Category: mental health

October 2020 Life Review

October 2020 Life Review

In September, my Anxiety and Depression spiked. With October, there is still a problem with my anxiety and depression, and striving not to increase meds, I tried essential oil, which I have done with not as much improvement as I would like. Was looking for a decrease in anxiety episode or length and found ease in managing an anxiety spike. November will pursue diet options and change up the oil amounts. Still had the internal dialogue of self-hatred. Oil wise just kept it at three drops in the diffuser for Balance in two drops for my wrist of Lavender. Not sure much about the Lavender. November Balance on wrist and diffuser. Lavender will be at night under my nose to see if that works. Where else to look?

I looked at sleep and thyroid. Unfortunately, thyroid numbers were standard, which took that aspect away, and according to the sleep specialist, my sleep is showing well. Neither has an answer for me why I am still sleepy and depressed. As I have over all of my life, I will keep journaling and reviewing my food, vitamin, and mineral intake to monitor food more than the other aspects. Some may point at my work schedule of 60 hours as a home health aide and retail sales associate. Maybe a contributing factor, but I had always worked sixty hours in one form or another up to two years ago when I went down to thirty hours of work as an on-call Home Health Aide for a friend and my exhaustion and migraines. I am so unsure if that is a valid option to change, never mind that this is not something I can modify just due to the financial needs and goals that I have for myself and my family. Thyroid thoughts hmm where to start?

Thyroid has been the bane of my existence since nineteen-eighties with an ongoing battle of a dis-content plan to expand on that but will probably not be extensive in my monthly synopsis. The only comment is that I have had better numbers success with combining the assigned medication and a herbal supplement from GNC. Unsure yet, I post the name because, according to the bottle, I am not supposed to take it if you have thyroid. The only downside is that I have more energy, and I have lost weight, and my numbers were balanced. My numbers have never been balanced before. Sleep Apnea. Oh, why does sleep have to be such a large component of functioning in lives we try to thrive in successfully?

Okay, so all the research says that 8-9 hours of sleep are necessary before the C-Pap machine. I have always slept 4-5 hours and felt sufficient in the morning. Depression and anxiety wise no different than now. Unless I take melatonin (1mg) and GNC HERBAL PLUS® NATRA SLEEP™, I sleep at five to six hours. I get seven if I am exhausted or have additional Reishi Elixir or chamomile tea. The few times I achieved eight to nine hours, I feel worse and have difficulty achieving clear functioning thought takes at least three hours to feel clear-headed. I am still trying to determine if it is worth changing what currently seems to work to achieve eight to nine when it makes things worse. Hmm, rambling thoughts aside, where to go from here?

This month has been a success. Anxiety and depression have been challenging but manageable. Thankful for the ability to keep functioning without impacting anyone around me at work or my family.

Faith Walk

Hope Church 10/4/2020 9 am

The sermon starts at 33:05; for anyone that did not want to go through the music, I find it relaxing. Challenges in life enjoyed the humor of his experience of the St. Andrews Golf Course. The dress code, rules, and expectations; how this looks in living life as a Christian in today’s world.

The quote he gave that struck home to me was, “Understanding what others value can give us an audience to share what they truly need to understand.” For me, the biggest take away was listening and striving to understand—the importance of listening and understanding and caring for a person’s need, not attacking. Appreciate the reminder to care for all, not to condemn, Acts 17:16-23.  How did we go away from helping others and striving to assist? Enjoy the Las Vegas story. The reminder is excellent to engage gently with ideas and communication with quiet without attack. As an individual, it is a personal desire to treat all equally, even if I disagree. Strive to go forth myself is to live this and not become agitated when I see others’ opposite. I can only control myself, not others, but my life can be an example, Colossians 4:2-6. 

Did also find the Myth of Epicureanism from Epicurus (341-270 B.C.), The Myth of Stoicism by Zeno the Cypriot (340-265 B.C.), The Myth of Polytheism by Euripides (480-406 B.C.); these Myths were exciting to see. They fit the multiple lifestyles of enjoyment and without morals, ethics, or rules; since the 1960s eye-opening, this underground battle of culture, lifestyle, and religion has been around since time began.

Hope Church 10/11/2020 9 am

Pastor Shawn talked about and continued the need to engage with the world around us with humility, gentleness, and God’s truth. He spoke on anxiety and fear of life around us and used an example from DL Moody’s life. A fear acrostic is False, Evidence, Appearing, Real. Also, we spoke of Paul going to Corinth from Acts 18, found the reminder about how we can live in this world, but as an individual does not mean we have to conform.  

Hope Church 10/18/2020 9 am

I began with hearing the Noel’s who are missionaries on sabbatical in America for a year. Reinforces the tremendous power of God and how diverse people that we care for and teach.  

Acts 18 reinforced the perception that God is a potter. By being a potter, He remodels our life through our experiences. As individuals, we are responsible for how we react to these changes to our lives, both good or bad. Do we accept and learn, help others, or do we respond in pain and anger? Our lives are a Work in progress, not at the speed we would like but at God’s timing. Briefly, Pastor does reference the hypocrisy of the past, present, and future religious, and the damage they do by searching out the meaning and living Faith in Christ. God will use all experiences to further introduce and live Faith in Christ and Living and represent Christ. A reminder that no one is perfect, even those we set on a pedestal, can fall from a beautiful path with God and present the failing as human and can negatively show a presentation of following Christ. We are individuals, both good and evil. We must search out God based on the Bible, not the examples of people that have made choices of the word, not faith in God.

Having the Holy Spirit in our lives is so comforting during the trials of life. I cling to this comfort during my intense moments of anxiety and depression. It is hard to see the beauty of Living for Christ in the pit of depression, but it seems to take the edge off and gives me a path to stumble back to a course of emotional Balance. Depression may not be gone but having the comfort to know that the Holy Spirit helps ease the pain of anxiety and depression. It is thriving daily to function in public without too much exterior presentation of my depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety do not disappear when you accept Christ as Lord and Savior. Still, it does give another layer of protection to survive another day as well as possible in the situation you currently live in. Christ is a teacher and a healer, but he uses the life experiences of believers. We are his tools to assist others that have lived a life of pain and struggle. At times we would prefer not to have the experiences. It is beautiful to help others understand the beauty of Christ even during times of negativity or struggle.

