I am returning to the topic of motivation, is a personally constant search. Motivating through exhaustion is difficult when integrated with mental and physical health needs. Let’s look at what the Oxford Dictionary has as a definition.
Motivation
[ˌmōdəˈvāSH(ə)n]
NOUN
the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.
Have the desire and willingness, just not the energy. Find me hip-deep in a lousy week. As Tuesday creeps toward Thursday to stop me from becoming overwhelmed by thoughts of being a failure are the priority. Striving to concentrate on following my daily list but prioritize it based on absolutely must-do tasks. The goal is so family, work, and house not impacted. For those that have read the past blog subjects, these exhaustion weeks are one of the reasons I created a daily printable list. I mentally spend so much time figuring out what is remarkable: so much time wasted that nothing gets done. With the record, I can check off what done highlight what is next after a break. Taken me years of off and on working on different lists some short and some too detailed. With the horrible days, I do one to two tasks than a twenty to thirty-minute break. Breaks being reading, writing, watching YouTube, sorting clutter, or catnap. My thoughts of failure usually are what makes me crash, and nothing accomplished. History sleeping either from a migraine or just lack of motivation and feelings of why bother I am a failure, and my husband and daughter are going to leave me because I am worthless.
Currently feeling that I am treading water, at least I am not sinking. Not much to give for suggestions but keep motivated to at least accomplish the basics. I did include a quote I found online that has helped me keep working on my home’s needs and not let my mental and physical health grind my life to a halt. My journey this week seems to be in a valley, but that does not mean I am not looking ahead to strive to go back up the hill of life. May this day find you well; none of us are alone in this mental and physical health; it just looks different as we all move through our lives.
To wrap this post up with something fun. Below is a fun song/video from Mercy Me that when I need something upbeat and reminder that I do not need to strive for perfection. Usually, play this in the background will doing something mind-numbing like folding laundry. Mind-numbing tasks typically are when I struggle with my self doubts the most. Video is silly, but enjoy how it shows the lack of perfection that we all are, and that’s okay. We can still live life with joy; it just looks different from person to person. Also, I have an evil streak and love to freak out, my teenager, when she walks in while I listen and start moving to the song.
In watching TV recently, I noticed the number of ads geared toward mental health medication content but also the increase. Struck me that they concentrate on describing the pros and cons of symptoms or act like a depressed person look pathetic. Below is an example of an ad from 2019, I have also seen the same company recently but different actors. The cons seem to outway the positives, which got me thinking about how I can improve my emotional place with a minimal amount of medication. Which is a balancing act of drugs, professionals, and lifestyle choices?
Striving to find a personal balance between personal lifestyle and medication. It has always been a journey I have been on since the late seventies. This journey has been beautiful, painful, and repetitious. There are aspects of my life that are success and failure. Failure comes in when I am riding high on my feelings of invincibility or filling my time with everything. Everything is keeping busy with things that I perceive the world, family, and acquaintances will view as my success. Pleasing others has always been my metric of success. Do I have a ‘real job’ are not all jobs real. Yes, they are real, but education, media, and some family place high expectations in words an actions. Expectations are corporate jobs, higher education, and top pay. There is a substantial aspect of our culture that cannot achieve that either through mental health, decisions made when young, cultural limitations, physical limitations, and personal motivation. The metric I saw I need to perform was Executive Secretary, Manager, or Supervisor in an office setting. All of those placed incredible stress that would impact my health. I am happier being a trainer or manager in the retail/service industry. Part of our culture does not look on retail or service industry as having a ‘real job.’ Finding a balance of emotional health and work success impacts the mental health journey.
The journey toward balance brings me back to marketing and the increase of medication ads and culture toward mental health. Do we have an increase in ads because our society is trying to show it is okay to have mental health needs? Another television media is seeking all revenue streams? Then again, why am I even concerned about this is just another aspect of our society and culture that agitates me.
Agitation comes from that the two questions go hand and hand because we are a world of individuals and corporate need/greed. Even though we are more open to mental health, the portion of our society and culture do not still understand that even with medication, our days are sometimes not our own. We still have good and bad days. Going to a professional is few in far between because of finances and insurance limitations. Finding a professional that works with who we are as an individual takes times as well. Journeying with mental health is a delicate balancing act of hills and valleys.
The journey of mental health assisted by medication, and monitoring the options through marketing presentations is probably not beneficial. Seeking out a professional is the better options available. A professional will know the ins and outs of the medications and you as a person. Celebrating that media is comfortable showing the drugs and the need for them. At this point, I choose to chuckle at the descriptions they give of symptoms to avoid. A sad chuckle that half the symptoms described are why I sought out medication in the first place.
Prayerfully, this finds everyone well. Just having introspective exhaustion filled beginning week. The review next Saturday will be interesting. Do intend in future weeks to moving back to journaling my food and lifestyle choices. It has worked for me before then when I felt better took on work that triggered a downward spiral. We shall see what this detour of my journey will bring.
I have included one of the medicine ads for context. Also, this one I find insulting, other people may not, but for me, just nails on a chalkboard.
Happy Mother’s Day? Another year has come around to the holiday that I have equal joy and frustration. Yes, Mother’s Day is not a holiday I call it that because it is a day that families, media, stores, and religions comment. So in my simplistic thinking, any day that a large entity concentrates on is a holiday. 2020 Mother’s Day will look different for many unsure if people prepared for the changes.
