Author: Random Observations

Currently, a creative outlet to present observations and ideas that resonate with those that feel they have lost their voice as a worker, bounce ideas of living life well. Additionally working through my anxiety, depression, sleep apnea, and, hypothyroidism. Do like to give a warning, reading comments is extremely difficult for me. So if I do not respond it is not out of malicious intent just striving not to give my anxiety a foothold by reading the negative comments. To avoid negative right now means avoiding them all. I do greatly appreciate those that take the time to read, comment, and like for updates.

Review 5/18-22/2020

Another week has come and gone.  With that comes a sense of relief and frustration.  Feelings of stagnation and why bother are substantial on my mind.  My mind and body have positioned me at the bottom of a pothole on this journey of life.  With that acceptance come where to go from here.

Over the years, I have watched towns fill in and cover up potholes, but they show up worse than ever the next year.  Sometimes even a month later.  So as an individual resting at the bottom of my pothole.  Where do I go from here? Because wallowing between staying here accomplishing nothing or begin the slow process of excavation toward the repair.  Where am I physically and emotionally?  Unsure

In years past, wallowing has been the choice, would put me on the autopilot of normality.  The one where people are amazed that something is wrong.  When people ask you how you are doing, and you answer with something other than beautiful.  Autopilot is when the inside of your mind is just a grey cloud of nothing. Life is guided not by what is important to you, the individual, but what is essential to the people I come in contact with during one’s day.  They are my guideposts of what I accomplish, with no thought of how exhausted or overwhelmed I will become.  I was there at the beginning of the week and headed toward the weekend.

My autopilot times have lasted from weeks to years what I need to work on and have been this year.  Physically I am tired. I returned to falling asleep, sitting up at my desk around two o’clock in the afternoon, which shows that sleep apnea is impacting me more than I would like to admit.  With that, tiredness comes from the fact that I did finally start designing and uploading my creative designs, and the perfectionist in me keeps picking apart what I could have done differently.  Tiredness and feeling of apathy that has returned have stopped the downsizing and decluttering.  The clutter is from my past years of autopilot.  Well, I guess it is time to begin the real excavation, so I do not become comfortable in the bottom of my emotional and physical pothole.

Physical exhaustion repair is limited. I need to work from seven am to noon with some four-eight to nine pm shifts.  I can keep taking herbal sleeping aids that do partially work. I at least do not get up twice in the middle of the night, mostly, but I do not feel fully rested. I am seeing even after two weeks an impact through the exhaustion.  With the insomnia medication makes me feel groggy the next morning.  I did start viewing improvement in not falling asleep while sitting up midday when I had less AM hours and could take more of the insomnia medication.  Also, the long term projects, I had the clarity of thought and energy to move forward.  Another aspect I noticed was one of the freelancing projects I tried to qualify for I could not achieve due to I could not keep clear and concise thoughts.  Frustrating because I used to be very good with transcribing, and I currently struggle.  The excavation moving forward where to go from here?

Until the sleep study, I am minimal in my current options.  The herbal sleeping pill from Sunday to Friday night is not strong enough right now.  So shifting to more structured off and on herbal and medication may need to be tried.  In the evenings, I work till nine and arrive at seven am the next day I will take the herbal.  On days I am not working till nine, I will go to bed early and take the prescription medication.  Trying that may work, I do find on Saturday night when I can take the prescription and sleep till I wake up I am fully rested and clear-headed.  See how that goes this week.  Before people are concerned, the insomnia medication is as needed.  Prior there were eight prescriptions over the years seems this current one has worked without too many side effects.  Well, the pothole now has a foundation toward the substantial repair. Let’s excavate the next aspect of pothole creation and restoration.

Creativity and perfectionism that is a long and drawn-out task of repair.  Some of the shirt designs are not as crisp as I would like.  I have to remind myself that the drawing of the sloth was with a free art program and a mouse.  I tried to borrow my daughter’s drawing pad to work on my pictures and have crisper lines, but it did not work on my Macbook, which was three days of frustration and feelings of why can I not do anything right.  Followed by the phrases make sense to me, but will they to others.

Additionally, I have not marketed them fully through Facebook and other social media.  I feel like a failure because I am more worried about people’s comments than getting it out there, so people that do feel as I do have something that represents them.  The t-shirt about wearing a face mask is what has me frozen and worrying the most.  I think I will feel better if I create one designed for those that think it is unnecessary.  Well, that is the plan and repair of the first layer of material to complete this week’s pothole.  

The final layer of pothole repair toward the decluttering and downsizing the house will have to be a wait and see how accomplished.  I might return to it but grab one item as I go through a room and find a location for it—areas of choice Goodwill boxes, trash, and put away where it belongs.  The goal is to have more to go to Goodwill and dumpster then re-home in the house.  With that in mind, due diligence, this pothole cap will stay on for a couple of weeks or months.  A year would be fantastic, but my mental health would like to place me back in areas that reinforce the internal dialogue from growing up that I am a failure and can do nothing right.