UGH, so which Pastor Shawn has asked about prayer life because that is an anxiety trigger. I feel like a failure in that aspect but understanding that is fixable and not as a crisis as my mind makes. Love the transparency of Pastor Shawn that just because we choose to be a believer, we are not perfect, and we all fail at times, and that is okay.

Isaiah 

Galatians 6

Romans 5:8, 10:9

Hope Church October 25

Sacrificial Ministry of believers and doing this to deliver or witness Christ’s message; life is about making choices that either help or distract away from learning if and following God.

Breaking patterns of comfort that bring false comfort. For me, that is reading Fanfiction. For many, there is nothing wrong with fanfiction reading. For me, it takes hours away, I will sit, and hours bleed out without me realizing it. Reading Fiction is a method of mental running away that creates a sleepy feeling in me. For many years this an ongoing struggle. When I stop or shift it to a timed hour, so much more is accomplished in my life. 

Ephesus’ lifestyle seems like Spain with Siesta. Paul’s example of teaching and prayer during the siesta is what I want to strive for—replacing Fanfiction with learning more of God’s Word and caring for the home and family blessed having. What struck me was the reinforcement that knowing God’s Word is a lifestyle choice, and we must always strive to respect our Sunday teachings but strive to learn and grow, never-ending until our passing. I loved the duck’s story and how, as people, we mimic this methodology of living in comfort. Walking with God may not seem easy, but blessing us with that security of knowing that emotionally God supports us even with mental health may seem like it. Even in those moments of doubt of this support, God has always been with me. My mental health could be so much worse if I did not have God’s help.  

As Pastor mentioned, it may not look like one is following Christ. It is how you, as an individual, feel and able to witness others the joy of knowing Christ. It is not a cure-all but living well in God’s name.

Matthew 7:20-23 Lord Word is essential for knowing Him and not truly understanding the seriousness of striving to live for the Lord and keep struggling with the items of our lives that distract from learning and living for Christ.

Not sure if I can do this with Fanfiction has always been an aspect of my life that numb my mental and physical pain. Gave me the ability to ignore my physical and psychological health pain and not address and make changes. This struggle has been there for over fifteen years.

Questions

What makes it hard to leave some of our sins behind?

What are the consequences of this sin?

Response: deleted all my links and fanfiction updates. Have done this before and pick it back up when life gets too hard. Consequently I do not have the time to pursue other tasks in life.

American Pride?

American Pride?

Found the below video about how international news commentators and journalists see the United States and the current election and many past years. One aspect that I came away with that I am embarrassed to be called an American. It is not just one person’s fault. Personal Perspective is how proper communication, problem-solving, and compromise are no longer implemented or shown. Additionally, we seem to have forgotten our history that made America the ultimate destination for a melting pot of nationalities, cultures, skills, and religions.  

The New Yorker – What Do Foreign Correspondents Think of the U.S.? Documentary posted 10/26/2020

As November third approaches here in the United States and voting nears, I struggle with my mental health needs and the conflict between Democratic and Republican sides. This battle between the two political sides brings forth anxiety when speaking with people.  Personally, choose not to speak about either political label. Due to my strong illogical desire not to offend others and start an argument, I cannot win depending on which side of the political divide the individual is speaking from politically. Part of this position stems from my home; we are a two opinion household running a government. So, where does this leave me when moving around this politically charged landscape we currently call living.

Somedays, I want to throw up my hands and move to land in the middle of the forest or island, become a nomad van orR.V. dweller. My perception is that these make it easier to avoid others. Currently, that is not feasible, and I am sure many from that lifestyle or culture still interact with others; it gives the impression that it is easier to avoid conflicts. Well, now that we know, I cannot avoid things like I desire. Currently, I live with others, and my two jobs are industries that have me working with people face to face. Where do I go from here to not only survive but to thrive in this land, we call America that claims to have pride but is so fractured that the individual’s perception of what being American means. 

Let us break down American Pride definition-wise. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, American pride does not even have a definition. It is just sad that there is no definition of something that the media spouts about that America is Amazing. So if we are wondering why, is there no definition describing American Pride? Let me see what I can determine by breaking down the two words.  American is a word to describe an American Indian of North and South America, a native or inhabitant of North or South America, and a native or inhabitant of the U.S. citizen.  Pride is the quality or state of being proud either with conceit or reasonable self-respect. Well, I guess that explains why American Pride avoided having a definition in the dictionary. As culture shows or presents the good and evil as Americans, we can be the arrogant or present culture of ingenuity and self-respect. Contributing to the world that we are conceited would not be something that, as a culture, we strive to ignore or negative over the top behavior.

Some people’s actions show conceit by feeling that they are owed things without following the rules in place or earning by effort. Just saying you are American does not give you the right to be seen as royalty. I saw that in being a Voting Poll worker in the last election. Many times, I heard, “What do you mean I cannot vote? I am an American Citizen.” Suppose one has not registered or followed the laws in place by one’s state or local county. In that case, people need to accept a mistake, learn from the error, take personal accountability, and change individual action from that point. Acknowledging the conceited behavior shows that we are abusive to those around us instead of the country of inclusion that we pretend we are. There has always been a culture entering our country that was attacked because they are escaping severe situations.  Immigrants, mean the different perceptions of how life should live based on their societal and cultural norms to mesh with the new culture they find themselves with, not what the tv or movies present.

