Heat in Ohio has been draining at 90 plus all week with no central air, just fans and Arctic Air (https://www.buyarcticair.com/). Side note: the Artic Air does work and keeps my desk area cool enough for me to work at. I did not accomplish as much as my mind wanted to but have to say I am proud of what I was able to accomplish. Keep striving to remind me that success comes in many different shapes and sizes.
Success for me is another eight boxes of clothing and housewares to Goodwill. I renewed my Social Worker Assistant certification, which is thirty hours of Continued Education Credits. I was able to adjust my thought that it was okay that I did not walk this week. Healthwise it was not safe. Acknowledge and upload my cluttered mess that I am striving to remove.
Removing clutter/hoarding is hard because you never know when you will need it, always been my go-to thought. I have to acknowledge that to move forward emotionally and physically. I can not make life changes if I do not toss and recycle. It has felt great to downsize and keep working on it and got one four-shelf metal shelving emptied and refilled with my clothes that I am trying to downsize or prioritize.
Honestly the beginning of the week was moving toward negative because I did not feel the pop of energy I was planning on using my C-PAP machine for my sleep apnea. Nevermind the device excerpted my sinus. I have a message into my specialist to see if there is anything I can do to counteract that without taking another medication. I have had some success with an essential oil mix I use from Doterra called Breathe, mix it with coconut oil, and dab under my nose before I sleep. They also have a roll-on already mixed. It seems to decrease the sinus agitation but does not entirely remove it, which may not be possible. But we shall see. PLEASE, if you try this, either verify you do not have any allergies to the ingredient list or check with your doctor if you are lucky and have one that accepts alternative trying methods. I have not had any luck in my area except my chiropractor that my insurance will cover.
All and all will rate this emotionally as a success. Going to strive to work next week on my planned reviews of a professional explaining general anxiety that I started a couple of weeks ago and my scriptural anxiety continuation.
Signing off, keep striving for your version of personal success. It looks different to everyone. We all have struggles, some are more visible than others. Thank you to those who keep reading.
Media over the Week I found helpful in keeping going forward away from the triggers to my anxiety and depression of not fitting into the louder constructive opinions.
Song from Before July 4th
Just love the reminder that even during all this negative chaos and hypocrisy around the country, there is still a segment of our society concentrating on their skills and gifts to lift others and remind us of the importance of freedom, family, and caring others.
Below is another church message from Tony Evans about the Cultural Issues. I do find his research and ability to give biblical and current visuals well. Warning: I have discovered when he speaks/preaches from the pulpit, his voice does raise in volume (sounds like yelling to me at least). The message just struck a chord to me, reflecting the society and culture diversity does bring home that as individual people, we are responsible for how we live. Even in the Bible, there were examples of hypocrisy by believers.
For me, it helped when I kept struggling with watching the media and the severe separations of ideas on face masks, racism, and statue destruction. Keep hold of concentrating on treating those around me with respect and voting for politicians that are striving to vote based on the laws written by our forefathers and when possible biblical.
I started this at 330 am on Friday, had an insomnia night. I cannot take the medication because it is too late and allow me to function at work in four hours. Figured I would start my review early instead of Saturday as usual.
I had a great week and was able to walk 2 miles with my daughter Tuesday and Thursday. It made me super tired the next day but was able to add walking, which was great. This Friday, I finally received a C-Pap machine again; unfortunately, they will not allow me to use my old ones. These are expensive, it is close to $800, and that is with insurance. Okay, going to stop that thought review medical and insurance lack of coverage frustrates me. Side note still trying to find somewhere to donate my two old ones, Was suggested to contact the VA (Veterans Affairs), has not heard from anyone.
With the hope this time, the machine will help me sleep through the night, the last two did not. Between the apnea and depression, my energy is limited. Should this work where I truly start to declutter and Anxiety wise do I lay myself bare and show my real journey of hoarding/clutter? So many ideas, but my brain keeps short-circuiting on the way to proper completion. Well, slightly tired, so hopefully I can sleep for an hour and pick this review back up on Saturday like I usually do.
Well did not succeed in picking up working on the review Saturday. Unsure if this decrease in energy is the 90-degree weather with no air conditioner or the fact that my body is adjusting to a little more sleep. We will see as the week goes forward.
