered on a bi-weekly basis from Perfectly Imperfect Produce https://www.perfectlyimperfectproduce.com/) for me this offers me a small variety so I am not buying large amounts that I end up throwing out.  I also like that they donate a portion to food shelters.

Anxiety and depression, I am concerned for others around me due to the shock and unable to meet up and talk it out as a group. Prayerfully they research and keep informed with the local news. For myself, I am still numb, unsure where and how to move forward, taking on some tasks I have ignored concerning deep cleaning, taken in small batches due to a list of physical health concerns. Motivation to move forward in looking for work from home is a question. Do I still pursue, or do I wait? Is it wrong looking for additional employment outside of caring for an individual person, four days a week for a couple of hours a day? One of many areas of thought my anxiety gets me in trouble, those never-ending thoughts that stop me from moving forward in life. For others, and even my husband, who goes and does it, where I waffle on what is the right decision. What if I mess up/fail, should I, and how will it impact others? As research shows, the anxiety moves into depression because I should be more durable than that, and I am so stupid for just going and doing.

So for today (3/25/2020), I have accomplished the daily basics and not much else, which is frustrating and sad because I have worried more about moving forward than doing. We shall see tomorrow if I can accomplish more.

Will you look at that!  A week has passed and my fear of failure out waded my desire to post/blog. This morning (4/1/2020) I read a Time article that expanded on the earlier CNN article about  May date for stimulus checks. The May dates were for the large segment of our society that does not have a bank account to have the payment sent to, and they need or choose to have their IRS check mailed every year. The article was ‘A Double Whammy.’ Those who Most Need the $1,200 Stimulus Checks May Wait for the Longest to Get Them—written by Abby Vesolis and Alana Abramson on March 31, 2020, https://time.com/5812750/stimulus-unbanked-checks-coronavirus/. For now, this is just a collaboration of my thoughts from March 25 to early am of April 1, 2020.  

Life will move forward as I strive to overcome my fears and I can expand and blog my thoughts and the daily struggle of not letting anxiety and depression conquer a life that can be well-lived.  Prayerfully see you soon on this journey of self-discovery of who I can be. 

Happy Mother’s Day?

Another year down and another year I contemplate the randomness and frustrated aspect of our society.  Mother’s Day is a day of revering and showing our love for Mom.  Over the week prior you get the famous question what are you doing for Mother’s Day?  For the week after what did you do for Mother’s Day?  Response I worked this year past years I have done yard work.  Then the response oh, you poor thing didn’t they take you out or wish you a Happy Mother’s Day, they should have.  Response nope not something we make a big deal about and try to leave it alone.  Yeah would I have liked to go out to eat yes but I can do that any day and do I want to eat with thousands of other people that are out doing the same thing, No.  Dining around large crowds of people that are tired and cranky because they do not want to be there and the children are misbehaving because they have been shifted out of their comfort zone does not make for a pleasant dining experience.

Does anyone stop to think that making a big deal of this day has repercussions for a wide variety of lives.  There’s women that have no children due to a wide variety of situations infertility, put up for adoption at an early age, lack of family, difficult relationships, self-centered family, never married, women in nursing home not visited, mom passed away, and many more.  People that financially cannot keep up with other’s spending on this day.  Another are mom’s that find this day stressful and wasteful having to please their direct mother’s expectations or their mother in-laws and their needs are trampled.  Most of all as a Mom should I not be respected and thanked throughout the year not just when the media reminds ‘you’ that you have a mother.  Unless you are a father with young kid’s the husband should not be required to do something for his wife that is what anniversaries are for to show thankfulness and love for each other this allows the husband to spend time with his mother.

Floral Department where I work is routinely busier day on Mother’s Day than Valentines.  But to do this they have to work twelve hour days for four days. Several of them are mom’s.  To put a perspective on the amount of people remembering Mother’s Day is staggering.  A second vehicle is rented and a department that normally has one to two staff daily had five to six staff for four days from 7 am to 10 pm.  All just to handle the work flow.

Here is my thought is instead of making a big deal of a made up day why don’t we thank our mom’s or help our mom’s in all they do daily.  If Mom likes flowers pick up one or two of her favorite on any old day and give them to her and say thank you.  Stop by her house or if still at home do a project that she daily does before she does or she asks you to.  Pop over and ask her to lunch or if she works make arrangements with her boss to take her to a long lunch on any of the three hundred sixty-four days of the year.  Mothers are always here let’s strive to respect and love as a constant not a once a year event.

So, what did you do this Mother’s Day? Opps, let’s try this again what are your ideas for randomly offering thanks to your Mom without prompting?

THANK YOU to all those that worked up to and during the chaos of Mother’s Day.