We have forgotten the melting pot that America began termed starting in the early seventeen hundreds and a method of living our religious and self-rule freedom. This desire for self-rule is why the revolutionary war was our leaving a monarchy. What is scary to me is when delving into some of the political rhetoric presented to the general public from social media or political rhetoric, we are striving to return to why immigrants left their countries of origin. Being told how to live, spend our money, and what healthcare we are allowed without a free choice. Yes, some can get insurance, and some cannot. Companies need to return to offering affordable and beneficial health insurance to all employees, not just full-time employees. Most part-time employees cannot get insurance, and with companies that do, it is low quality and takes a third to half of an individual’s paycheck. Insurance companies, the Doctor, and Hospitals need auditing. Not our Government paying for something that they can barely afford for those that are disabled or infirmed. Scared about what our future will look like when I cannot get care on time and cost due to not getting to a doctor. I have this trouble now with insurance, and I have watched over individuals with medicare get less care than I do, so why do I want a government to rule every aspect of my life. Below is a presentation of Canada and French and how it matches the U.S. system. I am not promoting any particular political party, just presenting information allowing for the blessing that living in the U.S. gives, which is the freedom of choice in voting. Yes, the presentations sound right, but U.S. government parties cannot even agree on how to help those impacted by COVID, so how would our Government even implement or pay for this supposed healthcare for all.

CNBC – How Canada’s Universal Health-Care System Works

CNBC – How French Health Care Compares To The U.S. System – 2019

Making America Great or Build, Back Better, living in our country, is a personal choice. We must take responsibility for our actions, and that means re-building our nation. As individuals, we cannot wait for the Government to do it for us. We must do it as individuals, not the Government’s place to tell us how to make our country. We need all economic and social society levels, but evening this out would be lovely but impractical; there has always been a society based on financial separation. What is essential is to strive to take care of those in need without stripping away their desire to improve themselves. We can all, at a personal level, survive and can be thriving. It is all in the perception of our circumstances. What is essential food on the table and family safe. What if we reached for that instead of things that have minimal value.

  Voting and Living for Pride in America is learning and presenting a society and culture, celebrating the differences in all of us. Culturally, Economically, or Religiously that may not always agree but disagree with humility and genteelness. America began from a desire to live with a free religious and governmental rule; our forefathers fought the Revolutionary War for independence from a monarchy and tax without representation. World War Two, we rationed to support our troops. How have we gone away from this get-up and go to sit and talk/complain? It does not mean riot but research extensively and get out and vote what your conscience leads you to. Get out and volunteer with groups that help underprivileged, abused, or sex traffic. Needs are plentiful in our country. Please get out and volunteer or financially support the needs of the many who do not expect a government that no longer understands the financial needs of their constituents. Suppose you cannot help with time or money and support word of mouth by talking or posting on social media. Making America something to be proud of again is a ground roots action of taking care of the needs of those around us, not waiting for the Government who probably could not even agree on what color to wear one day. We are a melting pot, and right now, we are not a cohesive aromatic blend. We are a rotting separating mess.  

Let’s get out and vote based on research and conscience. Let’s get out and help others and accept that we will not all agree, but each of us can make a fantastic blend in this melting pot we call the United States.

Here is a music video that registered, and I kept thinking of how many of us live in self or situational cages. It is time to strive to step out and break the apathy wall that has fallen on many of us. Make choices to change the world around us individually, not the big picture that will take care of itself as time moves forward if we return to striving to treat people as equals and care for their physical and emotional needs. 

We The Kingdom – Cages (Live Album Release Concert) – 9/3/2020

‘Feed a man a fish he starves the next day. Show a man to fish he will eat every day.’ Of course, my depression just took over my writing and finished that with ‘then the man starves when he overfishes the stream.’ But that is the beauty of humanity and the diversity of people. Where one association can show a man how to fish, and others can come in and show how to do so sustainably. Suppose we return to working together and stop pushing ourselves to strive for the media’s idea of an ideal life and determine our perfect personal experience that brings a sense of mind and heart peace. Peace looks different to all of us. I would be happy on 500 acres of land providing care to RV and van dwellers through a laundromat, wifi, showers, place to stay for a couple of days to a year privately. Another individual may be happy living in a prominent downtown city or small town caring for our immigrants, police, youth, military’s emotional needs, career training, or financially supporting a food bank.  

Get out and vote and look to yourself to make changes to a better society to understand that mental health, physical needs, culture, lifestyle, religion, and life experiences will impact yourself and those around you. Agreeing to disagree is okay. Strive to help those around you through word, action, or both. Let’s make American Pride something to be Proud of again.

Works Cited

International Encyclopedia of the Social Sciences, Melting Pot, https://www.encyclopedia.com/history/united-states-and-canada/us-history/melting-pot

Merriam Webster, Melting Pot Definition, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/melting%20pot

Diversity of Perception

Diversity of Perception

People are fascinating! This fascination has increased as my years here on earth continue. Searching for understanding and living as part of this earth with mental health needs sees my anxiety foundation to please whoever I meet even at my health cost. This pursuit of understanding people and my anxiety; developed my purpose of understanding was through a Bachelor of Psychology, watching tv, and reading books, articles, and the Bible. This Research increases the feeling that people, no matter a small village of twenty in the backcountry or an urban sprawl of three million, we will live to disagree on all subjects, large or small. Diversity is a fantastic ingredient to living life to the fullest or complete chaos. As individuals, we must choose to engage in this life around peace, mediation, frustration, or anger.

Diversity of people and living seen through the subjects people pursue to have an opinion. The opinion of faith, religion, music, social media, houses, fashion/clothing, furniture, churches, politics, rules, and so many more. Childishly I struggle with why we cannot just get along; it would make my anxiety so much easier to live. Suppose I did not have to worry about how I spoke to someone and how they will perceive what I have said as an attack or agreement on the facts that I base my decisions and opinions. Opinions have become subject to the idea, turning them into fact-based on where and how they presented in social media and private conversation. Added fuel to the fire of discontent that some feel. Rationally I know that people will always feel differently than I, and I cannot please everyone but the mind has different ideas. I am still doing my ostrich routine of touching base briefly on subject matters important to me and the current worldview and watching national news, leading me to find two YouTube presentations. The presentations are about monuments and racism and a celebrity choice in responding to these 2020 contentious subjects.

