Category: Anxiety

Week Review 6/8-12/2020

This week went well for the most part.  I had a couple of anxiety spikes but was able to determine the thoughts had no foundation.  I want to call ‘thoughts had no foundation’ as irrational, but depending on my day, the word irrational makes me feel worse. Let’s journey forward to review this week’s potholes.

What made this week a success is I was able to keep specific anxiety thoughts down to less than a day.  One, I had to rely on the individual involved how they felt.  I was rather proud of myself that I could ask the next day instead of several days later.  That several days delays normally impacted those around me negatively and my energy and activities. Where does that leave me?

I think in a decent spot.  On the home front, the physical tasks it takes to run a home got done.  In my anxiousness, I only once got upset and responded negatively to my family.  Where this stems from is that taking care of the house is done by me.  My husband provides financially, and my daughter is a teen journeying to young adulthood. Motivating her has become a personal failure that is going to take me more time to accept.  For the parents out there, yes, I know it is her responsibility now.  The struggle is over reviewing her upbringing and what I could have done differently. Long way of saying I am the chief cook, bottle washer, clothes, and finances.  So when my anxiety and depression turn into more exhaustion and physical pain than my other physical limitations already give. I get frustrated with the lack of help.  So for me, I found success that I only lashed out once while I was overwhelmed.  Lashing out for me is not keeping my internal dialogue to myself and speaking out loud.

This week’s only non-resolution, and I still wobble back and forth on, is the current subject of racism and social interaction.  What I keep anxiously dwelling on even though I thought I had resolved where my place was on this?  My anxiety took me to extremes; here is my example.  I went to McDonald’s and ordered what I always did, a ‘Black Iced Coffee’.  When asked about flavoring, I said no cream, no sugar, no flavor.  Upon picking up, I got a coffee with milk in it.  Yes, this may have been a simple mistake, but my anxiety took me to extreme thinking.  I took it because I did not want to back up the drive-thru, and I had water, so I was at least not out of fluid.  Got me overthinking did they put milk in it because they responded to me using the word black.  Am I no longer allowed to order coffee black?  I have always ordered it this way.  Some will comment, say plain.  I guess I can, but is not this subject going too far that we have to worry over every little word we use.  Multiple people have lost their jobs for knee jerk comments.  Heck Netflix took Gone With the Wind off due to the subject matter are they going to do the same for the movie Roots or any other Civil War based movie or movies Like Guess who’s Coming to Dinner with Sidney Potier.  My anxiety is not dealing well with this whole situation.  

Side note while editing this Gone with the Wind is being re-uploaded with historical context prior.  Which I must say is excellent, hopeful that the historical context will be an impartial review of truth.  In regards to McDonald’s in my pain, I did contact the store, which, thinking back on it, struggled if I should have done this.  Why because my anxiety is going to place me in a position of not going back there because I may have offended someone, and they will be angry with me.   Of course, coming from that industry of customer service in retail, it is ‘irrational’ to think they will remember me when I return in two to three weeks from now since I am not a regular.

I feel selfish, saying that I am terrified about talking and interacting with people right now.  Smiling at people or waving.  We have a segment of our society saying by being silent; you are advocating racism.  How can we support when we are unsure where and what we think over a subject being reported differently and reference materials are different depending on who is presenting it?  We worry about how to speak what we are thinking and are severely unsure of how another individual reacts, or do we lose a friendship?  As the racism wrecking ball moves into legislation, how will this impact other groups that do not fit the norm when politicians are writing all-inclusive language that will make things worse.

Thoughts of a weekly review are daily anxiety I did amazingly well on, so let’s mark that a success.  On the subjects pushed by mainstream media and social media of racism, police defunding, and now the situation in Seattle, Washington occupying a whole block.  Below are a couple links to the Seattle subject; it is two of multiple postings out there all different than the next.  I feel like a failure. I cannot seem to drop the anxious thoughts impacting my daily activities.  Strive to smile and nod at everyone, no matter who they are.  Still cause worry that they are offended.    

As I work through my anxiety research project and how to interact with myself and others.  Hopefully, I have put together something that will help me find a happy medium between being aware of current news subjects but not allowing my mind to consume me by worse case thoughts.

I was going to leave my review here.  This week’s pothole on this journey called life will be a success in personal life.  Interaction on a societal level marks a failure when balanced against the media, but a success when looked at I have not allowed it to send me to an anxiety attack that put a full stop to my day and week, just a couple hours here and there.  Keep journeying forward, life looks different no matter who you are.

New York Post – What’s really going on inside the ‘Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone’  

CNN – What it’s like inside Seattle’s CHAZ

There are many other postings that can be found on Fox News, The Guardian, and more.  All saying different things. 

Thank you to those who read. Sorry for the delay in posting this. Have a great new week.

