Review of Week 6/22-26/2020

I had a pretty good week with my anxiety and depression in regards to my family and home. Not sure whether that would be the case as the week started. For a variety of reasons, the strongest one continues is anxiety over the media’s presentation of the topic of racism and my accountability and reaction. Another difference to the week was having to put our family dog, who was eleven years old, down; she had a stroke. Both of these subjects seem to overwhelm my free time. Even with the distractions outside the norm, I was able to make some progress on my downsizing project. So proud of myself that I could keep moving forward. I do not have much to contribute outside my last Eureka thought at 3 am on Saturday. Please bear with me the return to the topic of racism. Keeps me up, as we’ve seen from past logs the problem of racism in my accountability to that topic from the midwest US. The issue keeps pushing at my anxiety to figure out where my place is in this world, where I can feel that I am not impacting people negatively by my actions.  

Had a eureka moment, I have struggled with the words that I keep hearing and not understanding white privilege when it comes to the news commentators because I don’t see it to the extent they claim it is around me. Please, I am not saying it is not there, but the media keeps pushing us to sign up for hate groups, from my perspective, that is farthest from the truth or need for the problem.  From a personal perspective, my position as a mom and older person has consequences as well.  Not as severe as the black community, but as a mom and someone having worked 20 plus years in retail, my options for employment are limited.  

I chose to work second shift retail, so I could stay home during the day with my daughter allowing her dad to take care of her at night. This choice destroyed any chance I had getting any form of office career. Career is the scheme of white privilege according to the media for me to lord over everyone. Office work and a college degree from the beginning is essential to getting into executive positions. Even in retail, there are limited opportunities if you choose to place family before career. Now, this becomes fruitless because I don’t have any networking connection; I don’t have a 3.0 GPA. When I bring up in conversation that I’ve been in retail for 20 years, I’m looked down upon as if I was to stupid to work in an office.

I can’t wrap my head around those words that I have white privilege, and all blacks feel attacked just by being in this country. We live in a country where sports stars and musicians get paid millions and a high percentage is African Americans. Do not get me started that they are complaining that they are in danger of getting sick as they plan the game schedules. That has not stopped them from going to retail stores with working people that do not have their money to pay for PPE supplies. Also, I don’t even know what to call people anymore because the media is representing everybody getting offended. I’m tired of being told I’m a horrible person because I’m white. I childishly want this all to stop. I want to watch the news again without feeling like I am a worthless person. I do anyway because of my anxiety, and the media keeps putting me back to square one.  

Slightly different but still about minority groups that were and looked down on. I did find some sadness and humor in my reading of the current news article about the Remington Gun company declaring bankruptcy but that the Navajo Tribe may buy them. Situation tickled my funny bone a small amount, not that people will lose their jobs but that an Indian tribe is purchasing a company that provided weapons to enslave them hundreds of years ago. Nevermind that some of the Indian tribes own casinos. The sadness and humor/justice for me is that whites introduced alcohol to the Native Americans which prompted alcoholism. They are now returning the favor through the addiction to gambling. Just gave me hope that through all of this current chaos, the world will still keep moving forward and that things will improve.

So let me wrap this up. Was it a successful week? Yes, it was. I have accepted AGAIN, that pleasing the media and politicians cannot be done.  Also, I do not see people as the media and violent protestors do. All I can do is be who I am, a person that tries to please everyone I come in contact with, as I always have. At least one or two people that I come in contact with will be offended by what I say or do. I am not, nor have I ever been perfect. Will I keep trying to understand the other argument? Strive to understand the larger picture of life and that unfortunately means watching the news. I did run across a gentleman who posted a well-done video from his perception of living black in America, and he speaks with Mathew Mcaheny and the Gaines family. I have included his first video explaining why he has created these videos. I did enjoy listening to the dialogue between him and his other guests. In the first video, personally find his tone condescending (that could just be me). He does present an amazing personal perspective of the current topic media of racism, even though it seems to be moving back to the pandemic.  

Emmanuel Acho – Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man

Again, sorry for the revisit of this tiring subject, the media just keeps sending me into fits of what a horrible person I am and spent time trying to work through that for the umpteenth time. Prayerfully, I will return to my anxiety research and personal thoughts of the presentation. Keep healthy and move forward. We got this as individuals even when some days look bad the next day or hour has a chance of being better.


 Nasdaq, Remington Arms prepares for bankruptcy; Navajo tribe in talks to buy – source CONTRIBUTOR, Jessica DiNapoli  Reuters, PUBLISHED JUN 26, 2020 3:10PM EDT,

Emmanuel Accho, YouTube, Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man,

Contemplation of Current Volatile Topic Again

Some random thoughts came to mind as I did my brief overview of national and local news. Why must we be so confrontational in our society? I do not have a real answer to this one. Except maybe we should listen to each other. I see confrontation as individual groups speak what they think but do not hear what the other group is saying. Finding a balance between fact and opinion seems to be an excellent place to start and reach a compromise, which seems to be a losing art form. Current and historical answers that I am basing these thoughts from is below for anyone interested in reading.

Very uncomfortable by a small section of our society that is about destroying the monuments of our past. What if we instead relocate them and describe why they are no longer viable as a monument or leave them with a description or a comparison statute showing the change of heart in society. Present as a celebration of United States maturity as a mixed culture. There is talk of destroying Mount Rushmore. Why? When did we lose sight of what our country stands on? The United States used to pride itself as a melting pot of nationalities, culture, ideas, and history. Not all of it is pretty, but as a people, we can learn, grow, and change to a better society.

Making changes becomes a danger; not all aspects of needs addressed when handled quickly. How many people have been hurt by the removal of police from different cities? This subject still weighs on my heart and mind with the chaos around us and the knee jerk reaction to things that they genuinely do not understand. This lack of understanding comes from not living the situation and only have statistics or reports written by biased individuals pushing a goal.  