So as I wrap up this week’s review of failure or success, let us see.  I have to say I was successful in that I did not dwell on my shortcomings this week, as long as I usually do.  I have reviewed and developed a workable plan to keep moving forward toward my goals.  So I feel like a failure due to not achieving more but will put this week in success because I did not allow my feelings of failure to overwhelm me to where I gave up.

May everyone have a great week as they move through this time of adjustment as the different countries around the World try to open up from COVID-19 standstill.  May those looking for work find something soon.  Those waiting for the plan or call to return safely are on everyone’s mind.  Have a peaceful and motivating week, even if that involves changing from pajamas to real clothes and take a walk around the neighborhood.

Thoughts of Isolation

CBS Sunday Morning 5/17/2020 – Adapting to Isolation

CBS Sunday Morning Video synopsis

The forced isolation brought about by stay-at-home orders poses an unnatural state for human beings conditioned to thrive on social interactions. Still, our experience of being alone could inspire a new way of living. Lee Cowan talks with professors of sociology and genomics, and with a Benedictine monk, about how to adapt to the stresses of this period of isolation. He explores how some people are coping via hobbies, such as sketching, baking, or quilting.

For a personal thought, as I watched this, and the opinion and research presented was that people like being around other people. This self-isolation of the last two months is emotionally impacting people. I had to step back because I do not feel affected by this request to stay at home for safety. My impact is on other aspects of life reactions but not isolation.

My life has always been a stay at home unless I am working, volunteering at church, or a bible study. I never enjoyed going out except for dinner two or three times a month, so my husband and I had time to talk to each other. Does this lack of impact make me a ‘bad’ person that isolation is a blessing? I do not have that infernal questions from others that I never know how to answer when they ask, ‘What did you do this weekend?’. They always look sad when I respond with nothing because that is what we did, and I was happy with that. Our family does not usually go on vacation; the closest I did was treat my daughter for the last three years by taking her to Cedar Point (https://www.cedarpoint.com/) weekly because she likes roller coasters and swimming. Even then, that brought fear from people that I was not riding any rides, I read a book while she was on the coasters. I enjoyed our day, and we talked about life when going from ride to ride and when going on the train together. With all that said, I over worry about why do people feel that families, friends, and acquaintances need to be together continually.

A four-year friendship I had that ended recently also had this overwhelming desire to be around people. The individual often said in anger to me that I could get in the car and go wherever I wanted. When I said, I did not because I had no interest in going by myself to places, and I did not have the money to just up and go somewhere that did not involve a necessity. We used to go places until I could no longer take this person with me due to a physical limitation on their part. Our friendship started to fall apart what is so amazing about being around people?

With the isolation of this stay at home, we do not need to worry about whether we are wearing the right clothing or saying the right thing to someone, or are we interacting correctly? There is so much peace being alone and able to work on a task, meditate, pray, journal, or work. Interacting with people is exhausting and draining. So I am still puzzled why we are not embracing the shelter in place. Yes, I know we are easing up in restrictions, but until the world feels COVID has concluded, our lives impacted. Heck, why do we want to interact with people that bad mouth others that do not agree with a decision made or information believed? Have Facebook contacts that I do not read anymore, and they are so nasty about their personal opinion. Their current topic is the COVID numbers are false, face masks are a lie, our government is trying to control us, and decisions politicians made at the beginning of this in March. Whether these statements above are true or false as individuals, we are allowed our personal opinion. We do not need to say we are naive or stupid for believing or following what asked of us.  

My take on the COVID numbers we will never truly know based on decisions made in regards to how and who tested or information documented. Face masks do help either they will be beneficial in protecting from environmental like smog or the flu wearing them is not hurting you unless there is a physical or emotional reason. Another thought is we are honoring the people that need to wear one based on CDC and company policy and procedures. Governments are trying to control they have done that before COVID this is just more obvious. What do you call some of the rules and legislation we have to follow before this year that make no sense. Politicians’ decisions since March, this is an unknown situation with minimal information whether they made the right or wrong decision. These same people may also complain if more people had died if the shut down had not taken place. Life is more comfortable to live and problem-solve around if we accept that not all decisions are significant decisions, but learning to live with the consequences take less energy than complaining and more gets done with a plan than just no idea.

Childishly I get frustrated because we all have an opinion of the situation around us, but it does not mean we should tear other people down for their opinion. In my opinion, I just posted my anger or be agreed upon it. Still, it is an opinion of what currently presented as facts from media and social media. These are full of sentiment, fact, fiction, and half-truths of other individuals. Opps went on a tangent, but it does show why I prefer my isolation. Face to face contact/socialization, and I cannot walk away from someone who is ranting. With the beauty of isolation I can read or watch something else, not something that pains me. So let us celebrate and accept the isolation when in need of contact, call someone or set up a time to meet for coffee or a walk in the park. For me, this time of isolation alleviates some of the anxiety that comes from being around others—trying to fit personal actions to others’ perception of appropriate behavior or speech.  

