Author: Random Observations
Currently, a creative outlet to present observations and ideas that resonate with those that feel they have lost their voice as a worker, bounce ideas of living life well. Additionally working through my anxiety, depression, sleep apnea, and, hypothyroidism.
Do like to give a warning, reading comments is extremely difficult for me. So if I do not respond it is not out of malicious intent just striving not to give my anxiety a foothold by reading the negative comments. To avoid negative right now means avoiding them all. I do greatly appreciate those that take the time to read, comment, and like for updates.
What is personal success?
What is personal success? Generalized success is different depending on the culture, society, and experiences, which leads to a question. What does success mean to me?
Before, I start thinking about what personal success looks like to me in a past and future tense. Let’s look at one of those songs that, to me, represent dreaming about success, whether we are young or old. Without any delay, let us watch an iconic song about dreaming. “Rainbow Connection” from Kermit the Frog | The Muppets
This song struck a chord and reminded me of being a teen and young adult and what I thought a dream job and family were. That dream was acres of land that I worked and provided for my family and designed clothes, painted, and pottery. It is not where I am, how did I lose what made me happy or was my Rainbow Connection to the future, when I was young and where I am now. I was concerned that as I went forward with this thought, it would push at my anxiety and depression too hard.
On YouTube, I ran across two songs that will prayerfully remind me as I go through this writing exercise of personal review.
The song is ‘The Sound of Silence.’ Below are two versions because they are opposite ends of the singing style.
Simon and Garfunkel – The Sound of Silence (from The Concert in Central Park)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAEppFUWLfc
and
Disturbed – The Sound Of Silence [Official Music Video] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9Dg-g7t2l4
These two versions presented to me that striving to fit my perception of the world’s idea/definition of success is my past to learn. My history makes me and to learn and adapt to my perceived failure and real achievements. Instead of striving for acceptance of others. Is striving for what places me at peace and able to live successfully with my various health conditions and take care of those around me. Where I am is different from where I thought I would be. My rainbow connection was a dream, but as I grew, decisions made, due to depression and anxiety changed that connection.
Personal success is surprisingly a difficult thing to define for me. Even from a young age, the goals of life have always been set by those around me. The anxiety of not pleasing others would cripple me even still I am overthinking how others will perceive my actions. When looking back and doing a review of then and now, I do not see anything that I can honestly say is my idea. During High School I wanted to pursue clothes design, but my parents said I did not have the right background to succeed at it. My dad said, ‘I was from New Hampshire and did not have the background to fit the people of New York.’ So I just decided to leave that dream. I did a design and made my graduation dress. After I graduated, I went to business school for travel and tourism and worked full-time as a hostess, waitress, bartender, and closing manager. Went to the school that was expected; picked something that would allow me to travel the world and see amazing museums, the beauty of the world, and the food.
When I graduated, I never did anything with the degree. There was no openings at the time for entry-level, and my younger sister needed to live with me, so I got a full and part-time job to support us because she did not want to live with our mom. My mom did not give us anything financially to cover my sister’s expenses, and mom kept our dad’s social security death benefits. Went on for several years toward the end, our mom moved in with us also for several months before they moved to Tennessee. Even looking back on this, I struggle with why I even agreed to all this because I lived in emotional pain the whole time. All I saw was two people that were family that needed help. My sister chose to go back with mom because living with me had too many rules to protect her. After they left was freeing and overwhelming. I continued to be consumed by supporting others, which meant a variety of roommates over the years that was caustic emotionally and financially draining.
Another aspect of life that I took on was assisting my grandparents, who I loved dearly, and were the people who were there for me no matter what growing up and even when I moved away. I spent every weekend with my grandparents when my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer due to working as a carpenter and before people realized that asbestos was a dangerous working material. During this time, I lived only to offer care to my grandparent’s needs and paying my bills. After my grandfather’s passing, I took on the responsibility of my grandmother’s needs that grandpa had always done. I met my husband soon after my grandfather’s passing. So I have lived the last twenty-plus years living my life as I have prior, which is to make my career choices based on my husband’s ideas not through anything nefarious (evil) on his part (before anyone worries ).
I followed my husband’s suggestions because I genuinely did not have any goals that I saw I could do and provide financially to us as a couple, so I was contributing wherever I could get work as a secretary. When we had our daughter, those emotional goals shifted to care for her needs also. The only personal desire I had was to be a stay at home, mom, but my husband did not feel that was necessary and would not support that decision. Part of the employment shift was returning to the retail industry, which would allow me to be home during the day with her. As the years have progressed forward, I went to University for a Bachelor’s Degree, hoping to better myself to get a better job so my husband would be proud of me. He was never very supportive of me being in retail because he perceived me as a worker; I did not do much, and it was easy to work. For those that operate in retail, yes, he is still living, but he is part of our society that does not understand the emotional and physical toll we take as a retail worker.
I finished the degree that I thought would allow me to help more people, but I did not realize that the State of Ohio did not consider it an accredited school. This error by me reinforced my overall feeling of failure I felt as a mother, wife, student, and employee. Reinforced again, when I went searching for work that even though I had a degree due to my ten plus years in retail, I was not considered for positions because ‘I had no real work experience.’ Yes, that was communicated a couple of times, not by interviewers, but when I was trying to network a little bit more politely but still the same.
As time progresses, I am striving to find myself because I am exhausted from deciding my life based on what it means to please others. I feel comfortable moving forward due to my daughter graduating soon, and my husband has accepted me as he calls it ‘investing too much of myself in others.’ I think who I am is someone creative and likes to help others.
This minimal review of who, what, and where I am going with my life reinforces success is a kaleidoscope of options and people impacted by the choices made or experiences caused by others. Things for me to consider as I try to resolve my family, friend, volunteer needs, and balance my emotional needs. For some, this may seem selfish but living and making a decision based on others and rarely on my own. I have made decisions in years past based on a balance of the needs of others, even when it puts me emotionally on the edge of depression. I want to try gearing some of my decisions by flipping the norm of my emotional needs first then, husband, daughter, work, and volunteering. Hmm, where is the answer to ‘What is my definition of personal success?’
