Was a successful week emotionally. Wow, that is amazing that I can write that right from the get-go. The beginning of the week started slowly and picked up speed as the week moved to completion. I’m not sure how I can replicate it in the future or accept the amazing and celebrate it when it repeats.
The week started roughly due to needing a tooth pulled and a temporary bridge put in. Choose to go home without pain killers even at the end of the week, still unsure what prompted me to agree to that. My dentist said something odd that got me thinking about myself that I am still uncertain about how to think through. He was under the impression that I did not do pain killers; he would be correct. How do I present myself that a professional would guess that? Going to leave that alone, I think, because nothing will be gained by overthinking. I did stay working in the mornings and work a little slower on my home responsibilities.
I was able to continue on my house care items but continue to work on downsizing. Downsizing is extremely slow going. Keep getting bogged down with keeping stuff that I genuinely do not need. The memory is inducing items I am taking a photo, putting a story with the picture, then Goodwilling the thing. But that takes time and energy that I keep having and not having.
Sleep study results finally came in having medium level sleep apnea. Already knew that from past tests going to for the third time, try a c-pap machine. Hopefully, with this specialist, I can find a resolution to the fact that I still wake up between the hours of 1 – 3 am even with the device. So that was some good and bad news. I was still waiting to hear from the company that will provide the equipment. Hopefully, the insurance will pay for it thoroughly, and I will not have a severe bill. The sleep study had a several hundred price tag that was hard to cover. Well, let’s strive not to over-worry about that while I have no information till they call.
Another great thing was I was able to work through my anxiety again and started my YouTube channel. It is not much, but I was looking for a place that I could place daily rambling thoughts. I was looking for a place that I could upload those five to ten-minute anxiety and depression inducing feelings that I would love to talk to someone about but have no one. I wanted to start the page just to let people know they are not alone. We all have good days and bad days. Was not a full success with my anxiety, I have a real worry about showing my face, so I film the sky or trees. Today was a look of me driving while I was talking. Posting is entirely rough and unscripted. Concentration is the spur of the moment thoughts that are pushing at my anxiety. The part is that I am presenting an unprofessional image, but that is not what I was going for in the first place—one more aspect of trying to help myself and maybe someone else that may be struggling. Also, feeling alone with those irrational anxiety thoughts that we can not always control even if we would love to.
I have to say I’m not happy with my minimal progress on downsizing, but that is putting myself down and downplaying my growth. Very happy that I have moved through my anxiety of being public and not striving for perfection when uploading my YouTube submission. Additionally, part of my sense of peace came from the fact that I limited my watching news media to just local.
Here is the link for the You Tube video. Transparency it is just a rough rambling thoughts. So please do not expect professional it is just a person wanting to show life with mental health in a honest walk. Have other videos working on to add.
When considering researching anxiety and how professionals and non-professionals see the facts and opinions of what anxiety means and how to live well with it, I would like to be upfront about these posts intended to present my walk with anxiety. Over the years, I have found textbooks and presentations on mental health can sometimes feel demoralizing. Understanding that professionals do not mean to be but from where my past and current walk with mental health has had good days and severely bad days. I do not consider myself a professional communicating how to live one’s life with mental health, just someone trying to find a balance between living daily with mental health. This journey with medication and minimal professional care due to finances. When living with Mental Health, it is best practice to seek a professional to walk side by side with you.
For transparency, I have a bachelor’s degree in Psychology, and the state of Ohio has a Social Worker Assistant Certification. I keep up my certification should there ever be an opportunity to find work in Ohio using my education. Still, Ohio companies only want Licensed Social Workers and Masters of Social Work. Also, my first job started as an activities staff to develop a dementia program that was discontinued and told to replace the outgoing Social Worker in a Nursing Home Dementia Locked unit. After a year and a half became burnt out by no time in my day. My desire to help families during this challenging time. When combining family with paperwork, overwhelming miscellaneous tasks, and paperwork required for each individual and family. Both priorities became too much because it became about paperwork and checking the state-required documentation box, not the care and support of the individual and family.
Temporarily off-topic, I was not surprised by the high numbers of deaths in Nursing Homes during the COVID-19 pandemic. It has nothing to do with staff, not caring; they lack support and compact quarters. Clear communication that matches the corporate owners and federal and state agencies is lacking. The close quarters of nursing homes also contribute to these high numbers. Toward the end of my time, thereby burn out see nursing homes a non-traditional prison of our elderly, and I do not see how that will change, giving them more federal and state-mandated paperwork is not it. Filling out questionnaires or forms on client care, is not it? It is enough staff having the time and energy of treating them like family.
