Seasonal Mental Health contemplation during the winter and holidays. Unsure where I am right now, except to present my perspective and life journey. Have not posted my previous November and December Health Reviews will probably add them to this post’s end. My seasonal depression realistically hit probably mid-November because it has been a struggle not to wallow in the pothole of life I find myself in. They are not clean and easy to understand but felt it is vital to present life is not perfect, and it is okay to have bad days that sometimes move into months. The real test of our life do we keep moving on our journey of life even when we feel trapped in quicksand. I am on this journey since the beginning of twenty-twenty-one seems so long even though it has been only eleven days. In retrospect, though, this journey has been since birth because our past and health make up our journey.
Unsure if these long eleven days are due to seasonal depression, current news, or my struggle with the holidays. The battle is that holidays have never held importance or grandeur for me once my grandparents passed respectively twenty-four years and then nineteen years ago. My anxiety stretches to have I destroyed my daughter by not emphasizing the holidays to give her memories as I have with my grandparents. But am I even in the right spot to reviews this? I am currently in tears as I write this, which means my mental health is severely low now. I am still writing and looking at where and what to change for the win column, and I have not gone back to bed to sleep the emotional pain away. Go to mental health or life; you will not destroy me.
Then I have the aspect of one of life loading things on for the last three months. As mentioned previously, I have worked sixty to seventy hours since September with no day off unless I get sick. Being in Home Health, we do lose our clients, and since mid-November, one of the people I care for admitted to the hospital for severe health issues that were at stage four, which means I need to take a side road on this journey of life of losing someone that had meaning in my life. So I am on this side path of life, but I still need to keep living and handling my other life responsibilities. Previously I mentioned concern over destroying my daughter’s view of the holidays with my lack of excitement or celebration.
Compounding the holidays’ mental crisis is I have had to accept my daughter is eighteen, and my ability to communicate and have her follow-through has come to an end. It is painful to see her make decisions that delay the wonderful life she could have financially provided for herself with her art. On a selfish level is accepting the phrase that I have failed her as a mom and making choices that will mean she will not graduate high school and has no life goals. It is so painful to hear, “I just want out of here (home).” Even though all of her emotional and physical needs were provided for minimal demands, all we ask of her is to empty the dishwasher and finish highschool. I am down to knocking on her door and hoping she answers because “I barge in.”. In my defense, when one does not answer, and I needed to communicate or ask what is happening with classwork. My potholes right now are many, and I am trying not to live in them but crawl out of them.
Crawling and patching in my current pothole is so hard during this time of seasonal depression. Moving and thinking are so hard when I feel like a Magpie; attracted by shiny things but are intelligent. So hard to accomplish anything when your mind skitter from one thing to another when even a to-do list has minimal help.
The video is a compilation of pictures and text; I found it informative but reinforced my feelings that I am like a magpie. I am intelligent in my common sense and easily distracted, but I hold and have my beauty even if I struggle to see that intelligence and beauty.
With that intelligence, I will keep fighting to live in this world that holds so much meaning around family and holidays. I do not understand and accept that my daughter must find her path. All I can do is communicate. I am here to assist when I can but will not carry her. It is okay to mimic a magpie when my mental health is severe. I am a fantastic human being crafted and live for Jesus Christ. My life journey is as an individual. My upbringing, social standing, culture, faith/religion, and mental health make my journey different. But if anything I post helps terrific, I chose to walk and write my story as an individual and not mimic or compare myself to others with a different history. I am currently reading an advance electronic copy of a fantastic book that comes out on January 26. When Don’t You Like Your Story: What if Your Worst Chapters Could Become Your Greatest Victories? It is a fantastic read and reminder at a perfect time that my journey will be different than another and that my physical and mental health is okay. Success to move forward even if that movement is either at the speed of a turtle or a rabbit. We, as individuals, will write our own stories that come with the good or the bad. We can not hit reset or rewind like a movie or tv show.
Travel this world as you see that can work with your mental health or physical health. The world may see either as limitations, but as an individual, you are the success that you make it to be, not the detractors that do not understand that it is impressive that you got to work or got up and did the laundry. Life is a successful journey that looks different to us all; what is essential is helping our fellow humans or sometimes just ourselves depending on where the need is. What is important is that you are still moving forward on this life journey, even if you may go on different paths. Remember, we can always go back and restart the trip or cut across to the main trail. Go live life well as you emotionally can.