Reference

CBS Sunday Morning, Jane Pauley, May 17, 2020,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw5J-V0NQQI&feature=youtu.be

Unsure What to Title

For many years I have been creative, but when as a young person starting my parents fell apart as I was going into my early twenties. In them falling apart, I did not have the support to power through my anxiety and depression and put myself out there with my creativity. I always found excuses, and when I did do something, I was too critical. For the last five years, I have waffled back and forth on drawing and putting them on the web. Again internal monologue of being a failure at everything you do not have any talent kept repeating.

That failure repeat monologue I am striving to stop. I have taken some of my sketches and phrases and created a Teespring account and a Facebook page, which is a chuckle because this is the absolute worst time to start a storefront. I wouldn’t be me if I did not decide to do something with a challenge to my depression and anxiety. 

Random Observations Teespring

The hope is to upload on a daily or bi-daily with my ideas, in the beginning, then as creativity strikes. Do know my anxiety and depression are taking a hit. I have not posted this as publicly select friends on Facebook and this website. But really, my goal is to prove I can be creative again, and I can push through obstacles that may take me time. With time comes success.

Unsure where this will go, but it is an outlet for my creativity that I have not allowed to show for awhile. Should it make money great, I will pay off my mortgage faster. Indeed it is a creative outlet that I had let my anxiety and depression put a stop to, and I finally said enough.

I am still working on my web design, so bear with me as I figure all this out. Thank you to those that take the time to read.  

Review 5/11-15/2020

Monday started, sitting and reviewing last week and daily task list and projects. Still feeling tired, headache, and distracted thinking. Concern that I am going to push myself to fast and crash physically as I have in the past, frustrating and disappointing. I have so many things I want to do.  

With great difficulty, I am not going to add any projects I was planning to integrate into this week. Hopefully, this will stop the physical crash I am often dealing with routinely. The other concern more than the physical exhaustion is managing my depression and anxiety because lowering my activities make me feel like a failure. Continually keeping my thoughts of failure, at-bay, will be the ultimate success.

Tuesday struggle day started at 5 am no energy or desire to get up. I did get up for work. I got home at 12:30 pm to a problem with the kitchen sink. Fortunately, my husband was working on it but as always got upset with myself, thinking I could have known about the issue before I left for work. I know deep down that it is illogical. So success was I did not let that thought stay long. Another success was my daughter did complete some more assignments. So I was able to reward her. So many things need doing, and I had no energy. The day ended after ordering food and picking up, cleaning up the kitchen, posting blog/journal entry, and having late lunch at 4 pm. I felt exhausted and nodded off at my desk. Such tough decisions lay down for 30 minutes before I did write up a list of what came to mind what needed doing. I hope that once I get back up, I will have a chance to move forward. Unsure where this great exhaustion is coming from hope I can walk through it. See how the rest of the week shapes up.

Wednesday through Friday was more of a repeat on the level of exhaustion and errands that need run. No sense repeating Monday and Tuesday in writing. Wednesday did have one aspect that I thought would take me out of the picture for awhile emotionally. A 4-year friendship that had ended mid-March for a variety of reasons resurfaced negatively. For most of Wednesday, late afternoon, and evening, I tried to understand what I had done wrong for this return. Almost called off work for the rest of the week.  

Through the internal review, I have determined not to let the situation destroy the progress I had emotionally achieved with my mental health since our friendship had ended. I had to accept that this individual’s emotional needs and negative perception of life were not something I was emotionally in a position to support personally. I had slowly been pulled further into my depression in trying to help this individual. In accepting that I was not responsible for how others perceived the situations around themselves was beneficial. Personal emotional health was essential and that sometimes we run into situations or individuals that we permanently or temporarily cannot be around. It is okay we are stronger when we understand who we are and what we are capable of deciding or accomplishing.

Success or failure is my goal for these reviews. Ask me at the beginning of the week it would have been a resounding failure. This failure determination would have been false. The week was a success. Emotionally and mentally health-wise, I am amazed and thrilled that I did not dwell on what happened with the past friendship or call asking for forgiveness that was not needed. Personally, it was a lot of prayer and a review of my goals for myself emotionally.

Physically also was a success if we squint. I was able to maintain my daily home care tasks. I was also able to spend some time emptying some boxes and prepare for a massive Goodwill run. 

Saturday morning, with my sleep apnea untreated till our hospitals return to standard testing. I need to accept and make it work with what I have for physical and mental energy. As mentioned previously, I do have medication for insomnia, which makes me extremely tired the next day, so working 7a- noon Monday to Friday does not give me the ability to take them. I did take them Friday night and slept in Saturday morning but had more energy than the rest of this week. Success for accepting I have limitations. With those limitations, though, I can strive to determine a plan to keep working on adding more to my day. It just takes longer than I would like.

Journey this week was filled with potholes of pain but was patched over with feelings of success for not regressing.

Thank you to all who take the time to read. I have included a song from Meghan Trainor – Treat Myself. This song represents how I felt on Friday when I just rested for the day with minimal guilt.