I have to say that I feel successful. I was able to add walking, got another four boxes of stuff donated, and shifted some furniture around to determine if I was going to keep or give some furniture pieces. Light week for my Anxiety and depression, which is excellent. Part of it, I think, was going back to limiting my news watching and trying not to fix a culture schism that I have little direct contact with for a real change. Additionally, I was able to add more exercise and time with my daughter to my time.
Short but do not have much to review from this week except I did finally also put together what I have for a posting on Anxiety and scripture that I have been scared to post. Scared to insult due to how we all walk our lives differently, but if I live my life scared to present my ideas, I might stop now. Which is honestly not something I want to do. I have found great enjoyment in putting my thoughts and creativity on paper. Have a great week, and we will see how this one moves forward since my area of the world is having another 90 degrees weather week.
I had a pretty good week with my anxiety and depression in regards to my family and home. Not sure whether that would be the case as the week started. For a variety of reasons, the strongest one continues is anxiety over the media’s presentation of the topic of racism and my accountability and reaction. Another difference to the week was having to put our family dog, who was eleven years old, down; she had a stroke. Both of these subjects seem to overwhelm my free time. Even with the distractions outside the norm, I was able to make some progress on my downsizing project. So proud of myself that I could keep moving forward. I do not have much to contribute outside my last Eureka thought at 3 am on Saturday. Please bear with me the return to the topic of racism. Keeps me up, as we’ve seen from past logs the problem of racism in my accountability to that topic from the midwest US. The issue keeps pushing at my anxiety to figure out where my place is in this world, where I can feel that I am not impacting people negatively by my actions.
Had a eureka moment, I have struggled with the words that I keep hearing and not understanding white privilege when it comes to the news commentators because I don’t see it to the extent they claim it is around me. Please, I am not saying it is not there, but the media keeps pushing us to sign up for hate groups, from my perspective, that is farthest from the truth or need for the problem. From a personal perspective, my position as a mom and older person has consequences as well. Not as severe as the black community, but as a mom and someone having worked 20 plus years in retail, my options for employment are limited.
I chose to work second shift retail, so I could stay home during the day with my daughter allowing her dad to take care of her at night. This choice destroyed any chance I had getting any form of office career. Career is the scheme of white privilege according to the media for me to lord over everyone. Office work and a college degree from the beginning is essential to getting into executive positions. Even in retail, there are limited opportunities if you choose to place family before career. Now, this becomes fruitless because I don’t have any networking connection; I don’t have a 3.0 GPA. When I bring up in conversation that I’ve been in retail for 20 years, I’m looked down upon as if I was to stupid to work in an office.
I can’t wrap my head around those words that I have white privilege, and all blacks feel attacked just by being in this country. We live in a country where sports stars and musicians get paid millions and a high percentage is African Americans. Do not get me started that they are complaining that they are in danger of getting sick as they plan the game schedules. That has not stopped them from going to retail stores with working people that do not have their money to pay for PPE supplies. Also, I don’t even know what to call people anymore because the media is representing everybody getting offended. I’m tired of being told I’m a horrible person because I’m white. I childishly want this all to stop. I want to watch the news again without feeling like I am a worthless person. I do anyway because of my anxiety, and the media keeps putting me back to square one.
Slightly different but still about minority groups that were and looked down on. I did find some sadness and humor in my reading of the current news article about the Remington Gun company declaring bankruptcy but that the Navajo Tribe may buy them. Situation tickled my funny bone a small amount, not that people will lose their jobs but that an Indian tribe is purchasing a company that provided weapons to enslave them hundreds of years ago. Nevermind that some of the Indian tribes own casinos. The sadness and humor/justice for me is that whites introduced alcohol to the Native Americans which prompted alcoholism. They are now returning the favor through the addiction to gambling. Just gave me hope that through all of this current chaos, the world will still keep moving forward and that things will improve.
So let me wrap this up. Was it a successful week? Yes, it was. I have accepted AGAIN, that pleasing the media and politicians cannot be done. Also, I do not see people as the media and violent protestors do. All I can do is be who I am, a person that tries to please everyone I come in contact with, as I always have. At least one or two people that I come in contact with will be offended by what I say or do. I am not, nor have I ever been perfect. Will I keep trying to understand the other argument? Strive to understand the larger picture of life and that unfortunately means watching the news. I did run across a gentleman who posted a well-done video from his perception of living black in America, and he speaks with Mathew Mcaheny and the Gaines family. I have included his first video explaining why he has created these videos. I did enjoy listening to the dialogue between him and his other guests. In the first video, personally find his tone condescending (that could just be me). He does present an amazing personal perspective of the current topic media of racism, even though it seems to be moving back to the pandemic.