Past Mother’s Day being eleven years in a grocery store, the florist was extremely busy. When working as a waitress or cook in restaurants, Sunday was always busy. In the time of COVID-19 and physical distancing, what will this day look like for families? How are mothers who have children manage the change of no restaurants except take out and florists not having as much of their average amount of flowers available? Joy and frustration, I expect.
Observation of how those with joy-filled memories celebrate mom; that portion of our society (US) observe Mother’s Day will not as be as grand as in past years. No going out to eat. How many mothers are going to end up having just another day because they had to prepare the food for the ‘get together’ to celebrate Mom? Flowers How many are going to be able to afford flowers? Indeed in this time of change cannot Mother’s Day change?
Instead of spending money that may not have or spending will cause problems further down the road. What about thinking about all the beautiful things mom did for you through the years. Call or create a card memorializing some of the fantastic things she did for you. A simple example ran your lunch up to the school when you forgot. Mom took you to a concert even though you had not finished your tasks as asked. Maybe get in the habit of thanking Mom through the year for what she does out of love. She watched her grandkids even though she had plans to meet up with friends that day and canceled so you could work or have a date night. Let’s celebrate Mom’s without all the frills using words and simple actions is as organic, inexpensive, and mean more for some than all the money in the world you may not have. This day does bring frustration to some.
Frustration for me is how big our media and marketing make this day. I understand why it does. Still does nothing to alleviate my frustration. Let’s look at other aspects of our society and culture before we move into my example. There are families young and old that Mom has passed away. A woman that, by personal choice, biologically, or financially are not a Mom. There may be people that, in the past or present, have a mother that has made choices that negatively impact their children. Changing the cultural and corporate juggernaut that is Mother’s Day or even Father’s Day is not feasible. Just asking people to be compassionate of those you connected with that this day may not be the ‘celebration’ the media wants us to spend. This year especially the money and ability to celebrate the joy is not there. Make a phone call offer to listen. Zoom or Skype a coffee/tea time to sit in each other presence; if feeling needs to speak, the opportunity is there. From personal experience, this day frustrates me.
Why is there frustration? Oh, let us count the ways, nevermind not worth it; let us give a brief overview. My mother was one that expected Mother’s Day, but I have no examples of wow she is a mother. Heck, my grandparents gave me a mother’s day present several years in a row, because I had been taking care of my younger sister as a mother would. Another negative memory sleeping in the garage, so my mother could have someone over. Others nothing was ever right for her I was too fat, lazy, and was never going to make something of myself. My grandmother on my dad’s side was who I learned how being a mom was quite unassuming and always there to help others. Mother’s day was celebrated at her home, and she, with grandpa, cooked and cleaned after the meal. Mother’s day in our home is a quiet affair that I have accepted and have peace of heart. My husband’s upbringing places him with the thought that “You are not my mother. Why would I say or get you anything?”. With no prompting from my husband, my daughter does not acknowledge this day. I have taken my lessons from grammy, and I graciously take this day as a blessing I have family and friends and not expect anything but a couple Happy Mother’s Day on Facebook and church pastor saying something.
Another frustration is those that ask, “What are you are doing this Mother’s Day?” when I respond with “probably nothing as we do every year.” I feel judged that my life is lacking because my family does nothing as if I have done something wrong not to warrant my family, remembering me on this ‘important’ day. When I know, I do my husband is a fantastic financial provider but limits himself in what he assists with around the house. My daughter is a teenager with depression; do I need to expand on that scenario. So selfishly, I feel judged by the world around me.
So I am at peace with where I am culturally, and society may not be picture-perfect, but I am not a conformist. I find myself blessed that over the years, I have worked through my feelings, and this day no long triggers mental health attacks—Depression from why does my family not love me. I give so much I change who and what I do to fit their needs, not my own so often. What more do I need to accomplish to have them show me, love? Anxiety from what others will think. Do they think I abuse my family? Do they think my family abuses me? What is wrong with her that they do not give her Mother’s Day presents or meal? Taken years, but I am at peace, my family is who their life experiences have created. I am who my life experiences shaped as with the rest of the world, we each find positive reinforcement of joy from all aspects of life.
I will leave you with the history of Mother’s Day from the History Channel and two songs I enjoy listening to. Mandisa Overcomer and Dolly Parton – Eagle When She Flies videos. These videos remind me that we are all different life experiences and reactions. As individuals, it is okay to have weaknesses and strengths.
Mandisa – Overcomer
Dolly Parton – Eagle When She Flies (Official Video)
May this day find you well. May your emotional health be at peace with where you are now. We celebrate this day where we are not were media and culture says. As individuals, life will look different for each of us.
History channel’s information on the history of Mother’s Day
Again, may this day find you well, as an individual trying to decide how to live well emotionally.
Add on after posting, came across The Muppets: Happy Mother’s Day from Fozzie Bear and Ma Bear? Cute and light hearted, for those who have and can joy on this day. Made me chuckle mostly at .32 comment from Ma Bear.
Second add on since first posting this. I felt bad that I had forgotten the perspective of the Father’s out there striving to be Mom and Dad the best they can. Here is something simple for that.
Rory Feek singing about being a single (widowed) dad on Mother’s Day.
Past posts have been my perception of the success and failure of my time concerning the reality of living well with mental health and physical limitations. Last week offered an additional 15 hours of Home Health Aide work. Difficult decision to make taking the extra hours, due to the responsibilities I have at my own home, health, and family. When balanced against the exhaustion from anxiety/depression, sleep apnea, and other health concerns was unsure how that was going to go home wise.