Long story short, I do not have an answer to that because I still feel like a failure. Finding my success from my perspective does not exist. I do not have a current definite answer. I want to make it a goal to define that truth but may take time to find a solution.
If I pull back the curtain of depression, I see a glimmer of success and a partial answer to the above question:
- College Graduate achieved as a full-time employee, wife, and mom.
- Married 22 years (lol he is still breathing even during this time of Stay at Home 2020)
- Mom of a teen daughter that still sometimes will talk to me
- Managed Depression and Anxiety (daily work in progress)
- Enjoy volunteering
- Pushed my social anxiety aside and started being creative in a public forum
Seeing past the curtain of anxiety and depression does show some success may not be where I wanted to be in my twenties. Even now, but do have some peace at where I am.
Short Term goals of working toward personal success maintain the above list and expand to include the creativity I had as a teen, support my daughter to become a writer and animator and support my husband to find where he is happy.
Long Term goals of personal success are helping others to see that mental health is okay to have, and mental health used as a motivator of positive change. Other purposes are to pay off our home and remodel to support us till we die, expand my Art to sell, and finish the book around my life and also where God fits in that life that I have worked on for the last ten years.
Book title idea: Journaling from the edge of anxiety and depression.
My concern about my anxiety and depression was there. This took a week to work on and I had some strong ups and downs but I count this a success because I was able to finish this and upload it. Dwelling on the mistakes of the past was actually positive in moving forward.
Thank you for reading and following this blog and keep reaching for the Rainbow Connection of your life. Reach for your dreams, and it is okay if they get reshaped by who you are; it is alright we are all malleable. We need to accept that change/repair is okay when we are crossing the bridge of success. Even bridges need repairs.
Side note comments are linked not sure if I am going to be able to read them. Just to warn those that expect feedback.
References
11 GREAT THOUGHTS THAT CHANGED MY PERCEPTION ON SUCCESS, February 19, 2013, Mousumi Saha Kumar, http://brainprick.com/11-great-thoughts-that-changed-my-perception-on-success/
Merriam Webster Dictionary, 4/25/2020
failure noun, fail·are | \ ˈfāl-yər \ Definition of failure, 1a: omission of occurrence or performance specifically: a failing to perform a duty or expected action fails to pay the rent on time b (1): a state of inability to perform a typical function kidney failure — compare HEART FAILURE (2): an abrupt cessation of normal functioning a power failure c: a fracturing or giving way under stress structural failure 2 a: lack of success b: a failing in business: BANKRUPTCY
He was trying to rescue the company from failure. 3a: a falling short: DEFICIENCY
a crop failure b: DETERIORATION, DECAY 4: one that had failed. He felt like a failure when he wasn’t accepted into law school. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/failure,
success noun suc·cess | \ sək-ˈses \ Definition of success 1 a: degree or measure of succeeding, b: favorable or desired outcome also: the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence 2: one that succeeds 3 obsolete: OUTCOME, RESULT
Living Life
Journeying through life with mental health is full of smooth and rough patches. Striving to find who we are and live in this blessed life well, even during the turbulent times. Ran across the following video that got me thinking on how to continue to strive to work on and accept who I am, past, present, and future. I always dwell on the what if’s and why did I make that choice. I found this one and got me thinking.
The I Am Project (Texas Country Reporter) from March 30, 2020
This video follows the journey of a social worker that transitioned to a different path of life as a photographer. Got me thinking maybe in the future develop a deeper understanding of where I am in my journey and how/why. If you did not watch the above link questions, he posted in the project – I am: I regret: and Before I Die: Loved the diversity of responses and reminders we are all different in how our life will, is, and has been living. It is okay to have a difference of opinion. In striving to accept personally, there will always be aspects of decisions, actions, and lack thereof that my mental health challenges will impact. It is okay if an impact made, both good and bad. What we learn, though, is how not to wallow too long in a pit made by a poor decision or lack of an action at the wrong time. Mental health does not seem to like working a beneficial schedule.
Lifes journey will always be before me, and as I move forward and blog as my life ebbs and flows on the shore of success and failure. Learning and patching up the damaged areas can still be termed a success if we allow it. It is finding the strength to keep moving even when some disagree and disregard the progress made. Success is as simple to some as getting up in the morning and getting dressed on the awful days. Success can be reaching out to a friend, professional, or a helpline when one’s strength seems non-existent. Success and Celebration of life are going forward even during a rough patch. Our journey of life or the shipwreck on the shore of life can be anything we make it just look for the sunshine through the gloom.
My 2020 response to the three questions the man put forth.
I am Mother, Wife, College Student, Employee, a weak follower of Christ, and Unsure of where I am going.
I regret not living my life as I dreamed and doing what everyone told me, or I perceived what I should do to please those around me, not myself.
Before I Die, I want to purchase 300-500 acres of land to make a nature preserve. On a couple of those acres, a rustic campground, an area designed for photographers, bookstore/coffee shop for groups to meet, and it overlooks the beauty of nature, and live off the land.
I would love to celebrate the joy I have found in blogging/journaling. It has been beneficial in reinforcing everyday success if we are alive and can be in the now and move forward even after a stall. Sample: Monday 5/4/2020 looked like it was going to be another failure of my positive movement made last week. When I got back from work, I only accomplished running three errands for my husband and daughter and a two-hour nap. In turn, I got to thinking I must live the words written. May seem small, but Monday was a success when looked at in hindsight. Success is I went to work on three hours of sleep, ran errands, folded some laundry, used a mask even though I struggled with my anxiety of looking out of place, and I worked on my blog.
I have included the comments section this time in case anyone wants to post an I am, I regret, and before I die exercise. I am hoping I am not infringing on this gentleman’s talent or idea. It was beneficial for me to think about my past, future, and present. I will attempt to read the comments section but still unsure I am strong enough to do so.
Thoughts for Saturday
Thank you to all that have liked my posts. I much appreciate the support. I am sorry that even now, I am still not worked through my anxiety enough to allow the comments section to be part of the posts—one of my many flaws that at some point will work through.