Additionally, corporate and federal structures giving the facilities the money they need to hire and staff for all the positions required. Nevermind, I do not understand how a nurse in a nursing home or hospital can give safe care on a 12-hour shift. The amount of paperwork and phone calls balanced to the minimal amount of staff do not allow for the warm care marketed in ads. When even now, cleaning personnel, activities, Certified Nursing Assistants, and Nurses do not have the time to care for all of the emotional nursing home population needs. Never mind that the money given by the federal government does not correctly support the client’s actual needs when on Medicare. For those with family, all I can say is research as well as you can the facility you can place a relative in a facility and visit often. There are good ones out there that take time to find what finds the needs of your family. Oops, sorry, went off on a tangent this was a painful part of my life giving up a dream of social work and counseling was hard. Let us return to why I am pursuing this search for mental health care.
Degree pursuit consequence on my mental health was the autopilot when taking on to much to smother my anxiety. Neither of these makes me a professional to help, just an individual striving for finding what works and what personally does not on this walk through life with mental health that ebbs and flows like the tide. If one has been on the Cape Cod shoreline during low tide, the smell of the mud is horrendous. But with that muck smell comes some fantastic things in life oysters, clams, mussels, crabs, and seaweed. So I strive to remember that with the muck and offensive odors of life with mental health comes impressive things if we are willing to search through the muck to retrieve them and see them how they are successes. Okay, so where do we go from here? I didn’t promise to post these on set days; experience shows I cannot maintain that, and then my depression kicks in, reminding me what a failure I am for not keeping my word.
Thoughts are two fold I am going to work with two aspects of my life so that I can strive to find a happy medium. As many with mental health know, there is a portion of the culture or religion that does not understand how to speak to mental health except that Christ or for others higher power of choice or cultural structure reinforce. Some will say, ‘You do not believe, do enough work, or follow your doctor’s instructions.’ Yes, that may be the case on some days, but not all the time. When one does not take their medications, see their professional, or eat, sleep, or exercise correctly, you’re not helping yourself, yes that is a part. There are days, though, that is a struggle even when everything is aligned.
Working through Anxiety Research by segments, I want to walk through an educational platform or presentations I have located online. I want to present mental health facts through the perception and education of a professional and balance out how I am hearing the piece and arrive at how I take it and either help me or because of where I have to discard temporarily. We are all individuals who will work for one does not always work for another.
Another section of this site will have where I am coming from with Christianity perception of mental health. Due to the volatile nature of religion in the world at large and my fragile walk with anxiety and depression. I will upload on the main blog with a distinct title then later move to a separate area so that those who are comfortable can read and research themselves and balance what they need from an education standpoint without bringing religion or culture into the mix. Again, transparency, I will on the faith section be using scripture mostly from King James Version of the Bible and a variety of Commentaries and walk through well-meaning signs or scripture verses people post for mental health.
So the post that caught my eye for the educational platform was from North Shore Stress & Anxiety Clinic right off the get-go. I have no connection to them; it is just a piece I found on YouTube. The title of the presentation is, Don’t Worry, Be Happy? Understanding the Nature of Worry and Anxiety by Dr. Rami Nader, a Registered Psychologist, was presented on February 19, 2015. Below is the hour-long presentation. Then in later posts, I will strive to go through and give what and how I hear the offered information. Chose this one because I found it an easy listen and registered with me. Allowed me to find some balance in my life, what was genuine worry and what is an Anxiety.
I hope this finds everyone well. I look forward to continuing to find balance in walking through life with mental health on the shore of finding success even during the success and failure as our mind sees growth. On a positive note, I am closer to finding the inner strength to work on uploading to YouTube. Also, as a positive, I am still creating my t-shirts even though there are no sales. I take this as a success because I have kept moving forward even with the negativity.
Have a great week, and may everyone enjoy their journey of life even during the good and the bad days. We can learn from all our days even when we do not want to.
This week went well for the most part. I had a couple of anxiety spikes but was able to determine the thoughts had no foundation. I want to call ‘thoughts had no foundation’ as irrational, but depending on my day, the word irrational makes me feel worse. Let’s journey forward to review this week’s potholes.
What made this week a success is I was able to keep specific anxiety thoughts down to less than a day. One, I had to rely on the individual involved how they felt. I was rather proud of myself that I could ask the next day instead of several days later. That several days delays normally impacted those around me negatively and my energy and activities. Where does that leave me?