CBS Sunday Morning – A monumental reckoning with Mo Rocha 10/11/2020

Mo Rocha of CBS Sunday Morning presented a piece about Monuments of Historical figures and how since May of 2020, there has been a push to have all removed. The first individual he spoke with was Eric Armstrong Dunbar, a Rutgers History Professor and Author who sees George Washington as one of our founding fathers and a slaveholder. Got me thinking about the Diversity of our Perception toward different subjects. These perceptions were made, by how we grew up, lifestyle, culture, society, research topics and origins, and our mental health position. George Washington shows how our lifestyle, community, and culture impact how we perceive people and physical representations of history and art. Found Ms. Dunbar, perception of monuments and how above elevated people and the power of over us. Personally, my perception is that it is over a top idea. I can see what she is saying, but why do we have to put so much thought into a piece of metal that many may not even know who it is except that we need to meet if we get lost in a new city. Additionally, it does reinforce the cultural and societal positioning at the time of statue installation.   

Another historical figure was Christopher Colombus’s removal and the perception of his statue based on culture and advocacy to the political arena at the time of installation. The Italian Americans had him put up as pride and response to them in 1890, but others see him as a figure of oppression. Mo Rocha spoke to Lonie Bunch of the Smithsonian about statues taken down and their place in history. His position is that statues should present today’s value and the challenge that would become. That the changes to the figures should become part of a discussion, and discussion is not taking place. Ms. Dunbar was of a similar mind, but her words supported the destruction of the current ones based again on the opinion/perception that rage fueled the attacks. A rage becomes physical attacks. Another author interviewed presenting a different perception of the situation.

Richard Brookhiser comes from the thought that humility should be part of the discussion. Loved his phrase, ‘If you are only going to have statues of perfect people, you are going to be left with Jesus Christ.’ As a believer, I agree that someone may completely oppose their personal experiences of Jesus Christ and religion. He has written about many of our founding fathers. He compensated for his position at George Washington’s role in our history. Lonie Bunch also feels that our historical people should give a foundation for discussion to change the landscape of understanding and diversity of culture statues.

Philadelphia, in 2017 placed a statue of Octavius Catto, a murdered 19th-century civil rights activist. Why do our children not learn of this level of history also?  

Learned that statues toppled in anger have been happening since we have been putting them up in response to what we perceive is the good of our historical people. Then removed as history change so personal perception is this destruction should be a part of the conversation and another shift in culture that prayerfully will not turn into a Civil War that will kill 700,000. I considered trying to find actual numbers of blacks killed versus police who died in the line of duty. I wonder what the real numbers will show, but again perception of presented statistics would make that search difficult. Unsure if I genuinely want an answer because it is not something I can fix. Additionally, just seeing the diversity of thoughts over statues and their destruction or creation is extensive.

On a positive uplifting, how as an individual can change the landscape by the choices we make in interacting with others. CBS Morning interviewed Jon Bon Jovi and his wife’s response to the 2020 hot topics. Shows that we are responsible for our actions in the positive or negative. Do we support and lift those in need or be bitter and complain about the small and large aspects of life that we perceive as important.  

CBS Sunday Morning – In Conversation: Jon Bon Jovi with Lee Cowan – (NOTE: Upon the time of posting this a week later it is no longer available and unsure why? But have left it just in care it returns.) It did talk about the new album for 2020, then postponed due to COVID. Then he looked around to the people’s needs that he could help—seen through the soup kitchen and food bank/pantry. He mentioned that the music-wise was able to move toward writing about the country situation. That song was Do What You Can. Another one toward American racial conflict in America’s Reckoning. Both amazingly fit the problem that is the foundation of what becomes confrontational opinions—striving for personal accountability of changing how we live at a one to one level, treating our fellow humans with equal care.  

I am striving to live to the best of our ability with the information we have from reputable sources. My perception/opinion of reputable sources is Research from scientists, a generalized overview from our government, and my situation.  

One aspect of current politics that is important even in this diversity of perception is that those in the United States are getting out and voting either early, absentee, or November 3rd. We are a democracy still, even though it may not feel like it to some. We do yet have a right to vote and present our opinions through the ballot box. My grandfather always said that one does not have the right to complain about decisions politicians made if one did not take the time to cast their votes.

Non-Faith-Based get out to vote, and here are two non-partisan sites. One is from 2018, so the Uber and Lyft information is not fully current, but here is the 2020 information I found (Lyft, Uber to offer discounted rides to the polls on election day, by Trevor Mogg on 9/16/2020).

How to Vote in Every State 2020

2018 Non Partisan Voting Resource by Kristin Brey

Here is a faith-based response to the need to vote that I found a great listen.  

Jonathan Evans – Official Endorsement on 10/9/2020

Thank you to those you read Random Observations. Sorry I do not respond comments maybe further on I will.

Belated September 2020

Belated September 2020

It has been a rough month; depression and anxiety were not easy to manage. Even this far into October, I have not determined the trigger or if it is just a hormonal shift. Without further blabbing, here is a condensed September working on putting together October. Success or Fail is two extremes to some. For me, this is how I emotionally review my personality, emotions, and mental health. Anxiety is still high; where do I go forward without going backward? 

Anxiety extreme had me thinking my husband was leaving me because he worked at the office for twelve hours. After some hearty journaling and reading past posts, I was able to move out of this illogical thought. Looking at the basics, my husband had not packed any clothes, I handle the budget/homecare, and he had already stated it would be a long day. I was incredibly proud that it only took me five hours to move me out of that thought process with no logical foundation. Additionally, I was comfortable speaking about my fear. Remarkable progress acknowledges that I have anxiety and takes me on journeys that no one else can see. This spike also reinforced that the second week of the month is an aspect of my life that I must prepare for emotional and nutritionally. In looking at my blogging and journaling, this is always an extreme anxiety work. What can I try for next month?