Meghan Trainor – Treat Myself

Finding Motivation Through The Tough Days

I am returning to the topic of motivation, is a personally constant search. Motivating through exhaustion is difficult when integrated with mental and physical health needs. Let’s look at what the Oxford Dictionary has as a definition.  

Motivation

[ˌmōdəˈvāSH(ə)n]

NOUN

  1. the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.
  2. “escape can be a strong motivation for travel.”
  3. synonyms:
  4. motive · motivating force · incentive · stimulus · stimulation · inspiration · impulse · inducement · incitement · spur · goad · provocation · reason · rationale · ground(s)

Have the desire and willingness, just not the energy. Find me hip-deep in a lousy week. As Tuesday creeps toward Thursday to stop me from becoming overwhelmed by thoughts of being a failure are the priority. Striving to concentrate on following my daily list but prioritize it based on absolutely must-do tasks. The goal is so family, work, and house not impacted. For those that have read the past blog subjects, these exhaustion weeks are one of the reasons I created a daily printable list. I mentally spend so much time figuring out what is remarkable: so much time wasted that nothing gets done. With the record, I can check off what done highlight what is next after a break. Taken me years of off and on working on different lists some short and some too detailed. With the horrible days, I do one to two tasks than a twenty to thirty-minute break. Breaks being reading, writing, watching YouTube, sorting clutter, or catnap. My thoughts of failure usually are what makes me crash, and nothing accomplished. History sleeping either from a migraine or just lack of motivation and feelings of why bother I am a failure, and my husband and daughter are going to leave me because I am worthless.   

Currently feeling that I am treading water, at least I am not sinking. Not much to give for suggestions but keep motivated to at least accomplish the basics. I did include a quote I found online that has helped me keep working on my home’s needs and not let my mental and physical health grind my life to a halt. My journey this week seems to be in a valley, but that does not mean I am not looking ahead to strive to go back up the hill of life. May this day find you well; none of us are alone in this mental and physical health; it just looks different as we all move through our lives.

To wrap this post up with something fun. Below is a fun song/video from Mercy Me that when I need something upbeat and reminder that I do not need to strive for perfection. Usually, play this in the background will doing something mind-numbing like folding laundry. Mind-numbing tasks typically are when I struggle with my self doubts the most. Video is silly, but enjoy how it shows the lack of perfection that we all are, and that’s okay. We can still live life with joy; it just looks different from person to person. Also, I have an evil streak and love to freak out, my teenager, when she walks in while I listen and start moving to the song.  

Mercy Me – Happy Dance

Motivation Quote 

Reference

Lexico by Oxford Dictionary, https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/motivation

Motivation Quote, https://randomobservations.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/b8771-inspirationalquotes-theroadtosuccessisnotstraight.jpg

Marketing…Why?

 In watching TV recently, I noticed the number of ads geared toward mental health medication content but also the increase.  Struck me that they concentrate on describing the pros and cons of symptoms or act like a depressed person look pathetic.  Below is an example of an ad from 2019, I have also seen the same company recently but different actors.  The cons seem to outway the positives, which got me thinking about how I can improve my emotional place with a minimal amount of medication.   Which is a balancing act of drugs, professionals, and lifestyle choices?

Striving to find a personal balance between personal lifestyle and medication.  It has always been a journey I have been on since the late seventies.  This journey has been beautiful, painful, and repetitious.  There are aspects of my life that are success and failure.  Failure comes in when I am riding high on my feelings of invincibility or filling my time with everything.  Everything is keeping busy with things that I perceive the world, family, and acquaintances will view as my success.  Pleasing others has always been my metric of success.  Do I have a ‘real job’ are not all jobs real.  Yes, they are real, but education, media, and some family place high expectations in words an actions.  Expectations are corporate jobs, higher education, and top pay.  There is a substantial aspect of our culture that cannot achieve that either through mental health, decisions made when young, cultural limitations, physical limitations, and personal motivation.  The metric I saw I need to perform was Executive Secretary, Manager, or Supervisor in an office setting.  All of those placed incredible stress that would impact my health.  I am happier being a trainer or manager in the retail/service industry.  Part of our culture does not look on retail or service industry as having a ‘real job.’  Finding a balance of emotional health and work success impacts the mental health journey.

The journey toward balance brings me back to marketing and the increase of medication ads and culture toward mental health.   Do we have an increase in ads because our society is trying to show it is okay to have mental health needs?  Another television media is seeking all revenue streams? Then again, why am I even concerned about this is just another aspect of our society and culture that agitates me.  

Agitation comes from that the two questions go hand and hand because we are a world of individuals and corporate need/greed.  Even though we are more open to mental health, the portion of our society and culture do not still understand that even with medication, our days are sometimes not our own.  We still have good and bad days.  Going to a professional is few in far between because of finances and insurance limitations.  Finding a professional that works with who we are as an individual takes times as well.  Journeying with mental health is a delicate balancing act of hills and valleys.  

The journey of mental health assisted by medication, and monitoring the options through marketing presentations is probably not beneficial.  Seeking out a professional is the better options available.  A professional will know the ins and outs of the medications and you as a person.  Celebrating that media is comfortable showing the drugs and the need for them.  At this point, I choose to chuckle at the descriptions they give of symptoms to avoid.  A sad chuckle that half the symptoms described are why I sought out medication in the first place.

