In September, my Anxiety and Depression spiked. With October, there is still a problem with my anxiety and depression, and striving not to increase meds, I tried essential oil, which I have done with not as much improvement as I would like. Was looking for a decrease in anxiety episode or length and found ease in managing an anxiety spike. November will pursue diet options and change up the oil amounts. Still had the internal dialogue of self-hatred. Oil wise just kept it at three drops in the diffuser for Balance in two drops for my wrist of Lavender. Not sure much about the Lavender. November Balance on wrist and diffuser. Lavender will be at night under my nose to see if that works. Where else to look?

I looked at sleep and thyroid. Unfortunately, thyroid numbers were standard, which took that aspect away, and according to the sleep specialist, my sleep is showing well. Neither has an answer for me why I am still sleepy and depressed. As I have over all of my life, I will keep journaling and reviewing my food, vitamin, and mineral intake to monitor food more than the other aspects. Some may point at my work schedule of 60 hours as a home health aide and retail sales associate. Maybe a contributing factor, but I had always worked sixty hours in one form or another up to two years ago when I went down to thirty hours of work as an on-call Home Health Aide for a friend and my exhaustion and migraines. I am so unsure if that is a valid option to change, never mind that this is not something I can modify just due to the financial needs and goals that I have for myself and my family. Thyroid thoughts hmm where to start?

Thyroid has been the bane of my existence since nineteen-eighties with an ongoing battle of a dis-content plan to expand on that but will probably not be extensive in my monthly synopsis. The only comment is that I have had better numbers success with combining the assigned medication and a herbal supplement from GNC. Unsure yet, I post the name because, according to the bottle, I am not supposed to take it if you have thyroid. The only downside is that I have more energy, and I have lost weight, and my numbers were balanced. My numbers have never been balanced before. Sleep Apnea. Oh, why does sleep have to be such a large component of functioning in lives we try to thrive in successfully?

Okay, so all the research says that 8-9 hours of sleep are necessary before the C-Pap machine. I have always slept 4-5 hours and felt sufficient in the morning. Depression and anxiety wise no different than now. Unless I take melatonin (1mg) and GNC HERBAL PLUS® NATRA SLEEP™, I sleep at five to six hours. I get seven if I am exhausted or have additional Reishi Elixir or chamomile tea. The few times I achieved eight to nine hours, I feel worse and have difficulty achieving clear functioning thought takes at least three hours to feel clear-headed. I am still trying to determine if it is worth changing what currently seems to work to achieve eight to nine when it makes things worse. Hmm, rambling thoughts aside, where to go from here?

This month has been a success. Anxiety and depression have been challenging but manageable. Thankful for the ability to keep functioning without impacting anyone around me at work or my family.

Faith Walk

Hope Church 10/4/2020 9 am

The sermon starts at 33:05; for anyone that did not want to go through the music, I find it relaxing. Challenges in life enjoyed the humor of his experience of the St. Andrews Golf Course. The dress code, rules, and expectations; how this looks in living life as a Christian in today’s world.

The quote he gave that struck home to me was, “Understanding what others value can give us an audience to share what they truly need to understand.” For me, the biggest take away was listening and striving to understand—the importance of listening and understanding and caring for a person’s need, not attacking. Appreciate the reminder to care for all, not to condemn, Acts 17:16-23.  How did we go away from helping others and striving to assist? Enjoy the Las Vegas story. The reminder is excellent to engage gently with ideas and communication with quiet without attack. As an individual, it is a personal desire to treat all equally, even if I disagree. Strive to go forth myself is to live this and not become agitated when I see others’ opposite. I can only control myself, not others, but my life can be an example, Colossians 4:2-6

Did also find the Myth of Epicureanism from Epicurus (341-270 B.C.), The Myth of Stoicism by Zeno the Cypriot (340-265 B.C.), The Myth of Polytheism by Euripides (480-406 B.C.); these Myths were exciting to see. They fit the multiple lifestyles of enjoyment and without morals, ethics, or rules; since the 1960s eye-opening, this underground battle of culture, lifestyle, and religion has been around since time began.

Hope Church 10/11/2020 9 am

Pastor Shawn talked about and continued the need to engage with the world around us with humility, gentleness, and God’s truth. He spoke on anxiety and fear of life around us and used an example from DL Moody’s life. A fear acrostic is False, Evidence, Appearing, Real. Also, we spoke of Paul going to Corinth from Acts 18, found the reminder about how we can live in this world, but as an individual does not mean we have to conform.  