Week Review 6/1-5/2020

Must say this week was a success for me, almost thought I was going to have to claim a full failure. For those who do not live with mental or physical health concerns, it is probably considered a failure. Those opinions are not me thou I am going to stand on success proudly. Where I had struggles this week thinking things through and did only accomplish physically the minimal and did not accomplish the anxiety research I wanted to. Started the week dwelling heavily on information from news outlets and social media conversation and what was presented on the subject of racism protests, looting, police and politician interactions thought was going move me into the emotional position of failure.

Writing my thoughts and continuing to research the subject on Thursday settled my mind for the most part. I have had to accept that due to where I live and my own physical and psychological limitations. I am not a physical protestor; all I can respond peaceful and not forward social media posts that stroke a fire that accomplishes nothing. All I can do is educate myself and my daughter, so we strive to continue to try to the best of our ability is to treat all equally. Indeed all lives matter.  

What kept me struggling at the beginning of the week was the violence and how a segment of our society said it was okay because people were in pain. Another aspect that kept pushing me was the struggles and actions of racism toward the Native Americans, Orientals, Muslims, Physical Disabilities, Mental Disabilities, Religious choice, LGBT, or any other aspect outside of the ‘normal’ that looked at critically. I understand from what I have researched; blacks have it worse; there is a whole culture of disdain and pain if I have read the right things. Also, I kept cycling with why as a society we go up in arms for two maybe three weeks, and then it is all forgotten when something new takes over the media, and no actual change takes place.  

The other aspect of struggle was before two weeks ago; the police could do no wrong during this shelter in place. How, as news outlets and social media, can we move from one subject be amazing to critical and death the next? Almost ready to swear off watching the news, many seem to fan the flames of anger and pain not report equally. Also, I am tired of questioning what truth and sensationalized. Sorry to rehash a subject that is moving back to a forgotten topic and that I already wrote on. Just I kept feeling like a failure as a person because the whole black squares on social media more irritated me than proved a point. Celebrities are popping out of the woodwork supporting the subject of black lives matter. If they genuinely believe in what they speak, hopefully, they are already involved in making changes. The subject that has been around since our country helped founded with the help of slavery? Plantation owners built their money from inexpensive workers.

Additionally, as a society, at least if the US population had not changed some, they would not be in at least have a chance to be in such a place of financial prosperity. I just felt like I was failing as a human because I cannot help in this struggle. Nevermind my simplistic thinking is we all live on this earth. Why can’t we accept we are all different and will not agree on everything. Must we respond to differences with violence? Then I realize that is unrealistic because we have had wars for less. Okay, I am moving off my soapbox of confusion and concern.

I am moving on reading and watching the pain. Both the protestors and the police are trying to make positive changes. What stood out and was concerning was those that communicated with violence attacked was looking to keep this week as a failure. The reason I have moved toward success is that I have accepted that I am a remarkably ineffectual cog in a wheel of something I cannot understand or change due to personality and location. Change needs making, but I am not in a position to contribute. I am okay with that now. I took many days toward feeling like I have failed blacks and society. But my success is that my anxiety and depression are not putting me at a place of emotional destruction because I cannot fit myself emotionally to what social media says we should be. It is not who I am.

To me, we are all human beings. I may not agree with the decisions made. I am embarrassed at times of calling myself human. But we are all indeed individuals, and we all look and interact with life differently. Experiences cause differences, thought processes, emotional reactions, education, and so many to list. Those differences are surprised when things are going well.

On the issue of black racism, yes, from what I have read, things are wrong. We are still a foreign culture as a melting pot of beliefs, customs, and history of pain and poor political decisions. The US has at least changed a small amount we had a black president, 50 years after Martin Luther King Jr. and 150 years after the civil war ended. Heck, I know at least in my family that some members are older than I use negative words to describe blacks because that is what they have always called them, and ‘that is what they are.’ All I can do is personally ask that person not to speak like that around me. The world as a whole, there will always be sections of our society that are extremists. Where does this leave me again?

All I can do is concentrate on continuing to treat everyone I come in contact with as equal. We are all capable of evil if pushed wrong. Striving to learn of who we are emotionally and what our strengths and weaknesses. My success in the week is that I am still standing; my anxiety and depression have settled. I am comfortable with accepting that I am not in a position to do amazing things. All I can do is research and teach to the best of my limited skills. Vote to the best of my ability, sign petitions when asked, and keep my section of the social media peaceful.  

Thank you for sticking with this journey of discovery through such a difficult subject we are currently rehashing in our news outlets and social media. May all those on the front lines of this current subject stay safe. May some progress be made in protecting all those directly involved protesters trying to communicate change and police striving to safely do their job of protecting all citizens of their area. May the police that should not be in that profession be safely found out and removed. Those destroying property and theft caught. Hopefully, the term racism is treated with care when creating policy changes that all minorities of ethnicity, religion, or thought be protected unless physical or emotional violence occurs. There are so many shades of grey within the words of racism.

Have a great week. Here is to be returning to making progress on my anxiety research.

I have included a couple of videos of James Baldwin that helped me see what life is from a viewpoint I have no reference to except a couple acquaintances and co-workers that are black. One from 1965 and 1979.