By Wednesday, I was ready to throw in the towel and blog my perception of failure. Before starting this experiment of blogging/public journaling, that would be my thought process still is a little. That small amount of doubt never seems to leave me for long; this week’s reasoning behind thoughts of failure. Some of the home organization projects that I had been slowly integrating into my life has stopped. The timing of the everyday items that I had been working on had shifted, and the amount of effort put into them changed drastically. Again this is less than half of what I used to be able to accomplish in years past. As the days progressed, I could sense my building emotional cloud of failure, and why do I even bother trying. Another voice I kept hearing, “I am such a failure that I cannot accomplish ‘basics.’ I am a worthless mother, wife, and employee.” Then the thought struck me during my paten pending internal thought bubble. That is the me that I am always trying to shed. Given the ‘joys’ of mental health will be revisited, often.
With contemplation and review by Friday, I have decided that this week’s additional work hours were a successful integration of my health and home life. How I decided they were a success, not a failure as earlier thought was many. Physically I had to remember due to work hours; I could no longer take my insomnia medication. That means as the week progressed, my body was unable to get a proper amount of sleep outside three to four hours. The hours also impacted eating breakfast due to medication restrictions and took some time to adjust the medication, food intake, and leaving for work. Another component that any energy I would have just after work for the physical house tasks was limited in completion. The limitation was positive and negative; my teenage daughter has been falling behind in her classwork due to her depression. She finally had a positive week and was working on assignments and required testing. To positively reinforce her progress, I rewarded her with her favorite take out for lunch most of the week. Yes, I just spent the financial increase on take-out and reinforced comfort/reward eating. Can I call it a win that I supported my local business? (shrugs shoulder) So instead of cleaning, I was ordering food and running errands. In contemplation, this week is a success for me.
Success comes in many shapes and sizes from the perception of this struggling to live well individual—silly and real overview of reasons again. I was able to increase my contribution to my home financially. I can make donations to the local food bank, church, and WCRF radio station. Maintained the basics dishes and laundry; may not be on the schedule I would prefer, but they got done. Cleaning may not be the deep clean I prefer, but the basic got done. Able to add the filling and taking all of my medications and vitamins this week. My daughter had a great week. I still blogged and journaled during the week. So I will take this as a win for surviving mental and physical health limitations.
Live life to the fullest that you are emotionally and physically able to do. Came across this video compilation of our society and culture, the speaking was from a TED talk of Live Life to the Fullest by Steve Maraboli. Video in the background comes from a TED conference video made by Louie Schwartzberg. Collection created by YouTuber danoshow merged the speech, pictures, and music. Initially, I was not going to post this because I kept thinking that I could not live as he was describing. I was picturing my dream of acres of land and living off it. On the edge of the area, a bookstore/craft shop on the side of the property.
I may or may not reach that dream, but if I get up every morning to work toward that. That is a win because I am not letting my mental and physical health situation confine my living or dreaming—personal meaning of the compilation, the diversity of our society and culture around us as individuals. I have mentioned before living life to the fullest can even be getting up in the morning and eating breakfast. Not binge eating taking a walk instead, reading a book or scripture instead of sleeping the day away, having a fruit smoothie in the morning instead of ice cream, going into work instead of calling off or walking even if there are limitations such as holding onto a cane. Get up and strive to journey with your flaws, not let them hold you back. May mean redefining goals or even keep striving for them; you are the designer of your journey. Even when that journey is getting to the park bench with the perfect view that day, tomorrow is another day. Another day on the trip may see more done or just sitting on the park bench half-way to the original destination; an effort was made that is all that matters. Create your trip-tik (AAA), mapquest, or travel plan that works for you, health, and responsibilities.
Here are the videos first one is the compilation. Two and three are the original postings. All are motivating in their way.
Steve Maraboli – https://vimeo.com/107839708 Could not locate the TedTalk but did find it on Vimeo of a Q & A.
May next week be a success in whatever shape or form.
Below is my copy and past attempt at uplifting ideas and humour, sadly for some working on my humor is not on my evolving project lists (Sorry). Minion picture and motivation quote –
Love Minions I feel like they represent the service industry (retail, housekeeping, waitress, hairdresser, etc). We are the workers without the respect for the hard work that we do. Keep up the great work even without the public accolades. Society cannot live out us but do not know how to acknowledge that. Cannot count the times I have been asked, ‘When are you going to get a real job.’ ugh people can’t live with them or without them.
FYI – still not in a good spot anxiety wise for reading and responding to comments. But leaving the comments section open. Maybe I will jump off the anxiety cliff and begin reading them in the future. Please no one hold their breath because this is an aspect of life that is years old. I have to build myself up to just listen to voicemails or read email responses. So yeah no hope soon of me working on this path in my life journey.
References
AAA trip tik Definition, https://triptik.aaa.com/home/, With this complete road trip planner, you can also access AAA Travel Guides and Road Trips companion resources. Travel Guides provide in-depth destination information with links to articles, videos, travel tips, and more. Road Trips illustrated with maps and images nearly 500 worthwhile and scenic drives throughout North America, with a descriptive narrative for each leg and recommended things to see and do, including GEM attractions offering an excellent experience for members.
What is personal success? Generalized success is different depending on the culture, society, and experiences, which leads to a question. What does success mean to me?
Before, I start thinking about what personal success looks like to me in a past and future tense. Let’s look at one of those songs that, to me, represent dreaming about success, whether we are young or old. Without any delay, let us watch an iconic song about dreaming. “Rainbow Connection” from Kermit the Frog | The Muppets
This song struck a chord and reminded me of being a teen and young adult and what I thought a dream job and family were. That dream was acres of land that I worked and provided for my family and designed clothes, painted, and pottery. It is not where I am, how did I lose what made me happy or was my Rainbow Connection to the future, when I was young and where I am now. I was concerned that as I went forward with this thought, it would push at my anxiety and depression too hard.