Was listening to 5/1/2020 NBC Nightly News https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RE7WYcGJV2I that brought a troubling question to the diversity of our country’s thinking – time stamp 4.03 Major Reopening. The topic was the re-opening of our country, protests, and the states slowly easing the shelter in place orders what I struggle with how I feel about the distinct separation in how people think about the re-opening of our country. I understand just going out and about as desired, but we still have a large segment of our country that is immune-compromised, and the knowledge about COVID-19 is still limited. The opening of our country is well financially and needs doing. Additionally, groups are talking about going out with a mask is unnecessary. I wish more people would wear masks at least in the area of the country (Northern Ohio) that I am in just on May 01, 2020, of our change in a stay at home order to stay safe traffic doubled when I had to leave for work as a Home Health Aide.
Protests are freedom of our country Praise God, would like a little more diverse reporting of each viewpoint from tv. Why did several groups of protesters choose to go armed into the State Capitol of Michigan, Austin, Pittsburgh, and more? Did find a historical reason for the armed protests by TImothy C Hemmis, he wrote a ‘The Founders drew a line between peaceful protests and armed insurrection.’ The article gave a fascinating history to the initial thoughts behind protests. With some googling, I did find another piece that gave a more detailed perspective on why people felt they need to assemble armed currently. The article is ‘Michigan militia puts armed protests in the spotlight’ by Sara Burnett. What I was able to glean from this article is that there is a segment of our society that feels the stay at home order has attacked our freedom. Is the stay at home order an attack on liberty when things could have been so much worse in regards to our health? Then how should our politicians handle the pandemic? So where does this put me personally in regards to my anxiety, depression, and how I move forward when I either agree or disagree with attitudes around me?
I praise God that we live in a country that allows the freedom of our voice, so most are represented. Some of these voices may be stifled from time to time. Big business and our politicians who are supported by big companies do not want to see or hear those that are the backbone of the country, the hourly worker. We see this in a small aspect of how we praise the hospital (nursing and doctors) and police/firefighters. DO NOT get me wrong they should be appreciated; they are not paid enough for what we ask of them to do even if this pandemic was not happening. But very little praise goes to the eight to ten dollar worker retail, sanitation, factory, etc., that is also working under dangerous conditions or are unemployed. Nevermind in a month our police, fireman, nurses, and city workers will be unemployed due to state or hospital budget cuts that need balanced. Our federal government not supporting the state and hospital leaders. The money voted on was sent with strict guidelines that do not truly help our state budgets. State leaders who have been on the front lines of making the tough decisions about stay at home orders which impact their state economy and budgetary needs.
Reviewing information and journaling has helped me and the anxiety about where my place is in all this current and future chaos. Honestly, I think I will be better off keeping to my initial plan of just listening to my state afternoon news conference and maybe listen nightly to one of the world news reports. Much of what I have journaled above has been there for years and even centuries and not changed much. Accepting that I am a low paid minion, entry-level worker, law-abiding citizen of our country that our federal politicians have lost sight of what our country stands on. Our country began and is supposed to stand on the Declaration of Independence of 1776. ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that their Creator endows them with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.’ (https://www.archives.gov/founding-docs/declaration-transcript). I am not in a position to do much else except to vote when it is time and with research vote and make choices that are best for the reliable working of our government, not fractured petty children masked as adults. Both Federal, State, and Local government officials are to serve all people, not just the stockholders and moneymakers. Beyond voting and speaking out after research, my other personal responsibility is to care for my family and the responsibilities I have to those around me.
Emotionally that is all I can work with is me, family, work, and home first. One of the other aspects that came to mind while I was listening to the NBC News report is one woman’s comment at – time stamp 6:22. Her comment about how freeing it felt to be out. I think many of us can relate to after the last 5-7 weeks of staying at home and many more to come. All I ask is that some of us remember this after we begin to return to our’ new normal’. There are those in our society that are always staying at home not by choice. For emotional health reasons, physical reasons, hospitals, or nursing homes. Let’s try to reach out to those homebound or in hospitals. They would love to hear or read something and remembered other than the big holidays. Those that are homebound feel forgotten over the years, and now that we as a nation have had a small taste of what it feels emotionally and physically trapped in one’s home. Remember their, being home has been for years. Maybe it is time to reach out even it is to reach out to them by phone, flowers, or letter. Caring is not wrong; it takes a little bit of effort. Because even though they may have an ‘aide’ come to their home to help with primary care, that is not the same as a friend or family member to remember them.
Keep striving to find what motivates, calms, and feels personally successful. Our successes are as an individual. All we can do is share our journey with those listening; hope it helps. Reframe life from sorrow to celebration as you picture it. Our experiences painful or beautiful can build a fantastic frame of beauty; even cracks are marks of beauty and resilience.
To end these thoughts on an upbeat note here is Matthew West – Quarantine Life. Hopefully, you get a chuckle from this as we move forward and find an equilibrium that works for us as individuals. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyuaDo1eLEI I find these songs uplifting not depressing because it does show that even though our environment/home may look different many of us are going through that same feeling of loss of get up and go when we want.
References
NBC Nightly News Broadcast (Full) May 01, 2020, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RE7WYcGJV2I
NBC Nightly News Broadcast (Full) May 02, 2020,
The Founders drew a line between peaceful protest and armed rebellion, By Timothy C. Hemmis, April 30, 2020, at 6:00 a.m. EDT, https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2020/04/30/founders-drew-line-between-peaceful-protest-armed-insurrection/.
Michigan militia puts armed protest in the spotlight, BY SARA BURNETT ASSOCIATED PRESS, MAY 02, 2020 01:05 a.m., UPDATED 9 HOURS 26 MINUTES AGO, https://www.charlotteobserver.com/news/article242455851.html.
Declaration of Independence, National Archives, America’s Founding Documents, https://www.archives.gov/founding-docs/declaration-transcript
Matthew West – Quarantine Life https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyuaDo1eLEI
Planning who needs planning?