Again, sorry for the revisit of this tiring subject, the media just keeps sending me into fits of what a horrible person I am and spent time trying to work through that for the umpteenth time. Prayerfully, I will return to my anxiety research and personal thoughts of the presentation. Keep healthy and move forward. We got this as individuals even when some days look bad the next day or hour has a chance of being better.
Some random thoughts came to mind as I did my brief overview of national and local news. Why must we be so confrontational in our society? I do not have a real answer to this one. Except maybe we should listen to each other. I see confrontation as individual groups speak what they think but do not hear what the other group is saying. Finding a balance between fact and opinion seems to be an excellent place to start and reach a compromise, which seems to be a losing art form. Current and historical answers that I am basing these thoughts from is below for anyone interested in reading.
Very uncomfortable by a small section of our society that is about destroying the monuments of our past. What if we instead relocate them and describe why they are no longer viable as a monument or leave them with a description or a comparison statute showing the change of heart in society. Present as a celebration of United States maturity as a mixed culture. There is talk of destroying Mount Rushmore. Why? When did we lose sight of what our country stands on? The United States used to pride itself as a melting pot of nationalities, culture, ideas, and history. Not all of it is pretty, but as a people, we can learn, grow, and change to a better society.
Making changes becomes a danger; not all aspects of needs addressed when handled quickly. How many people have been hurt by the removal of police from different cities? This subject still weighs on my heart and mind with the chaos around us and the knee jerk reaction to things that they genuinely do not understand. This lack of understanding comes from not living the situation and only have statistics or reports written by biased individuals pushing a goal.
I still have only my reaction to voting and how to treat others. Just my anxiety and depression keep struggling to watch our politicians make change without fundamental research and discussion with the people genuinely involved. Who is involved with underinsured people, all citizens of all culture and nationality, and the first line police. When did we become a nation that relied on statistics and mob mentality, not the larger group’s needs? Not an aspect I can wrap my anxiety around because I am just one person and cannot change everything but myself.
Corporate, Plantations, Business Owners, both current and past, have needed the lower masses’ labor. The Industrial Nation was moved forward on the backs of low income, immigrants, and their children. Chinese built our western railroad. People of color made our world through cotton, westward movement, tobacco, and many more. Our government killed and locked up our Native Americans. There will always be a segment of our society that is negatively impacted by policy, social change, or big business. Where can we go from here as individuals? That is all we have because, as a society at large, there has been a segment of culture that initially does not fit but has as the years pass that can change if we move forward well.
What about our Chinese society that rules were out in place to limit the businesses they could own? What about the need for mental health care or finances that can cause people to not succeed in potential, become homeless, or be in prison? What happened to the topic of how low women are paid or chose family over career until later in life and career options decrease? How about the high cost of healthcare and insurance companies not covering needed care?
There costs to all rules, politics, and corporate needs. Yes, all of us being equal would be fantastic, but it is not feasible without losing a lot of freedom. I want to live in a country where with hard work, sacrifice, and chance, I can better myself. That is not possible in countries that oversee all aspects of their citizens’ lives. If we keep pushing for social change to happen without accurate planning, if we are not careful, the changes will endanger the freedom and sacrifices that our forefathers have made, and a dream for other world citizens to strive to join. By destroying our monuments and passing rules and changes regulating our decisions. All I ask as the months move closer to November, we research all aspects of our local, state, and federal politicians, not just news and social media’s most significant voice.