James Baldwin’s “Black Lives Matter” Speech (1965)

James Baldwin’s “Black Lives Matter” Speech (1965) – posted by Cave Jokes

Excellen James Baldwin speech in Berkeley (1979)

Excellent James Baldwin speech in Berkeley (1979) – posted by thepostarchive

Something that is opposite of everything but thought I would include this video and song. Video is Dick and Rick Hoyt of a father and son that participates in marathons (http://www.teamhoyt.com/). Song written by Paul Sikes and Bonnie Baker and song performed by Troy Johnson, found it uplifting during this time of struggle. 

The Extra Mile

Rory Feek – The Extra Mile

2013 Jimmy V Perseverance Award

The Story of Team Hoyt @ ESPY’s 2013 Jimmy V Perseverance Award in 1080 HD

Thought of Day

Tree stands alone

Saw this tree on my walk, and it reflected how it’s alone in a field just at the beginning of housing development, and behind a strip of stores, both just sitting there not moving, not offering anything productive just resonated with me.  This weekend (6/1/2020) that with the protest turned riots and the overwhelming feeling of what’s the point and what have I contributed to help or hinder.  I thought I helped by supporting my local church and missionaries in our inner-city area of Cleveland, OH.  What’s the point, another example of our politicians and apathetic people not doing anything, which got me even worse feeling with my anxiety.  Realized, I do not have enough personal knowledge and facts to make an informed opinion and action.  I have included a video I watched a couple of days ago.  I will say now it is a Christian pastor I am sorry if this offends but appreciated what he said.  I have also included Tested by Adam Savage, who also gave a different perspective personally, it came off harsh.  Both provide different views but similar in how this looks moving forward.  Both helped me realize that due to my physical and mental health limitations, my task is to find where I can help in the small picture, not the large image. 

Tony Evans – A Message From My Heart

Tony Evans – A Message From My Heart

Adam Savage Tested

Adam Savage’s Tested – The World Right Now- Still Untitled: The Adam Savage Project – 6/2/20

What I came away with from both that we are responsible for our actions alone.  For me, that puts me at peace with continuing to donate to food pantries, homeless shelters, and personal churches.  For the prejudice is not forward any inflammatory social media posts when possible respond with researched facts and linking websites.  Strive to greet all citizens of this world equally.  When a conversation comes up, be honest that I do not have enough effects to make a decision.

Part of this current peace that turned into rioting partially about the fact that inequality of finances, health, insurance, work, bullying, foster care, school shootings, and the list goes on.  Our media presents it when something traumatic happens, and we hear about it, and social media becomes agitated for a couple of weeks, but nothing ever entirely changes. 

Selfishly some emotionally, this makes me exhausted from trying to figure out what I can do in the big picture.  Realistically I cannot, so small changes will continue to be a battle plan.  As mentioned earlier is donating where I can, treating others as equals.  Verbally and social media respond in a virtuous manner.  Limit my watching of news and research the actual problem.  Another aspect is striving to examine the voting history and speeches of the people I vote for and participate when I can on local policy issues or changes.  Sorry for the long and draining writing; it has been an issue listening to the diverse opinions of both positive and negative.

My anxiety and depression have gotten a workout from overthinking what I have contributed to the problem.  Then I have to realize I am in an area of Ohio that is limited in interaction with the blatant racism currently publicized at least that I am aware.

Another aspect of thought that came to me as I struggled emotionally over this subject is It has only been 155 years since the Civil War and 55 years since Martin Luther King Jr killed.  As a people, we do not like change.  An example of this by the Jim Crow Museum (below is what I found about the museum). What is impressive to me is how recently this was in place if you look at the dates involved.  It is fantastic that we live in a country that voted a black president so recently given the years seen in the movie.  Even then, Obama characterized in the video.  Something that struck me is what seen in this museum is a time frame that these people are or were recently alive bringing up children who could now be in our political arena, protection fields, and any other corporate structure.  We have a long way to go, but progress is being made. 

Nevermind, we have the Native Americans systematically being killed through a lack of services on Reservations. They were here before any of us. Here is an article Native American tribes’ pandemic response impacted by many inequities https://news.yahoo.com/native-american-tribes-pandemic-response-124729299.html.  So much pain in this world inequality comes in many forms, as mentioned previously in all aspects of our society.  Even those struggling with mental health have limited resources to help us due to personal finances and lack of insurance.  

As an individual, what is the position of accountability when our social media tells us that we are right or wrong?  As an individual, what is my place with the inequalities of life?  Unsure how others feel, but I will continue to grow as an individual with a variety of health issues and a desire to support my fellow man within my limited sphere of influence.  I cannot fix the world and its issues.  There always be inequality all I can contribute is not to add to the pain and support those I come in contact with that are in pain.

I have really been struggling this week and end of last so I had to get my thoughts out on paper.  If it helps wonderful, if not I am sorry.

WARNING: This video of the Jim Crow Museum has some very violent pictures and scary images showing what was in place early 1900 to now.    I am sorry if this offends people but felt it is important to show there is a long battle ahead to counteract many years of racism. 

