Monday started, sitting and reviewing last week and daily task list and projects. Still feeling tired, headache, and distracted thinking. Concern that I am going to push myself to fast and crash physically as I have in the past, frustrating and disappointing. I have so many things I want to do.
With great difficulty, I am not going to add any projects I was planning to integrate into this week. Hopefully, this will stop the physical crash I am often dealing with routinely. The other concern more than the physical exhaustion is managing my depression and anxiety because lowering my activities make me feel like a failure. Continually keeping my thoughts of failure, at-bay, will be the ultimate success.
Tuesday struggle day started at 5 am no energy or desire to get up. I did get up for work. I got home at 12:30 pm to a problem with the kitchen sink. Fortunately, my husband was working on it but as always got upset with myself, thinking I could have known about the issue before I left for work. I know deep down that it is illogical. So success was I did not let that thought stay long. Another success was my daughter did complete some more assignments. So I was able to reward her. So many things need doing, and I had no energy. The day ended after ordering food and picking up, cleaning up the kitchen, posting blog/journal entry, and having late lunch at 4 pm. I felt exhausted and nodded off at my desk. Such tough decisions lay down for 30 minutes before I did write up a list of what came to mind what needed doing. I hope that once I get back up, I will have a chance to move forward. Unsure where this great exhaustion is coming from hope I can walk through it. See how the rest of the week shapes up.
Wednesday through Friday was more of a repeat on the level of exhaustion and errands that need run. No sense repeating Monday and Tuesday in writing. Wednesday did have one aspect that I thought would take me out of the picture for awhile emotionally. A 4-year friendship that had ended mid-March for a variety of reasons resurfaced negatively. For most of Wednesday, late afternoon, and evening, I tried to understand what I had done wrong for this return. Almost called off work for the rest of the week.
Through the internal review, I have determined not to let the situation destroy the progress I had emotionally achieved with my mental health since our friendship had ended. I had to accept that this individual’s emotional needs and negative perception of life were not something I was emotionally in a position to support personally. I had slowly been pulled further into my depression in trying to help this individual. In accepting that I was not responsible for how others perceived the situations around themselves was beneficial. Personal emotional health was essential and that sometimes we run into situations or individuals that we permanently or temporarily cannot be around. It is okay we are stronger when we understand who we are and what we are capable of deciding or accomplishing.
Success or failure is my goal for these reviews. Ask me at the beginning of the week it would have been a resounding failure. This failure determination would have been false. The week was a success. Emotionally and mentally health-wise, I am amazed and thrilled that I did not dwell on what happened with the past friendship or call asking for forgiveness that was not needed. Personally, it was a lot of prayer and a review of my goals for myself emotionally.
Physically also was a success if we squint. I was able to maintain my daily home care tasks. I was also able to spend some time emptying some boxes and prepare for a massive Goodwill run.
Saturday morning, with my sleep apnea untreated till our hospitals return to standard testing. I need to accept and make it work with what I have for physical and mental energy. As mentioned previously, I do have medication for insomnia, which makes me extremely tired the next day, so working 7a- noon Monday to Friday does not give me the ability to take them. I did take them Friday night and slept in Saturday morning but had more energy than the rest of this week. Success for accepting I have limitations. With those limitations, though, I can strive to determine a plan to keep working on adding more to my day. It just takes longer than I would like.
Journey this week was filled with potholes of pain but was patched over with feelings of success for not regressing.
Thank you to all who take the time to read. I have included a song from Meghan Trainor – Treat Myself. This song represents how I felt on Friday when I just rested for the day with minimal guilt.
I am returning to the topic of motivation, is a personally constant search. Motivating through exhaustion is difficult when integrated with mental and physical health needs. Let’s look at what the Oxford Dictionary has as a definition.
Motivation
[ˌmōdəˈvāSH(ə)n]
NOUN
the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.
Have the desire and willingness, just not the energy. Find me hip-deep in a lousy week. As Tuesday creeps toward Thursday to stop me from becoming overwhelmed by thoughts of being a failure are the priority. Striving to concentrate on following my daily list but prioritize it based on absolutely must-do tasks. The goal is so family, work, and house not impacted. For those that have read the past blog subjects, these exhaustion weeks are one of the reasons I created a daily printable list. I mentally spend so much time figuring out what is remarkable: so much time wasted that nothing gets done. With the record, I can check off what done highlight what is next after a break. Taken me years of off and on working on different lists some short and some too detailed. With the horrible days, I do one to two tasks than a twenty to thirty-minute break. Breaks being reading, writing, watching YouTube, sorting clutter, or catnap. My thoughts of failure usually are what makes me crash, and nothing accomplished. History sleeping either from a migraine or just lack of motivation and feelings of why bother I am a failure, and my husband and daughter are going to leave me because I am worthless.
Currently feeling that I am treading water, at least I am not sinking. Not much to give for suggestions but keep motivated to at least accomplish the basics. I did include a quote I found online that has helped me keep working on my home’s needs and not let my mental and physical health grind my life to a halt. My journey this week seems to be in a valley, but that does not mean I am not looking ahead to strive to go back up the hill of life. May this day find you well; none of us are alone in this mental and physical health; it just looks different as we all move through our lives.