Prayerfully, this finds everyone well.  Just having introspective exhaustion filled beginning week.  The review next Saturday will be interesting.  Do intend in future weeks to moving back to journaling my food and lifestyle choices.  It has worked for me before then when I felt better took on work that triggered a downward spiral.  We shall see what this detour of my journey will bring.

I have included one of the medicine ads for context.  Also, this one I find insulting, other people may not, but for me, just nails on a chalkboard.

Mother’s Day 2020

Happy Mother’s Day? Another year has come around to the holiday that I have equal joy and frustration. Yes, Mother’s Day is not a holiday I call it that because it is a day that families, media, stores, and religions comment. So in my simplistic thinking, any day that a large entity concentrates on is a holiday. 2020 Mother’s Day will look different for many unsure if people prepared for the changes.

Past Mother’s Day being eleven years in a grocery store, the florist was extremely busy. When working as a waitress or cook in restaurants, Sunday was always busy. In the time of COVID-19 and physical distancing, what will this day look like for families? How are mothers who have children manage the change of no restaurants except take out and florists not having as much of their average amount of flowers available? Joy and frustration, I expect.

Observation of how those with joy-filled memories celebrate mom; that portion of our society (US) observe Mother’s Day will not as be as grand as in past years. No going out to eat. How many mothers are going to end up having just another day because they had to prepare the food for the ‘get together’ to celebrate Mom? Flowers How many are going to be able to afford flowers? Indeed in this time of change cannot Mother’s Day change?

Instead of spending money that may not have or spending will cause problems further down the road. What about thinking about all the beautiful things mom did for you through the years. Call or create a card memorializing some of the fantastic things she did for you. A simple example ran your lunch up to the school when you forgot. Mom took you to a concert even though you had not finished your tasks as asked. Maybe get in the habit of thanking Mom through the year for what she does out of love. She watched her grandkids even though she had plans to meet up with friends that day and canceled so you could work or have a date night. Let’s celebrate Mom’s without all the frills using words and simple actions is as organic, inexpensive, and mean more for some than all the money in the world you may not have. This day does bring frustration to some.

Frustration for me is how big our media and marketing make this day. I understand why it does. Still does nothing to alleviate my frustration. Let’s look at other aspects of our society and culture before we move into my example. There are families young and old that Mom has passed away. A woman that, by personal choice, biologically, or financially are not a Mom. There may be people that, in the past or present, have a mother that has made choices that negatively impact their children. Changing the cultural and corporate juggernaut that is Mother’s Day or even Father’s Day is not feasible. Just asking people to be compassionate of those you connected with that this day may not be the ‘celebration’ the media wants us to spend. This year especially the money and ability to celebrate the joy is not there. Make a phone call offer to listen. Zoom or Skype a coffee/tea time to sit in each other presence; if feeling needs to speak, the opportunity is there. From personal experience, this day frustrates me.

Why is there frustration? Oh, let us count the ways, nevermind not worth it; let us give a brief overview. My mother was one that expected Mother’s Day, but I have no examples of wow she is a mother. Heck, my grandparents gave me a mother’s day present several years in a row, because I had been taking care of my younger sister as a mother would. Another negative memory sleeping in the garage, so my mother could have someone over. Others nothing was ever right for her I was too fat, lazy, and was never going to make something of myself. My grandmother on my dad’s side was who I learned how being a mom was quite unassuming and always there to help others. Mother’s day was celebrated at her home, and she, with grandpa, cooked and cleaned after the meal. Mother’s day in our home is a quiet affair that I have accepted and have peace of heart. My husband’s upbringing places him with the thought that “You are not my mother. Why would I say or get you anything?”. With no prompting from my husband, my daughter does not acknowledge this day. I have taken my lessons from grammy, and I graciously take this day as a blessing I have family and friends and not expect anything but a couple Happy Mother’s Day on Facebook and church pastor saying something.  

Another frustration is those that ask, “What are you are doing this Mother’s Day?” when I respond with “probably nothing as we do every year.” I feel judged that my life is lacking because my family does nothing as if I have done something wrong not to warrant my family, remembering me on this ‘important’ day. When I know, I do my husband is a fantastic financial provider but limits himself in what he assists with around the house. My daughter is a teenager with depression; do I need to expand on that scenario. So selfishly, I feel judged by the world around me. 

So I am at peace with where I am culturally, and society may not be picture-perfect, but I am not a conformist. I find myself blessed that over the years, I have worked through my feelings, and this day no long triggers mental health attacks—Depression from why does my family not love me. I give so much I change who and what I do to fit their needs, not my own so often. What more do I need to accomplish to have them show me, love? Anxiety from what others will think. Do they think I abuse my family? Do they think my family abuses me? What is wrong with her that they do not give her Mother’s Day presents or meal? Taken years, but I am at peace, my family is who their life experiences have created. I am who my life experiences shaped as with the rest of the world, we each find positive reinforcement of joy from all aspects of life. 