I still have only my reaction to voting and how to treat others. Just my anxiety and depression keep struggling to watch our politicians make change without fundamental research and discussion with the people genuinely involved. Who is involved with underinsured people, all citizens of all culture and nationality, and the first line police. When did we become a nation that relied on statistics and mob mentality, not the larger group’s needs? Not an aspect I can wrap my anxiety around because I am just one person and cannot change everything but myself. 

Corporate, Plantations, Business Owners, both current and past, have needed the lower masses’ labor. The Industrial Nation was moved forward on the backs of low income, immigrants, and their children. Chinese built our western railroad. People of color made our world through cotton, westward movement, tobacco, and many more. Our government killed and locked up our Native Americans. There will always be a segment of our society that is negatively impacted by policy, social change, or big business. Where can we go from here as individuals? That is all we have because, as a society at large, there has been a segment of culture that initially does not fit but has as the years pass that can change if we move forward well.

What about our Chinese society that rules were out in place to limit the businesses they could own? What about the need for mental health care or finances that can cause people to not succeed in potential, become homeless, or be in prison? What happened to the topic of how low women are paid or chose family over career until later in life and career options decrease? How about the high cost of healthcare and insurance companies not covering needed care?  

There costs to all rules, politics, and corporate needs. Yes, all of us being equal would be fantastic, but it is not feasible without losing a lot of freedom. I want to live in a country where with hard work, sacrifice, and chance, I can better myself. That is not possible in countries that oversee all aspects of their citizens’ lives. If we keep pushing for social change to happen without accurate planning, if we are not careful, the changes will endanger the freedom and sacrifices that our forefathers have made, and a dream for other world citizens to strive to join. By destroying our monuments and passing rules and changes regulating our decisions. All I ask as the months move closer to November, we research all aspects of our local, state, and federal politicians, not just news and social media’s most significant voice.

Unsure why this topic keeps scaring me. I am scared of some of the current decisions made that seem short-sighted and are genuinely not for the whole. YES, there is a crisis in our nation about segregation, but all minorities have some abuse history. The black community seems to have a higher amount at this time and the past. Why do I fear to monitor every word out of my mouth? The media is presenting our society as all racist, uncaring individuals. We have things being changed, such as Aunt Jemima logo, Uncle Ben, and Cream of Wheat. Why must these be replaced when they show an individual as a respectful creator of the product or trusted individual suggestion to consume. We are moving toward the point that we cannot use the word white or black. If that is the case, do we need Crayola to remove these two colors from the crayon and marker box? How far is this going to go? The Dixie Chicks have changed their name to Chicks, so isn’t chicks derogatory toward women? Just some questions I have that I do not have answers to. All I have is more anxiety as to how I will write or talk who will it offend. Then I realize at this point even if I sneeze, someone will be hurt. All I can do is be transparent that I do not mean to insult; it is just where my current knowledge places my opinion.

Prayerfully, this finds everyone well. Thank you to those who read and follow. We will survive, but let’s strive to live well and be proud of who we are to others and fit in this ever-growing topic of change—living as an individual, not as a whole unit. We are individual puzzle pieces to the greater whole of the world. I am striving to remember that each puzzle piece shaped differently to make the whole picture. It is okay if I fit into the whole, but I will not be the same as everyone.

A quick side note was going to post the links to the Black Lives Matter website, but there is so much out on the web that came up on the search that I got confused, and I felt alienated and more scared than I was before just by reading them. Now just going to stick to what I have and keep trying to find a knowledge level that keeps my depression and anxiety on an even keel on this subject.

Current News Links that started this rambling idea.

Minneapolis City Council Unanimously Approves Proposal to Disband Police BY AMY FORLITI AND STEVE KARNOWSKI / AP UPDATED: JUNE 26, 2020 5:59 AM EDT | ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED: JUNE 26, 2020 5:59 AM EDT

Unilever to drop terms like ‘whitening’ from beauty products By The Associated Press June 25, 2020, 10:56 AM 2 min read.

‘Horrifically racist’ backlash prompts Oregon county to drop non-white mask policy by BROOKE WOLFORD JUNE 24, 2020 05:07 PM, UPDATED JUNE 25, 2020 03:26 PM.

South Dakota Gov. Noem vows to protect Mt. Rushmore: We won’t stand for ‘radical rewriting of history’ By Talia Kaplan | Fox News

The Term “Master Bedroom” is Now Racist – Anthony Brian Logan Commentary collection of different new articles that he shows. 

Historical information is part of our culture.

Building the Transcontinental Railroad: How 20,000 Chinese Immigrants Made It Happen At first, railroad companies were reluctant to hire Chinese workers, but the immigrants soon proved vital. LESLEY KENNEDYUPDATED:APR 30, 2020 ORIGINAL:MAY 10, 2019 

Child Labor – UPDATED:APR 17, 2020ORIGINAL:OCT 27, 2009 Child Labor HISTORY.COM EDITORS

Industrial Revolution HISTORY.COM EDITORS

 How Slavery Became the Economic Engine of South Slavery was so profitable sprouted more millionaires per capita in the Mississippi River valley than anywhere in the nation. GREG TIMMONS UPDATED:DEC 18, 2019ORIGINAL:MAR 6, 2018


Ran across this song and explanation of God Bless the U.S.A. by Lee Greenwood. It gave me hope that we will all recover from these polarizing and dividing situations of 2020. 

Lee Greenwood – The Story of “God Bless the U.S.A.” – Country Road T.V.

I have also included a scriptural perspective on the race discussion from Tony Evans, who I have found to be reliable but easy to understand the biblical teaching. Yes, I know not every church person does not follow, but remember, even in the church, there is left, right, and in between individuals, we all have different ways of hearing. Many forget or find a hard time to live what they hear. As an individual, we are responsible for striving to live respectful of God’s teaching, but we are also human and miss massively all we can do is keep trying. At least that is my perspective because I even have met people that I am embarrassed to say I am a Christian.