Planning, Moving Forward, or Stagnating?
The week has started positively. I had a plan; pulled out a Daily list I created several years ago. My Daily Lists are so I do not forget what I feel is needed and not get distracted. Some may find it silly or extensive. For me, I have always had records of one sort, either too long, detailed, or short. Started them ages ago so everything could get done in a day. I get distracted as I go about my day or feel as I have forgotten something, lists allow me to stay on target and not get distracted by something new that I see need doing and how long of a break I can do in between each task. At least that is the plan, but unlike the A-team and Hanibal Smith, my ideas very rarely come together Hannibal: “I love it when a plan comes together!”.
Examples of distractions caused by the over-thinking mind; a simple manner, a couple of months ago, I saw several smudges on the bathroom mirror at 6 am and proceeded to clean it, in turn, waking my husband. He had two more hours before he needed to be up for work. Realistically the glass could have waited to a better time in the morning, but I felt compelled to clean it. A great example is deep cleaning the kitchen counters and floors. I will go to put something away in the Pantry and then start pulling that apart or deep cleaning, which is an all-day project. Which in turn, my deep cleaning the counters and drawers never get finished. The last example is on the opposite end if I am feeling exhausted, allergies, severe headache, or depressed, my breaks never stop, and the day ends up wasted.
Monday (4/27) was a fantastic day was able to keep to my daily list but also added two items not planned. I started the set-up of my back patio. Additionally begun working on a room that needed partially emptied and re-arrange a room that works better for my husband, who will continue to work from home till June 8. Maybe even longer though Ohio has started opening corporate offices up as of May 4, with the caveat that those that can continue to work from home do so. My head does feel congested from working around outside and the dust from moving boxes out of the spare room. Feel successful, just tired. I finished the day with my job as a Home Health Aide helping an individual to bed.
I look forward to how the rest of the week goes.
Tuesday (4/28) is emotionally a struggle for energy and motivation. Early am worked 5 hours as a Home Health Aide. When arriving home, I was barely able to work on emptying the room that started yesterday. Got home at 12:15 pm from work; it is 2:15 pm right now and struggling with the thoughts that I am failing to accomplish anything. Now writing that I realize I am too hard on myself. It is okay to take a break before preparing for the rest of the day. Well, time to move forward choosing to put some books away and fold laundry; while listening to the OH Governor News Conference. Hopefully, This will help me by not sitting listening, and if I keep moving, I can accomplish more and not fall asleep or just read as I have in the past when I sit down mid-afternoon. I got the books done, but not the folding felt ache, headache, and tired, so I finished listening to the conference and cleaned up my email of junk mail. Previously I mentioned watching the news conference at dinner for some reason that did not seem to work, unsure why. Successfully shopped for burger supplies, grilled, and cleaned up. Still feel tired and distracted going to call Tuesday a success. I will see the progress made on Wednesday and see what successful routine I can build around my work schedule and the needs of the family home.
Wednesday (4/29) I am a little concerned about how productive today will be, slow start tired, headache, and ache. Groggy thinking it is because I took my insomnia medication took a 20-minute catnap while listening to someone reading scripture verses the tone is soothing (down below is the link). I do not feel as tired still have a slight headache. I am going to try moving forward with just a decongestant. Try to limit my aspirin, Tylenol, Advil use, in years past my headaches had me taking 8-10 Tylenol in one sitting only to dull the ache. Well going to try moving through my morning routine again, see if I can manage more. I am still tired and distracted. Fortunately, it is only mid-morning. I was going to try another catnap since I was able to accomplish several things. Struggling with not letting my anxiety and self-worth overpower the success I have had in thinking positively. Successfully moving forward, I took my husband, asking me to finish the project started on Monday. I am comfortable with what completed as always would love to have done more, but at least I did not stop like I usual. I finished the day with my job as a Home Health Aide helping an individual to bed.
I look forward to how the rest of the week goes.
Thursday (4/30) is emotionally a struggle for energy and motivation. Probably because I did not take my insomnia medication and woke at 1 am and 3:30 am. My early am work of 5 hours as a Home Health Aide was okay; I got home at 12:15 pm from work. Upon reaching home was extremely tired and the beginning of a migraine, so I chose to nap for an hour. Taking a nap is difficult emotionally; I always feel lazy and worthless for not being able to push forward as I used to. I did except that this was the right decision because I was able to get up work on some additional tasks around the house. For once am looking forward to how Friday proceeds.
Friday (5/1) This day has gone well so far. I was able to accomplish sorting the boxes taken out of the spare room at the beginning of the week. I have successfully kept sorting and daily home care, which, for me, is excellent. I feel successful, which may seem small, but I am thrilled that I was able to maintain movement and not give in to my lethargy and headaches. We shall see how the weekend and next week comes may or may not be with as much detail, will depend I have asked to take on another 15 hours of work next week. So this will either help or hinder the progress I have made.
Stil an internal struggle I am used to 10 to 12 hour days that are 5 to 6 days a week, since the late ’80s. When for the last four years and more so the previous two years, I become exhausted quickly and fall asleep or lose track of time when I sit. Decreasing my work hours, tasks, and accomplishing so little pushes my anxiety and depression about my self worth and value to my family. Accepting these limitations continues to take time. It does not mean I will not keep trying new things to gain back at least half my energy back. Working toward a better method of still caring for the family, blessed with using the current power and emotional structure I have currently in case I am unable to return to my previous level of energy. Plan for the worst and celebrate personal perfect.
So to wrap up this week, I am comfortable with what I have been able to accomplish, and my anxiety and depression have been at a positive level with only some minor dips, which is excellent. To round out the last five days on a funny note in this time of COVID-19 stay at home I ran across YouTube song Quartine Song (Epic Parody) by Peter Hollens, for me, this struck my funny bone. Enjoy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjpvTQisBng,
For the future, I have a variety of ideas hoping to work toward, depending on how my anxiety lets me. One, I am thinking of putting my blog to YouTube, just a reading of what I wrote to help those that find reading difficult. Two, I have some phrases that I may turn into t-shirts or mugs. Three, I used to enjoy reading scripture or books that match my life questions, and struggles might return to that and post on a separate page. The scripture on a separate page will allow those who want to read do so but not offend those who are not comfortable with that. Four, allowing comments to be left on my posts. Just not there yet.