Jim Crow Museum

Jim Crow Museum – Jim Crow Museum

Week Review 5/25-29/2020

Sitting and considering this week with my desire to find the positive in a negative week. This week was the hardest to move toward seeing success. Anxiety was expansive and draining. Due to my sleep apnea and periodic nights of insomnia that leaves me tired anyway, I skate the edge of exhaustion daily. Anxiety adds one more level of drain. Where do I find the positive in a week of failures?  

I am no stranger to failure. Is that failure a personal perception or just fact? If looked at from the lens of ‘normal’ answer is yes. The answer to yes is from the point that I am only working 32 hours a week, maintain the basics of home care, motivating my daughter to finish her classes this last week of school, work on blog posts/T-shirt design, care for pets, and cooking dinner. I did not sort much in my goal of downsizing. So the personal perspective of the ordinary is that I did not achieve an average week. One if asked by others that I would not be embarrassed to review with an outsider. With that thought, I am looking at this week as an utter failure. The choice of being transparent is that perfection is a personal perception and that success is in how you look at life. How do I find success in my muddy pond of perceived failure?

Let’s begin with an acceptance that last week I had a plan for my sleeping medication, and due to events out of my control, I was not able to follow through. Sleep is such a significant component of my energy. Not being able to add more rest impacted my strength—the exhaustion presented by falling asleep at my desk. Additionally, due to lack of sleep or a shift in my hormone levels, my anxiety was worse.  

Anxiety is a daily battle of over the top concern that I am letting people down. This week was infinitely worse. My husband chose to do something for me. I thanked him for doing it. Mentally though, I immediately started to prepare an apology that he had to do something that I usually do but had not achieved. Also, developing excuse was the mental drowning of what a failure I am, that my husband works full time, and the primary provider had to take care of a piece of home care because I fell asleep when I got home from work. Well, did that not look pathetic or what? Yeah, anxiety is a deep hole of muck and mire that pulls you down to a level that you feel like you are constantly drowning in failure. So far, this does not get me closer to digging out of the muck and mire and moving to a clean pond of success.

I was dredging the week’s muck and mire, maybe if I looked at what was different. Started Monday well, I had gotten two good nights of sleep and was able to follow my created to-do list to the letter. That always gives me a level of peace. Monday afternoon worked on a box of clutter and finished preparing our home for hot weather and setting up the portable air conditioner. While at work in the evening, the cat injured himself. I stayed up to early am Tuesday, making sure it was a sprain, not a break, and shifting the cat’s favorites to my room where he was away from the dog. Monitoring stretched into Wednesday evening until I had to verify with the vet on Thursday the leg sprained not broken. It was, which is excellent. Okay, so reality check my energy started heading to zero because with monitoring the cat, I did not take any of my evening meds like planned. One negative down and mental muck discarded where it belongs to the trash heap of failure that I am striving not to live.

On the next level of muck, Tuesday and Thursday were full of appointments. It is allowing me not to keep to my daily schedule, even though following the plan is essential to me, feeling triumphant when I accomplish caring for home and family. With being tired and a variety of appointments, the schedule could not be maintained, struggling that this is okay. Life has impasses, and we need to move through them, not let them stop us. Muck of illogical thought is sticking on this subject. The home and family should have care done to them even in times of distraction and exhaustion. With a partial acceptance, it is okay that I did not accomplish all that I wanted to in weekly care—moving on to the final illogical level of anxiety muck.

Next is that even though I made positive remarks and acceptance about my T-shirt designs and being okay with them not selling. Internally I am a liar. I created for the T-shirts, not having any sales, and consumed with reading comments left on Facebook. Reinforced by the fact that I read a post on my page because I liked and followed the store page. One of the individuals on my personal Facebook page commented that she was probably going to stop going on Facebook because of all the ads. My anxiety automatically assumed she was offended by my shirt design about face masks. Both aspects bother me and that this adds to my internal mucky lies of failure. I do have a positive that I did have strength in myself to create the Facebook page and invest in advertising, even though the consequences triggered an anxiety attack. When searching for the precise truth out of all the emotional muck that my mind has created this week?

With great struggle, I can see that there was a success even though my anxiety makes it difficult to understand. Success for me a short time is that another person’s reaction is not about me, and that is okay. No one was hurt. My husband helped around the house, and I thanked him for not acting like he had done something wrong because I was worried that I could not get to it. A creative outlet is just that the store was for creativity, not financial, and with the pandemic worldwide, people are concerned about how to live with less, and getting something not food-related is low on the purchase list. Also, things do not happen immediately. Emotionally this week was a success. This success comes from the perspective that I am not dwelling on my perceived failure of the week, after digging through the muck of illogical anxiety-driven thought. Many of my perceptions directed so negatively. The success is that I can acknowledge this negativity and see the positive and move toward the next week. In moving forward, I can begin fresh and try again. With this situation being repetitive, it may be time to consider returning to researching anxiety at both an education level and scriptural level. Past, neither was a cure-all but allowed me not to be stuck in the muck of my thoughts for weeks just days. 

