Must say this week was a success for me, almost thought I was going to have to claim a full failure. For those who do not live with mental or physical health concerns, it is probably considered a failure. Those opinions are not me thou I am going to stand on success proudly. Where I had struggles this week thinking things through and did only accomplish physically the minimal and did not accomplish the anxiety research I wanted to. Started the week dwelling heavily on information from news outlets and social media conversation and what was presented on the subject of racism protests, looting, police and politician interactions thought was going move me into the emotional position of failure.
Writing my thoughts and continuing to research the subject on Thursday settled my mind for the most part. I have had to accept that due to where I live and my own physical and psychological limitations. I am not a physical protestor; all I can respond peaceful and not forward social media posts that stroke a fire that accomplishes nothing. All I can do is educate myself and my daughter, so we strive to continue to try to the best of our ability is to treat all equally. Indeed all lives matter.
What kept me struggling at the beginning of the week was the violence and how a segment of our society said it was okay because people were in pain. Another aspect that kept pushing me was the struggles and actions of racism toward the Native Americans, Orientals, Muslims, Physical Disabilities, Mental Disabilities, Religious choice, LGBT, or any other aspect outside of the ‘normal’ that looked at critically. I understand from what I have researched; blacks have it worse; there is a whole culture of disdain and pain if I have read the right things. Also, I kept cycling with why as a society we go up in arms for two maybe three weeks, and then it is all forgotten when something new takes over the media, and no actual change takes place.
The other aspect of struggle was before two weeks ago; the police could do no wrong during this shelter in place. How, as news outlets and social media, can we move from one subject be amazing to critical and death the next? Almost ready to swear off watching the news, many seem to fan the flames of anger and pain not report equally. Also, I am tired of questioning what truth and sensationalized. Sorry to rehash a subject that is moving back to a forgotten topic and that I already wrote on. Just I kept feeling like a failure as a person because the whole black squares on social media more irritated me than proved a point. Celebrities are popping out of the woodwork supporting the subject of black lives matter. If they genuinely believe in what they speak, hopefully, they are already involved in making changes. The subject that has been around since our country helped founded with the help of slavery? Plantation owners built their money from inexpensive workers.
Additionally, as a society, at least if the US population had not changed some, they would not be in at least have a chance to be in such a place of financial prosperity. I just felt like I was failing as a human because I cannot help in this struggle. Nevermind my simplistic thinking is we all live on this earth. Why can’t we accept we are all different and will not agree on everything. Must we respond to differences with violence? Then I realize that is unrealistic because we have had wars for less. Okay, I am moving off my soapbox of confusion and concern.
I am moving on reading and watching the pain. Both the protestors and the police are trying to make positive changes. What stood out and was concerning was those that communicated with violence attacked was looking to keep this week as a failure. The reason I have moved toward success is that I have accepted that I am a remarkably ineffectual cog in a wheel of something I cannot understand or change due to personality and location. Change needs making, but I am not in a position to contribute. I am okay with that now. I took many days toward feeling like I have failed blacks and society. But my success is that my anxiety and depression are not putting me at a place of emotional destruction because I cannot fit myself emotionally to what social media says we should be. It is not who I am.
To me, we are all human beings. I may not agree with the decisions made. I am embarrassed at times of calling myself human. But we are all indeed individuals, and we all look and interact with life differently. Experiences cause differences, thought processes, emotional reactions, education, and so many to list. Those differences are surprised when things are going well.
On the issue of black racism, yes, from what I have read, things are wrong. We are still a foreign culture as a melting pot of beliefs, customs, and history of pain and poor political decisions. The US has at least changed a small amount we had a black president, 50 years after Martin Luther King Jr. and 150 years after the civil war ended. Heck, I know at least in my family that some members are older than I use negative words to describe blacks because that is what they have always called them, and ‘that is what they are.’ All I can do is personally ask that person not to speak like that around me. The world as a whole, there will always be sections of our society that are extremists. Where does this leave me again?
All I can do is concentrate on continuing to treat everyone I come in contact with as equal. We are all capable of evil if pushed wrong. Striving to learn of who we are emotionally and what our strengths and weaknesses. My success in the week is that I am still standing; my anxiety and depression have settled. I am comfortable with accepting that I am not in a position to do amazing things. All I can do is research and teach to the best of my limited skills. Vote to the best of my ability, sign petitions when asked, and keep my section of the social media peaceful.
Thank you for sticking with this journey of discovery through such a difficult subject we are currently rehashing in our news outlets and social media. May all those on the front lines of this current subject stay safe. May some progress be made in protecting all those directly involved protesters trying to communicate change and police striving to safely do their job of protecting all citizens of their area. May the police that should not be in that profession be safely found out and removed. Those destroying property and theft caught. Hopefully, the term racism is treated with care when creating policy changes that all minorities of ethnicity, religion, or thought be protected unless physical or emotional violence occurs. There are so many shades of grey within the words of racism.
Have a great week. Here is to be returning to making progress on my anxiety research.
I have included a couple of videos of James Baldwin that helped me see what life is from a viewpoint I have no reference to except a couple acquaintances and co-workers that are black. One from 1965 and 1979.
Something that is opposite of everything but thought I would include this video and song. Video is Dick and Rick Hoyt of a father and son that participates in marathons (http://www.teamhoyt.com/). Song written by Paul Sikes and Bonnie Baker and song performed by Troy Johnson, found it uplifting during this time of struggle.