Prayerfully everyone is well during this time of challenge, struggles, questions, success, and just finding who we are and being at peace with what our mind and experiences will shape us to be.
Reference
The A-Team (TV Series 1983–1987) – IMDb, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084967
Jan 23, 1983 · A significant discovery for “The A-Team” was Dwight Schultz, as ‘Howling Mad Murdock.’ A remarkably versatile actor, Schultz was adept at accents, physical humor, and rapid-fire one-liners, and his exchanges with Mr. T were funny without ever being demeaning.
Classic TV info, http://www.classictv.info/show/quotes.asp?show=16
4/28/2020 Ohio News Conference https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DF9q4eXF_I
Scriptures reading on YouTube find this voice soothing, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovgqsFEu9QE
Success or Failure…??
What was to post two weeks ago
A brief overview of Tuesday (4/7/2020) due to it being an emotional struggle for me; accomplished nothing but a 5 hour workday as a Home Health Aide. When I got home, I felt exhausted and had a severe headache that was close to a migraine. Upon arriving back, I worked on a freelance project, my blog, and watched the 2 pm OH News Conference after that cooked dinner for the family. My emotional struggle for me is I have always been busy, with work, family, volunteering, handling the housework/budget, and mine and my daughter’s schooling being very busy all day. Not giving myself time to be harmful unless I took the time to sit still; this is how I kept the bulk of my depression symptoms masked. Over a year and a half ago, my mild daily headaches turned severe with exhaustion and periodic loss of time.
This exhaustion has caused me to go from a 40-50 hour workweek to a 15 – 25 hour work week and decrease other aspects of my life. So the question on my bad days is, why am I such a failure and not push through this. When going to the doctors when this truly impacted my daily living, we began the Russian roulette of diagnosis. The first thyroid had it since the ’80s with and without medication and found medication always made my emotions worse numbers may be right, but my depression, exhaustion, and weight increased. Then a full blood panel showed low vitamin D only. Well, will you look at that they moved onto anxiety and depression which yes I have lived with since late teens; with and without medication over the years. Having been off all medications for 17 years in my eyes successfully, I was able to live life maybe not entirely, but I lived well. So back to medicine and waiting for testing for sleep apnea, which I have been treated for previously but not successfully. I feel like a failure that my exhaustion and headaches have not left and had to return to thyroid and depression medication.
What can I do to get myself to a place of peace since my current personal situation is anxiety and depression inducing? Took Tuesday night and part of this morning (Wednesday, 4/8/2020) that it is okay that I had limited success Wednesday will hopefully be better. Even though I am on 3 hours of sleep from a late-night thunderstorm and tornado warning, attempting to organize my day with 2-3 items to do that, I will work on then finish, a 20-minute break. The 2 pm News Conference I am going to watch while I am eating dinner instead of at 2 see if that helps give me more working time in the day. Brainstormed a list of tasks I wanted to accomplish today. Going to document how long it takes my responsibilities to complete so I can hopefully get an idea of where I am wasting time.
So two weeks later, I am just now returning to do things outside of getting up, laundry, cooking, daughter’s schooling, working, and sleeping. Exhaustion seems to have become my friend instead of moving forward toward adding activity to my day. The internal question is, am I a success or failure? Let’s touch base with Webster’s Dictionary and a definition because I see failure. Failure is a lack of success, according to Webster. With that in mind, what is success? Success is a favorable or desirable ending. These got me to thinking that failure and success are a personal choice and perception of the situation around you. Maybe a review of the past two weeks will help me determine my perception better of whether I am a success or failure.
Am I placing a false perception of my success? What I am thinking is that my depression and anxiety can trap me in my home and a private room for fear of failure and embarrassing myself.
When looking over the two weeks of activity and perceived inactivity
- Ran my family errands and went to work.
- Success
- Filled my vitamin and medication daily pill container
- Failure
- Took my required prescriptions
- Success
- Deep Cleaned, tossed out, recycled, downsized, and organized rooms
- Failure
- Maintained Family Dishes, Laundry, and necessary cleaning
- Success
- Took care of a sick dog
- Success
- Kept up on daughter’s high school classwork monitoring
- Success
- I wore a mask and gloves as requested by the CDC and State of OH even though I felt silly looking and think I was being stared at; side note the bag I put together, and I mentioned in a previous day works excellent – easy to grab what I need.
- Success
Even if the world may consider my last two weeks a failure of taking care of myself or family. They do not know my physical and emotional health. I may not be where I want to be energy-wise, but given what I am working with, there was a success in the past two weeks. All I can do is accept that I am not where I mentally placed my goals, but I did not fully crash and sleep for the last two weeks.
As individuals, we must determine what our success or failure point is. Anxiety and depression make that harder than people think, but it is our life and family we must find satisfaction in than trying to please those that do not know us or understand the fine line of success and perceived failure our disease brings us. Right now, I place the care of my family, home, finances, and job as my success. My goals will include downsizing, but that will come as my exhaustion, anxiety, and depression will allow.
Prayerfully I will return to writing as my days move forward, and I do not feel as crippled by my perceived failure. Truthfully maybe it is time for me to determine what I perceive as success and tweak that perception to fit the physical and emotional limitations I am currently living with and determine my goal of expanding my list of achievements.
Keep reaching for your goals even if it is only one step forward, after three steps backward. Everything can be a success; we need to see it that way.