Here is a favorite drawing, I do not know the creator; it has been years since I saw it, and I cut it paste it into a document.  

Just a gentle reminder to balance out the protests and life daily struggles this week, I ran across What’s the World Coming to? Song, with video by Home Free in their album Dive Bar Saints. I found it very uplifting, and for me, a beautiful reminder that bad days are okay, we need to learn from them and move forward. Have a great week.  

Home Free – What’s the World Coming To? (Official Music Video)

Home Free – What’s the World Coming To? (Official Music Video)

Side note: Due to the protests, May the World keeps moving toward accepting everyone as equals and individuals, including cultural, social, ethnic, financial, political, and belief. I know it is a pipe dream, but it never hurts to pray for equal healing and understanding. My thoughts are with both the peaceful protestors and the law enforcement that are just trying to do the best they can. The protestors to peacefully get their point across and the law enforcement to protect the people. Both sides of the equation have people of violence. May the media strive to show the peaceful and the force and not just push at only the intensity because that raises the ratings. Any death of a civilian unprovoked is wrong, but responding by destroying property not even connected to the actual situation solves nothing. Here in Ohio, many restaurants were damaged and looted, and cars burned. What does that genuinely gain except to reinforce outsiders’ opinion that violence needs to respond with force? Some did respond with a positive response.  Not taking a position, because I do not have enough unbiased information, just an opinion based on current and past protests.  I support those that strive to peacefully get their point across even if it will not change unless tests can be done to weed out racism in all forms.  Then there would be no one because we all have some form of racism in us.  Another aspect to maybe pursue is not shaming our law enforcement and acknowledge that their jobs are stressful and they need professional care before they make a harmful decision on a civilian.  PTSD I am sure is part of the police force just as it is in the military.  Just not something talked about because they are our protectors.  Most of all work on fiscal, communication, and educational equality for those impacted by their generational circumstances. Not justifying the wrong being done right now by either side.  Just giving a different perspective to the increased violence.  Below is a variety of videos from this weekend in the Cleveland, Ohio area.  Sorry for so many just such an amazing variety, could have included more. 

News 5 Cleveland – Video: Vandals destroy Cleveland’s iconic East 4th Street

News 5 Cleveland – Outbreak of violence takes over peaceful protests across Ohio.

WKYC Channel 3 – Violent protests break out in downtown Cleveland, OH

News 5 Cleveland – Volunteers clean up downtown Cleveland, OH following protest

News 5 Cleveland – Cleveland comes together after a night of unrest to clean the damage, destruction.

News 5 Cleveland – Lorain Police Department joins protesters, announces measures to combat police violence

News 5 Cleveland – Local spiritual leaders react to the death of George Floyd, protests; address needed change

Everyone take care during these times of change and hopeful renewal.  Stay safe during this time of COVID and US protests or other country protests.

Working through Anxiety

An aspect of my life that controls me is anxiety. My anxiety shapes every decision I make good or bad. Foundation of the fear is pleasing others. Making sure everyone is happy around me, even when that means placing myself in a position of negativity. Living since childhood like this is easy to stay there. It is such a daily struggle to bring awareness to ingrained habits. Where will this journey recognition take me? Unsure, but prayerfully it will be a person that is a balance between pleasing others and honoring myself.

Aspects that got me thinking about this is what I truly want out of the next half of my life. Do I want to be held back by my fear of the unknown and not pleasing others that I do not even know? Is that any way of living? No, but if I have not had the strength before what says I do now. Was watching the attached video of someone who with planning set out on his dream of traveling. Not what my goal is at this time, but watching his reaction when he saw the fantastic Canadian scenery. Lately, my guilty pleasure has been watching this man’s freedom of being himself. From this video, he had one phrase at the end’ Dreams Don’t Get Handed To You – You Earn These Moments’. Another expression he had was ‘Tough Times Pay Off – I am Proof of That.’

WARNING some people may be offended by the first two minutes of his reaction to people watching wildlife while out of their car. I just wanted to give people a heads up. I agree that when viewing wildlife, one should stay in their automobile.

Life Without Limits by Vancity Vanlife

Journey of a Van Dweller – Life Without Limits by Vancity Vanlife

Life of anxiety and desire to change is acknowledged what next? Ugh, I am so confused and scared. I strive to live a presence there to help others, but finding the strength to say I do not have the desire, time, or energy is hard. Another more significant anxiety struggle is how do I stop the thoughts of misunderstanding a person’s demeanor where I interpret that I am doing something wrong. I need to change myself when coming to find out that I did not even register with that person as a problem or care.

Future goals are an aspect that is important in this walk. What are those goals? Short term goal, as mentioned, is downsized and empty current house of clutter. Long Term goal own land and self-sufficient entertain friends and groups. Another long term goal is to support my husband and me with my creativity. Where to go when you do not know how to start?