I think in a decent spot. On the home front, the physical tasks it takes to run a home got done. In my anxiousness, I only once got upset and responded negatively to my family. Where this stems from is that taking care of the house is done by me. My husband provides financially, and my daughter is a teen journeying to young adulthood. Motivating her has become a personal failure that is going to take me more time to accept. For the parents out there, yes, I know it is her responsibility now. The struggle is over reviewing her upbringing and what I could have done differently. Long way of saying I am the chief cook, bottle washer, clothes, and finances. So when my anxiety and depression turn into more exhaustion and physical pain than my other physical limitations already give. I get frustrated with the lack of help. So for me, I found success that I only lashed out once while I was overwhelmed. Lashing out for me is not keeping my internal dialogue to myself and speaking out loud.
This week’s only non-resolution, and I still wobble back and forth on, is the current subject of racism and social interaction. What I keep anxiously dwelling on even though I thought I had resolved where my place was on this? My anxiety took me to extremes; here is my example. I went to McDonald’s and ordered what I always did, a ‘Black Iced Coffee’. When asked about flavoring, I said no cream, no sugar, no flavor. Upon picking up, I got a coffee with milk in it. Yes, this may have been a simple mistake, but my anxiety took me to extreme thinking. I took it because I did not want to back up the drive-thru, and I had water, so I was at least not out of fluid. Got me overthinking did they put milk in it because they responded to me using the word black. Am I no longer allowed to order coffee black? I have always ordered it this way. Some will comment, say plain. I guess I can, but is not this subject going too far that we have to worry over every little word we use. Multiple people have lost their jobs for knee jerk comments. Heck Netflix took Gone With the Wind off due to the subject matter are they going to do the same for the movie Roots or any other Civil War based movie or movies Like Guess who’s Coming to Dinner with Sidney Potier. My anxiety is not dealing well with this whole situation.
Side note while editing this Gone with the Wind is being re-uploaded with historical context prior. Which I must say is excellent, hopeful that the historical context will be an impartial review of truth. In regards to McDonald’s in my pain, I did contact the store, which, thinking back on it, struggled if I should have done this. Why because my anxiety is going to place me in a position of not going back there because I may have offended someone, and they will be angry with me. Of course, coming from that industry of customer service in retail, it is ‘irrational’ to think they will remember me when I return in two to three weeks from now since I am not a regular.
I feel selfish, saying that I am terrified about talking and interacting with people right now. Smiling at people or waving. We have a segment of our society saying by being silent; you are advocating racism. How can we support when we are unsure where and what we think over a subject being reported differently and reference materials are different depending on who is presenting it? We worry about how to speak what we are thinking and are severely unsure of how another individual reacts, or do we lose a friendship? As the racism wrecking ball moves into legislation, how will this impact other groups that do not fit the norm when politicians are writing all-inclusive language that will make things worse.
Thoughts of a weekly review are daily anxiety I did amazingly well on, so let’s mark that a success. On the subjects pushed by mainstream media and social media of racism, police defunding, and now the situation in Seattle, Washington occupying a whole block. Below are a couple links to the Seattle subject; it is two of multiple postings out there all different than the next. I feel like a failure. I cannot seem to drop the anxious thoughts impacting my daily activities. Strive to smile and nod at everyone, no matter who they are. Still cause worry that they are offended.
As I work through my anxiety research project and how to interact with myself and others. Hopefully, I have put together something that will help me find a happy medium between being aware of current news subjects but not allowing my mind to consume me by worse case thoughts.
I was going to leave my review here. This week’s pothole on this journey called life will be a success in personal life. Interaction on a societal level marks a failure when balanced against the media, but a success when looked at I have not allowed it to send me to an anxiety attack that put a full stop to my day and week, just a couple hours here and there. Keep journeying forward, life looks different no matter who you are.
Well, I see I have lied to myself. I was planning to stay away from the Black Lives Matter subject in my posts. As an individual and upbringing, I do not feel I have a right to concentrate on the subject, partly due to limited impact. For health reasons, I need to focus on the professional and self-healing of my mental health. I felt comfortable last week when I was in my decision to vote for change and treat those I come in contact with equally as I always had tried.
Current media topic of defunding the police here in the US; a quick reaction terrifies me that my family’s safety and community; I hear no substantial how-to policy changes, just rhetoric. Yes, reform needs making, but the way the media presents this defunding makes me feel unsafe. Felt safe during the peaceful protests or the riots—this seeming broad sweeping defunding terrifies. Also, the Democrats wearing the ethnic colored scarfs seem more like a photo op and voting opportunity than a real understanding of what asked.
