Observing Christmas is two days away, and I have little excitement or joy toward the upcoming Holiday. Nevermind the super stressful ‘New Years Resolution’ drama that will be arriving from many in a week. Multiple components are why there is a lack of joy in my interaction with the world around me. Hmm, let’s review what those individual components are.
First off, on the hit parade of living with spiking mental health. Since mid-November, my depression and anxiety has skyrocketed, or at least to me. For example, one of the bloggers I read titled something about imposters. My initial reaction from just the title was that he talked about bloggers pretending to be depressed, and they are not, and I was one of those writers. Yes, irrational, but it took me three days to accept that and read the article, which was terrific as always and reinforced why I have chosen to blog myself. We are a world of diversity of mental health and individuals which we must take responsibility to help ourselves sometimes. Yes, there are educated via college and university professionals that we should speak to and have helped us. There is another level of professionals in the world. These individuals live and breathe mental health, trauma, or any other illness minute by minute and day by day. We are non-university professionals but from a living university of experience, not Harvard or Yale. I am moving forward to another individual component of depression.
The second aspect of my depression that a psychologist noted to me many years ago, but I forget from time to time for a month into winter, is seasonal depression. Which exacerbates my depression I am already trying to work through. For me, this comes into play as an overly distracted thought. Have a challenging time managing my schedule even with calendar prompts. I have all my bills on AutoPay. After all, I would have late payments because I would forget even with a checklist. You have to remember to look at your calendar or list to have them work. I have such a difficult time remembering. I’m not too fond of this time of year for that reason alone. I daily struggle with I am useless. Stupid, and those around me hate me. From November for the next four months, those feelings expand to managers behind closed doors, which means they are planning to fire me, my husband is leaving me, or my daughter’s depression will lead her to suicide. Frustrating all from the distracting thoughts is that constant feeling of I have forgotten something, and I waste so much time trying to figure it out, and it was nothing, but I am late for work because I wasted so much time. Count my life as a success because the time I waste has decreased because I can finally see and understand what is happening to push through faster to accept and keep moving forward—moving on to my next topic on the hit parade.
The third being in Retail/Customer Service is why should I feel joy when I see so many people spending money on presents when last week I watched them choose between getting a package of lunch meat or peanut butter based on cost. Also, they stand there and tell me that they really should not be buying the items. PLEASE stop asking if we are ready for Christmas. Many of us hate Christmas, and reminded us that we have no joy for the Holiday coming up makes us question ourselves. Then there are the screaming children or the kids or adolescents who get candy to keep them quiet or sit on the floor in the aisle blocking traffic and giving attitude when we ask them to move. Let not forget the people who steal but take the time to leave the wrapper to something but take the item. How about the multiple cell phone conversations of arguing about presents or too much money spent. Due to this overspending, people stop shopping in stores from January to March, and my hours get cut in half. I am already struggling over the shopping carts haphazardly put in the cart corrals, but an increase of people leave them in the parking spot beside them or the handicap ramp area. People, the carts do not need to be socially distancing; people do. Let’s not even discuss the attitude and lack of patience or listening skills of customers who accuse you of doing something when their credit card does not go through even though they put it in the machine before you even finished ringing the order. A new one is a tap and pay, and Apple pay does not work at the store, and this is my fault, and the bank or credit card company has told them that this is the safest way to pay and will work at all companies. Nevermind, the touch screens are starting to go because of all the cleaning, and the individual has to use the pen, and the cashier informed how unsanitary that is and how dare I make them touch it. Hello. You have touched cans, packages, and other items that other people have touched, nevermind the touch screen and the number pad. If you work in the customer service industry, please do not come in your work shirt and treat me like I am dirt and stupid because the computer is not working right. There are days I feel like a stereotypical bartender hearing all the problems that I cannot fix even though some of them have been caused by life choices by themselves or others. Okay, so I have reasons for not liking the holidays, moving forward when I see no light at the end of the tunnel except the oncoming train that is going to run me over.
That is where I am at hating the Holiday, at least the commercialized. The Faith-based aspect of the Holiday is a blessing and a curse for me also. Due to my numbing mind, distracting thoughts, and continuously overwhelmed with depression and anxiety. The anxiety of not helping people; some religious traditions get forgotten or started and not completed. So my already helpless feelings multiply because I hear all these people talking about their personal or family Christmas day traditions of reading the story of Jesus’s birth or daily for December following the advent calendar. Nevermind, some religious leaders or okay, meaning friends, tell you or give the impressions that you are less of a person because you are not taking extended periods for the Bible. Bible study and meditation time are essential and helpful, but this is a personal journey of finding the balance between what fits into the demands of life and when and how to decrease the demands on one’s time to spend time in the Bible and prayer. So comparing myself to Jones makes it worse. That does not mean I still keep trying to do something but not make it something that proves my worth. Where does this leave me as we move toward a twenty twenty-one that looks to be a repeat of twenty-twenty? Media and people are struggling with the perceived promise of a vaccine and returning to ‘normal’ also the New Year’s Resolution phase of the beginning of the year.
Honestly, I will not even try to plan New Year’s Resolutions until April or May. I will spend the next three to four months just listing the things in my home and myself that is important and want to change and brainstorm how to accomplish a realistic look at my ebb and flowing mental health needs. In April or May, try implementing life changes two weeks at a time instead of in one set clump created from that research and planning. Feeding the hype makes my life harder, so let’s step back and remove myself from the unrest.
Thank you for taking the time to read. Feel free to comment below to understand others may read the comments, but I probably will not. Anxiety goes through the rough, just considering it still.
May whatever your December and January look like, remember you can do this, and it may not look like another’s journey, but that is the beauty of living. We are all individuals, and our travels look different except the core, keeping fighting and learning. There are good days and bad days. Celebrate the good and learn from the bad.
LOL
Remember, the carts are not social distancing during this pandemic; the people using them are.
Cashiers can not fix your financial mistakes. All we can do is tell you what you overspent.
Reminder
Please shop from January to March. We would like more than ten to twenty hours a week to live on, and we cannot get unemployment because we are employed. Remember, we are paid eight to nine dollars an hour, so that is not a lot to budget and cover expenses.
Random Observations 