Side Note: For those that have uploaded a moderation request I am not there yet to read and fix, but thank you. For you it maybe simple for me I just assume I am stupid that is why someone found a mistake. Just another pothole to repair and move past.
2020 Health Review (rough draft)
The personal mental health of 2020, as in other posts, was going to post a failure because the last two months had felt overwhelming when looked at from the lenses of negativity. But in striving to search for the positive through the veil of negativity. I can prissy acknowledging I feel kneaded to say 2020 was a success from a personal perspective.
I started and kept with my blogging the perspective of success even though my anxiety ran rampant that I wrote wrong. I observed and adapted my strengths instead of adapting and changing to my view of what I thought was wanted.
Accepting that I can not please everyone is a fantastic feeling that may or may not last, but it was beautiful to see myself take. I expanded and worked on other aspects of social media. I May not have uploaded all of it, but I at least sat down and tried.
Depression may have spiked in the last two months for various reasons, but 2020 was a fantastic success even though my current mental health wants me to list it as a failure.
Below is the rough draft of my November and December that I just struggled with posting, but I wanted to show even the rough draft of what was accomplished. Life is not perfect, but I made a reasonable effort to work with my mental health during this time of chaos and frustration.
November 2020 Health Review (rough draft)
Sorry for the delay in posting this. Anxiety hit hard at the beginning of December.
November has flown by, which seems to be a life trend as we pass August, unsure if it is the season I am in where I have a child in school or not. Something to ponder in the future. As mentioned in October was going to work more on finding a balance with my anxiety and depression without increasing my medication. Let us not keep anyone in suspense.
November mental healthwise went well. Do not get me wrong did have episodes of anxiety and depression, but what I call my talk-down phases did not go hours instead of days—still going to keep working on it. There needs to be an understanding of the undertow if mental health is always with us. How we live and thrive with these constraints is what makes us unique individuals. Some of what helped were becoming even more comfortable accepting the mental health lifestyle that I have excepted, which makes me feel good about myself and contribute to the local community. For me, I find peace with my work as a retail sales associate and home health aide. There negatives to both professions, but that is all occupations have something that is a problem. I find peace with that it is okay that in the eyes of much entry-level work is not considered a ‘career.’ Honestly, that is their concern, not mine. I, at the most time, accepted peace in supporting the needs of others. That is not to say that I will not have this, as it is an ongoing struggle because I have town myself down for the last twenty-plus years of working these jobs and accept that I will not contribute much to my household’s running my husband. An example of what I make with sixty plus hours in a month totals my husband paid in one pay period of two weeks—accepting that at least I am contributing to the running of our home. Working entry-level comes with our community’s perception of being uneducated. We can not leave these entry-level positions or find mental health peace in being in these positions. Another aspect of my health walk this month was essential oils.
Finding what works and does not for the last several years as I ebb and flow toward finding support pieces. Balance’s essential oils worked well personally; when I was home, I used six drops in my diffuser. When going into work, I used two to three drops on my wrist or a necklace. Unsure if this is having a placebo effect or it truly works. I Will test it in 2021 right now on the perceived stressful time of holiday 2020. I will take the placebo effect if that is what it is. Lavender was another aspect that I was working on much.
Lavender did not see much impact on my mental health when I washed my sheets and dried them. A mix of information for anxiety and sleep apnea since some available research does say sleep does help manage our mental health journey. I also started taking Doterra Serenity on the edge of my nose before using Ayr Saline Nasal Gel. (Side Note: Use the oil instead of the pills they offer just to my personal preference. Oil allows me to tweak and adjust as needed, and unsure how the drugs impact the other medicines I take.) Done before I put my full nose and mouth c-pap mask that I use for my sleep apnea. Still not seeing much change in my anxiety, but waking up around 2:30 am is still happening, but easier to fall back to sleep. I Will keep monitorings the oil use but maybe increasing my melatonin or Natra sleep. If I work on my sleep, that will also help with the anxiety and depression. Nutrition is another component that was to work.