Was I coming up with ideas for next month? I am thinking of pursuing food and essential oil alternatives to avoid adding a prescription to my routine because most medications do not kick in for a week. My severity only is for a week. I want to find an additional component to not expend so much energy physically and emotionally on illogical anxiety thoughts. I often get my essential oils from DoTERRA due to the amount of research they put into their products.  https://www.doterra.com/US/en/wellness-topics-calming-anxious-feelings. When possible, it is best to find a professional to check. For me, I have not been able to find a holistic physician near me. My primary has not said I could not pursue oils; he has commented that there is not enough research available. I will try using lavender in my diffuser during the day and on a necklace, the Balance mix that doTERRA offers, and see if that helps decrease the time I spend cycling through my anxious thoughts. Life, in general, has gone well.

I have found a balance in my sixty hours of work and not harassing my daughter about her current poor life choices. I have faith that she will succeed in her life. She is just making choices that will delay that. But at eighteen, she is responsible for her future. A problematic week not to push when all I see is the worst-case scenario of her living in the street all her life. She has no motivation and feels that everything is fine. She gets nasty when I ask after her assignments to know how to document her school hours. Hmm, I cannot live her life guide when she has questions; back to my week.

I will put this week as a success; my work hours have maintained—housework taken care of and without anger that I do not receive any help. Anxiety was there but could work my way through my attacks may have taken some time but managed and only caused some exhaustion. Life’s journey filled with potholes but manageable get out of after some time, filling in either with sand or rocks that shift. 

I did not get to post last week due to a lack of motivation, and I have little to add these weeks. They merged and considered moving this to a monthly review allowing me to concentrate on blogging on observations.  

Last two weeks of September

Exhaustion and anxiety have been my shadow during this time. Unsure where to go because this seems to be a constant after the previous anxiety weeks. I got so little accomplished, and my depression is harder to manage. Medically this makes sense because anxiety and depression, unfortunately, go hand and hand. I am not getting anything done but work and the absolute bare minimum of house and family care.

Honestly, all I can look at is planning to keep to my plan for last week and see if this changes next month. Hold out hope for change, moving forward with my life goals, house, and family change. Have a thought. I may start using the DoTERRA Balance this week to see if that helps.

With reluctance, I am going to put these past weeks as a success. I have not called off work, and I am not sleeping all day.

Even though from the outside and inside my mind, I feel like a failure. With difficulty, September is a success. One may ask why? As mentioned prior, I did not call off, and my family has clean clothes to wear and clean dishes to eat from. Reason I had difficulty is I see what I’d not do most of all is not posting to blog out of fear. The anxiety of my fear bothers me that it is so controlling. So these last three weeks are a success.  

Ran across this from the Cleveland Orchestra shows what planning and determination can accomplish as the world changes around you. The norm is no longer possible. Meaning of Life and Goals needs evaluation and altered. We need to strive to not live in the past of prior pandemic. Move onto life during and after a pandemic.

CBS Sunday Morning – “Sunday Morning” Matinee: “Ode to Joy”

Faith Look

Below are the last three church messages from Pastor Shawn. For me, I find great peace of mind and heart that it is okay to struggle, question, and keep striving to improve one’s life. Most of all, the struggle is part of living in this world since time began. Life is not perfect; all we can strive for is living well.

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/6/2020

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/13/2020

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/20/2020

Hope Church – Brunswick 9/27/2020

Random Observation…

Random Observation…

Observation as I was watching one of the many prescription ads found in all forms of media. Again I mention the side effects make you question if taking the medication is worse than treating. Nevermind, does anyone research what happens when you are taking multiple prescriptions? Do they interact in a way that is worse than intended? Just things I think about when trying to figure out why I make limited progress managing my thyroid, anxiety, depression, insomnia, sleep apnea, and several stomach issues. It does not always work, and I have tremendous success and failure with monitoring my emotional eating, vitamins, and mental health challenges as a whole instead of segmented. But it is a tightrope I would like to have steady, not blowing in the winds of change.

What got me chuckling was thinking far in the future about archaeologists, anthropologists, and other aspects of historians, reviewing tapes of our culture. I can picture it now. The professionals or commentators are going to think we were a bunch of hypochondriacs. We also treat our bodies as if it lived in pieces, not as a whole.

Just a random observation of the life we live right now. Experience and information are ever-changing, accepting, and moving forward is worth the challenge to find your comfort level and place in this amazing world we call home. We are all different in experiences, opinions, religion, faith, education, perception, and health concerns. Striving to live and accept these differences with all is a blessing untold in being at peace instead of conflict.

A couple of ads that personally leave me chuckling, puzzled, and scared for our future overall health, another one that showed natural remedies and medical suggestions.

NEI Psychopharm – Side Effects Commercial – someone has already put together a YouTube presenting the humorous but scary side effects.

CBS New York – Age-Old Remedy Could Spell Relief for IBS – News Article – For me, I found this style of treatment seems to help better than the prescription. But I also drastically changed my diet. Change in diet came after a year of monitoring the foods eaten and the symptoms they triggered.

Trulicity Commercial – The symptoms list is what is scary to me. Some of the symptoms are Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). Which means one will probably take another medication for IBS.  

Abilify Antidepressant Add On Treatment – Again, the treatments’ side effects make me concerned, and they do not push too much about seeing a professional assist with depression.  

There are so many, and we see them, just a random observation from a mind that is continuously striving to improve my health.

In looking for these ads, I did find the next piece about why antidepressants and mood stabilizers trigger weight gain. Found it interesting but unsure what to personally change because many of what she suggested, in the end, were aspects that I am not comfortable trying.

Dr. Tracey Marks – Why do you gain weight with antidepressants and mood stabilizers?

Hope this finds everyone well and managing the life changes this pandemic has brought both good and bad.