I will leave you with the history of Mother’s Day from the History Channel and two songs I enjoy listening to. Mandisa Overcomer and Dolly Parton – Eagle When She Flies videos. These videos remind me that we are all different life experiences and reactions. As individuals, it is okay to have weaknesses and strengths.   

Mandisa – Overcomer  

Dolly Parton – Eagle When She Flies (Official Video)

May this day find you well. May your emotional health be at peace with where you are now. We celebrate this day where we are not were media and culture says. As individuals, life will look different for each of us.

History channel’s information on the history of Mother’s Day

https://www.history.com/topics/holidays/mothers-day

Again, may this day find you well, as an individual trying to decide how to live well emotionally.  

Add on after posting, came across The Muppets: Happy Mother’s Day from Fozzie Bear and Ma Bear? Cute and light hearted, for those who have and can joy on this day. Made me chuckle mostly at .32 comment from Ma Bear.

Second add on since first posting this. I felt bad that I had forgotten the perspective of the Father’s out there striving to be Mom and Dad the best they can. Here is something simple for that.

Rory Feek singing about being a single (widowed) dad on Mother’s Day.

Hopefully the last add-on.

Week Review 5/3-8/2020

Past posts have been my perception of the success and failure of my time concerning the reality of living well with mental health and physical limitations. Last week offered an additional 15 hours of Home Health Aide work. Difficult decision to make taking the extra hours, due to the responsibilities I have at my own home, health, and family. When balanced against the exhaustion from anxiety/depression, sleep apnea, and other health concerns was unsure how that was going to go home wise.  

By Wednesday, I was ready to throw in the towel and blog my perception of failure. Before starting this experiment of blogging/public journaling, that would be my thought process still is a little. That small amount of doubt never seems to leave me for long; this week’s reasoning behind thoughts of failure. Some of the home organization projects that I had been slowly integrating into my life has stopped. The timing of the everyday items that I had been working on had shifted, and the amount of effort put into them changed drastically. Again this is less than half of what I used to be able to accomplish in years past. As the days progressed, I could sense my building emotional cloud of failure, and why do I even bother trying. Another voice I kept hearing, “I am such a failure that I cannot accomplish ‘basics.’ I am a worthless mother, wife, and employee.” Then the thought struck me during my paten pending internal thought bubble. That is the me that I am always trying to shed. Given the ‘joys’ of mental health will be revisited, often.

With contemplation and review by Friday, I have decided that this week’s additional work hours were a successful integration of my health and home life. How I decided they were a success, not a failure as earlier thought was many. Physically I had to remember due to work hours; I could no longer take my insomnia medication. That means as the week progressed, my body was unable to get a proper amount of sleep outside three to four hours. The hours also impacted eating breakfast due to medication restrictions and took some time to adjust the medication, food intake, and leaving for work. Another component that any energy I would have just after work for the physical house tasks was limited in completion. The limitation was positive and negative; my teenage daughter has been falling behind in her classwork due to her depression. She finally had a positive week and was working on assignments and required testing. To positively reinforce her progress, I rewarded her with her favorite take out for lunch most of the week. Yes, I just spent the financial increase on take-out and reinforced comfort/reward eating. Can I call it a win that I supported my local business? (shrugs shoulder) So instead of cleaning, I was ordering food and running errands. In contemplation, this week is a success for me.

Success comes in many shapes and sizes from the perception of this struggling to live well individual—silly and real overview of reasons again. I was able to increase my contribution to my home financially. I can make donations to the local food bank, church, and WCRF radio station. Maintained the basics dishes and laundry; may not be on the schedule I would prefer, but they got done. Cleaning may not be the deep clean I prefer, but the basic got done. Able to add the filling and taking all of my medications and vitamins this week. My daughter had a great week. I still blogged and journaled during the week. So I will take this as a win for surviving mental and physical health limitations.  

Live life to the fullest that you are emotionally and physically able to do. Came across this video compilation of our society and culture, the speaking was from a TED talk of Live Life to the Fullest by Steve Maraboli. Video in the background comes from a TED conference video made by Louie Schwartzberg. Collection created by YouTuber danoshow merged the speech, pictures, and music. Initially, I was not going to post this because I kept thinking that I could not live as he was describing. I was picturing my dream of acres of land and living off it. On the edge of the area, a bookstore/craft shop on the side of the property.

watch Video Compilation by danoshow

I may or may not reach that dream, but if I get up every morning to work toward that. That is a win because I am not letting my mental and physical health situation confine my living or dreaming—personal meaning of the compilation, the diversity of our society and culture around us as individuals. I have mentioned before living life to the fullest can even be getting up in the morning and eating breakfast. Not binge eating taking a walk instead, reading a book or scripture instead of sleeping the day away, having a fruit smoothie in the morning instead of ice cream, going into work instead of calling off or walking even if there are limitations such as holding onto a cane. Get up and strive to journey with your flaws, not let them hold you back. May mean redefining goals or even keep striving for them; you are the designer of your journey. Even when that journey is getting to the park bench with the perfect view that day, tomorrow is another day. Another day on the trip may see more done or just sitting on the park bench half-way to the original destination; an effort was made that is all that matters. Create your trip-tik (AAA), mapquest, or travel plan that works for you, health, and responsibilities.