Working on nutrition through November was a failure. Unsure if I went into without a set plan except looking at ‘help with mental health.’ Also, my sixty hours work week turned into seventy mid-month. So exhaustion was my friend this month with the holiday season’s hecticness and my work schedule not looking like it will end for a time. I am scraping working on changing nutrition and mental health till twenty-twenty-one. But during December, at least research and determine a goal or menu. Part of the problem is that I have no appetite to eat, so I do not get a migraine and severe upset stomach. Lack of desire has always been a problem, even though my weight does not show it. According to the U.S. government, I am obese. I ran across the following to see if I can plan around this and see what works and what does not. Yes, some of it has to do with Alzheimer’s disease, but it is a health information vehicle. Having worked in a locked unit in a Nursing Home for a year and a half, this is one of the most challenging diseases for an individual and family, so if I can improve my mental health and try avoiding Alzheimer’s, I am all for it.
Let me finish my November Review. This month was a success. I did finally complete and upload a YouTube view using the Review as a prompt. (Side Note: Here is the video as of 1/11/2020 have not uploaded it currently I cannot figure out how to do that hopefully will add it later.) It is not great, but everything is a work in progress. My success is not sitting here and pointing out every negative in the video and the fact that I found the strength in posting this. Warning: I did not dress it up and used my office background, which shows an eclectic background. Success is in doing and learning from the experience, and I have many items to tweak as the months and years move forward slowly.
May all things in life be a success, even if it is getting up in the morning and having breakfast. Keep striving success gauge is on the individual level, not the large group.
I did post this on Thanksgiving but figured I would show it again. I wanted to celebrate success in a company that took the 2020 COVID challenge to celebrate and adapted Holiday Tradition with safety instead of canceling. Congratulations, Macy’s and Verizon, all the people that participated and planned this event. Thank you.
Hope Church 11/1
God’s path is not always easy or straightforward. He has a plan even when it does not even meet what we think is our needs. A challenging approach as a believer needs the strength of God. Acts 19:23- the gospel was changing the world based on how God would like us to live for Him. Thought that came to mind this why it is hard for non-believers to understand life changes that a belief makes as they slowly ease away from those lifestyle choices that tempt or distract away from walking away from living for the world. Confirm you are living for God’s Way. I could not connect initially with the fish story. Did find the meaning when why it is easy to become distracted way from daily walking with God.
God is amazing in showing an understanding of living for God and how. Many examples from the Old Testament show examples of what we have now. I thought that our social media and nightlife, what I think of when the pastor is talking about the Artemis celebration.
Gospel is there to change what we gain and seek joy. Found the Old Testament mob’s description and put forth that it was similar to people toward believers sometimes. Reinforces that there are times to witness and speak of God and Salvation through belief in Christ’s sacrifice, but there are times that it is best to step back and wait. Some people may not be ready, and pushing and pushing can be detrimental to the delivery of Christ’s message of salvation and living life well. Maybe not on a worldly perception of a life well. Personally living life well is about comfort in self, humility, and caring for other’s needs.
Being on a path for God is different for everyone, but striving always to gain strength to keep going. Living with depression and anxiety makes this difficult someday to believe, but it is incredible when I hear and see the power God blesses me to have daily. Even if it is not where I want to be sometimes, it is so get up in the morning and have breakfast.
Live for Christ is a blessing, even if it is hard.
Hope Church – November 8
December 2020 Health Review (Rough Draft)
Have to say I was thinking of noting December as a failure. I accomplished what I perceive as nothing. When looking over the month, I had to acknowledge that it was a success even if my mind wanted to place it as a failure, it is not.
December, it was OK to feel successful. Daily life maintained an OK flow work went well even though it was still too many hours. I emotionally had to accept that one of my Home Health clients may go into Hospice, which many times means that I will no longer here on earth. That brings me great pain that has been difficult to work through while still maintain a normalized home and work balance. Successor failure was a struggle when life was looked at through an anxiety or depression lens.
My mind sees that I should have done more and not let the future passing of an aquatic. I know that is illogical. But have placed a high level of emotional height on me. With great struggle, I can see that as a success.
So there has not been much, at least to myself. All I can plan for is to continue understanding my depression and anxiety and develop a plan to improve how I look at things.