Side note (September 2020) will post my weekly reviews. My anxiety and depression have not been beneficial to my motivation and energy for September.

Imitating an Ostrich

Imitating an Ostrich

Imagine an ostrich how we think that they hide from predators with their heads in the ground.  

 

Coming to find out that they usually crouch to camouflage with nature. 

National Geographic Information on Ostrich

With that in mind, for the benefit of my mental health and all of the current anxiety-inducing subjects.  Subjects that are anxiety and depression triggers are the loud conflicts of mask-wearing, pandemic facts versus opinions perceived as fact, election fact vs. fiction, politicians, race, right to protest versus rioting, etc.  I will continue to imitate an ostrich’s nature to camouflage myself from being part of the conflicts to protect my mental health.

I have touched base on this through past blogs, but as the weeks and months keep pushing on the fractured world we live.  The most recent is the latest Political and Black Lives Matter ads.  As a white person who strives not to see race, religion, color, or lifestyle choice, instead, treat the individual’s actions.  Since the end of May, I have struggled with the media telling me I am a horrible person because I am white; therefore, I’m privileged. 

Explained: White Privilege, Systemic Racism and Implicit Bias | NBC10 Philadelphia  · 7/6/2020

I struggle because judgments are made on many society segments, many based on economics; unfortunately, color is just more visual of a presentation. Still, clothes and street addresses also impact people’s impressions of who you are that may not be factual.

When I see ethnic and black people succeeding in life around me, additionally, the opposite end of the spectrum is those of all social, political, and racial range rioting, not just blacks.  We are a country of many options again; we need to find workable solutions for all, not just the loudest or violent voice.

Yes, I am blessed if I did not have anxiety. I do not have to worry about being stopped by the police just because of my skin color.  Of course, I still worry about being stopped with fear due to thoughts like did I stop slow enough, stay long enough at the stop sign, and any other illogical thoughts like that.  A person of color has many more views, at least from what I understand of different articles and YouTube videos.  Another example is people calling the police because they are just there or in Trayvon Martin’s situation just because he was walking home.    What keeps running through my mind is that the financial aspect keeps a large portion of our society down.  Yes, color is a part of it, but educating the diversity of learning styles. It is what we should concentrate on; as a society, determine how to inform the different learning styles equally.  For me, equal education is to bring back apprenticeships, skills testing in junior high and again yearly in high school, and counseling for all, not just those perceived as having problems.  Another aspect is to support those equally that are not college-bound and assist with finding training programs for their skill interests.  Also, arrange for junior and senior high school students to shadow their perceived career choice, so they genuinely see in a one week to one month time the nitty-gritty of working the field they say they want.  

Allowing all to make a personal choice to succeed at what they are comfortable working.  We all have different career/work goals.  A career to find internal success.  After many years of pain, I have accepted that even though it is not acceptable to the world, I am happiest as a retail person.  I have emotionally fought against striving for the world image of achieving an office job.  Truly happiest helping others and being on my feet and moving around in a supermarket, mall, or restaurant setting.  Twenty plus years of putting myself down that I was not a success by not scribing a ‘career.’ When I had one, it just did not look like one accepted by a large percentage of society. 

Earlier I did mention finances.  I do not feel that increasing the minimum wage is the way to go but looking at corporate waste and determining why our prices of goods are so high.  Another aspect is teaching realistic budgeting in the classroom and teaching want versus need and how to achieve that within a budget, not instant purchasing.  Where does this leave me with planning to imitate an ostrich?

With that mentioned, I want to be aware of the world’s topics around me for my mental health and work on watching some real news.  Local, national, and international in small doses and ones that strive to be neutral in presentation (Yes, you may laugh at me.).  Currently, finding a smattering of channels will allow me to hear or read the basics of what is going on.  It is difficult to find media outlets that concentrate on equal reporting, not bipartisan reporting, that is a large portion of reporting.  Another is just trying to find peace with much of what is causing chaos and immature reactions.  Just again, trying to find a balance of what is informative but not too harmful and emotionally destructive to my anxiety and depression.

May this find everyone well.  I just wanted to show that you may not be alone being overwhelmed with our current world topics.  Stay safe in this time of change. I strive to live with the understanding that life is not returning as we are familiar.   Accepting and determining how to live in this new era will see us succeed in accepting our unique experience.

I came across this TED Talks by Chris Coward Interesting piece about misinformation and our responsibility to listen or forward information.  Found this helpful.

TEDx Talks – Unmasking Misinformation | Chris Coward | TEDxSnoIsleLibraries

Channels I have been watching and some of their most recent uploads

CBS This Morning – Media mogul Tyler Perry on “Camp Quarantine” production and helping others – I enjoy watching these for showing that okay we have a problem, let us find a workaround.

BBC News – All children back in school by September in England pledges government – Watch BBC, I understand due to language also it is interesting to see how another country sees how they are handling the situation taking place. They are also just as confused as the US, but they presented differently and decreased negativity and finger-pointing.

News 5 Cleveland – Summit County Public Health strongly recommends K-12 schools reopen with remote learning – Usually, News 5 Cleveland due most times shows the information with a limit on the negative finger-pointing and often presents the facts with specialists giving the information.

The Ohio Channel – Ohio Governor Mike DeWine – COVID-19 Update / August 13, 2020  – when possible, I try to watch this to get the basics of information from the Governor to know what is sent out to our local policyholders and decision-makers.

Side note, as you can tell by some of the dates, I have been struggling with whether to put this one up. Essential that it is okay to find a comfort zone living in this changing new world. I feel we will not be fully returning to what was.  

2 Week Review 8 & 9/2020

2 Week Review 8 & 9/2020

Just something to think about as you go forward on this day forward from CBS Sunday Morning.

CBS Sunday Morning – Smile Behind the mask

Prep note combined two weeks; my struggles with my mental health has not changed much.