Questions From our Listeners, Part One on June 26, 2020 – Tony Evans

Review of Week 6/15-19/2020

Was a successful week emotionally. Wow, that is amazing that I can write that right from the get-go. The beginning of the week started slowly and picked up speed as the week moved to completion. I’m not sure how I can replicate it in the future or accept the amazing and celebrate it when it repeats.

The week started roughly due to needing a tooth pulled and a temporary bridge put in. Choose to go home without pain killers even at the end of the week, still unsure what prompted me to agree to that. My dentist said something odd that got me thinking about myself that I am still uncertain about how to think through. He was under the impression that I did not do pain killers; he would be correct. How do I present myself that a professional would guess that? Going to leave that alone, I think, because nothing will be gained by overthinking. I did stay working in the mornings and work a little slower on my home responsibilities.

I was able to continue on my house care items but continue to work on downsizing. Downsizing is extremely slow going. Keep getting bogged down with keeping stuff that I genuinely do not need. The memory is inducing items I am taking a photo, putting a story with the picture, then Goodwilling the thing. But that takes time and energy that I keep having and not having.  

Sleep study results finally came in having medium level sleep apnea. Already knew that from past tests going to for the third time, try a c-pap machine. Hopefully, with this specialist, I can find a resolution to the fact that I still wake up between the hours of 1 – 3 am even with the device. So that was some good and bad news. I was still waiting to hear from the company that will provide the equipment. Hopefully, the insurance will pay for it thoroughly, and I will not have a severe bill. The sleep study had a several hundred price tag that was hard to cover. Well, let’s strive not to over-worry about that while I have no information till they call.  

Another great thing was I was able to work through my anxiety again and started my YouTube channel. It is not much, but I was looking for a place that I could place daily rambling thoughts. I was looking for a place that I could upload those five to ten-minute anxiety and depression inducing feelings that I would love to talk to someone about but have no one. I wanted to start the page just to let people know they are not alone. We all have good days and bad days. Was not a full success with my anxiety, I have a real worry about showing my face, so I film the sky or trees. Today was a look of me driving while I was talking. Posting is entirely rough and unscripted. Concentration is the spur of the moment thoughts that are pushing at my anxiety. The part is that I am presenting an unprofessional image, but that is not what I was going for in the first place—one more aspect of trying to help myself and maybe someone else that may be struggling. Also, feeling alone with those irrational anxiety thoughts that we can not always control even if we would love to.  

I have to say I’m not happy with my minimal progress on downsizing, but that is putting myself down and downplaying my growth. Very happy that I have moved through my anxiety of being public and not striving for perfection when uploading my YouTube submission. Additionally, part of my sense of peace came from the fact that I limited my watching news media to just local.

Here is the link for the You Tube video. Transparency it is just a rough rambling thoughts. So please do not expect professional it is just a person wanting to show life with mental health in a honest walk. Have other videos working on to add.

Anxiety Research Explanation

When considering researching anxiety and how professionals and non-professionals see the facts and opinions of what anxiety means and how to live well with it, I would like to be upfront about these posts intended to present my walk with anxiety. Over the years, I have found textbooks and presentations on mental health can sometimes feel demoralizing. Understanding that professionals do not mean to be but from where my past and current walk with mental health has had good days and severely bad days. I do not consider myself a professional communicating how to live one’s life with mental health, just someone trying to find a balance between living daily with mental health. This journey with medication and minimal professional care due to finances. When living with Mental Health, it is best practice to seek a professional to walk side by side with you.   

For transparency, I have a bachelor’s degree in Psychology, and the state of Ohio has a Social Worker Assistant Certification. I keep up my certification should there ever be an opportunity to find work in Ohio using my education. Still, Ohio companies only want Licensed Social Workers and Masters of Social Work. Also, my first job started as an activities staff to develop a dementia program that was discontinued and told to replace the outgoing Social Worker in a Nursing Home Dementia Locked unit. After a year and a half became burnt out by no time in my day. My desire to help families during this challenging time. When combining family with paperwork, overwhelming miscellaneous tasks, and paperwork required for each individual and family. Both priorities became too much because it became about paperwork and checking the state-required documentation box, not the care and support of the individual and family.  

Temporarily off-topic, I was not surprised by the high numbers of deaths in Nursing Homes during the COVID-19 pandemic. It has nothing to do with staff, not caring; they lack support and compact quarters. Clear communication that matches the corporate owners and federal and state agencies is lacking. The close quarters of nursing homes also contribute to these high numbers. Toward the end of my time, thereby burn out see nursing homes a non-traditional prison of our elderly, and I do not see how that will change, giving them more federal and state-mandated paperwork is not it. Filling out questionnaires or forms on client care, is not it? It is enough staff having the time and energy of treating them like family.

Additionally, corporate and federal structures giving the facilities the money they need to hire and staff for all the positions required. Nevermind, I do not understand how a nurse in a nursing home or hospital can give safe care on a 12-hour shift. The amount of paperwork and phone calls balanced to the minimal amount of staff do not allow for the warm care marketed in ads. When even now, cleaning personnel, activities, Certified Nursing Assistants, and Nurses do not have the time to care for all of the emotional nursing home population needs. Never mind that the money given by the federal government does not correctly support the client’s actual needs when on Medicare. For those with family, all I can say is research as well as you can the facility you can place a relative in a facility and visit often. There are good ones out there that take time to find what finds the needs of your family. Oops, sorry, went off on a tangent this was a painful part of my life giving up a dream of social work and counseling was hard. Let us return to why I am pursuing this search for mental health care.