Here are the videos first one is the compilation. Two and three are the original postings. All are motivating in their way.  

  1.  Danoshow – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRy6ZdOOws4
  2.  Moving Art – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj2ofrX7jAk 
  3.  Steve Maraboli – https://vimeo.com/107839708 Could not locate the TedTalk but did find it on Vimeo of a Q & A.

May next week be a success in whatever shape or form.

Below is my copy and past attempt at uplifting ideas and humour, sadly for some working on my humor is not on my evolving project lists (Sorry). Minion picture and motivation quote – 

Love Minions I feel like they represent the service industry (retail, housekeeping, waitress, hairdresser, etc). We are the workers without the respect for the hard work that we do. Cannot count the times I have been asked, 'When are you going to get a real job.' ugh people can't live with them or without them.
Love Minions I feel like they represent the service industry (retail, housekeeping, waitress, hairdresser, etc). We are the workers without the respect for the hard work that we do. Keep up the great work even without the public accolades. Society cannot live out us but do not know how to acknowledge that.
Cannot count the times I have been asked, ‘When are you going to get a real job.’ ugh people can’t live with them or without them.

FYI – still not in a good spot anxiety wise for reading and responding to comments. But leaving the comments section open. Maybe I will jump off the anxiety cliff and begin reading them in the future. Please no one hold their breath because this is an aspect of life that is years old. I have to build myself up to just listen to voicemails or read email responses. So yeah no hope soon of me working on this path in my life journey.

References

AAA trip tik Definition, https://triptik.aaa.com/home/, With this complete road trip planner, you can also access AAA Travel Guides and Road Trips companion resources. Travel Guides provide in-depth destination information with links to articles, videos, travel tips, and more. Road Trips illustrated with maps and images nearly 500 worthwhile and scenic drives throughout North America, with a descriptive narrative for each leg and recommended things to see and do, including GEM attractions offering an excellent experience for members.

thedanoshow (YouTuber), Live Life to the Fullest, Dr. Steve Maraboli, Ted Talks, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRy6ZdOOws4

Moving Art, Gratitude, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj2ofrX7jAk

Steve Maraboli, A Life Well Lived, https://vimeo.com/107839708

Minion Inspiration Quote,  https://i.pinimg.com/736x/b7/43/36/b74336c3d2c41eb0a38053a101b90264–minions–funny-minion.jpg

hmm what are they thinking?

Hmm, what are they thinking, and why do I keep letting my anxiety care what others are saying and doing?

I am still struggling with my anxiety, wearing a mask in public. The fear I feel out of place by wearing mine. Many of the people in my community is not wearing one, and my husband is one of those choosing not to wear one. He has been diagnosed but by personal choice untreated asthmatic, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, Stage 2 Diabetes, and fatty liver. He believes in the herd immunity in regards to COVID-19. Herd immunity, according to Oxford, is, ‘The resistance to the spread of a contagious disease within a population that results if a sufficiently high proportion of individuals are immune to the disease, especially through vaccination.’ Mayo Clinic has an article and video further explaining the cost of going this route. Below is Mayo Clinic’s Video.

Mayo Clinic – Understanding herd immunity

Additionally, you have those not wearing masks because they feel that the government is trying to control them. Psychology Today, written by Seth J. Gillihan Ph.D., Why Are Masks Triggering Conflict and Rage?. This author addresses what he saw as political, health, fear, and economic breakdown. He finished the article with that this debate will continue but also not to assume or become irritated by other’s choices. His final paragraph is a simple example but put a positive spin on choosing to wear a mask.

Everyone has had to make sacrifices during national emergencies, like military service, during times of war. Our forebears gave up their freedom to eat chocolate during World War II so that more of it could go to the soldiers. Wearing a mask could be seen as a patriotic expression of self-sacrifice, as you do your part to defend our country from a microscopic invader. Wear it with pride as you hold onto your liberties.

I guess I keep returning to this one subject for selfish and childish reasons. Wearing a mask took a lot of effort on my part with my anxiety and still does to wear it in public. To see people in the media become abusive, violent, and offensive over a piece of material that could mean the difference between someone staying healthy or dying seems such a simple thing to do and move us faster toward finding our new normal. Yes, I do understand there is a small percentage due to severe reasons that may not be able to wear a mask, that is not what keeps agitating me. It is the fact that since the beginning of May, if I see ten people in a store, only one or two is wearing a mask. That is not including the employees. So of the no mask arguments are written about in Business Insider by Anna Medaris Miller’ Anti-maskers’ say they should not be forced to cover their faces in public because medical conditions mean they cannot wear a mask.