To wrap this post up with something fun. Below is a fun song/video from Mercy Me that when I need something upbeat and reminder that I do not need to strive for perfection. Usually, play this in the background will doing something mind-numbing like folding laundry. Mind-numbing tasks typically are when I struggle with my self doubts the most. Video is silly, but enjoy how it shows the lack of perfection that we all are, and that’s okay. We can still live life with joy; it just looks different from person to person. Also, I have an evil streak and love to freak out, my teenager, when she walks in while I listen and start moving to the song.
In watching TV recently, I noticed the number of ads geared toward mental health medication content but also the increase. Struck me that they concentrate on describing the pros and cons of symptoms or act like a depressed person look pathetic. Below is an example of an ad from 2019, I have also seen the same company recently but different actors. The cons seem to outway the positives, which got me thinking about how I can improve my emotional place with a minimal amount of medication. Which is a balancing act of drugs, professionals, and lifestyle choices?
Striving to find a personal balance between personal lifestyle and medication. It has always been a journey I have been on since the late seventies. This journey has been beautiful, painful, and repetitious. There are aspects of my life that are success and failure. Failure comes in when I am riding high on my feelings of invincibility or filling my time with everything. Everything is keeping busy with things that I perceive the world, family, and acquaintances will view as my success. Pleasing others has always been my metric of success. Do I have a ‘real job’ are not all jobs real. Yes, they are real, but education, media, and some family place high expectations in words an actions. Expectations are corporate jobs, higher education, and top pay. There is a substantial aspect of our culture that cannot achieve that either through mental health, decisions made when young, cultural limitations, physical limitations, and personal motivation. The metric I saw I need to perform was Executive Secretary, Manager, or Supervisor in an office setting. All of those placed incredible stress that would impact my health. I am happier being a trainer or manager in the retail/service industry. Part of our culture does not look on retail or service industry as having a ‘real job.’ Finding a balance of emotional health and work success impacts the mental health journey.
The journey toward balance brings me back to marketing and the increase of medication ads and culture toward mental health. Do we have an increase in ads because our society is trying to show it is okay to have mental health needs? Another television media is seeking all revenue streams? Then again, why am I even concerned about this is just another aspect of our society and culture that agitates me.
Agitation comes from that the two questions go hand and hand because we are a world of individuals and corporate need/greed. Even though we are more open to mental health, the portion of our society and culture do not still understand that even with medication, our days are sometimes not our own. We still have good and bad days. Going to a professional is few in far between because of finances and insurance limitations. Finding a professional that works with who we are as an individual takes times as well. Journeying with mental health is a delicate balancing act of hills and valleys.
The journey of mental health assisted by medication, and monitoring the options through marketing presentations is probably not beneficial. Seeking out a professional is the better options available. A professional will know the ins and outs of the medications and you as a person. Celebrating that media is comfortable showing the drugs and the need for them. At this point, I choose to chuckle at the descriptions they give of symptoms to avoid. A sad chuckle that half the symptoms described are why I sought out medication in the first place.
Prayerfully, this finds everyone well. Just having introspective exhaustion filled beginning week. The review next Saturday will be interesting. Do intend in future weeks to moving back to journaling my food and lifestyle choices. It has worked for me before then when I felt better took on work that triggered a downward spiral. We shall see what this detour of my journey will bring.
I have included one of the medicine ads for context. Also, this one I find insulting, other people may not, but for me, just nails on a chalkboard.
Happy Mother’s Day? Another year has come around to the holiday that I have equal joy and frustration. Yes, Mother’s Day is not a holiday I call it that because it is a day that families, media, stores, and religions comment. So in my simplistic thinking, any day that a large entity concentrates on is a holiday. 2020 Mother’s Day will look different for many unsure if people prepared for the changes.
Past Mother’s Day being eleven years in a grocery store, the florist was extremely busy. When working as a waitress or cook in restaurants, Sunday was always busy. In the time of COVID-19 and physical distancing, what will this day look like for families? How are mothers who have children manage the change of no restaurants except take out and florists not having as much of their average amount of flowers available? Joy and frustration, I expect.
Observation of how those with joy-filled memories celebrate mom; that portion of our society (US) observe Mother’s Day will not as be as grand as in past years. No going out to eat. How many mothers are going to end up having just another day because they had to prepare the food for the ‘get together’ to celebrate Mom? Flowers How many are going to be able to afford flowers? Indeed in this time of change cannot Mother’s Day change?
Instead of spending money that may not have or spending will cause problems further down the road. What about thinking about all the beautiful things mom did for you through the years. Call or create a card memorializing some of the fantastic things she did for you. A simple example ran your lunch up to the school when you forgot. Mom took you to a concert even though you had not finished your tasks as asked. Maybe get in the habit of thanking Mom through the year for what she does out of love. She watched her grandkids even though she had plans to meet up with friends that day and canceled so you could work or have a date night. Let’s celebrate Mom’s without all the frills using words and simple actions is as organic, inexpensive, and mean more for some than all the money in the world you may not have. This day does bring frustration to some.