Degree pursuit consequence on my mental health was the autopilot when taking on to much to smother my anxiety. Neither of these makes me a professional to help, just an individual striving for finding what works and what personally does not on this walk through life with mental health that ebbs and flows like the tide. If one has been on the Cape Cod shoreline during low tide, the smell of the mud is horrendous. But with that muck smell comes some fantastic things in life oysters, clams, mussels, crabs, and seaweed. So I strive to remember that with the muck and offensive odors of life with mental health comes impressive things if we are willing to search through the muck to retrieve them and see them how they are successes. Okay, so where do we go from here? I didn’t promise to post these on set days; experience shows I cannot maintain that, and then my depression kicks in, reminding me what a failure I am for not keeping my word.

Thoughts are two fold I am going to work with two aspects of my life so that I can strive to find a happy medium. As many with mental health know, there is a portion of the culture or religion that does not understand how to speak to mental health except that Christ or for others higher power of choice or cultural structure reinforce. Some will say, ‘You do not believe, do enough work, or follow your doctor’s instructions.’ Yes, that may be the case on some days, but not all the time. When one does not take their medications, see their professional, or eat, sleep, or exercise correctly, you’re not helping yourself, yes that is a part. There are days, though, that is a struggle even when everything is aligned.

Working through Anxiety Research by segments, I want to walk through an educational platform or presentations I have located online. I want to present mental health facts through the perception and education of a professional and balance out how I am hearing the piece and arrive at how I take it and either help me or because of where I have to discard temporarily. We are all individuals who will work for one does not always work for another.  

Another section of this site will have where I am coming from with Christianity perception of mental health. Due to the volatile nature of religion in the world at large and my fragile walk with anxiety and depression. I will upload on the main blog with a distinct title then later move to a separate area so that those who are comfortable can read and research themselves and balance what they need from an education standpoint without bringing religion or culture into the mix. Again, transparency, I will on the faith section be using scripture mostly from King James Version of the Bible and a variety of Commentaries and walk through well-meaning signs or scripture verses people post for mental health.  

So the post that caught my eye for the educational platform was from North Shore Stress & Anxiety Clinic right off the get-go. I have no connection to them; it is just a piece I found on YouTube. The title of the presentation is, Don’t Worry, Be Happy? Understanding the Nature of Worry and Anxiety by Dr. Rami Nader, a Registered Psychologist, was presented on February 19, 2015. Below is the hour-long presentation. Then in later posts, I will strive to go through and give what and how I hear the offered information. Chose this one because I found it an easy listen and registered with me. Allowed me to find some balance in my life, what was genuine worry and what is an Anxiety.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder – Understanding the Nature of Worry and Anxiety by Dr. Rami Nader, R.Psych.

I hope this finds everyone well. I look forward to continuing to find balance in walking through life with mental health on the shore of finding success even during the success and failure as our mind sees growth. On a positive note, I am closer to finding the inner strength to work on uploading to YouTube. Also, as a positive, I am still creating my t-shirts even though there are no sales. I take this as a success because I have kept moving forward even with the negativity.  

Have a great week, and may everyone enjoy their journey of life even during the good and the bad days. We can learn from all our days even when we do not want to.

Week Review 6/8-12/2020

This week went well for the most part.  I had a couple of anxiety spikes but was able to determine the thoughts had no foundation.  I want to call ‘thoughts had no foundation’ as irrational, but depending on my day, the word irrational makes me feel worse. Let’s journey forward to review this week’s potholes.

What made this week a success is I was able to keep specific anxiety thoughts down to less than a day.  One, I had to rely on the individual involved how they felt.  I was rather proud of myself that I could ask the next day instead of several days later.  That several days delays normally impacted those around me negatively and my energy and activities. Where does that leave me?

I think in a decent spot.  On the home front, the physical tasks it takes to run a home got done.  In my anxiousness, I only once got upset and responded negatively to my family.  Where this stems from is that taking care of the house is done by me.  My husband provides financially, and my daughter is a teen journeying to young adulthood. Motivating her has become a personal failure that is going to take me more time to accept.  For the parents out there, yes, I know it is her responsibility now.  The struggle is over reviewing her upbringing and what I could have done differently. Long way of saying I am the chief cook, bottle washer, clothes, and finances.  So when my anxiety and depression turn into more exhaustion and physical pain than my other physical limitations already give. I get frustrated with the lack of help.  So for me, I found success that I only lashed out once while I was overwhelmed.  Lashing out for me is not keeping my internal dialogue to myself and speaking out loud.

This week’s only non-resolution, and I still wobble back and forth on, is the current subject of racism and social interaction.  What I keep anxiously dwelling on even though I thought I had resolved where my place was on this?  My anxiety took me to extremes; here is my example.  I went to McDonald’s and ordered what I always did, a ‘Black Iced Coffee’.  When asked about flavoring, I said no cream, no sugar, no flavor.  Upon picking up, I got a coffee with milk in it.  Yes, this may have been a simple mistake, but my anxiety took me to extreme thinking.  I took it because I did not want to back up the drive-thru, and I had water, so I was at least not out of fluid.  Got me overthinking did they put milk in it because they responded to me using the word black.  Am I no longer allowed to order coffee black?  I have always ordered it this way.  Some will comment, say plain.  I guess I can, but is not this subject going too far that we have to worry over every little word we use.  Multiple people have lost their jobs for knee jerk comments.  Heck Netflix took Gone With the Wind off due to the subject matter are they going to do the same for the movie Roots or any other Civil War based movie or movies Like Guess who’s Coming to Dinner with Sidney Potier.  My anxiety is not dealing well with this whole situation.  

Side note while editing this Gone with the Wind is being re-uploaded with historical context prior.  Which I must say is excellent, hopeful that the historical context will be an impartial review of truth.  In regards to McDonald’s in my pain, I did contact the store, which, thinking back on it, struggled if I should have done this.  Why because my anxiety is going to place me in a position of not going back there because I may have offended someone, and they will be angry with me.   Of course, coming from that industry of customer service in retail, it is ‘irrational’ to think they will remember me when I return in two to three weeks from now since I am not a regular.