Unsure why this topic keeps scaring me. I am scared of some of the current decisions made that seem short-sighted and are genuinely not for the whole. YES, there is a crisis in our nation about segregation, but all minorities have some abuse history. The black community seems to have a higher amount at this time and the past. Why do I fear to monitor every word out of my mouth? The media is presenting our society as all racist, uncaring individuals. We have things being changed, such as Aunt Jemima logo, Uncle Ben, and Cream of Wheat. Why must these be replaced when they show an individual as a respectful creator of the product or trusted individual suggestion to consume. We are moving toward the point that we cannot use the word white or black. If that is the case, do we need Crayola to remove these two colors from the crayon and marker box? How far is this going to go? The Dixie Chicks have changed their name to Chicks, so isn’t chicks derogatory toward women? Just some questions I have that I do not have answers to. All I have is more anxiety as to how I will write or talk who will it offend. Then I realize at this point even if I sneeze, someone will be hurt. All I can do is be transparent that I do not mean to insult; it is just where my current knowledge places my opinion.
Prayerfully, this finds everyone well. Thank you to those who read and follow. We will survive, but let’s strive to live well and be proud of who we are to others and fit in this ever-growing topic of change—living as an individual, not as a whole unit. We are individual puzzle pieces to the greater whole of the world. I am striving to remember that each puzzle piece shaped differently to make the whole picture. It is okay if I fit into the whole, but I will not be the same as everyone.
A quick side note was going to post the links to the Black Lives Matter website, but there is so much out on the web that came up on the search that I got confused, and I felt alienated and more scared than I was before just by reading them. Now just going to stick to what I have and keep trying to find a knowledge level that keeps my depression and anxiety on an even keel on this subject.
Current News Links that started this rambling idea.
Ran across this song and explanation of God Bless the U.S.A. by Lee Greenwood. It gave me hope that we will all recover from these polarizing and dividing situations of 2020.
I have also included a scriptural perspective on the race discussion from Tony Evans, who I have found to be reliable but easy to understand the biblical teaching. Yes, I know not every church person does not follow, but remember, even in the church, there is left, right, and in between individuals, we all have different ways of hearing. Many forget or find a hard time to live what they hear. As an individual, we are responsible for striving to live respectful of God’s teaching, but we are also human and miss massively all we can do is keep trying. At least that is my perspective because I even have met people that I am embarrassed to say I am a Christian.
Was a successful week emotionally. Wow, that is amazing that I can write that right from the get-go. The beginning of the week started slowly and picked up speed as the week moved to completion. I’m not sure how I can replicate it in the future or accept the amazing and celebrate it when it repeats.
The week started roughly due to needing a tooth pulled and a temporary bridge put in. Choose to go home without pain killers even at the end of the week, still unsure what prompted me to agree to that. My dentist said something odd that got me thinking about myself that I am still uncertain about how to think through. He was under the impression that I did not do pain killers; he would be correct. How do I present myself that a professional would guess that? Going to leave that alone, I think, because nothing will be gained by overthinking. I did stay working in the mornings and work a little slower on my home responsibilities.
I was able to continue on my house care items but continue to work on downsizing. Downsizing is extremely slow going. Keep getting bogged down with keeping stuff that I genuinely do not need. The memory is inducing items I am taking a photo, putting a story with the picture, then Goodwilling the thing. But that takes time and energy that I keep having and not having.
Sleep study results finally came in having medium level sleep apnea. Already knew that from past tests going to for the third time, try a c-pap machine. Hopefully, with this specialist, I can find a resolution to the fact that I still wake up between the hours of 1 – 3 am even with the device. So that was some good and bad news. I was still waiting to hear from the company that will provide the equipment. Hopefully, the insurance will pay for it thoroughly, and I will not have a severe bill. The sleep study had a several hundred price tag that was hard to cover. Well, let’s strive not to over-worry about that while I have no information till they call.
Another great thing was I was able to work through my anxiety again and started my YouTube channel. It is not much, but I was looking for a place that I could place daily rambling thoughts. I was looking for a place that I could upload those five to ten-minute anxiety and depression inducing feelings that I would love to talk to someone about but have no one. I wanted to start the page just to let people know they are not alone. We all have good days and bad days. Was not a full success with my anxiety, I have a real worry about showing my face, so I film the sky or trees. Today was a look of me driving while I was talking. Posting is entirely rough and unscripted. Concentration is the spur of the moment thoughts that are pushing at my anxiety. The part is that I am presenting an unprofessional image, but that is not what I was going for in the first place—one more aspect of trying to help myself and maybe someone else that may be struggling. Also, feeling alone with those irrational anxiety thoughts that we can not always control even if we would love to.