Frustration for me is how big our media and marketing make this day. I understand why it does. Still does nothing to alleviate my frustration. Let’s look at other aspects of our society and culture before we move into my example. There are families young and old that Mom has passed away. A woman that, by personal choice, biologically, or financially are not a Mom. There may be people that, in the past or present, have a mother that has made choices that negatively impact their children. Changing the cultural and corporate juggernaut that is Mother’s Day or even Father’s Day is not feasible. Just asking people to be compassionate of those you connected with that this day may not be the ‘celebration’ the media wants us to spend. This year especially the money and ability to celebrate the joy is not there. Make a phone call offer to listen. Zoom or Skype a coffee/tea time to sit in each other presence; if feeling needs to speak, the opportunity is there. From personal experience, this day frustrates me.
Why is there frustration? Oh, let us count the ways, nevermind not worth it; let us give a brief overview. My mother was one that expected Mother’s Day, but I have no examples of wow she is a mother. Heck, my grandparents gave me a mother’s day present several years in a row, because I had been taking care of my younger sister as a mother would. Another negative memory sleeping in the garage, so my mother could have someone over. Others nothing was ever right for her I was too fat, lazy, and was never going to make something of myself. My grandmother on my dad’s side was who I learned how being a mom was quite unassuming and always there to help others. Mother’s day was celebrated at her home, and she, with grandpa, cooked and cleaned after the meal. Mother’s day in our home is a quiet affair that I have accepted and have peace of heart. My husband’s upbringing places him with the thought that “You are not my mother. Why would I say or get you anything?”. With no prompting from my husband, my daughter does not acknowledge this day. I have taken my lessons from grammy, and I graciously take this day as a blessing I have family and friends and not expect anything but a couple Happy Mother’s Day on Facebook and church pastor saying something.
Another frustration is those that ask, “What are you are doing this Mother’s Day?” when I respond with “probably nothing as we do every year.” I feel judged that my life is lacking because my family does nothing as if I have done something wrong not to warrant my family, remembering me on this ‘important’ day. When I know, I do my husband is a fantastic financial provider but limits himself in what he assists with around the house. My daughter is a teenager with depression; do I need to expand on that scenario. So selfishly, I feel judged by the world around me.
So I am at peace with where I am culturally, and society may not be picture-perfect, but I am not a conformist. I find myself blessed that over the years, I have worked through my feelings, and this day no long triggers mental health attacks—Depression from why does my family not love me. I give so much I change who and what I do to fit their needs, not my own so often. What more do I need to accomplish to have them show me, love? Anxiety from what others will think. Do they think I abuse my family? Do they think my family abuses me? What is wrong with her that they do not give her Mother’s Day presents or meal? Taken years, but I am at peace, my family is who their life experiences have created. I am who my life experiences shaped as with the rest of the world, we each find positive reinforcement of joy from all aspects of life.
I will leave you with the history of Mother’s Day from the History Channel and two songs I enjoy listening to. Mandisa Overcomer and Dolly Parton – Eagle When She Flies videos. These videos remind me that we are all different life experiences and reactions. As individuals, it is okay to have weaknesses and strengths.
Mandisa – Overcomer
Dolly Parton – Eagle When She Flies (Official Video)
May this day find you well. May your emotional health be at peace with where you are now. We celebrate this day where we are not were media and culture says. As individuals, life will look different for each of us.
History channel’s information on the history of Mother’s Day
Again, may this day find you well, as an individual trying to decide how to live well emotionally.
Add on after posting, came across The Muppets: Happy Mother’s Day from Fozzie Bear and Ma Bear? Cute and light hearted, for those who have and can joy on this day. Made me chuckle mostly at .32 comment from Ma Bear.
Second add on since first posting this. I felt bad that I had forgotten the perspective of the Father’s out there striving to be Mom and Dad the best they can. Here is something simple for that.
Rory Feek singing about being a single (widowed) dad on Mother’s Day.
Past posts have been my perception of the success and failure of my time concerning the reality of living well with mental health and physical limitations. Last week offered an additional 15 hours of Home Health Aide work. Difficult decision to make taking the extra hours, due to the responsibilities I have at my own home, health, and family. When balanced against the exhaustion from anxiety/depression, sleep apnea, and other health concerns was unsure how that was going to go home wise.
By Wednesday, I was ready to throw in the towel and blog my perception of failure. Before starting this experiment of blogging/public journaling, that would be my thought process still is a little. That small amount of doubt never seems to leave me for long; this week’s reasoning behind thoughts of failure. Some of the home organization projects that I had been slowly integrating into my life has stopped. The timing of the everyday items that I had been working on had shifted, and the amount of effort put into them changed drastically. Again this is less than half of what I used to be able to accomplish in years past. As the days progressed, I could sense my building emotional cloud of failure, and why do I even bother trying. Another voice I kept hearing, “I am such a failure that I cannot accomplish ‘basics.’ I am a worthless mother, wife, and employee.” Then the thought struck me during my paten pending internal thought bubble. That is the me that I am always trying to shed. Given the ‘joys’ of mental health will be revisited, often.