On YouTube, I ran across two songs that will prayerfully remind me as I go through this writing exercise of personal review.
The song is ‘The Sound of Silence.’ Below are two versions because they are opposite ends of the singing style.
Simon and Garfunkel – The Sound of Silence (from The Concert in Central Park)
These two versions presented to me that striving to fit my perception of the world’s idea/definition of success is my past to learn. My history makes me and to learn and adapt to my perceived failure and real achievements. Instead of striving for acceptance of others. Is striving for what places me at peace and able to live successfully with my various health conditions and take care of those around me. Where I am is different from where I thought I would be. My rainbow connection was a dream, but as I grew, decisions made, due to depression and anxiety changed that connection.
Personal success is surprisingly a difficult thing to define for me. Even from a young age, the goals of life have always been set by those around me. The anxiety of not pleasing others would cripple me even still I am overthinking how others will perceive my actions. When looking back and doing a review of then and now, I do not see anything that I can honestly say is my idea. During High School I wanted to pursue clothes design, but my parents said I did not have the right background to succeed at it. My dad said, ‘I was from New Hampshire and did not have the background to fit the people of New York.’ So I just decided to leave that dream. I did a design and made my graduation dress. After I graduated, I went to business school for travel and tourism and worked full-time as a hostess, waitress, bartender, and closing manager. Went to the school that was expected; picked something that would allow me to travel the world and see amazing museums, the beauty of the world, and the food.
When I graduated, I never did anything with the degree. There was no openings at the time for entry-level, and my younger sister needed to live with me, so I got a full and part-time job to support us because she did not want to live with our mom. My mom did not give us anything financially to cover my sister’s expenses, and mom kept our dad’s social security death benefits. Went on for several years toward the end, our mom moved in with us also for several months before they moved to Tennessee. Even looking back on this, I struggle with why I even agreed to all this because I lived in emotional pain the whole time. All I saw was two people that were family that needed help. My sister chose to go back with mom because living with me had too many rules to protect her. After they left was freeing and overwhelming. I continued to be consumed by supporting others, which meant a variety of roommates over the years that was caustic emotionally and financially draining.
Another aspect of life that I took on was assisting my grandparents, who I loved dearly, and were the people who were there for me no matter what growing up and even when I moved away. I spent every weekend with my grandparents when my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer due to working as a carpenter and before people realized that asbestos was a dangerous working material. During this time, I lived only to offer care to my grandparent’s needs and paying my bills. After my grandfather’s passing, I took on the responsibility of my grandmother’s needs that grandpa had always done. I met my husband soon after my grandfather’s passing. So I have lived the last twenty-plus years living my life as I have prior, which is to make my career choices based on my husband’s ideas not through anything nefarious (evil) on his part (before anyone worries ).
I followed my husband’s suggestions because I genuinely did not have any goals that I saw I could do and provide financially to us as a couple, so I was contributing wherever I could get work as a secretary. When we had our daughter, those emotional goals shifted to care for her needs also. The only personal desire I had was to be a stay at home, mom, but my husband did not feel that was necessary and would not support that decision. Part of the employment shift was returning to the retail industry, which would allow me to be home during the day with her. As the years have progressed forward, I went to University for a Bachelor’s Degree, hoping to better myself to get a better job so my husband would be proud of me. He was never very supportive of me being in retail because he perceived me as a worker; I did not do much, and it was easy to work. For those that operate in retail, yes, he is still living, but he is part of our society that does not understand the emotional and physical toll we take as a retail worker.
I finished the degree that I thought would allow me to help more people, but I did not realize that the State of Ohio did not consider it an accredited school. This error by me reinforced my overall feeling of failure I felt as a mother, wife, student, and employee. Reinforced again, when I went searching for work that even though I had a degree due to my ten plus years in retail, I was not considered for positions because ‘I had no real work experience.’ Yes, that was communicated a couple of times, not by interviewers, but when I was trying to network a little bit more politely but still the same.
As time progresses, I am striving to find myself because I am exhausted from deciding my life based on what it means to please others. I feel comfortable moving forward due to my daughter graduating soon, and my husband has accepted me as he calls it ‘investing too much of myself in others.’ I think who I am is someone creative and likes to help others.
This minimal review of who, what, and where I am going with my life reinforces success is a kaleidoscope of options and people impacted by the choices made or experiences caused by others. Things for me to consider as I try to resolve my family, friend, volunteer needs, and balance my emotional needs. For some, this may seem selfish but living and making a decision based on others and rarely on my own. I have made decisions in years past based on a balance of the needs of others, even when it puts me emotionally on the edge of depression. I want to try gearing some of my decisions by flipping the norm of my emotional needs first then, husband, daughter, work, and volunteering. Hmm, where is the answer to ‘What is my definition of personal success?’
Long story short, I do not have an answer to that because I still feel like a failure. Finding my success from my perspective does not exist. I do not have a current definite answer. I want to make it a goal to define that truth but may take time to find a solution.
If I pull back the curtain of depression, I see a glimmer of success and a partial answer to the above question:
College Graduate achieved as a full-time employee, wife, and mom.
Married 22 years (lol he is still breathing even during this time of Stay at Home 2020)
Mom of a teen daughter that still sometimes will talk to me
Managed Depression and Anxiety (daily work in progress)
Enjoy volunteering
Pushed my social anxiety aside and started being creative in a public forum
Seeing past the curtain of anxiety and depression does show some success may not be where I wanted to be in my twenties. Even now, but do have some peace at where I am.