I have to say I’m not happy with my minimal progress on downsizing, but that is putting myself down and downplaying my growth. Very happy that I have moved through my anxiety of being public and not striving for perfection when uploading my YouTube submission. Additionally, part of my sense of peace came from the fact that I limited my watching news media to just local.
Here is the link for the You Tube video. Transparency it is just a rough rambling thoughts. So please do not expect professional it is just a person wanting to show life with mental health in a honest walk. Have other videos working on to add.
For the fathers out there today, have a good day as you celebrate with your families. Those that do not have the ability due to so many different situations. May be able to celebrate on another day either in person or in memories. Father’s Day, like Mother’s Day, can be a joy or pain depending on the situations involved in an individual’s life.
For me, there is little to work with. My father passed away in the late eighties, but honestly not missed. It took years to accept that I did not have the picture-perfect father, and it was okay to feel pain. Will you look at that I married someone that holds little for Father’s Day as well? The benefit is that I have no expenses for this day. My husband will call his dad instead of a visit, but that is okay with his father, so it must be a family tradition.
Growing up, my family, holiday get-togethers at my grandparents, was a priority. My grandmother always made great desserts, and my grandfather made a great meal. Which now that I have typed that looks wrong that my grandfather had to prep the lunch at least on Father’s Day. For him, it was ‘survival’ grammy made amazing desserts meal were not her skill; she was terrific at grampa was. Then I remembered that we grilled and grandpa and I always cooked together. Grandpa was the one who taught me that when preparing for four cooks for five so that the two people cooking can test/sample the fifth piece to make sure it ‘tasted’ good. I loved cooking with grandpa and hearing about living in Northern Maine and growing up in a logging camp. I miss him still, and he has gone for 24 years. He was my father figure when his son could not. I feel so blessed to learn so much from him. When I live a life, I strive to honor my grandfather and grandmother.
Even for those without the ‘normal’ mother or father relationship, hopefully, we have had a family member or mentor that filled the spot of a father. Nothing in this current world of living life as you see fit says you cannot honor the individual instead of a family member that missed out on living being like a father. Olay ad that fits the point I am trying to make about the variety of father figures out there have someone step forward. As seen in some of the images and comments sections may not match the norm, but some of us cannot live healthily. Nevermind that normal is a myth.
When considering researching anxiety and how professionals and non-professionals see the facts and opinions of what anxiety means and how to live well with it, I would like to be upfront about these posts intended to present my walk with anxiety. Over the years, I have found textbooks and presentations on mental health can sometimes feel demoralizing. Understanding that professionals do not mean to be but from where my past and current walk with mental health has had good days and severely bad days. I do not consider myself a professional communicating how to live one’s life with mental health, just someone trying to find a balance between living daily with mental health. This journey with medication and minimal professional care due to finances. When living with Mental Health, it is best practice to seek a professional to walk side by side with you.
For transparency, I have a bachelor’s degree in Psychology, and the state of Ohio has a Social Worker Assistant Certification. I keep up my certification should there ever be an opportunity to find work in Ohio using my education. Still, Ohio companies only want Licensed Social Workers and Masters of Social Work. Also, my first job started as an activities staff to develop a dementia program that was discontinued and told to replace the outgoing Social Worker in a Nursing Home Dementia Locked unit. After a year and a half became burnt out by no time in my day. My desire to help families during this challenging time. When combining family with paperwork, overwhelming miscellaneous tasks, and paperwork required for each individual and family. Both priorities became too much because it became about paperwork and checking the state-required documentation box, not the care and support of the individual and family.
Temporarily off-topic, I was not surprised by the high numbers of deaths in Nursing Homes during the COVID-19 pandemic. It has nothing to do with staff, not caring; they lack support and compact quarters. Clear communication that matches the corporate owners and federal and state agencies is lacking. The close quarters of nursing homes also contribute to these high numbers. Toward the end of my time, thereby burn out see nursing homes a non-traditional prison of our elderly, and I do not see how that will change, giving them more federal and state-mandated paperwork is not it. Filling out questionnaires or forms on client care, is not it? It is enough staff having the time and energy of treating them like family.