With contemplation and review by Friday, I have decided that this week’s additional work hours were a successful integration of my health and home life. How I decided they were a success, not a failure as earlier thought was many. Physically I had to remember due to work hours; I could no longer take my insomnia medication. That means as the week progressed, my body was unable to get a proper amount of sleep outside three to four hours. The hours also impacted eating breakfast due to medication restrictions and took some time to adjust the medication, food intake, and leaving for work. Another component that any energy I would have just after work for the physical house tasks was limited in completion. The limitation was positive and negative; my teenage daughter has been falling behind in her classwork due to her depression. She finally had a positive week and was working on assignments and required testing. To positively reinforce her progress, I rewarded her with her favorite take out for lunch most of the week. Yes, I just spent the financial increase on take-out and reinforced comfort/reward eating. Can I call it a win that I supported my local business? (shrugs shoulder) So instead of cleaning, I was ordering food and running errands. In contemplation, this week is a success for me.
Success comes in many shapes and sizes from the perception of this struggling to live well individual—silly and real overview of reasons again. I was able to increase my contribution to my home financially. I can make donations to the local food bank, church, and WCRF radio station. Maintained the basics dishes and laundry; may not be on the schedule I would prefer, but they got done. Cleaning may not be the deep clean I prefer, but the basic got done. Able to add the filling and taking all of my medications and vitamins this week. My daughter had a great week. I still blogged and journaled during the week. So I will take this as a win for surviving mental and physical health limitations.
Live life to the fullest that you are emotionally and physically able to do. Came across this video compilation of our society and culture, the speaking was from a TED talk of Live Life to the Fullest by Steve Maraboli. Video in the background comes from a TED conference video made by Louie Schwartzberg. Collection created by YouTuber danoshow merged the speech, pictures, and music. Initially, I was not going to post this because I kept thinking that I could not live as he was describing. I was picturing my dream of acres of land and living off it. On the edge of the area, a bookstore/craft shop on the side of the property.
I may or may not reach that dream, but if I get up every morning to work toward that. That is a win because I am not letting my mental and physical health situation confine my living or dreaming—personal meaning of the compilation, the diversity of our society and culture around us as individuals. I have mentioned before living life to the fullest can even be getting up in the morning and eating breakfast. Not binge eating taking a walk instead, reading a book or scripture instead of sleeping the day away, having a fruit smoothie in the morning instead of ice cream, going into work instead of calling off or walking even if there are limitations such as holding onto a cane. Get up and strive to journey with your flaws, not let them hold you back. May mean redefining goals or even keep striving for them; you are the designer of your journey. Even when that journey is getting to the park bench with the perfect view that day, tomorrow is another day. Another day on the trip may see more done or just sitting on the park bench half-way to the original destination; an effort was made that is all that matters. Create your trip-tik (AAA), mapquest, or travel plan that works for you, health, and responsibilities.
Here are the videos first one is the compilation. Two and three are the original postings. All are motivating in their way.
Steve Maraboli – https://vimeo.com/107839708 Could not locate the TedTalk but did find it on Vimeo of a Q & A.
May next week be a success in whatever shape or form.
Below is my copy and past attempt at uplifting ideas and humour, sadly for some working on my humor is not on my evolving project lists (Sorry). Minion picture and motivation quote –
Love Minions I feel like they represent the service industry (retail, housekeeping, waitress, hairdresser, etc). We are the workers without the respect for the hard work that we do. Keep up the great work even without the public accolades. Society cannot live out us but do not know how to acknowledge that. Cannot count the times I have been asked, ‘When are you going to get a real job.’ ugh people can’t live with them or without them.
FYI – still not in a good spot anxiety wise for reading and responding to comments. But leaving the comments section open. Maybe I will jump off the anxiety cliff and begin reading them in the future. Please no one hold their breath because this is an aspect of life that is years old. I have to build myself up to just listen to voicemails or read email responses. So yeah no hope soon of me working on this path in my life journey.
References
AAA trip tik Definition, https://triptik.aaa.com/home/, With this complete road trip planner, you can also access AAA Travel Guides and Road Trips companion resources. Travel Guides provide in-depth destination information with links to articles, videos, travel tips, and more. Road Trips illustrated with maps and images nearly 500 worthwhile and scenic drives throughout North America, with a descriptive narrative for each leg and recommended things to see and do, including GEM attractions offering an excellent experience for members.
Hmm, what are they thinking, and why do I keep letting my anxiety care what others are saying and doing?
I am still struggling with my anxiety, wearing a mask in public. The fear I feel out of place by wearing mine. Many of the people in my community is not wearing one, and my husband is one of those choosing not to wear one. He has been diagnosed but by personal choice untreated asthmatic, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, Stage 2 Diabetes, and fatty liver. He believes in the herd immunity in regards to COVID-19. Herd immunity, according to Oxford, is, ‘The resistance to the spread of a contagious disease within a population that results if a sufficiently high proportion of individuals are immune to the disease, especially through vaccination.’ Mayo Clinic has an article and video further explaining the cost of going this route. Below is Mayo Clinic’s Video.
Additionally, you have those not wearing masks because they feel that the government is trying to control them. Psychology Today, written by Seth J. Gillihan Ph.D., Why Are Masks Triggering Conflict and Rage?. This author addresses what he saw as political, health, fear, and economic breakdown. He finished the article with that this debate will continue but also not to assume or become irritated by other’s choices. His final paragraph is a simple example but put a positive spin on choosing to wear a mask.