Short Term goals of working toward personal success maintain the above list and expand to include the creativity I had as a teen, support my daughter to become a writer and animator and support my husband to find where he is happy.
Long Term goals of personal success are helping others to see that mental health is okay to have, and mental health used as a motivator of positive change. Other purposes are to pay off our home and remodel to support us till we die, expand my Art to sell, and finish the book around my life and also where God fits in that life that I have worked on for the last ten years.
Book title idea: Journaling from the edge of anxiety and depression.
My concern about my anxiety and depression was there. This took a week to work on and I had some strong ups and downs but I count this a success because I was able to finish this and upload it. Dwelling on the mistakes of the past was actually positive in moving forward.
Thank you for reading and following this blog and keep reaching for the Rainbow Connection of your life. Reach for your dreams, and it is okay if they get reshaped by who you are; it is alright we are all malleable. We need to accept that change/repair is okay when we are crossing the bridge of success. Even bridges need repairs.
Side note comments are linked not sure if I am going to be able to read them. Just to warn those that expect feedback.
failure noun, fail·are | \ ˈfāl-yər \ Definition of failure, 1a: omission of occurrence or performance specifically: a failing to perform a duty or expected action fails to pay the rent on time b (1): a state of inability to perform a typical function kidney failure — compare HEART FAILURE (2): an abrupt cessation of normal functioning a power failure c: a fracturing or giving way under stress structural failure 2 a: lack of success b: a failing in business: BANKRUPTCY
He was trying to rescue the company from failure. 3a: a falling short: DEFICIENCY
success noun suc·cess | \ sək-ˈses \ Definition of success 1 a: degree or measure of succeeding, b: favorable or desired outcome also: the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence 2: one that succeeds 3 obsolete: OUTCOME, RESULT
Journeying through life with mental health is full of smooth and rough patches. Striving to find who we are and live in this blessed life well, even during the turbulent times. Ran across the following video that got me thinking on how to continue to strive to work on and accept who I am, past, present, and future. I always dwell on the what if’s and why did I make that choice. I found this one and got me thinking.
This video follows the journey of a social worker that transitioned to a different path of life as a photographer. Got me thinking maybe in the future develop a deeper understanding of where I am in my journey and how/why. If you did not watch the above link questions, he posted in the project – I am: I regret: and Before I Die: Loved the diversity of responses and reminders we are all different in how our life will, is, and has been living. It is okay to have a difference of opinion. In striving to accept personally, there will always be aspects of decisions, actions, and lack thereof that my mental health challenges will impact. It is okay if an impact made, both good and bad. What we learn, though, is how not to wallow too long in a pit made by a poor decision or lack of an action at the wrong time. Mental health does not seem to like working a beneficial schedule.
Lifes journey will always be before me, and as I move forward and blog as my life ebbs and flows on the shore of success and failure. Learning and patching up the damaged areas can still be termed a success if we allow it. It is finding the strength to keep moving even when some disagree and disregard the progress made. Success is as simple to some as getting up in the morning and getting dressed on the awful days. Success can be reaching out to a friend, professional, or a helpline when one’s strength seems non-existent. Success and Celebration of life are going forward even during a rough patch. Our journey of life or the shipwreck on the shore of life can be anything we make it just look for the sunshine through the gloom.
My 2020 response to the three questions the man put forth.
I am Mother, Wife, College Student, Employee, a weak follower of Christ, and Unsure of where I am going.
I regret not living my life as I dreamed and doing what everyone told me, or I perceived what I should do to please those around me, not myself.
Before I Die, I want to purchase 300-500 acres of land to make a nature preserve. On a couple of those acres, a rustic campground, an area designed for photographers, bookstore/coffee shop for groups to meet, and it overlooks the beauty of nature, and live off the land.
I would love to celebrate the joy I have found in blogging/journaling. It has been beneficial in reinforcing everyday success if we are alive and can be in the now and move forward even after a stall. Sample: Monday 5/4/2020 looked like it was going to be another failure of my positive movement made last week. When I got back from work, I only accomplished running three errands for my husband and daughter and a two-hour nap. In turn, I got to thinking I must live the words written. May seem small, but Monday was a success when looked at in hindsight. Success is I went to work on three hours of sleep, ran errands, folded some laundry, used a mask even though I struggled with my anxiety of looking out of place, and I worked on my blog.
I have included the comments section this time in case anyone wants to post an I am, I regret, and before I die exercise. I am hoping I am not infringing on this gentleman’s talent or idea. It was beneficial for me to think about my past, future, and present. I will attempt to read the comments section but still unsure I am strong enough to do so.
Thank you to all that have liked my posts. I much appreciate the support. I am sorry that even now, I am still not worked through my anxiety enough to allow the comments section to be part of the posts—one of my many flaws that at some point will work through.
Was listening to 5/1/2020 NBC Nightly News https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RE7WYcGJV2I that brought a troubling question to the diversity of our country’s thinking – time stamp 4.03 Major Reopening. The topic was the re-opening of our country, protests, and the states slowly easing the shelter in place orders what I struggle with how I feel about the distinct separation in how people think about the re-opening of our country. I understand just going out and about as desired, but we still have a large segment of our country that is immune-compromised, and the knowledge about COVID-19 is still limited. The opening of our country is well financially and needs doing. Additionally, groups are talking about going out with a mask is unnecessary. I wish more people would wear masks at least in the area of the country (Northern Ohio) that I am in just on May 01, 2020, of our change in a stay at home order to stay safe traffic doubled when I had to leave for work as a Home Health Aide.