Additionally, corporate and federal structures giving the facilities the money they need to hire and staff for all the positions required. Nevermind, I do not understand how a nurse in a nursing home or hospital can give safe care on a 12-hour shift. The amount of paperwork and phone calls balanced to the minimal amount of staff do not allow for the warm care marketed in ads. When even now, cleaning personnel, activities, Certified Nursing Assistants, and Nurses do not have the time to care for all of the emotional nursing home population needs. Never mind that the money given by the federal government does not correctly support the client’s actual needs when on Medicare. For those with family, all I can say is research as well as you can the facility you can place a relative in a facility and visit often. There are good ones out there that take time to find what finds the needs of your family. Oops, sorry, went off on a tangent this was a painful part of my life giving up a dream of social work and counseling was hard. Let us return to why I am pursuing this search for mental health care.
Degree pursuit consequence on my mental health was the autopilot when taking on to much to smother my anxiety. Neither of these makes me a professional to help, just an individual striving for finding what works and what personally does not on this walk through life with mental health that ebbs and flows like the tide. If one has been on the Cape Cod shoreline during low tide, the smell of the mud is horrendous. But with that muck smell comes some fantastic things in life oysters, clams, mussels, crabs, and seaweed. So I strive to remember that with the muck and offensive odors of life with mental health comes impressive things if we are willing to search through the muck to retrieve them and see them how they are successes. Okay, so where do we go from here? I didn’t promise to post these on set days; experience shows I cannot maintain that, and then my depression kicks in, reminding me what a failure I am for not keeping my word.
Thoughts are two fold I am going to work with two aspects of my life so that I can strive to find a happy medium. As many with mental health know, there is a portion of the culture or religion that does not understand how to speak to mental health except that Christ or for others higher power of choice or cultural structure reinforce. Some will say, ‘You do not believe, do enough work, or follow your doctor’s instructions.’ Yes, that may be the case on some days, but not all the time. When one does not take their medications, see their professional, or eat, sleep, or exercise correctly, you’re not helping yourself, yes that is a part. There are days, though, that is a struggle even when everything is aligned.
Working through Anxiety Research by segments, I want to walk through an educational platform or presentations I have located online. I want to present mental health facts through the perception and education of a professional and balance out how I am hearing the piece and arrive at how I take it and either help me or because of where I have to discard temporarily. We are all individuals who will work for one does not always work for another.
Another section of this site will have where I am coming from with Christianity perception of mental health. Due to the volatile nature of religion in the world at large and my fragile walk with anxiety and depression. I will upload on the main blog with a distinct title then later move to a separate area so that those who are comfortable can read and research themselves and balance what they need from an education standpoint without bringing religion or culture into the mix. Again, transparency, I will on the faith section be using scripture mostly from King James Version of the Bible and a variety of Commentaries and walk through well-meaning signs or scripture verses people post for mental health.
So the post that caught my eye for the educational platform was from North Shore Stress & Anxiety Clinic right off the get-go. I have no connection to them; it is just a piece I found on YouTube. The title of the presentation is, Don’t Worry, Be Happy? Understanding the Nature of Worry and Anxiety by Dr. Rami Nader, a Registered Psychologist, was presented on February 19, 2015. Below is the hour-long presentation. Then in later posts, I will strive to go through and give what and how I hear the offered information. Chose this one because I found it an easy listen and registered with me. Allowed me to find some balance in my life, what was genuine worry and what is an Anxiety.
I hope this finds everyone well. I look forward to continuing to find balance in walking through life with mental health on the shore of finding success even during the success and failure as our mind sees growth. On a positive note, I am closer to finding the inner strength to work on uploading to YouTube. Also, as a positive, I am still creating my t-shirts even though there are no sales. I take this as a success because I have kept moving forward even with the negativity.
Have a great week, and may everyone enjoy their journey of life even during the good and the bad days. We can learn from all our days even when we do not want to.
This week went well for the most part. I had a couple of anxiety spikes but was able to determine the thoughts had no foundation. I want to call ‘thoughts had no foundation’ as irrational, but depending on my day, the word irrational makes me feel worse. Let’s journey forward to review this week’s potholes.
What made this week a success is I was able to keep specific anxiety thoughts down to less than a day. One, I had to rely on the individual involved how they felt. I was rather proud of myself that I could ask the next day instead of several days later. That several days delays normally impacted those around me negatively and my energy and activities. Where does that leave me?
