Review 5/18-22/2020

Another week has come and gone.  With that comes a sense of relief and frustration.  Feelings of stagnation and why bother are substantial on my mind.  My mind and body have positioned me at the bottom of a pothole on this journey of life.  With that acceptance come where to go from here.

Over the years, I have watched towns fill in and cover up potholes, but they show up worse than ever the next year.  Sometimes even a month later.  So as an individual resting at the bottom of my pothole.  Where do I go from here? Because wallowing between staying here accomplishing nothing or begin the slow process of excavation toward the repair.  Where am I physically and emotionally?  Unsure

In years past, wallowing has been the choice, would put me on the autopilot of normality.  The one where people are amazed that something is wrong.  When people ask you how you are doing, and you answer with something other than beautiful.  Autopilot is when the inside of your mind is just a grey cloud of nothing. Life is guided not by what is important to you, the individual, but what is essential to the people I come in contact with during one’s day.  They are my guideposts of what I accomplish, with no thought of how exhausted or overwhelmed I will become.  I was there at the beginning of the week and headed toward the weekend.

My autopilot times have lasted from weeks to years what I need to work on and have been this year.  Physically I am tired. I returned to falling asleep, sitting up at my desk around two o’clock in the afternoon, which shows that sleep apnea is impacting me more than I would like to admit.  With that, tiredness comes from the fact that I did finally start designing and uploading my creative designs, and the perfectionist in me keeps picking apart what I could have done differently.  Tiredness and feeling of apathy that has returned have stopped the downsizing and decluttering.  The clutter is from my past years of autopilot.  Well, I guess it is time to begin the real excavation, so I do not become comfortable in the bottom of my emotional and physical pothole.

Physical exhaustion repair is limited. I need to work from seven am to noon with some four-eight to nine pm shifts.  I can keep taking herbal sleeping aids that do partially work. I at least do not get up twice in the middle of the night, mostly, but I do not feel fully rested. I am seeing even after two weeks an impact through the exhaustion.  With the insomnia medication makes me feel groggy the next morning.  I did start viewing improvement in not falling asleep while sitting up midday when I had less AM hours and could take more of the insomnia medication.  Also, the long term projects, I had the clarity of thought and energy to move forward.  Another aspect I noticed was one of the freelancing projects I tried to qualify for I could not achieve due to I could not keep clear and concise thoughts.  Frustrating because I used to be very good with transcribing, and I currently struggle.  The excavation moving forward where to go from here?

Until the sleep study, I am minimal in my current options.  The herbal sleeping pill from Sunday to Friday night is not strong enough right now.  So shifting to more structured off and on herbal and medication may need to be tried.  In the evenings, I work till nine and arrive at seven am the next day I will take the herbal.  On days I am not working till nine, I will go to bed early and take the prescription medication.  Trying that may work, I do find on Saturday night when I can take the prescription and sleep till I wake up I am fully rested and clear-headed.  See how that goes this week.  Before people are concerned, the insomnia medication is as needed.  Prior there were eight prescriptions over the years seems this current one has worked without too many side effects.  Well, the pothole now has a foundation toward the substantial repair. Let’s excavate the next aspect of pothole creation and restoration.

Creativity and perfectionism that is a long and drawn-out task of repair.  Some of the shirt designs are not as crisp as I would like.  I have to remind myself that the drawing of the sloth was with a free art program and a mouse.  I tried to borrow my daughter’s drawing pad to work on my pictures and have crisper lines, but it did not work on my Macbook, which was three days of frustration and feelings of why can I not do anything right.  Followed by the phrases make sense to me, but will they to others.

Additionally, I have not marketed them fully through Facebook and other social media.  I feel like a failure because I am more worried about people’s comments than getting it out there, so people that do feel as I do have something that represents them.  The t-shirt about wearing a face mask is what has me frozen and worrying the most.  I think I will feel better if I create one designed for those that think it is unnecessary.  Well, that is the plan and repair of the first layer of material to complete this week’s pothole.  

The final layer of pothole repair toward the decluttering and downsizing the house will have to be a wait and see how accomplished.  I might return to it but grab one item as I go through a room and find a location for it—areas of choice Goodwill boxes, trash, and put away where it belongs.  The goal is to have more to go to Goodwill and dumpster then re-home in the house.  With that in mind, due diligence, this pothole cap will stay on for a couple of weeks or months.  A year would be fantastic, but my mental health would like to place me back in areas that reinforce the internal dialogue from growing up that I am a failure and can do nothing right.

So as I wrap up this week’s review of failure or success, let us see.  I have to say I was successful in that I did not dwell on my shortcomings this week, as long as I usually do.  I have reviewed and developed a workable plan to keep moving forward toward my goals.  So I feel like a failure due to not achieving more but will put this week in success because I did not allow my feelings of failure to overwhelm me to where I gave up.

May everyone have a great week as they move through this time of adjustment as the different countries around the World try to open up from COVID-19 standstill.  May those looking for work find something soon.  Those waiting for the plan or call to return safely are on everyone’s mind.  Have a peaceful and motivating week, even if that involves changing from pajamas to real clothes and take a walk around the neighborhood.

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