Protests are freedom of our country Praise God, would like a little more diverse reporting of each viewpoint from tv. Why did several groups of protesters choose to go armed into the State Capitol of Michigan, Austin, Pittsburgh, and more? Did find a historical reason for the armed protests by TImothy C Hemmis, he wrote a ‘The Founders drew a line between peaceful protests and armed insurrection.’ The article gave a fascinating history to the initial thoughts behind protests. With some googling, I did find another piece that gave a more detailed perspective on why people felt they need to assemble armed currently. The article is ‘Michigan militia puts armed protests in the spotlight’ by Sara Burnett. What I was able to glean from this article is that there is a segment of our society that feels the stay at home order has attacked our freedom. Is the stay at home order an attack on liberty when things could have been so much worse in regards to our health? Then how should our politicians handle the pandemic? So where does this put me personally in regards to my anxiety, depression, and how I move forward when I either agree or disagree with attitudes around me?
I praise God that we live in a country that allows the freedom of our voice, so most are represented. Some of these voices may be stifled from time to time. Big business and our politicians who are supported by big companies do not want to see or hear those that are the backbone of the country, the hourly worker. We see this in a small aspect of how we praise the hospital (nursing and doctors) and police/firefighters. DO NOT get me wrong they should be appreciated; they are not paid enough for what we ask of them to do even if this pandemic was not happening. But very little praise goes to the eight to ten dollar worker retail, sanitation, factory, etc., that is also working under dangerous conditions or are unemployed. Nevermind in a month our police, fireman, nurses, and city workers will be unemployed due to state or hospital budget cuts that need balanced. Our federal government not supporting the state and hospital leaders. The money voted on was sent with strict guidelines that do not truly help our state budgets. State leaders who have been on the front lines of making the tough decisions about stay at home orders which impact their state economy and budgetary needs.
Reviewing information and journaling has helped me and the anxiety about where my place is in all this current and future chaos. Honestly, I think I will be better off keeping to my initial plan of just listening to my state afternoon news conference and maybe listen nightly to one of the world news reports. Much of what I have journaled above has been there for years and even centuries and not changed much. Accepting that I am a low paid minion, entry-level worker, law-abiding citizen of our country that our federal politicians have lost sight of what our country stands on. Our country began and is supposed to stand on the Declaration of Independence of 1776. ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that their Creator endows them with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.’ (https://www.archives.gov/founding-docs/declaration-transcript). I am not in a position to do much else except to vote when it is time and with research vote and make choices that are best for the reliable working of our government, not fractured petty children masked as adults. Both Federal, State, and Local government officials are to serve all people, not just the stockholders and moneymakers. Beyond voting and speaking out after research, my other personal responsibility is to care for my family and the responsibilities I have to those around me.
Emotionally that is all I can work with is me, family, work, and home first. One of the other aspects that came to mind while I was listening to the NBC News report is one woman’s comment at – time stamp 6:22. Her comment about how freeing it felt to be out. I think many of us can relate to after the last 5-7 weeks of staying at home and many more to come. All I ask is that some of us remember this after we begin to return to our’ new normal’. There are those in our society that are always staying at home not by choice. For emotional health reasons, physical reasons, hospitals, or nursing homes. Let’s try to reach out to those homebound or in hospitals. They would love to hear or read something and remembered other than the big holidays. Those that are homebound feel forgotten over the years, and now that we as a nation have had a small taste of what it feels emotionally and physically trapped in one’s home. Remember their, being home has been for years. Maybe it is time to reach out even it is to reach out to them by phone, flowers, or letter. Caring is not wrong; it takes a little bit of effort. Because even though they may have an ‘aide’ come to their home to help with primary care, that is not the same as a friend or family member to remember them.
Keep striving to find what motivates, calms, and feels personally successful. Our successes are as an individual. All we can do is share our journey with those listening; hope it helps. Reframe life from sorrow to celebration as you picture it. Our experiences painful or beautiful can build a fantastic frame of beauty; even cracks are marks of beauty and resilience.
To end these thoughts on an upbeat note here is Matthew West – Quarantine Life. Hopefully, you get a chuckle from this as we move forward and find an equilibrium that works for us as individuals. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyuaDo1eLEI I find these songs uplifting not depressing because it does show that even though our environment/home may look different many of us are going through that same feeling of loss of get up and go when we want.
The week has started positively. I had a plan; pulled out a Daily list I created several years ago. My Daily Lists are so I do not forget what I feel is needed and not get distracted. Some may find it silly or extensive. For me, I have always had records of one sort, either too long, detailed, or short. Started them ages ago so everything could get done in a day. I get distracted as I go about my day or feel as I have forgotten something, lists allow me to stay on target and not get distracted by something new that I see need doing and how long of a break I can do in between each task. At least that is the plan, but unlike the A-team and Hanibal Smith, my ideas very rarely come together Hannibal: “I love it when a plan comes together!”.
Examples of distractions caused by the over-thinking mind; a simple manner, a couple of months ago, I saw several smudges on the bathroom mirror at 6 am and proceeded to clean it, in turn, waking my husband. He had two more hours before he needed to be up for work. Realistically the glass could have waited to a better time in the morning, but I felt compelled to clean it. A great example is deep cleaning the kitchen counters and floors. I will go to put something away in the Pantry and then start pulling that apart or deep cleaning, which is an all-day project. Which in turn, my deep cleaning the counters and drawers never get finished. The last example is on the opposite end if I am feeling exhausted, allergies, severe headache, or depressed, my breaks never stop, and the day ends up wasted.