Truly the anxiety is the most draining aspect of the mental health that I move forward through life. The short and long term goals are achievable in small steps. The anxiety, though, makes the steps like baby steps, not adult size. My mind becomes overwhelmed by overthinking a person’s reaction or word choice, and what did I do wrong. Anxiety has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. Unsure of how to stop or turn the fear into a positive lifestyle aspect. A sample is an acquaintance of mine, and I spent an afternoon together that individual was quiet and did not contribute much. Once we parted ways, I have spent the last five hours off and on worrying about what I had said wrong instead of doing any sorting or artwork. Other than contacting and looking like an idiot and asking the next day. Then I start thinking they feel bad for me and lie. How do you make your mind stop such unproductive thoughts?  

In years past, I embarrass myself and ask if there is a problem with something I have done. This life transparency then leads to even more concern of childish image to those around me. But what if my action had hurt that person’s feelings. Striving to shift years of this train of thought seems daunting. I think I am going to leave this here. I am stuck on worrying about what I have done. I have no ideas. Stagnant in a pool of doubt of my worth and genuine contribution to the world around me.

For the individual situation, I am going to ask and pray for the truth. Then on a lifestyle path is research and figure out how to change my current steps. What I have been doing helps a little but not enough. I waste so much time and energy overthinking when there was nothing wrong just in how I thought. Will continue to ponder anxiety and how to adjust years of habits and thoughts. I can not keep living trapped by my negative perception of others’ feelings and actions. 

Thoughts of Isolation

CBS Sunday Morning 5/17/2020 – Adapting to Isolation

CBS Sunday Morning Video synopsis

The forced isolation brought about by stay-at-home orders poses an unnatural state for human beings conditioned to thrive on social interactions. Still, our experience of being alone could inspire a new way of living. Lee Cowan talks with professors of sociology and genomics, and with a Benedictine monk, about how to adapt to the stresses of this period of isolation. He explores how some people are coping via hobbies, such as sketching, baking, or quilting.

For a personal thought, as I watched this, and the opinion and research presented was that people like being around other people. This self-isolation of the last two months is emotionally impacting people. I had to step back because I do not feel affected by this request to stay at home for safety. My impact is on other aspects of life reactions but not isolation.

My life has always been a stay at home unless I am working, volunteering at church, or a bible study. I never enjoyed going out except for dinner two or three times a month, so my husband and I had time to talk to each other. Does this lack of impact make me a ‘bad’ person that isolation is a blessing? I do not have that infernal questions from others that I never know how to answer when they ask, ‘What did you do this weekend?’. They always look sad when I respond with nothing because that is what we did, and I was happy with that. Our family does not usually go on vacation; the closest I did was treat my daughter for the last three years by taking her to Cedar Point (https://www.cedarpoint.com/) weekly because she likes roller coasters and swimming. Even then, that brought fear from people that I was not riding any rides, I read a book while she was on the coasters. I enjoyed our day, and we talked about life when going from ride to ride and when going on the train together. With all that said, I over worry about why do people feel that families, friends, and acquaintances need to be together continually.

A four-year friendship I had that ended recently also had this overwhelming desire to be around people. The individual often said in anger to me that I could get in the car and go wherever I wanted. When I said, I did not because I had no interest in going by myself to places, and I did not have the money to just up and go somewhere that did not involve a necessity. We used to go places until I could no longer take this person with me due to a physical limitation on their part. Our friendship started to fall apart what is so amazing about being around people?

With the isolation of this stay at home, we do not need to worry about whether we are wearing the right clothing or saying the right thing to someone, or are we interacting correctly? There is so much peace being alone and able to work on a task, meditate, pray, journal, or work. Interacting with people is exhausting and draining. So I am still puzzled why we are not embracing the shelter in place. Yes, I know we are easing up in restrictions, but until the world feels COVID has concluded, our lives impacted. Heck, why do we want to interact with people that bad mouth others that do not agree with a decision made or information believed? Have Facebook contacts that I do not read anymore, and they are so nasty about their personal opinion. Their current topic is the COVID numbers are false, face masks are a lie, our government is trying to control us, and decisions politicians made at the beginning of this in March. Whether these statements above are true or false as individuals, we are allowed our personal opinion. We do not need to say we are naive or stupid for believing or following what asked of us.  

My take on the COVID numbers we will never truly know based on decisions made in regards to how and who tested or information documented. Face masks do help either they will be beneficial in protecting from environmental like smog or the flu wearing them is not hurting you unless there is a physical or emotional reason. Another thought is we are honoring the people that need to wear one based on CDC and company policy and procedures. Governments are trying to control they have done that before COVID this is just more obvious. What do you call some of the rules and legislation we have to follow before this year that make no sense. Politicians’ decisions since March, this is an unknown situation with minimal information whether they made the right or wrong decision. These same people may also complain if more people had died if the shut down had not taken place. Life is more comfortable to live and problem-solve around if we accept that not all decisions are significant decisions, but learning to live with the consequences take less energy than complaining and more gets done with a plan than just no idea.