Week Review 8/25-28/2020

Physically had a decent week. Emotionally has brought up plethoras of struggles. Am I doing the right thing by working sixty hours? Why do I feel more value working outside of the home than providing care for my family? What is my place in life? Why do I push myself? These are the thoughts on my mind.

The first question is, am I doing the right thing working sixty hours? Took on what was to be fifteen to twenty hours a week, as mentioned before, has turned into thirty to thirty-five—these extended hours due to lack of employees. Where my mind keeps going is I enjoy what I am doing—interacting with all the individual personalities, even the cranky, nasty ones. Trying to be a smiling face in a sea of tiredness of all the struggles between the top News Topics. Retail also has fewer anxiety triggers by pleasing people in short bursts. That is the thirty plus hours of retail; what about the thirty-one on one.

Home care work is not as anxiety trigger low as retail but does bring joy, providing care for someone who can only minimal ministration for themselves. Doing personal care, home care, and errands for an individual brings some peace that I am helping someone. I am struggling with that if someone I trusted were able to step forward to care for this individual, I would step away from home care. It makes me feel like a horrible person; the family is fantastic and beautiful and wonderful to care for. Selfishly although this aspect of care is something I am not genuinely comfortable. My anxiety does work in me—any ache, pain, infection, or problem I take on as my fault. The individual continually tells me that I am not at fault; her serious health needs cause illnesses. I struggle not to take that on. Does this make me a horrible person that providing care to someone in need is not as meaningful to me as ringing groceries to a constant rotation of individuals?

This week has been weighing on my mind. Physically I will continue, and emotionally I will continue. Over my days of contemplation and reinforced by Sunday’s sermon, I am where I asked to be. Retail feeds me emotionally and allows me also to find spots in my anxiety to work. Caring for the individual gives peace to a family having a person willing to come every assigned time and not call off. An excellent simple thing but home health care has extensive call-offs leaving some individuals left in their beds or wheelchairs because they cannot get themselves up physically. How I met the person I currently care for: her evening aide called off a half-hour before she was due to go to bed, and I was available. Accepting that for both jobs is the right thing right now in regards to finances and emotionally. Where does this leave with my family requirements?

Family care is a whole other crisis; why do I not feel any emotional support or physical support from my husband and eighteen-year-old daughter? Positive aspects my husband cooks for himself. Does my daughter still ask what I am making for dinner? Yes, even though I only have two hours between my two jobs and I still have laundry, dishes, budget care, and grocery shopping. I am keeping my internal anger at this lack of physical support. No one is stepping up to clean or other care items. I do not even know why I am looking for this; I have never had it before. Physical and emotional support is not something either my husband and daughter can; they only see there needs. I celebrate the moments when my daughter asks me what she can do as I bring in groceries, and she puts them away. She empties the dishwasher within an hour of me asking. So I guess I Place myself as accepting the limitations of my family and emotionally pursue rewards outside of the house. 

An additional component of working so much is my daughter is in her last year of high school and is not motivated to graduate; she is probably not going to unless she truly realizes her mistake. I tend to hover, which makes her work less. Not being home keeps me from harassing her about her assignments, her words, not mine. For me, this will be the most challenging year to accept that she may fail by her own choices, and there is nothing I can do outside of doing the work for her, which is wrong. So hard mental health-wise, to know that she is so amazingly talented but has no drive to work outside her comfort zone and strive to suck it up and finish school and move onto what she enjoys and make a life that supports her. Where do I go from here?

On my weekly review of success or failure, I have accepted that I will place this week as a success. The anxiety is there but with difficulty, but successful habits could keep it to the background instead of the overwhelming front incenter feeling of failure.

Enjoy the journey of life as you see fit to live it, not someone else’s perception.

Thank you

Faith thoughts about keeping working on one’s goals; I have found them meaningful. What I enjoy is that Pastor uses scripture as an example that our life struggles have been around since time began. As people, we are not alone in having support and standards of living life well.  

Hope Church – August 30 Service – 9 am

Week Review 8/31 to 9/5

A repeat of last week’s mental health struggle is the same. Balancing between living life as if there are no adverse mental health thoughts when interacting with those around me. Internally the battle of what we are is unsound thoughts, and shifting them to a positive is such a struggle. I talked with a friend when I communicated my work thoughts from last week. She did not get what I was striving to share, which briefly made me feel like failing. Then I realized I was trying to fit her perception, not what and how I live and succeed with my anxiety. As with last week, I consider this week a success. I have not called off either work, and my family home is still standing, and the basics are handled.

Faith input but some truths even if one does not follow a religion. Found this week’s Sunday message, just a great reminder that even the church, even in the beginning, had arguments or differences of opinions. So seeing the conflict of belief in people’s statements and interpretation of facts are argued then and now. As individuals, we must strive to work as individuals toward decisions that benefit those around us for safety and well being. 