Monday (4/27) was a fantastic day was able to keep to my daily list but also added two items not planned. I started the set-up of my back patio. Additionally begun working on a room that needed partially emptied and re-arrange a room that works better for my husband, who will continue to work from home till June 8. Maybe even longer though Ohio has started opening corporate offices up as of May 4, with the caveat that those that can continue to work from home do so. My head does feel congested from working around outside and the dust from moving boxes out of the spare room. Feel successful, just tired. I finished the day with my job as a Home Health Aide helping an individual to bed.
I look forward to how the rest of the week goes.
Tuesday (4/28) is emotionally a struggle for energy and motivation. Early am worked 5 hours as a Home Health Aide. When arriving home, I was barely able to work on emptying the room that started yesterday. Got home at 12:15 pm from work; it is 2:15 pm right now and struggling with the thoughts that I am failing to accomplish anything. Now writing that I realize I am too hard on myself. It is okay to take a break before preparing for the rest of the day. Well, time to move forward choosing to put some books away and fold laundry; while listening to the OH Governor News Conference. Hopefully, This will help me by not sitting listening, and if I keep moving, I can accomplish more and not fall asleep or just read as I have in the past when I sit down mid-afternoon. I got the books done, but not the folding felt ache, headache, and tired, so I finished listening to the conference and cleaned up my email of junk mail. Previously I mentioned watching the news conference at dinner for some reason that did not seem to work, unsure why. Successfully shopped for burger supplies, grilled, and cleaned up. Still feel tired and distracted going to call Tuesday a success. I will see the progress made on Wednesday and see what successful routine I can build around my work schedule and the needs of the family home.
Wednesday (4/29) I am a little concerned about how productive today will be, slow start tired, headache, and ache. Groggy thinking it is because I took my insomnia medication took a 20-minute catnap while listening to someone reading scripture verses the tone is soothing (down below is the link). I do not feel as tired still have a slight headache. I am going to try moving forward with just a decongestant. Try to limit my aspirin, Tylenol, Advil use, in years past my headaches had me taking 8-10 Tylenol in one sitting only to dull the ache. Well going to try moving through my morning routine again, see if I can manage more. I am still tired and distracted. Fortunately, it is only mid-morning. I was going to try another catnap since I was able to accomplish several things. Struggling with not letting my anxiety and self-worth overpower the success I have had in thinking positively. Successfully moving forward, I took my husband, asking me to finish the project started on Monday. I am comfortable with what completed as always would love to have done more, but at least I did not stop like I usual. I finished the day with my job as a Home Health Aide helping an individual to bed.
I look forward to how the rest of the week goes.
Thursday (4/30) is emotionally a struggle for energy and motivation. Probably because I did not take my insomnia medication and woke at 1 am and 3:30 am. My early am work of 5 hours as a Home Health Aide was okay; I got home at 12:15 pm from work. Upon reaching home was extremely tired and the beginning of a migraine, so I chose to nap for an hour. Taking a nap is difficult emotionally; I always feel lazy and worthless for not being able to push forward as I used to. I did except that this was the right decision because I was able to get up work on some additional tasks around the house. For once am looking forward to how Friday proceeds.
Friday (5/1) This day has gone well so far. I was able to accomplish sorting the boxes taken out of the spare room at the beginning of the week. I have successfully kept sorting and daily home care, which, for me, is excellent. I feel successful, which may seem small, but I am thrilled that I was able to maintain movement and not give in to my lethargy and headaches. We shall see how the weekend and next week comes may or may not be with as much detail, will depend I have asked to take on another 15 hours of work next week. So this will either help or hinder the progress I have made.
Stil an internal struggle I am used to 10 to 12 hour days that are 5 to 6 days a week, since the late ’80s. When for the last four years and more so the previous two years, I become exhausted quickly and fall asleep or lose track of time when I sit. Decreasing my work hours, tasks, and accomplishing so little pushes my anxiety and depression about my self worth and value to my family. Accepting these limitations continues to take time. It does not mean I will not keep trying new things to gain back at least half my energy back. Working toward a better method of still caring for the family, blessed with using the current power and emotional structure I have currently in case I am unable to return to my previous level of energy. Plan for the worst and celebrate personal perfect.
So to wrap up this week, I am comfortable with what I have been able to accomplish, and my anxiety and depression have been at a positive level with only some minor dips, which is excellent. To round out the last five days on a funny note in this time of COVID-19 stay at home I ran across YouTube song Quartine Song (Epic Parody) by Peter Hollens, for me, this struck my funny bone. Enjoy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjpvTQisBng,
For the future, I have a variety of ideas hoping to work toward, depending on how my anxiety lets me. One, I am thinking of putting my blog to YouTube, just a reading of what I wrote to help those that find reading difficult. Two, I have some phrases that I may turn into t-shirts or mugs. Three, I used to enjoy reading scripture or books that match my life questions, and struggles might return to that and post on a separate page. The scripture on a separate page will allow those who want to read do so but not offend those who are not comfortable with that. Four, allowing comments to be left on my posts. Just not there yet.
Prayerfully everyone is well during this time of challenge, struggles, questions, success, and just finding who we are and being at peace with what our mind and experiences will shape us to be.
Jan 23, 1983 · A significant discovery for “The A-Team” was Dwight Schultz, as ‘Howling Mad Murdock.’ A remarkably versatile actor, Schultz was adept at accents, physical humor, and rapid-fire one-liners, and his exchanges with Mr. T were funny without ever being demeaning.