Everyone has had to make sacrifices during national emergencies, like military service, during times of war. Our forebears gave up their freedom to eat chocolate during World War II so that more of it could go to the soldiers. Wearing a mask could be seen as a patriotic expression of self-sacrifice, as you do your part to defend our country from a microscopic invader. Wear it with pride as you hold onto your liberties.
I guess I keep returning to this one subject for selfish and childish reasons. Wearing a mask took a lot of effort on my part with my anxiety and still does to wear it in public. To see people in the media become abusive, violent, and offensive over a piece of material that could mean the difference between someone staying healthy or dying seems such a simple thing to do and move us faster toward finding our new normal. Yes, I do understand there is a small percentage due to severe reasons that may not be able to wear a mask, that is not what keeps agitating me. It is the fact that since the beginning of May, if I see ten people in a store, only one or two is wearing a mask. That is not including the employees. So of the no mask arguments are written about in Business Insider by Anna Medaris Miller’ Anti-maskers’ say they should not be forced to cover their faces in public because medical conditions mean they cannot wear a mask.
So I am back again with, I can only control myself, and even though my anxiety has me feeling like I am judged for wearing it. I shall continue to wear one to honor the employees that are wearing one and that I do not think that their lives and the lives of the other customers around me have so low of a value that I will wear such a simple thing to follow through. Additionally, being a Home Health Aide of a Quadriplegic, I do not want to be responsible for this individual becoming ill because I brought it into the home. Additionally, if wearing one allows us to move our economy further forward and faster, than let us do this. On a silly note, I will probably revisit this subject when I realize that my tan line will show that I wear a mask.
Here is 5/6/2020 Mayo Clinic Q & A podcast: How to clean during COVID-19. Mayo Clinic 5/6/2020 – Cleaning during COVID-19. Figured I would include this also because if our medical community is concerned, it is a viable health concern. Felt this was a high reinforcement of why we are still following through the CDC and our state government’s requests.
I may take a historical perspective to this repeated mask befuddlement and our world health crisis and personal impact. Was going to do the 1918 flu pandemic but ran across another health crisis that is the polio scare. Shows the years involved in a life change and that the young impacted. CBS Sunday Morning did a quick view of how Polio affected our country. CBS Sunday Morning – Conquering the polio epidemic. I guess I keep trying to find verification that everything we currently have to deal with, both health, emotional, and economic is not a farce but real.
Another reason I am still agitated about the subject of masks outside of running errands and seeing the lack of covers. While I was going through my Facebook newsfeed, I read a post at the end of April that keeps bothering me. The individual communicated they felt this was like the cold and flu, and that masks were not needed. The individual argument was we do not ask people to wear masks when we have colds. I guess the part that bothered me is the person involved has family members that are cancer survivors. Unsure if the post itself that bothers or even those that agreed. Another aspect is more personal that I have a personal history with the person and family, and their choices negatively impacted my daughter. Have read other posts and even news articles that balance out the no or yes toward masks. So is my mask agitation part anxiety, and this individual’s position brought up feelings of anger I had toward how my daughter was bullied. This anger was the attack on my daughter and the lack of personal responsibility from the family. The situation seems to emotionally separate but linked with the subject of masks that just fueled the anger I thought resolved toward the family. Will you look at that my humanity comes forth and shows I am a flawed individual that has a hard time forgiving those that attack my family.
Deep down, I have to say I am a flawed individual that anxiety still wears on me in regards to the mask in public no matter what. This will be a constant burden just due to the nature of how my anxiety impacts me. Heck mowing the lawn, I am praying no-one is out or looking through their windows because I fear to mow and to look wrong. Yes, it is silly, but even now, I still am agitated and avoid it as long as I can. Also though I know it is irrational, and unless my husband gets to it, my ½ acre of the yard looks like I am trying for hay. Well, now that I have scared you about anxiety and mowing the lawn. I think I will sign off sounds like a safe solution.
Before you go, I did run into a video created by New York Times writers Sanya Dosani and Adam Westbrook. It is a compilation of Ohio’s Dr. Amy Acton, where they condensed seven weeks of briefings and presented the high points of positive reinforcement round out and reinforced that it is okay to feel out of sorts and unsure. Time mark 4:47 has the best reminder that is striving to accept that we are in a new ordinary and that things change. It is okay to feel out of sorts.
herd immunity, NOUN, The resistance to the spread of a contagious disease within a population that results if a sufficiently high proportion of individuals are immune to the disease, primarily through vaccination. ‘the level of vaccination needed to achieve herd immunity varies by disease but ranges from 83 to 94 percent.’
What is personal success? Generalized success is different depending on the culture, society, and experiences, which leads to a question. What does success mean to me?
Before, I start thinking about what personal success looks like to me in a past and future tense. Let’s look at one of those songs that, to me, represent dreaming about success, whether we are young or old. Without any delay, let us watch an iconic song about dreaming. “Rainbow Connection” from Kermit the Frog | The Muppets
This song struck a chord and reminded me of being a teen and young adult and what I thought a dream job and family were. That dream was acres of land that I worked and provided for my family and designed clothes, painted, and pottery. It is not where I am, how did I lose what made me happy or was my Rainbow Connection to the future, when I was young and where I am now. I was concerned that as I went forward with this thought, it would push at my anxiety and depression too hard.