I feel selfish, saying that I am terrified about talking and interacting with people right now.  Smiling at people or waving.  We have a segment of our society saying by being silent; you are advocating racism.  How can we support when we are unsure where and what we think over a subject being reported differently and reference materials are different depending on who is presenting it?  We worry about how to speak what we are thinking and are severely unsure of how another individual reacts, or do we lose a friendship?  As the racism wrecking ball moves into legislation, how will this impact other groups that do not fit the norm when politicians are writing all-inclusive language that will make things worse.

Thoughts of a weekly review are daily anxiety I did amazingly well on, so let’s mark that a success.  On the subjects pushed by mainstream media and social media of racism, police defunding, and now the situation in Seattle, Washington occupying a whole block.  Below are a couple links to the Seattle subject; it is two of multiple postings out there all different than the next.  I feel like a failure. I cannot seem to drop the anxious thoughts impacting my daily activities.  Strive to smile and nod at everyone, no matter who they are.  Still cause worry that they are offended.    

As I work through my anxiety research project and how to interact with myself and others.  Hopefully, I have put together something that will help me find a happy medium between being aware of current news subjects but not allowing my mind to consume me by worse case thoughts.

I was going to leave my review here.  This week’s pothole on this journey called life will be a success in personal life.  Interaction on a societal level marks a failure when balanced against the media, but a success when looked at I have not allowed it to send me to an anxiety attack that put a full stop to my day and week, just a couple hours here and there.  Keep journeying forward, life looks different no matter who you are.

New York Post – What’s really going on inside the ‘Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone’  

CNN – What it’s like inside Seattle’s CHAZ

There are many other postings that can be found on Fox News, The Guardian, and more.  All saying different things. 

Thank you to those who read. Sorry for the delay in posting this. Have a great new week.

Week Review 6/1-5/2020

Must say this week was a success for me, almost thought I was going to have to claim a full failure. For those who do not live with mental or physical health concerns, it is probably considered a failure. Those opinions are not me thou I am going to stand on success proudly. Where I had struggles this week thinking things through and did only accomplish physically the minimal and did not accomplish the anxiety research I wanted to. Started the week dwelling heavily on information from news outlets and social media conversation and what was presented on the subject of racism protests, looting, police and politician interactions thought was going move me into the emotional position of failure.

Writing my thoughts and continuing to research the subject on Thursday settled my mind for the most part. I have had to accept that due to where I live and my own physical and psychological limitations. I am not a physical protestor; all I can respond peaceful and not forward social media posts that stroke a fire that accomplishes nothing. All I can do is educate myself and my daughter, so we strive to continue to try to the best of our ability is to treat all equally. Indeed all lives matter.  

What kept me struggling at the beginning of the week was the violence and how a segment of our society said it was okay because people were in pain. Another aspect that kept pushing me was the struggles and actions of racism toward the Native Americans, Orientals, Muslims, Physical Disabilities, Mental Disabilities, Religious choice, LGBT, or any other aspect outside of the ‘normal’ that looked at critically. I understand from what I have researched; blacks have it worse; there is a whole culture of disdain and pain if I have read the right things. Also, I kept cycling with why as a society we go up in arms for two maybe three weeks, and then it is all forgotten when something new takes over the media, and no actual change takes place.  

The other aspect of struggle was before two weeks ago; the police could do no wrong during this shelter in place. How, as news outlets and social media, can we move from one subject be amazing to critical and death the next? Almost ready to swear off watching the news, many seem to fan the flames of anger and pain not report equally. Also, I am tired of questioning what truth and sensationalized. Sorry to rehash a subject that is moving back to a forgotten topic and that I already wrote on. Just I kept feeling like a failure as a person because the whole black squares on social media more irritated me than proved a point. Celebrities are popping out of the woodwork supporting the subject of black lives matter. If they genuinely believe in what they speak, hopefully, they are already involved in making changes. The subject that has been around since our country helped founded with the help of slavery? Plantation owners built their money from inexpensive workers.

Additionally, as a society, at least if the US population had not changed some, they would not be in at least have a chance to be in such a place of financial prosperity. I just felt like I was failing as a human because I cannot help in this struggle. Nevermind my simplistic thinking is we all live on this earth. Why can’t we accept we are all different and will not agree on everything. Must we respond to differences with violence? Then I realize that is unrealistic because we have had wars for less. Okay, I am moving off my soapbox of confusion and concern.

I am moving on reading and watching the pain. Both the protestors and the police are trying to make positive changes. What stood out and was concerning was those that communicated with violence attacked was looking to keep this week as a failure. The reason I have moved toward success is that I have accepted that I am a remarkably ineffectual cog in a wheel of something I cannot understand or change due to personality and location. Change needs making, but I am not in a position to contribute. I am okay with that now. I took many days toward feeling like I have failed blacks and society. But my success is that my anxiety and depression are not putting me at a place of emotional destruction because I cannot fit myself emotionally to what social media says we should be. It is not who I am.

To me, we are all human beings. I may not agree with the decisions made. I am embarrassed at times of calling myself human. But we are all indeed individuals, and we all look and interact with life differently. Experiences cause differences, thought processes, emotional reactions, education, and so many to list. Those differences are surprised when things are going well.

On the issue of black racism, yes, from what I have read, things are wrong. We are still a foreign culture as a melting pot of beliefs, customs, and history of pain and poor political decisions. The US has at least changed a small amount we had a black president, 50 years after Martin Luther King Jr. and 150 years after the civil war ended. Heck, I know at least in my family that some members are older than I use negative words to describe blacks because that is what they have always called them, and ‘that is what they are.’ All I can do is personally ask that person not to speak like that around me. The world as a whole, there will always be sections of our society that are extremists. Where does this leave me again?