A brief overview of Tuesday (4/7/2020) due to it being an emotional struggle for me; accomplished nothing but a 5 hour workday as a Home Health Aide. When I got home, I felt exhausted and had a severe headache that was close to a migraine. Upon arriving back, I worked on a freelance project, my blog, and watched the 2 pm OH News Conference after that cooked dinner for the family. My emotional struggle for me is I have always been busy, with work, family, volunteering, handling the housework/budget, and mine and my daughter’s schooling being very busy all day. Not giving myself time to be harmful unless I took the time to sit still; this is how I kept the bulk of my depression symptoms masked. Over a year and a half ago, my mild daily headaches turned severe with exhaustion and periodic loss of time.
This exhaustion has caused me to go from a 40-50 hour workweek to a 15 – 25 hour work week and decrease other aspects of my life. So the question on my bad days is, why am I such a failure and not push through this. When going to the doctors when this truly impacted my daily living, we began the Russian roulette of diagnosis. The first thyroid had it since the ’80s with and without medication and found medication always made my emotions worse numbers may be right, but my depression, exhaustion, and weight increased. Then a full blood panel showed low vitamin D only. Well, will you look at that they moved onto anxiety and depression which yes I have lived with since late teens; with and without medication over the years. Having been off all medications for 17 years in my eyes successfully, I was able to live life maybe not entirely, but I lived well. So back to medicine and waiting for testing for sleep apnea, which I have been treated for previously but not successfully. I feel like a failure that my exhaustion and headaches have not left and had to return to thyroid and depression medication.
What can I do to get myself to a place of peace since my current personal situation is anxiety and depression inducing? Took Tuesday night and part of this morning (Wednesday, 4/8/2020) that it is okay that I had limited success Wednesday will hopefully be better. Even though I am on 3 hours of sleep from a late-night thunderstorm and tornado warning, attempting to organize my day with 2-3 items to do that, I will work on then finish, a 20-minute break. The 2 pm News Conference I am going to watch while I am eating dinner instead of at 2 see if that helps give me more working time in the day. Brainstormed a list of tasks I wanted to accomplish today. Going to document how long it takes my responsibilities to complete so I can hopefully get an idea of where I am wasting time.
So two weeks later, I am just now returning to do things outside of getting up, laundry, cooking, daughter’s schooling, working, and sleeping. Exhaustion seems to have become my friend instead of moving forward toward adding activity to my day. The internal question is, am I a success or failure? Let’s touch base with Webster’s Dictionary and a definition because I see failure. Failure is a lack of success, according to Webster. With that in mind, what is success? Success is a favorable or desirable ending. These got me to thinking that failure and success are a personal choice and perception of the situation around you. Maybe a review of the past two weeks will help me determine my perception better of whether I am a success or failure.
Am I placing a false perception of my success? What I am thinking is that my depression and anxiety can trap me in my home and a private room for fear of failure and embarrassing myself.
When looking over the two weeks of activity and perceived inactivity
Ran my family errands and went to work.
Success
Filled my vitamin and medication daily pill container
Failure
Took my required prescriptions
Success
Deep Cleaned, tossed out, recycled, downsized, and organized rooms
Failure
Maintained Family Dishes, Laundry, and necessary cleaning
Success
Took care of a sick dog
Success
Kept up on daughter’s high school classwork monitoring
Success
I wore a mask and gloves as requested by the CDC and State of OH even though I felt silly looking and think I was being stared at; side note the bag I put together, and I mentioned in a previous day works excellent – easy to grab what I need.
Success
Even if the world may consider my last two weeks a failure of taking care of myself or family. They do not know my physical and emotional health. I may not be where I want to be energy-wise, but given what I am working with, there was a success in the past two weeks. All I can do is accept that I am not where I mentally placed my goals, but I did not fully crash and sleep for the last two weeks.
As individuals, we must determine what our success or failure point is. Anxiety and depression make that harder than people think, but it is our life and family we must find satisfaction in than trying to please those that do not know us or understand the fine line of success and perceived failure our disease brings us. Right now, I place the care of my family, home, finances, and job as my success. My goals will include downsizing, but that will come as my exhaustion, anxiety, and depression will allow.
Prayerfully I will return to writing as my days move forward, and I do not feel as crippled by my perceived failure. Truthfully maybe it is time for me to determine what I perceive as success and tweak that perception to fit the physical and emotional limitations I am currently living with and determine my goal of expanding my list of achievements.
Keep reaching for your goals even if it is only one step forward, after three steps backward. Everything can be a success; we need to see it that way.
Reference
Merriam Webster Dictionary, 4/25/2020
failure noun, fail·ure | \ ˈfāl-yər \ Definition of failure, 1a: omission of occurrence or performance specifically: a failing to perform a duty or expected action failure to pay the rent on time b (1) : a state of inability to perform a normal function kidney failure — compare HEART FAILURE (2) : an abrupt cessation of normal functioning a power failure c: a fracturing or giving way under stress structural failure 2 a: lack of success b: a failing in business : BANKRUPTCY
He was trying to rescue the company from failure. 3a : a falling short : DEFICIENCY
a crop failure b: DETERIORATION, DECAY 4: one that has failed He felt like a failure when he wasn’t accepted into law school.
success noun suc·cess | \ sək-ˈses \ Definition of success 1 a: degree or measure of succeeding, b: favorable or desired outcome also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence 2: one that succeeds 3 obsolete : OUTCOME, RESULT
Random Observations 