On YouTube, I ran across two songs that will prayerfully remind me as I go through this writing exercise of personal review.
The song is ‘The Sound of Silence.’ Below are two versions because they are opposite ends of the singing style.
Simon and Garfunkel – The Sound of Silence (from The Concert in Central Park)
These two versions presented to me that striving to fit my perception of the world’s idea/definition of success is my past to learn. My history makes me and to learn and adapt to my perceived failure and real achievements. Instead of striving for acceptance of others. Is striving for what places me at peace and able to live successfully with my various health conditions and take care of those around me. Where I am is different from where I thought I would be. My rainbow connection was a dream, but as I grew, decisions made, due to depression and anxiety changed that connection.
Personal success is surprisingly a difficult thing to define for me. Even from a young age, the goals of life have always been set by those around me. The anxiety of not pleasing others would cripple me even still I am overthinking how others will perceive my actions. When looking back and doing a review of then and now, I do not see anything that I can honestly say is my idea. During High School I wanted to pursue clothes design, but my parents said I did not have the right background to succeed at it. My dad said, ‘I was from New Hampshire and did not have the background to fit the people of New York.’ So I just decided to leave that dream. I did a design and made my graduation dress. After I graduated, I went to business school for travel and tourism and worked full-time as a hostess, waitress, bartender, and closing manager. Went to the school that was expected; picked something that would allow me to travel the world and see amazing museums, the beauty of the world, and the food.
When I graduated, I never did anything with the degree. There was no openings at the time for entry-level, and my younger sister needed to live with me, so I got a full and part-time job to support us because she did not want to live with our mom. My mom did not give us anything financially to cover my sister’s expenses, and mom kept our dad’s social security death benefits. Went on for several years toward the end, our mom moved in with us also for several months before they moved to Tennessee. Even looking back on this, I struggle with why I even agreed to all this because I lived in emotional pain the whole time. All I saw was two people that were family that needed help. My sister chose to go back with mom because living with me had too many rules to protect her. After they left was freeing and overwhelming. I continued to be consumed by supporting others, which meant a variety of roommates over the years that was caustic emotionally and financially draining.
Another aspect of life that I took on was assisting my grandparents, who I loved dearly, and were the people who were there for me no matter what growing up and even when I moved away. I spent every weekend with my grandparents when my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer due to working as a carpenter and before people realized that asbestos was a dangerous working material. During this time, I lived only to offer care to my grandparent’s needs and paying my bills. After my grandfather’s passing, I took on the responsibility of my grandmother’s needs that grandpa had always done. I met my husband soon after my grandfather’s passing. So I have lived the last twenty-plus years living my life as I have prior, which is to make my career choices based on my husband’s ideas not through anything nefarious (evil) on his part (before anyone worries ).
I followed my husband’s suggestions because I genuinely did not have any goals that I saw I could do and provide financially to us as a couple, so I was contributing wherever I could get work as a secretary. When we had our daughter, those emotional goals shifted to care for her needs also. The only personal desire I had was to be a stay at home, mom, but my husband did not feel that was necessary and would not support that decision. Part of the employment shift was returning to the retail industry, which would allow me to be home during the day with her. As the years have progressed forward, I went to University for a Bachelor’s Degree, hoping to better myself to get a better job so my husband would be proud of me. He was never very supportive of me being in retail because he perceived me as a worker; I did not do much, and it was easy to work. For those that operate in retail, yes, he is still living, but he is part of our society that does not understand the emotional and physical toll we take as a retail worker.
I finished the degree that I thought would allow me to help more people, but I did not realize that the State of Ohio did not consider it an accredited school. This error by me reinforced my overall feeling of failure I felt as a mother, wife, student, and employee. Reinforced again, when I went searching for work that even though I had a degree due to my ten plus years in retail, I was not considered for positions because ‘I had no real work experience.’ Yes, that was communicated a couple of times, not by interviewers, but when I was trying to network a little bit more politely but still the same.
As time progresses, I am striving to find myself because I am exhausted from deciding my life based on what it means to please others. I feel comfortable moving forward due to my daughter graduating soon, and my husband has accepted me as he calls it ‘investing too much of myself in others.’ I think who I am is someone creative and likes to help others.
This minimal review of who, what, and where I am going with my life reinforces success is a kaleidoscope of options and people impacted by the choices made or experiences caused by others. Things for me to consider as I try to resolve my family, friend, volunteer needs, and balance my emotional needs. For some, this may seem selfish but living and making a decision based on others and rarely on my own. I have made decisions in years past based on a balance of the needs of others, even when it puts me emotionally on the edge of depression. I want to try gearing some of my decisions by flipping the norm of my emotional needs first then, husband, daughter, work, and volunteering. Hmm, where is the answer to ‘What is my definition of personal success?’
Long story short, I do not have an answer to that because I still feel like a failure. Finding my success from my perspective does not exist. I do not have a current definite answer. I want to make it a goal to define that truth but may take time to find a solution.