I think in a decent spot. On the home front, the physical tasks it takes to run a home got done. In my anxiousness, I only once got upset and responded negatively to my family. Where this stems from is that taking care of the house is done by me. My husband provides financially, and my daughter is a teen journeying to young adulthood. Motivating her has become a personal failure that is going to take me more time to accept. For the parents out there, yes, I know it is her responsibility now. The struggle is over reviewing her upbringing and what I could have done differently. Long way of saying I am the chief cook, bottle washer, clothes, and finances. So when my anxiety and depression turn into more exhaustion and physical pain than my other physical limitations already give. I get frustrated with the lack of help. So for me, I found success that I only lashed out once while I was overwhelmed. Lashing out for me is not keeping my internal dialogue to myself and speaking out loud.
This week’s only non-resolution, and I still wobble back and forth on, is the current subject of racism and social interaction. What I keep anxiously dwelling on even though I thought I had resolved where my place was on this? My anxiety took me to extremes; here is my example. I went to McDonald’s and ordered what I always did, a ‘Black Iced Coffee’. When asked about flavoring, I said no cream, no sugar, no flavor. Upon picking up, I got a coffee with milk in it. Yes, this may have been a simple mistake, but my anxiety took me to extreme thinking. I took it because I did not want to back up the drive-thru, and I had water, so I was at least not out of fluid. Got me overthinking did they put milk in it because they responded to me using the word black. Am I no longer allowed to order coffee black? I have always ordered it this way. Some will comment, say plain. I guess I can, but is not this subject going too far that we have to worry over every little word we use. Multiple people have lost their jobs for knee jerk comments. Heck Netflix took Gone With the Wind off due to the subject matter are they going to do the same for the movie Roots or any other Civil War based movie or movies Like Guess who’s Coming to Dinner with Sidney Potier. My anxiety is not dealing well with this whole situation.
Side note while editing this Gone with the Wind is being re-uploaded with historical context prior. Which I must say is excellent, hopeful that the historical context will be an impartial review of truth. In regards to McDonald’s in my pain, I did contact the store, which, thinking back on it, struggled if I should have done this. Why because my anxiety is going to place me in a position of not going back there because I may have offended someone, and they will be angry with me. Of course, coming from that industry of customer service in retail, it is ‘irrational’ to think they will remember me when I return in two to three weeks from now since I am not a regular.
I feel selfish, saying that I am terrified about talking and interacting with people right now. Smiling at people or waving. We have a segment of our society saying by being silent; you are advocating racism. How can we support when we are unsure where and what we think over a subject being reported differently and reference materials are different depending on who is presenting it? We worry about how to speak what we are thinking and are severely unsure of how another individual reacts, or do we lose a friendship? As the racism wrecking ball moves into legislation, how will this impact other groups that do not fit the norm when politicians are writing all-inclusive language that will make things worse.
Thoughts of a weekly review are daily anxiety I did amazingly well on, so let’s mark that a success. On the subjects pushed by mainstream media and social media of racism, police defunding, and now the situation in Seattle, Washington occupying a whole block. Below are a couple links to the Seattle subject; it is two of multiple postings out there all different than the next. I feel like a failure. I cannot seem to drop the anxious thoughts impacting my daily activities. Strive to smile and nod at everyone, no matter who they are. Still cause worry that they are offended.
As I work through my anxiety research project and how to interact with myself and others. Hopefully, I have put together something that will help me find a happy medium between being aware of current news subjects but not allowing my mind to consume me by worse case thoughts.
I was going to leave my review here. This week’s pothole on this journey called life will be a success in personal life. Interaction on a societal level marks a failure when balanced against the media, but a success when looked at I have not allowed it to send me to an anxiety attack that put a full stop to my day and week, just a couple hours here and there. Keep journeying forward, life looks different no matter who you are.
Well, I see I have lied to myself. I was planning to stay away from the Black Lives Matter subject in my posts. As an individual and upbringing, I do not feel I have a right to concentrate on the subject, partly due to limited impact. For health reasons, I need to focus on the professional and self-healing of my mental health. I felt comfortable last week when I was in my decision to vote for change and treat those I come in contact with equally as I always had tried.