Childishly I get frustrated because we all have an opinion of the situation around us, but it does not mean we should tear other people down for their opinion. In my opinion, I just posted my anger or be agreed upon it. Still, it is an opinion of what currently presented as facts from media and social media. These are full of sentiment, fact, fiction, and half-truths of other individuals. Opps went on a tangent, but it does show why I prefer my isolation. Face to face contact/socialization, and I cannot walk away from someone who is ranting. With the beauty of isolation I can read or watch something else, not something that pains me. So let us celebrate and accept the isolation when in need of contact, call someone or set up a time to meet for coffee or a walk in the park. For me, this time of isolation alleviates some of the anxiety that comes from being around others—trying to fit personal actions to others’ perception of appropriate behavior or speech.  

Reference

CBS Sunday Morning, Jane Pauley, May 17, 2020,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw5J-V0NQQI&feature=youtu.be

Review 5/11-15/2020

Monday started, sitting and reviewing last week and daily task list and projects. Still feeling tired, headache, and distracted thinking. Concern that I am going to push myself to fast and crash physically as I have in the past, frustrating and disappointing. I have so many things I want to do.  

With great difficulty, I am not going to add any projects I was planning to integrate into this week. Hopefully, this will stop the physical crash I am often dealing with routinely. The other concern more than the physical exhaustion is managing my depression and anxiety because lowering my activities make me feel like a failure. Continually keeping my thoughts of failure, at-bay, will be the ultimate success.

Tuesday struggle day started at 5 am no energy or desire to get up. I did get up for work. I got home at 12:30 pm to a problem with the kitchen sink. Fortunately, my husband was working on it but as always got upset with myself, thinking I could have known about the issue before I left for work. I know deep down that it is illogical. So success was I did not let that thought stay long. Another success was my daughter did complete some more assignments. So I was able to reward her. So many things need doing, and I had no energy. The day ended after ordering food and picking up, cleaning up the kitchen, posting blog/journal entry, and having late lunch at 4 pm. I felt exhausted and nodded off at my desk. Such tough decisions lay down for 30 minutes before I did write up a list of what came to mind what needed doing. I hope that once I get back up, I will have a chance to move forward. Unsure where this great exhaustion is coming from hope I can walk through it. See how the rest of the week shapes up.

Wednesday through Friday was more of a repeat on the level of exhaustion and errands that need run. No sense repeating Monday and Tuesday in writing. Wednesday did have one aspect that I thought would take me out of the picture for awhile emotionally. A 4-year friendship that had ended mid-March for a variety of reasons resurfaced negatively. For most of Wednesday, late afternoon, and evening, I tried to understand what I had done wrong for this return. Almost called off work for the rest of the week.  

Through the internal review, I have determined not to let the situation destroy the progress I had emotionally achieved with my mental health since our friendship had ended. I had to accept that this individual’s emotional needs and negative perception of life were not something I was emotionally in a position to support personally. I had slowly been pulled further into my depression in trying to help this individual. In accepting that I was not responsible for how others perceived the situations around themselves was beneficial. Personal emotional health was essential and that sometimes we run into situations or individuals that we permanently or temporarily cannot be around. It is okay we are stronger when we understand who we are and what we are capable of deciding or accomplishing.

Success or failure is my goal for these reviews. Ask me at the beginning of the week it would have been a resounding failure. This failure determination would have been false. The week was a success. Emotionally and mentally health-wise, I am amazed and thrilled that I did not dwell on what happened with the past friendship or call asking for forgiveness that was not needed. Personally, it was a lot of prayer and a review of my goals for myself emotionally.

Physically also was a success if we squint. I was able to maintain my daily home care tasks. I was also able to spend some time emptying some boxes and prepare for a massive Goodwill run. 

Saturday morning, with my sleep apnea untreated till our hospitals return to standard testing. I need to accept and make it work with what I have for physical and mental energy. As mentioned previously, I do have medication for insomnia, which makes me extremely tired the next day, so working 7a- noon Monday to Friday does not give me the ability to take them. I did take them Friday night and slept in Saturday morning but had more energy than the rest of this week. Success for accepting I have limitations. With those limitations, though, I can strive to determine a plan to keep working on adding more to my day. It just takes longer than I would like.

Journey this week was filled with potholes of pain but was patched over with feelings of success for not regressing.

Thank you to all who take the time to read. I have included a song from Meghan Trainor – Treat Myself. This song represents how I felt on Friday when I just rested for the day with minimal guilt.

Meghan Trainor – Treat Myself

Finding Motivation Through The Tough Days

I am returning to the topic of motivation, is a personally constant search. Motivating through exhaustion is difficult when integrated with mental and physical health needs. Let’s look at what the Oxford Dictionary has as a definition.  

