Moving forward, when the mind is clouded, my mental health concerns seem challenging and frustrating—writing in a point of severe agitation, distracted thinking, increased anxiety, and just plain lethargy. Questioning over the last several weeks, spending time again is this only an additional component of mourning, seasonal depression and light therapy, change in work responsibilities, or agitation at the world at large. As the world moves forward and I seem to be standing still, let’s review each component and see if I can find a resolution.

Warning this piece holds just a breakdown of how I am working through personal life components that agitate my anxiety and depression. Treatment pieces that one should not try without talking to a physician, psychologist, or research. Not sure if it will help anyone or not, but here it is, a dive down the rabbit hole that is my life with mental health.

Where oh where to start when my thoughts and emotions feel like a pinball machine. The quick and easy one is that my home health aide client’s mourning is pain full but slowly moving away to the right balance. Due to the nature of the individual’s illness and length of hospital stay, I also assisted in visiting the hospital’s person to say goodbye. Accepting that ending of a season of life and moving forward. Leaves that I think at a comfortable spot for me. Next on the spindle of these pinball thoughts.

Seasonal Depression, when looking over the list of symptoms, hits all the components I am living. The hard part for me is keeping moving forward and not throwing in the towel and sleeping or reading my day away; for me, I think that working the hours I do is also a component of running away. If I am exhausted from working, I cannot think clearly. Reading and work, I have noticed it is the component I am currently struggling with. My frivolous reading is overwhelming what little time I have in working sixty-hour weeks. Time is taken up with work or family responsibilities; please do not take that wrong working and reading is lovely whether for fun, research, or financial gain. My problem is that unless I set a timer when I read, hours will go by, and one I could not tell you what I read, and two, nothing was accomplished but me being late for an appointment or work. The only aspect that I have right now to work around my getting lost in thought is setting a half-hour timer for my reading “break” and paper to write down what I am working on and need. I also use ‘Alexa’ or my cell phone alarm app with labels of why before an appointment or work. Both have helped the labeled alarms more than ‘Alexa’ on getting to places. Another component I am trying, by my primary care doctor’s suggestion from a yearly well-check, is light therapy.  

I am using light therapy for two weeks now, unsure what to say due to it being less time than I prefer to say yay or nay that something works. Nevermind, I started using it just a week before. I usually have hormone spikes that increase my anxiety and agitation for a week. What I have so far are the first three days. Not much change sat in front of it around eight am for ten minutes as suggested. Day four and five noticed a little more energy and were able to add some more house projects to my time. I did see my one am wake up restarted. Last week I noticed an increase in agitation and anxiety toward other people and their actions, but I usually do this week. But I did see more of an increase in not being able to manage it.  

Anxiety and agitation toward others’ idiosyncrasies I strive to understand that we are all different and will not agree. Last week was atrocious in my having an even keel when being around others, which is hilarious when you consider I work retail for half my employment. The anxiety impacts me though approved to be trained for a higher position in the store, the person training me decided to shift my training to another individual. Which has hit my self worth and has the company changed their mind, and does the other individual find me too difficult to train or not worth training. It takes me time to talk myself down from that, mostly when I see this first ‘trainer’ hovering and supporting someone else that has had weeks of training. My non-anxiety and rational mind visit briefly remind me that this trainer is twenty years younger than me and could be scared by my twenty plus years of retail management experience. I do not follow around like a puppy; I ask questions and then do my work. Anxiety comes into play as she is not always truthful and what she is telling the store manager. Fortunately, I can balance all this out. I have a co-worker that said the same thing happened to her, and I copied her procedure notes, so I have something to work with when I get thrown into the deep end. UGH, I know in my heart and mind this is normal; it has happened before.

Trying to balance reality, anxiety, depression, and just plain life is so draining and frustrating.  

Nevermind, I have not honestly sat down and watched the news, except to check the weather and, as I like to say, make sure the world has not exploded. I indeed tried, but I am struggling with wanting to be a good citizen of the United States and be aware of its decisions. On the other hand, I am anxious and scared with all the government finger-pointing like kindergarteners who are at fault. Also, what I have read is some of the discussions or bills passed that will impact citizens negatively with loss of jobs and benefits. Nevermind, the headlines never read the same, and the facts keep changing. What happened to research before submitting for readership. For the last two months but specifically the last week, I have just been reading a subscription to Morning Brew, emailed to me, and I find it just straightforward information and as bi-partisan as the world can be right now. If interested, after reading the previous attached link, you are welcome to follow this link to subscribe to the Morning Brew subscription link. (FYI – This link does mean I get points for referring.)

So for the of life has not fully resettled, I am okay, just struggling like all of us. The success is to keep moving forward and keep the marbles of vitality moving. Below are some videos that I have found over the last month that keeps me understanding that I am okay. Anxiety and depression are part of my life. I live that is a success and keep moving forward.

Adam Savage had a question and answer that helped remind me that I am responsible for choosing to live and think of my mental health as an individual, not as a comparison to others. I can change it to a tool of positive or negative. Some days are a struggle, but if we keep striving to find what works to keep the ping pong machine of life moving. 

Adam Savage’s Tested – “Is ADHD a Positive or Negative for Makers?” 1/31/2021

Found this song from Dolly Parton during January that has helped remind me to keep moving forward even when I want to give up. As an individual, I contribute to this world even though no one may see it, but the God who created it does. Also that I am who I am, not someone else. But it is good to remember we do not all look or live life the same. We are here to help others be that simple or big, and it is our choice as individuals to live life as successfully as we can.

Dolly Parton – Shine On 1/24/2019

Side Note: 

It has taken me two additional weeks to get this up since I wrote initially and a slight update on the Luxe Lamp for seasonal moods. I shifted to 30 minutes first thing in the morning to read my bible or sit quietly. This time change because of a suggestion from my Fit Bit membership about good sleep patterns. They also suggest no screen time a half hour before bed I have been unable to do that. I am currently two weeks not waking at one to two am, which is excellent; I feel groggy throughout the day, unsure if my body is adjusting to a full six to seven hours asleep after three to five in twenty plus years. Life is ever-changing goals are to push forward even there are obstacles.

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