Current media topic of defunding the police here in the US; a quick reaction terrifies me that my family’s safety and community; I hear no substantial how-to policy changes, just rhetoric. Yes, reform needs making, but the way the media presents this defunding makes me feel unsafe. Felt safe during the peaceful protests or the riots—this seeming broad sweeping defunding terrifies. Also, the Democrats wearing the ethnic colored scarfs seem more like a photo op and voting opportunity than a real understanding of what asked.
What I strive to do is research as best to my ability both sides of what presented. Which going through it continued to terrify me. So here are the parts I located, and where I place my personal opinion and conclusion.
Canadian media review of what defunding means. Which seems safe from the beginning. The discretionary view is part of the concern. The structural change sounds good, but I do not see much in the regular news of how this will work. My question of social workers is about racism with-in social workers. Additionally, the social workers we currently have now what is the procedures they follow. The problem: Why do we need to be told to care for our citizens’ social needs. If we have not done it in the past, what does that look like now? Some of the ideas mentioned, if done well, seem possible to work. But is that not what social services was supposed to be from the beginning. Why do we need riots to push at the process already in place?
Diverse view of what has to lead up to the current racism protests. Liked the question of who is a more or less racist argument among politicians. Which begs the questions, what are we arguing over when human lives are at risk? The topic seems to be moving into a political stamp, and not a people need because we are moving to an election. Fascinated about the toss of statistics around that are different depending on the origin of statistics.
I hear her point, but if we are increasing social reforms and workers. A system that is already overwhelmed; we cannot even protect our abused children or assist in the care needs of others. What will this increase in social care be toward, and how? My concern is what happens to all people that this system helped. Just a quick on timestamp 3.28-3.35, she mentions that Black Lives Matter started six years ago. Initially, I thought that was unfactual then realized she meant her specific group when that phrase had used for centuries, even back during Martin Luther’s and James Baldwin’s time.
I do agree with him that this is just an election moment. There will be no change. Bring up the thought is that if we genuinely look at the number review. I did notice he mentioned mental health. Those who do have funds have a hard time now to get services, so how are we going to finance an increase in mental health care. Do these big corporations understand what they fund? I do agree with him on the corporate level of integration, and it is not just the black lives that impacted even though black lives impacted harsher than others.
In going through a small amount of what was available, I could not find much on what the case managers feel about this shift. I do know from many of the articles I receive from social worker associations that before this, there is a high burn out rate. What is to prevent even more trauma as their duties increase?
I found this an excellent perspective from four years ago that the instant change some protestors, media, and politicians are immediately demanding as we already know needs changes. This change requires changes in the local area with desire, thought, and planning. Love the image of a clergy member in each of a police car (time stamp 9.13) not to happen just his vision; it could be anyone that the community respects. Sadly, when looking up Baltimore, I ran across this article showing systemic racism, https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-systemic-racism-in-baltimores-police-force/2016/08/10/86ce448a-5f3f-11e6-9d2f-b1a3564181a1_story.html. Which at least to me presents it is the individual leader who makes a change, not broad sweeping legislation changes. Found a follow up 2018 follow up of what Melvin Russell says to Dandymite Media. ‘I Hate the Police’ What Happened?
Currently, for me, the town I live in is not explicitly talking about defunding our police. In a way, though our voting on police levies our community defunds the police often, it is not something that routinely passes when we vote. Why do we not take these changes demanded of police defunding with actual workable facts and policies and put it to the citizen to vote? Politicians do not seem to have a personal history of making these decisions well. Let the people genuinely impacted by the removal of our police force, and an increase and social services make the decisions.
Anxiety and depression wise I am still terrified and distracted by what-ifs. Emotionally going to place this subject where I did Black Lives Matter protests. Watch what my local politicians are doing. What voting or town hall meetings are available on this subject. Attend and vote where needed. I can only oversee what happens in my town—an state and federal when it is my time to vote. Watching once a day, a variety of news outlets from around the country will keep me updated and aware. I was striving to not concentrate on these topics because I see the media following the political party’s opinions and makes them look good for more votes for their party, not what will genuinely help those involved and impacted. The recent wearing of the kente fabric (https://www.aaihs.org/the-history-and-significance-of-kente-cloth-in-the-black-diaspora/) by federal employees, personally reinforces that. Just painful to see the pain of those that need help to be ignored again but given lip service that things will change this time around.
Do have a positive I was able to make some personal progress on my Anxiety research.
Random Observations 