All I can do is concentrate on continuing to treat everyone I come in contact with as equal. We are all capable of evil if pushed wrong. Striving to learn of who we are emotionally and what our strengths and weaknesses. My success in the week is that I am still standing; my anxiety and depression have settled. I am comfortable with accepting that I am not in a position to do amazing things. All I can do is research and teach to the best of my limited skills. Vote to the best of my ability, sign petitions when asked, and keep my section of the social media peaceful.  

Thank you for sticking with this journey of discovery through such a difficult subject we are currently rehashing in our news outlets and social media. May all those on the front lines of this current subject stay safe. May some progress be made in protecting all those directly involved protesters trying to communicate change and police striving to safely do their job of protecting all citizens of their area. May the police that should not be in that profession be safely found out and removed. Those destroying property and theft caught. Hopefully, the term racism is treated with care when creating policy changes that all minorities of ethnicity, religion, or thought be protected unless physical or emotional violence occurs. There are so many shades of grey within the words of racism.

Have a great week. Here is to be returning to making progress on my anxiety research.

I have included a couple of videos of James Baldwin that helped me see what life is from a viewpoint I have no reference to except a couple acquaintances and co-workers that are black. One from 1965 and 1979.

James Baldwin’s “Black Lives Matter” Speech (1965)

James Baldwin’s “Black Lives Matter” Speech (1965) – posted by Cave Jokes

Excellen James Baldwin speech in Berkeley (1979)

Excellent James Baldwin speech in Berkeley (1979) – posted by thepostarchive

Something that is opposite of everything but thought I would include this video and song. Video is Dick and Rick Hoyt of a father and son that participates in marathons ( Song written by Paul Sikes and Bonnie Baker and song performed by Troy Johnson, found it uplifting during this time of struggle. 

The Extra Mile

Rory Feek – The Extra Mile

2013 Jimmy V Perseverance Award

The Story of Team Hoyt @ ESPY’s 2013 Jimmy V Perseverance Award in 1080 HD

Thought of Day

Tree stands alone

Saw this tree on my walk, and it reflected how it’s alone in a field just at the beginning of housing development, and behind a strip of stores, both just sitting there not moving, not offering anything productive just resonated with me.  This weekend (6/1/2020) that with the protest turned riots and the overwhelming feeling of what’s the point and what have I contributed to help or hinder.  I thought I helped by supporting my local church and missionaries in our inner-city area of Cleveland, OH.  What’s the point, another example of our politicians and apathetic people not doing anything, which got me even worse feeling with my anxiety.  Realized, I do not have enough personal knowledge and facts to make an informed opinion and action.  I have included a video I watched a couple of days ago.  I will say now it is a Christian pastor I am sorry if this offends but appreciated what he said.  I have also included Tested by Adam Savage, who also gave a different perspective personally, it came off harsh.  Both provide different views but similar in how this looks moving forward.  Both helped me realize that due to my physical and mental health limitations, my task is to find where I can help in the small picture, not the large image. 

Tony Evans – A Message From My Heart

Tony Evans – A Message From My Heart

Adam Savage Tested

Adam Savage’s Tested – The World Right Now- Still Untitled: The Adam Savage Project – 6/2/20

What I came away with from both that we are responsible for our actions alone.  For me, that puts me at peace with continuing to donate to food pantries, homeless shelters, and personal churches.  For the prejudice is not forward any inflammatory social media posts when possible respond with researched facts and linking websites.  Strive to greet all citizens of this world equally.  When a conversation comes up, be honest that I do not have enough effects to make a decision.

Part of this current peace that turned into rioting partially about the fact that inequality of finances, health, insurance, work, bullying, foster care, school shootings, and the list goes on.  Our media presents it when something traumatic happens, and we hear about it, and social media becomes agitated for a couple of weeks, but nothing ever entirely changes. 

Selfishly some emotionally, this makes me exhausted from trying to figure out what I can do in the big picture.  Realistically I cannot, so small changes will continue to be a battle plan.  As mentioned earlier is donating where I can, treating others as equals.  Verbally and social media respond in a virtuous manner.  Limit my watching of news and research the actual problem.  Another aspect is striving to examine the voting history and speeches of the people I vote for and participate when I can on local policy issues or changes.  Sorry for the long and draining writing; it has been an issue listening to the diverse opinions of both positive and negative.

My anxiety and depression have gotten a workout from overthinking what I have contributed to the problem.  Then I have to realize I am in an area of Ohio that is limited in interaction with the blatant racism currently publicized at least that I am aware.

Another aspect of thought that came to me as I struggled emotionally over this subject is It has only been 155 years since the Civil War and 55 years since Martin Luther King Jr killed.  As a people, we do not like change.  An example of this by the Jim Crow Museum (below is what I found about the museum). What is impressive to me is how recently this was in place if you look at the dates involved.  It is fantastic that we live in a country that voted a black president so recently given the years seen in the movie.  Even then, Obama characterized in the video.  Something that struck me is what seen in this museum is a time frame that these people are or were recently alive bringing up children who could now be in our political arena, protection fields, and any other corporate structure.  We have a long way to go, but progress is being made. 

Nevermind, we have the Native Americans systematically being killed through a lack of services on Reservations. They were here before any of us. Here is an article Native American tribes’ pandemic response impacted by many inequities  So much pain in this world inequality comes in many forms, as mentioned previously in all aspects of our society.  Even those struggling with mental health have limited resources to help us due to personal finances and lack of insurance.  

As an individual, what is the position of accountability when our social media tells us that we are right or wrong?  As an individual, what is my place with the inequalities of life?  Unsure how others feel, but I will continue to grow as an individual with a variety of health issues and a desire to support my fellow man within my limited sphere of influence.  I cannot fix the world and its issues.  There always be inequality all I can contribute is not to add to the pain and support those I come in contact with that are in pain.

