Feel that I am surviving, not living. Depression and Anxiety came back with a vengeance this week. I had to fight to get up in the mornings this week. Going to bed was also an issue. By the middle of the week was questioning why I am here and what is the point. Why am I getting worse when I have days that feel ‘well’?
Backtracking over the last two to three weeks, I have emotionally and physically struggled to return to something that gives me meaning for employment. In doing so, I planned to take on 15-25 hours to schedule that already had 30 hours with being a Home Health Aide. I enjoy the retail over the Home Health Aide work, but it is challenging for clients to retain a Home Health Aide for their care. So I will stay with the amazing person I provide care. Unfortunately, last week my need to please people saw me work 6 days in the retail environment plus the 30 as a Home Health Aide. Retail hours totaled thirty-eight, so the previous week places my working hours at sixty-eight total. I was contributing to my continued internal argument of success over failure.
To the outside, looking in one will see and explain, of course, I am exhausted you worked sixty-eight hours in one week. Nevermind, I went from 6,500 steps to 14,000 to 15,000 steps daily with this new job and still only eating for the 6,500. My Anxiety does not see it like that; I should do more and be more substantial. How do I see my way out of this pit of emotional and physical struggle?
Goals are many; some I may be able to succeed in implementing others may not. A new job is to say no when called in or only stay for four to five hours instead of eight to nine. Food makes up and implements a menu for the days I only have an hour between jobs. Work on some of the list is a plan and made ahead. Return and concentrate on taking my assortment of vitamins. I noticed my prescriptions taken daily, but my vitamins missed due to timing and change in routine. Returning to my morning routine of reading The Bible and spending time on a devotional, I always found this a peaceful start of my day. Where does this leave me? Am I a success or failure this week?
My Depression and Anxiety are pushing to have me List this week as a failure. My goals from last week and the needs of the family were not cared for well. Failure is automatic feeling and response for so long it is challenging to see the week as a success. How do I put my mindset toward success when I want to hold onto the comfortable failure. It makes no sense, but it is a pit that is comfortable and familiar. How to move forward and not wallow as I want to do? Hmmm
Have to acknowledge that the schedule changed, and I have a plan moving forward. That it is okay not to accomplish everything when there has been a schedule change. So that is being said living it may be difficult. After some thought, going to list this as a success because I did not stop may not have been everything, but calling this week a success because I acknowledged that my goal was too difficult for the specific situation I find myself in.
Keep striving for your goals. Success is all in the eyes of who is living life to their personal physical and emotional best. Sorry for the delay in posting just found this week a mentally distracting week.
Additional Faith Note:
For me, the following message from Pastor Shawn at Hope Church helped me put this week into perspective. I may not always feel that I am thriving, but succeeding is all I can strive for daily and may not look like everyone else’s life. What matters is what fits my life calling and purpose. In reaching for my goals that are helping others even if that is caring for others that do not appreciate; and a family that does not understand cleaning up after themselves. Life for me is to care for those around me in word and actions. May not be grand as Nik Ripken, but even the small things are important. Care seen as working both jobs to hundred percent, volunteering at church, downsizing, blogging, and not being angry with my family gives the impression of not caring. This is my current season of life we will see as the weeks go as I will stay or succeed in moving farther ahead in being at peace with myself and goals.
For a chuckle the 9 am is slightly different and shows the difference in understanding of different words and phrases to different generations and social media awareness. Nine am was the use of Netflix and chill which was being used just as words to describe watching videos and relaxing that’s how it was meant. Unknown at the time till someone between services brought it to his attention was the urban culture meaning of the phrase of something totally different, I have included the link to the definition after the 9 am link. Personally I enjoyed the 9 am more before I understood the urban meaning Pastor seemed more engaged.
Urban Dictionary Definition – https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Netflix%20and%20Chill. Just clarifies that I enjoy life when words are just straightforward with no hidden meanings.
Wikipedia detailed information for the slang, if you are interested. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Netflix_and_chill