Hope Church 10/18/2020 9 am

I began with hearing the Noel’s who are missionaries on sabbatical in America for a year. Reinforces the tremendous power of God and how diverse people that we care for and teach.  

Acts 18 reinforced the perception that God is a potter. By being a potter, He remodels our life through our experiences. As individuals, we are responsible for how we react to these changes to our lives, both good or bad. Do we accept and learn, help others, or do we respond in pain and anger? Our lives are a Work in progress, not at the speed we would like but at God’s timing. Briefly, Pastor does reference the hypocrisy of the past, present, and future religious, and the damage they do by searching out the meaning and living Faith in Christ. God will use all experiences to further introduce and live Faith in Christ and Living and represent Christ. A reminder that no one is perfect, even those we set on a pedestal, can fall from a beautiful path with God and present the failing as human and can negatively show a presentation of following Christ. We are individuals, both good and evil. We must search out God based on the Bible, not the examples of people that have made choices of the word, not faith in God.

Having the Holy Spirit in our lives is so comforting during the trials of life. I cling to this comfort during my intense moments of anxiety and depression. It is hard to see the beauty of Living for Christ in the pit of depression, but it seems to take the edge off and gives me a path to stumble back to a course of emotional Balance. Depression may not be gone but having the comfort to know that the Holy Spirit helps ease the pain of anxiety and depression. It is thriving daily to function in public without too much exterior presentation of my depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety do not disappear when you accept Christ as Lord and Savior. Still, it does give another layer of protection to survive another day as well as possible in the situation you currently live in. Christ is a teacher and a healer, but he uses the life experiences of believers. We are his tools to assist others that have lived a life of pain and struggle. At times we would prefer not to have the experiences. It is beautiful to help others understand the beauty of Christ even during times of negativity or struggle.

UGH, so which Pastor Shawn has asked about prayer life because that is an anxiety trigger. I feel like a failure in that aspect but understanding that is fixable and not as a crisis as my mind makes. Love the transparency of Pastor Shawn that just because we choose to be a believer, we are not perfect, and we all fail at times, and that is okay.


Galatians 6

Romans 5:8, 10:9

Hope Church October 25

Sacrificial Ministry of believers and doing this to deliver or witness Christ’s message; life is about making choices that either help or distract away from learning if and following God.

Breaking patterns of comfort that bring false comfort. For me, that is reading Fanfiction. For many, there is nothing wrong with fanfiction reading. For me, it takes hours away, I will sit, and hours bleed out without me realizing it. Reading Fiction is a method of mental running away that creates a sleepy feeling in me. For many years this an ongoing struggle. When I stop or shift it to a timed hour, so much more is accomplished in my life. 

Ephesus’ lifestyle seems like Spain with Siesta. Paul’s example of teaching and prayer during the siesta is what I want to strive for—replacing Fanfiction with learning more of God’s Word and caring for the home and family blessed having. What struck me was the reinforcement that knowing God’s Word is a lifestyle choice, and we must always strive to respect our Sunday teachings but strive to learn and grow, never-ending until our passing. I loved the duck’s story and how, as people, we mimic this methodology of living in comfort. Walking with God may not seem easy, but blessing us with that security of knowing that emotionally God supports us even with mental health may seem like it. Even in those moments of doubt of this support, God has always been with me. My mental health could be so much worse if I did not have God’s help.  

As Pastor mentioned, it may not look like one is following Christ. It is how you, as an individual, feel and able to witness others the joy of knowing Christ. It is not a cure-all but living well in God’s name.

Matthew 7:20-23 Lord Word is essential for knowing Him and not truly understanding the seriousness of striving to live for the Lord and keep struggling with the items of our lives that distract from learning and living for Christ.

Not sure if I can do this with Fanfiction has always been an aspect of my life that numb my mental and physical pain. Gave me the ability to ignore my physical and psychological health pain and not address and make changes. This struggle has been there for over fifteen years.


What makes it hard to leave some of our sins behind?

What are the consequences of this sin?

Response: deleted all my links and fanfiction updates. Have done this before and pick it back up when life gets too hard. Consequently I do not have the time to pursue other tasks in life.

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