Reference
Merriam Webster Dictionary, 4/25/2020
failure noun, fail·ure | \ ˈfāl-yər \ Definition of failure, 1a: omission of occurrence or performance specifically: a failing to perform a duty or expected action failure to pay the rent on time b (1) : a state of inability to perform a normal function kidney failure — compare HEART FAILURE (2) : an abrupt cessation of normal functioning a power failure c: a fracturing or giving way under stress structural failure 2 a: lack of success b: a failing in business : BANKRUPTCY
He was trying to rescue the company from failure. 3a : a falling short : DEFICIENCY
a crop failure b: DETERIORATION, DECAY 4: one that has failed He felt like a failure when he wasn’t accepted into law school.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/failure,
success noun suc·cess | \ sək-ˈses \ Definition of success 1 a: degree or measure of succeeding, b: favorable or desired outcome also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence 2: one that succeeds 3 obsolete : OUTCOME, RESULT
Motivation Follow-up
Was going to title this Motivation Follow-up and Daily Stress Idea but that just looks so wrong. Well here is my Monday and early Tuesday. Thank you to those that enjoyed the last post. Stay safe and emotionally well. Over used at this point but we truly are in this together it may look different for each of us but we all have stressors that we will have a hard time with.
Daily stress during this time of Pandemic Shelter-in place has been draining. Listened to The Good Guys Wear Masks – Still Untitled: The Adam Savage Project – 4/7/20, this was a wide variety of subjects from masks, stress (time stamp 7.40 – 12.00 and 20.00), tv binge-watching, motivation (26.19), and assorted other stuff. It was nice to see that others are feeling stressed about everything going around us and how they are individually handling their emotional place. Ideas for relaxing and activities found to fill in the hours. It was peaceful for a time to know I was not alone in being stressed by what is happening around us as a whole. Their ideas about motivation and how they handled it was useful.
Hopefully I can continue to work on being productive. Concerned for the see-saw I was looped in of motivation and no motivation. The lack of motivation reminded me of an article I read out of The Washington Post, acknowledging the lack of motivation is okay. Don’t feel like ‘getting things done’? It’s okay not to be productive during a pandemic; by Sunny Fitzgerald, April 6, 2020, at 11:00 am EDT, I found this helpful when I overthink my moments when my thirty-minute break turns into an hour or two of just nothing. My thoughts run the gamut of-how can I be so lazy? No wonder I can get nothing done. All-time favorite negative reflection is no wonder I am not a success.
Honestly, what is success? We have the world’s view, but it is what the world as a whole has created and run by individuals. As individuals, we contribute to life in our own way. Be it a simple way or complex. From a business success for me personally, emotionally, do I genuinely want to be an individual that runs a country, company, or any vast corporate/institutionalized subject and be responsible for everything, be it creative success or destruction. The answer for me is no, that is not who I am. Who am I, though in this world of the current chaos and past success and failure? I am not sure some days. Do I want to judge myself by financial success, friendships, clean home, work accolades, and even more? Will you look at that I have gone, and sidetracked myself again on a whole other train of thought. Something to return to and it is an aspect of life I spend a lot of time contemplating. I need to return to what I am concentrating on now, which is the decluttering of my family home.
Previously mentioned that to address my lack of motivation, I would work on breaking my day down into 30-minute increments. Has shown some progress not as much as I would like, but that may also be that I am harder on myself than I should. Noticed I lost momentum after I sat through the 2 pm Ohio News Conference. With that in mind, there are some ideas that I am going to implement on Wednesday to see if these changes will help to achieve more.
The idea is to work with a room by room cleaning list, daily cleaning list, and project list. Due to my perceived defects, I have made in the past multiple attempts of decluttering and routine. Down below is a copy of one of many list attempts from 2013. This desire to downsize and clean on a routine is an ongoing struggle. Physically and emotionally I become exhausted, and I overthink my perceived failure to work through my limitations. Kickstarting out of the stop becomes long due to the anxiety-inducing nature of making changes in long-held emotional routines. Feelings of frustration and negativity toward my mind, not being able to control itself. Thankfully as the years move forward, the length of time becomes less as I take the time to step back and understand it is okay as a person to have limitations. We are not a one size fits all thought process that will work well for one person may not all the time work for another. As we learn and grow about who we are, we can take pieces and parts of other people’s actions or lack thereof and move toward an action plan of improvement that works for our circumstances. There are many articles and books in this respect that I plan to review and see what works for me.
I did have some success on Monday and slightly felt accomplished as I watched the OH News Conference. I started a sorting project that was stationary. The project was bagging my cables and chargers collecting in a cardboard box. Yes, I know from a Green Living and Zero waste perspective this is not a good method but have not found a way that fits those two living aspects, which I strive for, will leave for a future project. Currently, computer cables and phones with chargers bagged. Cables and Phones are in separate containers.
have found over the years that bagging the Cables and Phones worthwhile decreases the snarled mess and re-purchasing stuff that we already have. Before this sorting, I was able to declutter one of the tables in our kitchen that we purchased for food prep and bread making. I need to contemplate where I am going to take this sense of accomplishment before I lose again to loss of energy or anxiety of doing things too slowly.
The Front Room of our home seems to be an excellent place to start, which has become a dumping ground for forgotten small projects toward sorting and decluttering. This cluttered mess began in this room because we do not use our front door, and I had previously hoped to change it into an exercise area. With our shelter in place looking to continue into June, maybe July; these months are based on the Ohio Medical Director saying we may peak in End of April to mid-May since we have no centralized testing to determine who is asymptomatic and who is not. There will be a slow return to normal. With that in mind returning the front room to an exercise area seems to be a priority. Well that is it for Monday will see how I do on Tuesday and Wednesday. Tuesday may not be too productive as a Home Health Aide. I need to be at my clients home at 6 am. Feeling fatigued more than normal. This is from sinuses and whatever over the last two years of constant fatigue so we shall see how that goes. Stay safe and take care of yourself physically and emotionally they all go hand and hand so we can find who we are proud of being.