If I pull back the curtain of depression, I see a glimmer of success and a partial answer to the above question:
College Graduate achieved as a full-time employee, wife, and mom.
Married 22 years (lol he is still breathing even during this time of Stay at Home 2020)
Mom of a teen daughter that still sometimes will talk to me
Managed Depression and Anxiety (daily work in progress)
Enjoy volunteering
Pushed my social anxiety aside and started being creative in a public forum
Seeing past the curtain of anxiety and depression does show some success may not be where I wanted to be in my twenties. Even now, but do have some peace at where I am.
Short Term goals of working toward personal success maintain the above list and expand to include the creativity I had as a teen, support my daughter to become a writer and animator and support my husband to find where he is happy.
Long Term goals of personal success are helping others to see that mental health is okay to have, and mental health used as a motivator of positive change. Other purposes are to pay off our home and remodel to support us till we die, expand my Art to sell, and finish the book around my life and also where God fits in that life that I have worked on for the last ten years.
Book title idea: Journaling from the edge of anxiety and depression.
My concern about my anxiety and depression was there. This took a week to work on and I had some strong ups and downs but I count this a success because I was able to finish this and upload it. Dwelling on the mistakes of the past was actually positive in moving forward.
Thank you for reading and following this blog and keep reaching for the Rainbow Connection of your life. Reach for your dreams, and it is okay if they get reshaped by who you are; it is alright we are all malleable. We need to accept that change/repair is okay when we are crossing the bridge of success. Even bridges need repairs.
Side note comments are linked not sure if I am going to be able to read them. Just to warn those that expect feedback.
failure noun, fail·are | \ ˈfāl-yər \ Definition of failure, 1a: omission of occurrence or performance specifically: a failing to perform a duty or expected action fails to pay the rent on time b (1): a state of inability to perform a typical function kidney failure — compare HEART FAILURE (2): an abrupt cessation of normal functioning a power failure c: a fracturing or giving way under stress structural failure 2 a: lack of success b: a failing in business: BANKRUPTCY
He was trying to rescue the company from failure. 3a: a falling short: DEFICIENCY
success noun suc·cess | \ sək-ˈses \ Definition of success 1 a: degree or measure of succeeding, b: favorable or desired outcome also: the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence 2: one that succeeds 3 obsolete: OUTCOME, RESULT
Journeying through life with mental health is full of smooth and rough patches. Striving to find who we are and live in this blessed life well, even during the turbulent times. Ran across the following video that got me thinking on how to continue to strive to work on and accept who I am, past, present, and future. I always dwell on the what if’s and why did I make that choice. I found this one and got me thinking.
This video follows the journey of a social worker that transitioned to a different path of life as a photographer. Got me thinking maybe in the future develop a deeper understanding of where I am in my journey and how/why. If you did not watch the above link questions, he posted in the project – I am: I regret: and Before I Die: Loved the diversity of responses and reminders we are all different in how our life will, is, and has been living. It is okay to have a difference of opinion. In striving to accept personally, there will always be aspects of decisions, actions, and lack thereof that my mental health challenges will impact. It is okay if an impact made, both good and bad. What we learn, though, is how not to wallow too long in a pit made by a poor decision or lack of an action at the wrong time. Mental health does not seem to like working a beneficial schedule.
Lifes journey will always be before me, and as I move forward and blog as my life ebbs and flows on the shore of success and failure. Learning and patching up the damaged areas can still be termed a success if we allow it. It is finding the strength to keep moving even when some disagree and disregard the progress made. Success is as simple to some as getting up in the morning and getting dressed on the awful days. Success can be reaching out to a friend, professional, or a helpline when one’s strength seems non-existent. Success and Celebration of life are going forward even during a rough patch. Our journey of life or the shipwreck on the shore of life can be anything we make it just look for the sunshine through the gloom.
My 2020 response to the three questions the man put forth.
I am Mother, Wife, College Student, Employee, a weak follower of Christ, and Unsure of where I am going.
I regret not living my life as I dreamed and doing what everyone told me, or I perceived what I should do to please those around me, not myself.
Before I Die, I want to purchase 300-500 acres of land to make a nature preserve. On a couple of those acres, a rustic campground, an area designed for photographers, bookstore/coffee shop for groups to meet, and it overlooks the beauty of nature, and live off the land.
I would love to celebrate the joy I have found in blogging/journaling. It has been beneficial in reinforcing everyday success if we are alive and can be in the now and move forward even after a stall. Sample: Monday 5/4/2020 looked like it was going to be another failure of my positive movement made last week. When I got back from work, I only accomplished running three errands for my husband and daughter and a two-hour nap. In turn, I got to thinking I must live the words written. May seem small, but Monday was a success when looked at in hindsight. Success is I went to work on three hours of sleep, ran errands, folded some laundry, used a mask even though I struggled with my anxiety of looking out of place, and I worked on my blog.
I have included the comments section this time in case anyone wants to post an I am, I regret, and before I die exercise. I am hoping I am not infringing on this gentleman’s talent or idea. It was beneficial for me to think about my past, future, and present. I will attempt to read the comments section but still unsure I am strong enough to do so.
Thank you to all that have liked my posts. I much appreciate the support. I am sorry that even now, I am still not worked through my anxiety enough to allow the comments section to be part of the posts—one of my many flaws that at some point will work through.