Motivation

[ˌmōdəˈvāSH(ə)n]

NOUN

  1. the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.
  2. “escape can be a strong motivation for travel.”
  3. synonyms:
  4. motive · motivating force · incentive · stimulus · stimulation · inspiration · impulse · inducement · incitement · spur · goad · provocation · reason · rationale · ground(s)

Have the desire and willingness, just not the energy. Find me hip-deep in a lousy week. As Tuesday creeps toward Thursday to stop me from becoming overwhelmed by thoughts of being a failure are the priority. Striving to concentrate on following my daily list but prioritize it based on absolutely must-do tasks. The goal is so family, work, and house not impacted. For those that have read the past blog subjects, these exhaustion weeks are one of the reasons I created a daily printable list. I mentally spend so much time figuring out what is remarkable: so much time wasted that nothing gets done. With the record, I can check off what done highlight what is next after a break. Taken me years of off and on working on different lists some short and some too detailed. With the horrible days, I do one to two tasks than a twenty to thirty-minute break. Breaks being reading, writing, watching YouTube, sorting clutter, or catnap. My thoughts of failure usually are what makes me crash, and nothing accomplished. History sleeping either from a migraine or just lack of motivation and feelings of why bother I am a failure, and my husband and daughter are going to leave me because I am worthless.   

Currently feeling that I am treading water, at least I am not sinking. Not much to give for suggestions but keep motivated to at least accomplish the basics. I did include a quote I found online that has helped me keep working on my home’s needs and not let my mental and physical health grind my life to a halt. My journey this week seems to be in a valley, but that does not mean I am not looking ahead to strive to go back up the hill of life. May this day find you well; none of us are alone in this mental and physical health; it just looks different as we all move through our lives.

To wrap this post up with something fun. Below is a fun song/video from Mercy Me that when I need something upbeat and reminder that I do not need to strive for perfection. Usually, play this in the background will doing something mind-numbing like folding laundry. Mind-numbing tasks typically are when I struggle with my self doubts the most. Video is silly, but enjoy how it shows the lack of perfection that we all are, and that’s okay. We can still live life with joy; it just looks different from person to person. Also, I have an evil streak and love to freak out, my teenager, when she walks in while I listen and start moving to the song.  

Mercy Me – Happy Dance

Motivation Quote 

Reference

Lexico by Oxford Dictionary, https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/motivation

Motivation Quote, https://randomobservations.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/b8771-inspirationalquotes-theroadtosuccessisnotstraight.jpg

Marketing…Why?

 In watching TV recently, I noticed the number of ads geared toward mental health medication content but also the increase.  Struck me that they concentrate on describing the pros and cons of symptoms or act like a depressed person look pathetic.  Below is an example of an ad from 2019, I have also seen the same company recently but different actors.  The cons seem to outway the positives, which got me thinking about how I can improve my emotional place with a minimal amount of medication.   Which is a balancing act of drugs, professionals, and lifestyle choices?

Striving to find a personal balance between personal lifestyle and medication.  It has always been a journey I have been on since the late seventies.  This journey has been beautiful, painful, and repetitious.  There are aspects of my life that are success and failure.  Failure comes in when I am riding high on my feelings of invincibility or filling my time with everything.  Everything is keeping busy with things that I perceive the world, family, and acquaintances will view as my success.  Pleasing others has always been my metric of success.  Do I have a ‘real job’ are not all jobs real.  Yes, they are real, but education, media, and some family place high expectations in words an actions.  Expectations are corporate jobs, higher education, and top pay.  There is a substantial aspect of our culture that cannot achieve that either through mental health, decisions made when young, cultural limitations, physical limitations, and personal motivation.  The metric I saw I need to perform was Executive Secretary, Manager, or Supervisor in an office setting.  All of those placed incredible stress that would impact my health.  I am happier being a trainer or manager in the retail/service industry.  Part of our culture does not look on retail or service industry as having a ‘real job.’  Finding a balance of emotional health and work success impacts the mental health journey.

The journey toward balance brings me back to marketing and the increase of medication ads and culture toward mental health.   Do we have an increase in ads because our society is trying to show it is okay to have mental health needs?  Another television media is seeking all revenue streams? Then again, why am I even concerned about this is just another aspect of our society and culture that agitates me.  

Agitation comes from that the two questions go hand and hand because we are a world of individuals and corporate need/greed.  Even though we are more open to mental health, the portion of our society and culture do not still understand that even with medication, our days are sometimes not our own.  We still have good and bad days.  Going to a professional is few in far between because of finances and insurance limitations.  Finding a professional that works with who we are as an individual takes times as well.  Journeying with mental health is a delicate balancing act of hills and valleys.  

The journey of mental health assisted by medication, and monitoring the options through marketing presentations is probably not beneficial.  Seeking out a professional is the better options available.  A professional will know the ins and outs of the medications and you as a person.  Celebrating that media is comfortable showing the drugs and the need for them.  At this point, I choose to chuckle at the descriptions they give of symptoms to avoid.  A sad chuckle that half the symptoms described are why I sought out medication in the first place.

Prayerfully, this finds everyone well.  Just having introspective exhaustion filled beginning week.  The review next Saturday will be interesting.  Do intend in future weeks to moving back to journaling my food and lifestyle choices.  It has worked for me before then when I felt better took on work that triggered a downward spiral.  We shall see what this detour of my journey will bring.

I have included one of the medicine ads for context.  Also, this one I find insulting, other people may not, but for me, just nails on a chalkboard.