I have really been struggling this week and end of last so I had to get my thoughts out on paper.  If it helps wonderful, if not I am sorry.

WARNING: This video of the Jim Crow Museum has some very violent pictures and scary images showing what was in place early 1900 to now.    I am sorry if this offends people but felt it is important to show there is a long battle ahead to counteract many years of racism. 

Jim Crow Museum

Jim Crow Museum – Jim Crow Museum

Week Review 5/25-29/2020

Sitting and considering this week with my desire to find the positive in a negative week. This week was the hardest to move toward seeing success. Anxiety was expansive and draining. Due to my sleep apnea and periodic nights of insomnia that leaves me tired anyway, I skate the edge of exhaustion daily. Anxiety adds one more level of drain. Where do I find the positive in a week of failures?  

I am no stranger to failure. Is that failure a personal perception or just fact? If looked at from the lens of ‘normal’ answer is yes. The answer to yes is from the point that I am only working 32 hours a week, maintain the basics of home care, motivating my daughter to finish her classes this last week of school, work on blog posts/T-shirt design, care for pets, and cooking dinner. I did not sort much in my goal of downsizing. So the personal perspective of the ordinary is that I did not achieve an average week. One if asked by others that I would not be embarrassed to review with an outsider. With that thought, I am looking at this week as an utter failure. The choice of being transparent is that perfection is a personal perception and that success is in how you look at life. How do I find success in my muddy pond of perceived failure?

Let’s begin with an acceptance that last week I had a plan for my sleeping medication, and due to events out of my control, I was not able to follow through. Sleep is such a significant component of my energy. Not being able to add more rest impacted my strength—the exhaustion presented by falling asleep at my desk. Additionally, due to lack of sleep or a shift in my hormone levels, my anxiety was worse.  

Anxiety is a daily battle of over the top concern that I am letting people down. This week was infinitely worse. My husband chose to do something for me. I thanked him for doing it. Mentally though, I immediately started to prepare an apology that he had to do something that I usually do but had not achieved. Also, developing excuse was the mental drowning of what a failure I am, that my husband works full time, and the primary provider had to take care of a piece of home care because I fell asleep when I got home from work. Well, did that not look pathetic or what? Yeah, anxiety is a deep hole of muck and mire that pulls you down to a level that you feel like you are constantly drowning in failure. So far, this does not get me closer to digging out of the muck and mire and moving to a clean pond of success.

I was dredging the week’s muck and mire, maybe if I looked at what was different. Started Monday well, I had gotten two good nights of sleep and was able to follow my created to-do list to the letter. That always gives me a level of peace. Monday afternoon worked on a box of clutter and finished preparing our home for hot weather and setting up the portable air conditioner. While at work in the evening, the cat injured himself. I stayed up to early am Tuesday, making sure it was a sprain, not a break, and shifting the cat’s favorites to my room where he was away from the dog. Monitoring stretched into Wednesday evening until I had to verify with the vet on Thursday the leg sprained not broken. It was, which is excellent. Okay, so reality check my energy started heading to zero because with monitoring the cat, I did not take any of my evening meds like planned. One negative down and mental muck discarded where it belongs to the trash heap of failure that I am striving not to live.

On the next level of muck, Tuesday and Thursday were full of appointments. It is allowing me not to keep to my daily schedule, even though following the plan is essential to me, feeling triumphant when I accomplish caring for home and family. With being tired and a variety of appointments, the schedule could not be maintained, struggling that this is okay. Life has impasses, and we need to move through them, not let them stop us. Muck of illogical thought is sticking on this subject. The home and family should have care done to them even in times of distraction and exhaustion. With a partial acceptance, it is okay that I did not accomplish all that I wanted to in weekly care—moving on to the final illogical level of anxiety muck.

Next is that even though I made positive remarks and acceptance about my T-shirt designs and being okay with them not selling. Internally I am a liar. I created for the T-shirts, not having any sales, and consumed with reading comments left on Facebook. Reinforced by the fact that I read a post on my page because I liked and followed the store page. One of the individuals on my personal Facebook page commented that she was probably going to stop going on Facebook because of all the ads. My anxiety automatically assumed she was offended by my shirt design about face masks. Both aspects bother me and that this adds to my internal mucky lies of failure. I do have a positive that I did have strength in myself to create the Facebook page and invest in advertising, even though the consequences triggered an anxiety attack. When searching for the precise truth out of all the emotional muck that my mind has created this week?

With great struggle, I can see that there was a success even though my anxiety makes it difficult to understand. Success for me a short time is that another person’s reaction is not about me, and that is okay. No one was hurt. My husband helped around the house, and I thanked him for not acting like he had done something wrong because I was worried that I could not get to it. A creative outlet is just that the store was for creativity, not financial, and with the pandemic worldwide, people are concerned about how to live with less, and getting something not food-related is low on the purchase list. Also, things do not happen immediately. Emotionally this week was a success. This success comes from the perspective that I am not dwelling on my perceived failure of the week, after digging through the muck of illogical anxiety-driven thought. Many of my perceptions directed so negatively. The success is that I can acknowledge this negativity and see the positive and move toward the next week. In moving forward, I can begin fresh and try again. With this situation being repetitive, it may be time to consider returning to researching anxiety at both an education level and scriptural level. Past, neither was a cure-all but allowed me not to be stuck in the muck of my thoughts for weeks just days. 

Here is a favorite drawing, I do not know the creator; it has been years since I saw it, and I cut it paste it into a document.  

Just a gentle reminder to balance out the protests and life daily struggles this week, I ran across What’s the World Coming to? Song, with video by Home Free in their album Dive Bar Saints. I found it very uplifting, and for me, a beautiful reminder that bad days are okay, we need to learn from them and move forward. Have a great week.  