Hope Church September 6 – 9 am

Weekly Review 8/17-22/2020

Weekly Review 8/17-22/2020

Here we are again, success or failure in my life. Anxiety is still running away my internal thoughts, which has kept my depression slightly escalated. Keep questioning am I doing the right thing. I had goals for this week. Did I succeed?
Well, for anyone interested, I confirmed for myself that my prescriptions and vitamin-mineral mix work. My depression and anxiety were there in full technicolor. What I do see is that they were manageable. For me, painless is that it takes minimal time to talk my way to accept not to worry over the topic on hand. Another mental health symptom of lethargy if that decreases my mix is working. For example, for anxiety, at my new job, the store manager paged two leads and manger into the office just after I walked away from my register. My fear had me placed as being fired. I successfully talked myself down from that thought in a half-hour instead of hours and sometimes days. For me, that was a combination of returning to my vitamins with my prescriptions and returning to reading God’s Word in the morning. It is not as detailed as I was planning for, but at least it was a start that I can still add to it. May do a follow up detailing the vitamins that seem to work.
My vitamins’ journey is personal trial and error, with my doctors giving me a metabolic panel. The bloodwork panel allows me to see where I am limited. Vitamins I have not gotten enough from food are Vitamin B, Vit D, and calcium. We are all different. What will work for one will be different than others. For me, this vitamin-mineral cocktail was created over five to six years, five years of reading Mayo Clinic articles, holistic articles from doctors and scientists, doctor metabolic panels, and balancing emotional symptoms. In determining any life change, one should always speak with their doctor and be aware of what works for you. None of what I suggest is something I am paid to support, just something I have found works for me. Another aspect of being aware is that when I start something is one at a time for a week and monitor symptoms. Success on meds and vitamins. Where to next – work?
Working both jobs is going okay. Financially working sixty hours is helping toward my overall debt. My anxiety is niggling over because I have the energy to do two jobs, but I accomplished so little in downsizing my home and family care when I had just one job. Am I making to big a deal over this, or do I need to look at it? I genuinely need to look at this.
My value and energy seem to come from being in public and providing service to people and occasionally receiving a thank you and good job from customers, co-workers, and management. Is that it because I do not receive if from family. Something to consider as the months go in as I work sixty hours a week. What else was in my list downsizing still moving forward was able to make another Goodwill donation. My anxiety was pushing that it was not enough. When looking through, given the schedule, I have accepted that it is okay is more of a success than making the delivery. Hmm, next was studying the Bible have to say that was, as mentioned prior, not as extensive as I would like. As with Goodwill and downsizing, the fact that I made changes to fit it in is fantastic and wonderful, So all and all it through a lot of personal work through that looks like a tennis match my week was a success.
Everyone keeps walking toward your goals, no matter how small. Our success is just that it is what has us succeeding where we need to be. Emotionally and physically, our lives will look different than someone else.

Weekly Review 8/10-14/2020

Weekly Review 8/10-14/2020

Feel that I am surviving, not living. Depression and Anxiety came back with a vengeance this week. I had to fight to get up in the mornings this week. Going to bed was also an issue. By the middle of the week was questioning why I am here and what is the point. Why am I getting worse when I have days that feel ‘well’?

Backtracking over the last two to three weeks, I have emotionally and physically struggled to return to something that gives me meaning for employment. In doing so, I planned to take on 15-25 hours to schedule that already had 30 hours with being a Home Health Aide. I enjoy the retail over the Home Health Aide work, but it is challenging for clients to retain a Home Health Aide for their care. So I will stay with the amazing person I provide care. Unfortunately, last week my need to please people saw me work 6 days in the retail environment plus the 30 as a Home Health Aide. Retail hours totaled thirty-eight, so the previous week places my working hours at sixty-eight total. I was contributing to my continued internal argument of success over failure.

To the outside, looking in one will see and explain, of course, I am exhausted you worked sixty-eight hours in one week. Nevermind, I went from 6,500 steps to 14,000 to 15,000 steps daily with this new job and still only eating for the 6,500. My Anxiety does not see it like that; I should do more and be more substantial. How do I see my way out of this pit of emotional and physical struggle?

Goals are many; some I may be able to succeed in implementing others may not. A new job is to say no when called in or only stay for four to five hours instead of eight to nine. Food makes up and implements a menu for the days I only have an hour between jobs. Work on some of the list is a plan and made ahead. Return and concentrate on taking my assortment of vitamins. I noticed my prescriptions taken daily, but my vitamins missed due to timing and change in routine. Returning to my morning routine of reading The Bible and spending time on a devotional, I always found this a peaceful start of my day. Where does this leave me? Am I a success or failure this week?

My Depression and Anxiety are pushing to have me List this week as a failure. My goals from last week and the needs of the family were not cared for well. Failure is automatic feeling and response for so long it is challenging to see the week as a success. How do I put my mindset toward success when I want to hold onto the comfortable failure. It makes no sense, but it is a pit that is comfortable and familiar. How to move forward and not wallow as I want to do? Hmmm

Have to acknowledge that the schedule changed, and I have a plan moving forward. That it is okay not to accomplish everything when there has been a schedule change. So that is being said living it may be difficult. After some thought, going to list this as a success because I did not stop may not have been everything, but calling this week a success because I acknowledged that my goal was too difficult for the specific situation I find myself in.   

Keep striving for your goals.  Success is all in the eyes of who is living life to their personal physical and emotional best.  Sorry for the delay in posting just found this week a mentally distracting week.

Additional Faith Note:

For me, the following message from Pastor Shawn at Hope Church helped me put this week into perspective. I may not always feel that I am thriving, but succeeding is all I can strive for daily and may not look like everyone else’s life. What matters is what fits my life calling and purpose.  In reaching for my goals that are helping others even if that is caring for others that do not appreciate; and a family that does not understand cleaning up after themselves.  Life for me is to care for those around me in word and actions.  May not be grand as Nik Ripken, but even the small things are important. Care seen as working both jobs to hundred percent, volunteering at church, downsizing, blogging, and not being angry with my family gives the impression of not caring. This is my current season of life we will see as the weeks go as I will stay or succeed in moving farther ahead in being at peace with myself and goals.

Hope Church – August 16 Service – 11 AM

https://youtu.be/FWNTtLt2Eq4?t=654

For a chuckle the 9 am is slightly different and shows the difference in understanding of different words and phrases to different generations and social media awareness. Nine am was the use of Netflix and chill which was being used just as words to describe watching videos and relaxing that’s how it was meant. Unknown at the time till someone between services brought it to his attention was the urban culture meaning of the phrase of something totally different, I have included the link to the definition after the 9 am link. Personally I enjoyed the 9 am more before I understood the urban meaning Pastor seemed more engaged.

Bible Hub – Acts 11 for Acts 11:19-30

https://youtu.be/nUjzIKvfyNA?t=502
Just a look that no one is perfect but a message with innocent purpose comes through.

Urban Dictionary Definition – https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Netflix%20and%20Chill. Just clarifies that I enjoy life when words are just straightforward with no hidden meanings.

Wikipedia detailed information for the slang, if you are interested. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Netflix_and_chill