Reference
The Good Guys Wear Masks – Still Untitled: The Adam Savage Project – 4/7/20, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwC-kuox71A
Don’t feel like ‘getting things done’? It’s okay not to be productive during a pandemic, By Sunny Fitzgerald, April 6, 2020, at 11:00 am EDT, https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/wellness/productivity-coronavirus-pandemic-projects/2020/04/06/742edf54-76e4-11ea-85cb-8670579b863d_story.html
4/6/2020 – 2 pm Ohio News Conference (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgDUTpUrNaM). Changes in how many people are allowed in stores at a time and aisle one way at a time. Our retail industry is doing a fantastic job. Reminder to wear our masks, job board with employment needs, social distancing, staying home, hospital expansion, and what aspects of our infrastructure is doing to help. Alluded that DeWine will look at manufacturing returning to the Ohio area. Review of information in regards to the Federal Prison and State Prison positive COVID-19 cases. Addressed returning snowbirds that they are welcome but to remember to quarantine for 14 days. There was a lot more.
Sample of a past list that did not work for me. (the original landscaped)
| Elena’s Daily | Sun. | Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday | Saturday | ||||||
| Get up on time (4:30 am) go to bed on time (9:30 pm) | |||||||||||||
| Devotional Time With God | |||||||||||||
| Bible Study | |||||||||||||
| Laundry (fold, put away, deliver dirty to washing machine and start, swap to dryer, retrieve…) | |||||||||||||
| Clean a room (30 minutes or till done) | Front Room | Kitchen | Game Room | Bedroom | Office | Back Bathroom | |||||||
| Clean a room (30 minutes or till done) | Laundry Room | Front Bathroom | CC Room | Sewing/ Craft Room | Front Hallway | Back Hallway | |||||||
| Awana Studying | |||||||||||||
| Exercise (30 min am and pm | |||||||||||||
| School Work CC and Me (2 hour ea) | |||||||||||||
| Sweep or Mop a Room | |||||||||||||
| Put out clothes for the next day (Bill and Me) | |||||||||||||
| Pack lunch for the next work day (Bill and Me) | |||||||||||||
| Video game with CC | |||||||||||||
| Work | |||||||||||||
| Elena’s Daily | Sun. | Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday | Saturday | ||||||
| Get up on time (4:30 am) go to bed on time (9:30 pm) | |||||||||||||
| Devotional Time With God | |||||||||||||
| Bible Study | |||||||||||||
| Laundry (fold, put away, deliver dirty to washing machine and start, swap to dryer, retrieve…) | |||||||||||||
| Clean a room (30 minutes or till done) | Front Room | Kitchen | Game Room | Bedroom | Office | Back Bathroom | |||||||
| Clean a room (30 minutes or till done) | Laundry Room | Front Bathroom | CC Room | Sewing/ Craft Room | Front Hallway | Back Hallway | |||||||
| Awana Studying | |||||||||||||
| Exercise (30 min am and pm | |||||||||||||
| School Work CC and Me (2 hour ea) | |||||||||||||
| Sweep or Mop a Room | |||||||||||||
| Put out clothes for the next day (Bill and Me) | |||||||||||||
| Pack lunch for the next work day (Bill and Me) | |||||||||||||
| Video game with CC | |||||||||||||
| Work | |||||||||||||
Motivation or the Lack thereof…
Unsure if there are others with this feeling of no motivation and loss of hours watching YouTube, reading, or clearing up my email since our life was slowed by the 2020 shelter in place for the safety of everyone due to COVID-19. Emotionally/Mentally, torn as a wife, mother, homeschool mom of a depressed but creative seventeen-year-old, Part-Time employee as a Home Health Aide, and homemaker. Currently, my husband is still working at an Engineering company in IT. I am striving to remove myself from worrying about others when I cannot assist. Family dynamics and the individual I care for part-time is in the high-risk health category—even acknowledging the guilt that does not sufficiently decrease the anxiety drain.
With all this, my motivation to work on short or long term put off projects are still not there. I tried starting Spruce.Com article 4 Easy Steps to Reclaim Your Home from Clutter and Disorganization. This particular read started me listing each room and what needs done. Made it as far as the rooms list that was three days ago, became overwhelmed with listing the individual needs of each room. Was watching Adam Savage Q&A (3/31/20, Part 2) one of the visuals he made to a question posted about motivation. He made mention that when things were so overwhelming take it in small increments, which struck home more for me, which reminded me of an earlier article on Spruce.com that may be a better idea to start on the clutter to downsize. Before tackling the decluttering, I am going to figure out a reward for myself.
The prize will either be a mix of working on an art project, bible study, blogging, watching a video, reading an article, or a nap. What will my day look like? I think I will return to what has worked in the past until my allergies, fatigue, or headaches flair up—using a kitchen timer for 30-minutes for a task and a 30-minute break. For some, this will come off slightly OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Progress has been made over the years from using Excel marked with exact times 5:00 am, getting up, 5:05 am teeth, 5:15 am, taking a shower, etc., then getting upset when reality put me behind. Changing to 30-minute chunks of time releases me from the stress of keeping to an extreme regimented schedule. To-Do lists used to be on ledger pads and one to two pages long. After two days of trying to keep to an illogical/impractical schedule and task lists, I would become depressed over the perceived failure that would take weeks to drag myself out of.
The weeks on end of perceived failure is what keeps building clutter because my previous routine style is unobtainable till I declutter and prioritize. So let’s start the journey again of trying another path that may or may not work only time will tell. Life is about adaptation and success as individuals we must search for the silver lining even among the perceived failures. For every half hour of success is one more piece of paper in recycling or in a box going toward Goodwill or Salvation Army once they open again after this COVID-19 shelter in place here in Ohio. Failure is another item off the table of ideas allowing me to move forward to a style that will work for me as an individual.
One final note for me I have chosen to decrease the amount of reading or to watch the documentation or news reports in regards to the COVID-19 the redundant questions of politicians or specialists the attacks based on political affiliation, we need to adjust the finger-pointing to after the crisis. Now is the time to concentrate on saving lives first and planning how to keep our economy afloat and reintegrate our world to a new normal when the curve of the disease has safely flattened out—my goal to watch just Ohio’s daily 2 pm news briefing. Hopefully, I can keep that plan to decrease my current stress and frustration.