Home Free – What’s the World Coming To? (Official Music Video)

Home Free – What’s the World Coming To? (Official Music Video)

Side note: Due to the protests, May the World keeps moving toward accepting everyone as equals and individuals, including cultural, social, ethnic, financial, political, and belief. I know it is a pipe dream, but it never hurts to pray for equal healing and understanding. My thoughts are with both the peaceful protestors and the law enforcement that are just trying to do the best they can. The protestors to peacefully get their point across and the law enforcement to protect the people. Both sides of the equation have people of violence. May the media strive to show the peaceful and the force and not just push at only the intensity because that raises the ratings. Any death of a civilian unprovoked is wrong, but responding by destroying property not even connected to the actual situation solves nothing. Here in Ohio, many restaurants were damaged and looted, and cars burned. What does that genuinely gain except to reinforce outsiders’ opinion that violence needs to respond with force? Some did respond with a positive response.  Not taking a position, because I do not have enough unbiased information, just an opinion based on current and past protests.  I support those that strive to peacefully get their point across even if it will not change unless tests can be done to weed out racism in all forms.  Then there would be no one because we all have some form of racism in us.  Another aspect to maybe pursue is not shaming our law enforcement and acknowledge that their jobs are stressful and they need professional care before they make a harmful decision on a civilian.  PTSD I am sure is part of the police force just as it is in the military.  Just not something talked about because they are our protectors.  Most of all work on fiscal, communication, and educational equality for those impacted by their generational circumstances. Not justifying the wrong being done right now by either side.  Just giving a different perspective to the increased violence.  Below is a variety of videos from this weekend in the Cleveland, Ohio area.  Sorry for so many just such an amazing variety, could have included more. 

News 5 Cleveland – Video: Vandals destroy Cleveland’s iconic East 4th Street

News 5 Cleveland – Outbreak of violence takes over peaceful protests across Ohio.

WKYC Channel 3 – Violent protests break out in downtown Cleveland, OH

News 5 Cleveland – Volunteers clean up downtown Cleveland, OH following protest

News 5 Cleveland – Cleveland comes together after a night of unrest to clean the damage, destruction.

News 5 Cleveland – Lorain Police Department joins protesters, announces measures to combat police violence

News 5 Cleveland – Local spiritual leaders react to the death of George Floyd, protests; address needed change

Everyone take care during these times of change and hopeful renewal.  Stay safe during this time of COVID and US protests or other country protests.

Working through Anxiety

An aspect of my life that controls me is anxiety. My anxiety shapes every decision I make good or bad. Foundation of the fear is pleasing others. Making sure everyone is happy around me, even when that means placing myself in a position of negativity. Living since childhood like this is easy to stay there. It is such a daily struggle to bring awareness to ingrained habits. Where will this journey recognition take me? Unsure, but prayerfully it will be a person that is a balance between pleasing others and honoring myself.

Aspects that got me thinking about this is what I truly want out of the next half of my life. Do I want to be held back by my fear of the unknown and not pleasing others that I do not even know? Is that any way of living? No, but if I have not had the strength before what says I do now. Was watching the attached video of someone who with planning set out on his dream of traveling. Not what my goal is at this time, but watching his reaction when he saw the fantastic Canadian scenery. Lately, my guilty pleasure has been watching this man’s freedom of being himself. From this video, he had one phrase at the end’ Dreams Don’t Get Handed To You – You Earn These Moments’. Another expression he had was ‘Tough Times Pay Off – I am Proof of That.’

WARNING some people may be offended by the first two minutes of his reaction to people watching wildlife while out of their car. I just wanted to give people a heads up. I agree that when viewing wildlife, one should stay in their automobile.

Life Without Limits by Vancity Vanlife

Journey of a Van Dweller – Life Without Limits by Vancity Vanlife

Life of anxiety and desire to change is acknowledged what next? Ugh, I am so confused and scared. I strive to live a presence there to help others, but finding the strength to say I do not have the desire, time, or energy is hard. Another more significant anxiety struggle is how do I stop the thoughts of misunderstanding a person’s demeanor where I interpret that I am doing something wrong. I need to change myself when coming to find out that I did not even register with that person as a problem or care.

Future goals are an aspect that is important in this walk. What are those goals? Short term goal, as mentioned, is downsized and empty current house of clutter. Long Term goal own land and self-sufficient entertain friends and groups. Another long term goal is to support my husband and me with my creativity. Where to go when you do not know how to start?

Truly the anxiety is the most draining aspect of the mental health that I move forward through life. The short and long term goals are achievable in small steps. The anxiety, though, makes the steps like baby steps, not adult size. My mind becomes overwhelmed by overthinking a person’s reaction or word choice, and what did I do wrong. Anxiety has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. Unsure of how to stop or turn the fear into a positive lifestyle aspect. A sample is an acquaintance of mine, and I spent an afternoon together that individual was quiet and did not contribute much. Once we parted ways, I have spent the last five hours off and on worrying about what I had said wrong instead of doing any sorting or artwork. Other than contacting and looking like an idiot and asking the next day. Then I start thinking they feel bad for me and lie. How do you make your mind stop such unproductive thoughts?  

In years past, I embarrass myself and ask if there is a problem with something I have done. This life transparency then leads to even more concern of childish image to those around me. But what if my action had hurt that person’s feelings. Striving to shift years of this train of thought seems daunting. I think I am going to leave this here. I am stuck on worrying about what I have done. I have no ideas. Stagnant in a pool of doubt of my worth and genuine contribution to the world around me.

For the individual situation, I am going to ask and pray for the truth. Then on a lifestyle path is research and figure out how to change my current steps. What I have been doing helps a little but not enough. I waste so much time and energy overthinking when there was nothing wrong just in how I thought. Will continue to ponder anxiety and how to adjust years of habits and thoughts. I can not keep living trapped by my negative perception of others’ feelings and actions.