Was listening to 5/1/2020 NBC Nightly News https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RE7WYcGJV2I that brought a troubling question to the diversity of our country’s thinking – time stamp 4.03 Major Reopening. The topic was the re-opening of our country, protests, and the states slowly easing the shelter in place orders what I struggle with how I feel about the distinct separation in how people think about the re-opening of our country. I understand just going out and about as desired, but we still have a large segment of our country that is immune-compromised, and the knowledge about COVID-19 is still limited. The opening of our country is well financially and needs doing. Additionally, groups are talking about going out with a mask is unnecessary. I wish more people would wear masks at least in the area of the country (Northern Ohio) that I am in just on May 01, 2020, of our change in a stay at home order to stay safe traffic doubled when I had to leave for work as a Home Health Aide.
Protests are freedom of our country Praise God, would like a little more diverse reporting of each viewpoint from tv. Why did several groups of protesters choose to go armed into the State Capitol of Michigan, Austin, Pittsburgh, and more? Did find a historical reason for the armed protests by TImothy C Hemmis, he wrote a ‘The Founders drew a line between peaceful protests and armed insurrection.’ The article gave a fascinating history to the initial thoughts behind protests. With some googling, I did find another piece that gave a more detailed perspective on why people felt they need to assemble armed currently. The article is ‘Michigan militia puts armed protests in the spotlight’ by Sara Burnett. What I was able to glean from this article is that there is a segment of our society that feels the stay at home order has attacked our freedom. Is the stay at home order an attack on liberty when things could have been so much worse in regards to our health? Then how should our politicians handle the pandemic? So where does this put me personally in regards to my anxiety, depression, and how I move forward when I either agree or disagree with attitudes around me?
I praise God that we live in a country that allows the freedom of our voice, so most are represented. Some of these voices may be stifled from time to time. Big business and our politicians who are supported by big companies do not want to see or hear those that are the backbone of the country, the hourly worker. We see this in a small aspect of how we praise the hospital (nursing and doctors) and police/firefighters. DO NOT get me wrong they should be appreciated; they are not paid enough for what we ask of them to do even if this pandemic was not happening. But very little praise goes to the eight to ten dollar worker retail, sanitation, factory, etc., that is also working under dangerous conditions or are unemployed. Nevermind in a month our police, fireman, nurses, and city workers will be unemployed due to state or hospital budget cuts that need balanced. Our federal government not supporting the state and hospital leaders. The money voted on was sent with strict guidelines that do not truly help our state budgets. State leaders who have been on the front lines of making the tough decisions about stay at home orders which impact their state economy and budgetary needs.
Reviewing information and journaling has helped me and the anxiety about where my place is in all this current and future chaos. Honestly, I think I will be better off keeping to my initial plan of just listening to my state afternoon news conference and maybe listen nightly to one of the world news reports. Much of what I have journaled above has been there for years and even centuries and not changed much. Accepting that I am a low paid minion, entry-level worker, law-abiding citizen of our country that our federal politicians have lost sight of what our country stands on. Our country began and is supposed to stand on the Declaration of Independence of 1776. ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that their Creator endows them with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.’ (https://www.archives.gov/founding-docs/declaration-transcript). I am not in a position to do much else except to vote when it is time and with research vote and make choices that are best for the reliable working of our government, not fractured petty children masked as adults. Both Federal, State, and Local government officials are to serve all people, not just the stockholders and moneymakers. Beyond voting and speaking out after research, my other personal responsibility is to care for my family and the responsibilities I have to those around me.
Emotionally that is all I can work with is me, family, work, and home first. One of the other aspects that came to mind while I was listening to the NBC News report is one woman’s comment at – time stamp 6:22. Her comment about how freeing it felt to be out. I think many of us can relate to after the last 5-7 weeks of staying at home and many more to come. All I ask is that some of us remember this after we begin to return to our’ new normal’. There are those in our society that are always staying at home not by choice. For emotional health reasons, physical reasons, hospitals, or nursing homes. Let’s try to reach out to those homebound or in hospitals. They would love to hear or read something and remembered other than the big holidays. Those that are homebound feel forgotten over the years, and now that we as a nation have had a small taste of what it feels emotionally and physically trapped in one’s home. Remember their, being home has been for years. Maybe it is time to reach out even it is to reach out to them by phone, flowers, or letter. Caring is not wrong; it takes a little bit of effort. Because even though they may have an ‘aide’ come to their home to help with primary care, that is not the same as a friend or family member to remember them.
Keep striving to find what motivates, calms, and feels personally successful. Our successes are as an individual. All we can do is share our journey with those listening; hope it helps. Reframe life from sorrow to celebration as you picture it. Our experiences painful or beautiful can build a fantastic frame of beauty; even cracks are marks of beauty and resilience.
To end these thoughts on an upbeat note here is Matthew West – Quarantine Life. Hopefully, you get a chuckle from this as we move forward and find an equilibrium that works for us as individuals. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyuaDo1eLEI I find these songs uplifting not depressing because it does show that even though our environment/home may look different many of us are going through that same feeling of loss of get up and go when we want.
Random Observations 