So I am back again with, I can only control myself, and even though my anxiety has me feeling like I am judged for wearing it. I shall continue to wear one to honor the employees that are wearing one and that I do not think that their lives and the lives of the other customers around me have so low of a value that I will wear such a simple thing to follow through. Additionally, being a Home Health Aide of a Quadriplegic, I do not want to be responsible for this individual becoming ill because I brought it into the home. Additionally, if wearing one allows us to move our economy further forward and faster, than let us do this. On a silly note, I will probably revisit this subject when I realize that my tan line will show that I wear a mask.  

Here is 5/6/2020 Mayo Clinic Q & A podcast: How to clean during COVID-19. Mayo Clinic 5/6/2020 – Cleaning during COVID-19. Figured I would include this also because if our medical community is concerned, it is a viable health concern. Felt this was a high reinforcement of why we are still following through the CDC and our state government’s requests.  

I may take a historical perspective to this repeated mask befuddlement and our world health crisis and personal impact. Was going to do the 1918 flu pandemic but ran across another health crisis that is the polio scare. Shows the years involved in a life change and that the young impacted. CBS Sunday Morning did a quick view of how Polio affected our country.  CBS Sunday Morning – Conquering the polio epidemic. I guess I keep trying to find verification that everything we currently have to deal with, both health, emotional, and economic is not a farce but real.

Another reason I am still agitated about the subject of masks outside of running errands and seeing the lack of covers. While I was going through my Facebook newsfeed, I read a post at the end of April that keeps bothering me. The individual communicated they felt this was like the cold and flu, and that masks were not needed. The individual argument was we do not ask people to wear masks when we have colds. I guess the part that bothered me is the person involved has family members that are cancer survivors. Unsure if the post itself that bothers or even those that agreed. Another aspect is more personal that I have a personal history with the person and family, and their choices negatively impacted my daughter. Have read other posts and even news articles that balance out the no or yes toward masks. So is my mask agitation part anxiety, and this individual’s position brought up feelings of anger I had toward how my daughter was bullied. This anger was the attack on my daughter and the lack of personal responsibility from the family. The situation seems to emotionally separate but linked with the subject of masks that just fueled the anger I thought resolved toward the family. Will you look at that my humanity comes forth and shows I am a flawed individual that has a hard time forgiving those that attack my family.

Deep down, I have to say I am a flawed individual that anxiety still wears on me in regards to the mask in public no matter what. This will be a constant burden just due to the nature of how my anxiety impacts me. Heck mowing the lawn, I am praying no-one is out or looking through their windows because I fear to mow and to look wrong. Yes, it is silly, but even now, I still am agitated and avoid it as long as I can. Also though I know it is irrational, and unless my husband gets to it, my ½ acre of the yard looks like I am trying for hay. Well, now that I have scared you about anxiety and mowing the lawn. I think I will sign off sounds like a safe solution.

Before you go, I did run into a video created by New York Times writers Sanya Dosani and Adam Westbrook. It is a compilation of Ohio’s Dr. Amy Acton, where they condensed seven weeks of briefings and presented the high points of positive reinforcement round out and reinforced that it is okay to feel out of sorts and unsure. Time mark 4:47 has the best reminder that is striving to accept that we are in a new ordinary and that things change. It is okay to feel out of sorts.

New York Times Opinion Video – The Leader We Wish We All Had

Hopefully, the next time my mind will have found a different subject to dwell on. 

Again thank you to those who take the time to read. Have a beautiful day keep plugging along. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

References

Oxford Dictionary, https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/herd_immunity, 5/6/2020

herd immunity, NOUN, The resistance to the spread of a contagious disease within a population that results if a sufficiently high proportion of individuals are immune to the disease, primarily through vaccination. ‘the level of vaccination needed to achieve herd immunity varies by disease but ranges from 83 to 94 percent.’

Mayo Clinic, By DeeDee Stiepan, Understanding herd immunity, May 4, 2020, https://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/discussion/understanding-herd-immunity/

Psychology Today, Seth J. Gillihan Ph.D., Why Are Masks Triggering Conflict and Rage?

Face masks have become a contentious issue in the debate around Covid-19.

Posted May 06, 2020, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/202005/why-are-masks-triggering-conflict-and-rage

CBS Sunday Morning, Conquering the polio epidemic, May 4, 2020, Rita Braver, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIIIYx_1Mrg&feature=push-u-sub&attr_tag=JX0FR4UhGG-fSa30%3A6

Difference Between.com, Difference Between Paraplegic and Quadriplegic, September 1, 2017 Posted by Ranidu, https://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-paraplegic-and-vs-quadriplegic/

The New York Times, The Leader We Wish We All Had, By Sanya Dosani and Adam Westbrook•May 5, 2020, https://www.nytimes.com/video/opinion/100000007111965/coronavirus-ohio-amy-acton.html?src=vidm

Business Insider, ‘Anti-maskers’ say they should not be forced to cover their faces in public because medical conditions mean they cannot wear a mask, Anna Medaris Miller, 5/6/2020, https://www.businessinsider.com/anti-maskers-say-they-cant-wear-masks-because-medical-conditions-2020-5