Monday started, sitting and reviewing last week and daily task list and projects. Still feeling tired, headache, and distracted thinking. Concern that I am going to push myself to fast and crash physically as I have in the past, frustrating and disappointing. I have so many things I want to do.
With great difficulty, I am not going to add any projects I was planning to integrate into this week. Hopefully, this will stop the physical crash I am often dealing with routinely. The other concern more than the physical exhaustion is managing my depression and anxiety because lowering my activities make me feel like a failure. Continually keeping my thoughts of failure, at-bay, will be the ultimate success.
Tuesday struggle day started at 5 am no energy or desire to get up. I did get up for work. I got home at 12:30 pm to a problem with the kitchen sink. Fortunately, my husband was working on it but as always got upset with myself, thinking I could have known about the issue before I left for work. I know deep down that it is illogical. So success was I did not let that thought stay long. Another success was my daughter did complete some more assignments. So I was able to reward her. So many things need doing, and I had no energy. The day ended after ordering food and picking up, cleaning up the kitchen, posting blog/journal entry, and having late lunch at 4 pm. I felt exhausted and nodded off at my desk. Such tough decisions lay down for 30 minutes before I did write up a list of what came to mind what needed doing. I hope that once I get back up, I will have a chance to move forward. Unsure where this great exhaustion is coming from hope I can walk through it. See how the rest of the week shapes up.
Wednesday through Friday was more of a repeat on the level of exhaustion and errands that need run. No sense repeating Monday and Tuesday in writing. Wednesday did have one aspect that I thought would take me out of the picture for awhile emotionally. A 4-year friendship that had ended mid-March for a variety of reasons resurfaced negatively. For most of Wednesday, late afternoon, and evening, I tried to understand what I had done wrong for this return. Almost called off work for the rest of the week.
Through the internal review, I have determined not to let the situation destroy the progress I had emotionally achieved with my mental health since our friendship had ended. I had to accept that this individual’s emotional needs and negative perception of life were not something I was emotionally in a position to support personally. I had slowly been pulled further into my depression in trying to help this individual. In accepting that I was not responsible for how others perceived the situations around themselves was beneficial. Personal emotional health was essential and that sometimes we run into situations or individuals that we permanently or temporarily cannot be around. It is okay we are stronger when we understand who we are and what we are capable of deciding or accomplishing.
Success or failure is my goal for these reviews. Ask me at the beginning of the week it would have been a resounding failure. This failure determination would have been false. The week was a success. Emotionally and mentally health-wise, I am amazed and thrilled that I did not dwell on what happened with the past friendship or call asking for forgiveness that was not needed. Personally, it was a lot of prayer and a review of my goals for myself emotionally.
Physically also was a success if we squint. I was able to maintain my daily home care tasks. I was also able to spend some time emptying some boxes and prepare for a massive Goodwill run.
Saturday morning, with my sleep apnea untreated till our hospitals return to standard testing. I need to accept and make it work with what I have for physical and mental energy. As mentioned previously, I do have medication for insomnia, which makes me extremely tired the next day, so working 7a- noon Monday to Friday does not give me the ability to take them. I did take them Friday night and slept in Saturday morning but had more energy than the rest of this week. Success for accepting I have limitations. With those limitations, though, I can strive to determine a plan to keep working on adding more to my day. It just takes longer than I would like.
Journey this week was filled with potholes of pain but was patched over with feelings of success for not regressing.
Thank you to all who take the time to read. I have included a song from Meghan Trainor – Treat Myself. This song represents how I felt on Friday when I just rested for the day with minimal guilt.