Watched my state’s 2 pm News Conference 4/4/2020, a variety of subjects covered. One of them is that Psychiatrists and Psychologists are being allowed to take on new patients without a face to face appointment; this is wonderful because that is an aspect of our family’s needs. I am sure there are other people as well. The most important to me was how we as a state we’re going to follow through on our CDC suggestion of wearing a mask. Asked to wear the masks and the Ohio website is providing cleaning, proper wearing, and the making of fabric masks.
The positive words are great, but this truly hits my social anxiety buttons. How do I work through emotionally that wearing a mask is so apparent? My thoughts, even though I know they are illogical. It does not stop me from thinking about them and having them impact my actions. Will I be made fun of for wearing the mask and no one else is? Will I be made fun of for wearing a black one this is what I have available? Dr. Acton did have a great analogy of this is a cultural change. Great thought, but still, I struggle with my feelings of this change in a daily routine. What I have done to work around my anxiety of being made fun of is to create a small bag of supplies that I will have in a carry bag in my car. Small bag/purse will have set of plastic gloves, cloth mask, container with a couple lysol wipes, and pair of thin plastic coated work gloves. My bag is set-up so it is compact, easy to sanitize, and refill. (see below). Please be aware the below bag is not approved by any officials this is personal, that allows me to work around my anxiety and be prepared. Another aspect of the update that gave me frustration is that our local government has received no direction from our Federal Government on how to disperse the money for the gig and self-employed citizens. Why is our Federal leadership not working on this if they are where are they in sending this out Ohio leadership is not expecting a response for a month? Not an aspect of our world I can fix so all I can do is try not to think about it.
This is it for me today. I am going to keep working on decluttering with the intention of downsizing.
Have a great day and stay safe during this change of culture and daily life.
The information mentioned above:
Spruce.com How to Organize Your Home, 4 Easy Steps to Reclaim Your Home from Clutter and Disorganization, Written by Sarah Aguirre, Updated 10/12/19, https://www.thespruce.com/get-your-home-organized-in-4-easy-steps-1900131
Adam Savage Video time stamp 12:39: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFcS9DX-dyA
OCD Definition from Mayo Clinic Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20354432
Ohio COVID19 (Cloth Face Coverings (Masks) COVID-19 Checklist, April 04, 2020, | COVID-19) https://coronavirus.ohio.gov/wps/portal/gov/covid-19/home/covid-19-checklists/cloth-face-coverings-covid-19-checklist
3/25/2020 to 4/1/2020 Observations
Over the years, I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the future, and I may post that daily struggle from my perspective. Back on 3/25/2020, I concentrated on how I see the world around me during week two of COVID-19 stay at home request order here in Ohio. I much respect our Ohio leadership, and the lack of bipartisan outward media covered bickering. The 2 pm Live session has been instrumental in keeping calm and decreasing the anxiety that I could be feeling based on the future uncertainty of our current world. On the other hand, in watching the live sessions of our federal government, I am saddened, and I have to stop because they exacerbate the anxiety. After all, our elected politicians cannot work together and that it is all about their popularity or fiscal bottom line. I do appreciate that after a week, they were able to compromise somewhat so things can move forward even though if I read correctly from CNN payments may not be seen till May, of course, I usually read Time Magazine, New York Times or the Washington Post. (https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/stimulus-checks-senate-deal-includes-individual-payments-but-dont-expect-the-money-until-at-least-may/ar-BB11GLpv?ocid=bingtonews).
Unsure why, where and how our political arena is so immature and unproductive, I am still in hope/prayer that this current medical/financial crisis will bring the best from people. However, in watching the live debates, that feeling is low.
Home wise the need to stay home is not much of a shift. My husband and I rarely leave our house unless to work or to a maybe once a week trip grocery shopping. I have concluded though that my food shopping before COVID might label me a mini hoarder. Because except for ½ gallon of milk, we are just now considering leaving the house to fill in some pantry bald spots in regards to fresh items my husband enjoys. Before anyone worries about the dynamic of our marriage I enjoy a wider variety of vegetables and to fill that need of variety I order my vegetables delivered on a bi-weekly basis from Perfectly Imperfect Produce https://www.perfectlyimperfectproduce.com/) for me this offers me a small variety so I am not buying large amounts that I end up throwing out. I also like that they donate a portion to food shelters.
Anxiety and depression, I am concerned for others around me due to the shock and unable to meet up and talk it out as a group. Prayerfully they research and keep informed with the local news. For myself, I am still numb, unsure where and how to move forward, taking on some tasks I have ignored concerning deep cleaning, taken in small batches due to a list of physical health concerns. Motivation to move forward in looking for work from home is a question. Do I still pursue, or do I wait? Is it wrong looking for additional employment outside of caring for an individual person, four days a week for a couple of hours a day? One of many areas of thought my anxiety gets me in trouble, those never-ending thoughts that stop me from moving forward in life. For others, and even my husband, who goes and does it, where I waffle on what is the right decision. What if I mess up/fail, should I, and how will it impact others? As research shows, the anxiety moves into depression because I should be more durable than that, and I am so stupid for just going and doing.
So for today (3/25/2020), I have accomplished the daily basics and not much else, which is frustrating and sad because I have worried more about moving forward than doing. We shall see tomorrow if I can accomplish more.
Will you look at that! A week has passed and my fear of failure out waded my desire to post/blog. This morning (4/1/2020) I read a Time article that expanded on the earlier CNN article about May date for stimulus checks. The May dates were for the large segment of our society that does not have a bank account to have the payment sent to, and they need or choose to have their IRS check mailed every year. The article was ‘A Double Whammy.’ Those who Most Need the $1,200 Stimulus Checks May Wait for the Longest to Get Them—written by Abby Vesolis and Alana Abramson on March 31, 2020, https://time.com/5812750/stimulus-unbanked-checks-coronavirus/. For now, this is just a collaboration of my thoughts from March 25 to early am of April 1, 2020.
Life will move forward as I strive to overcome my fears and I can expand and blog my thoughts and the daily struggle of not letting anxiety and depression conquer a life that can be well-lived. Prayerfully see you soon on this journey of self-discovery of who I can be.
Random Observations 