What I strive to do is research as best to my ability both sides of what presented. Which going through it continued to terrify me. So here are the parts I located, and where I place my personal opinion and conclusion.
Canadian media review of what defunding means. Which seems safe from the beginning. The discretionary view is part of the concern. The structural change sounds good, but I do not see much in the regular news of how this will work. My question of social workers is about racism with-in social workers. Additionally, the social workers we currently have now what is the procedures they follow. The problem: Why do we need to be told to care for our citizens’ social needs. If we have not done it in the past, what does that look like now? Some of the ideas mentioned, if done well, seem possible to work. But is that not what social services was supposed to be from the beginning. Why do we need riots to push at the process already in place?
Diverse view of what has to lead up to the current racism protests. Liked the question of who is a more or less racist argument among politicians. Which begs the questions, what are we arguing over when human lives are at risk? The topic seems to be moving into a political stamp, and not a people need because we are moving to an election. Fascinated about the toss of statistics around that are different depending on the origin of statistics.
I hear her point, but if we are increasing social reforms and workers. A system that is already overwhelmed; we cannot even protect our abused children or assist in the care needs of others. What will this increase in social care be toward, and how? My concern is what happens to all people that this system helped. Just a quick on timestamp 3.28-3.35, she mentions that Black Lives Matter started six years ago. Initially, I thought that was unfactual then realized she meant her specific group when that phrase had used for centuries, even back during Martin Luther’s and James Baldwin’s time.
I do agree with him that this is just an election moment. There will be no change. Bring up the thought is that if we genuinely look at the number review. I did notice he mentioned mental health. Those who do have funds have a hard time now to get services, so how are we going to finance an increase in mental health care. Do these big corporations understand what they fund? I do agree with him on the corporate level of integration, and it is not just the black lives that impacted even though black lives impacted harsher than others.
In going through a small amount of what was available, I could not find much on what the case managers feel about this shift. I do know from many of the articles I receive from social worker associations that before this, there is a high burn out rate. What is to prevent even more trauma as their duties increase?
I found this an excellent perspective from four years ago that the instant change some protestors, media, and politicians are immediately demanding as we already know needs changes. This change requires changes in the local area with desire, thought, and planning. Love the image of a clergy member in each of a police car (time stamp 9.13) not to happen just his vision; it could be anyone that the community respects. Sadly, when looking up Baltimore, I ran across this article showing systemic racism, https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-systemic-racism-in-baltimores-police-force/2016/08/10/86ce448a-5f3f-11e6-9d2f-b1a3564181a1_story.html. Which at least to me presents it is the individual leader who makes a change, not broad sweeping legislation changes. Found a follow up 2018 follow up of what Melvin Russell says to Dandymite Media. ‘I Hate the Police’ What Happened?
Currently, for me, the town I live in is not explicitly talking about defunding our police. In a way, though our voting on police levies our community defunds the police often, it is not something that routinely passes when we vote. Why do we not take these changes demanded of police defunding with actual workable facts and policies and put it to the citizen to vote? Politicians do not seem to have a personal history of making these decisions well. Let the people genuinely impacted by the removal of our police force, and an increase and social services make the decisions.
Anxiety and depression wise I am still terrified and distracted by what-ifs. Emotionally going to place this subject where I did Black Lives Matter protests. Watch what my local politicians are doing. What voting or town hall meetings are available on this subject. Attend and vote where needed. I can only oversee what happens in my town—an state and federal when it is my time to vote. Watching once a day, a variety of news outlets from around the country will keep me updated and aware. I was striving to not concentrate on these topics because I see the media following the political party’s opinions and makes them look good for more votes for their party, not what will genuinely help those involved and impacted. The recent wearing of the kente fabric (https://www.aaihs.org/the-history-and-significance-of-kente-cloth-in-the-black-diaspora/) by federal employees, personally reinforces that. Just painful to see the pain of those that need help to be ignored again but given lip service that things will change this time around.
Do have a positive I was able to make some personal progress on my Anxiety research.
Must say this week was a success for me, almost thought I was going to have to claim a full failure. For those who do not live with mental or physical health concerns, it is probably considered a failure. Those opinions are not me thou I am going to stand on success proudly. Where I had struggles this week thinking things through and did only accomplish physically the minimal and did not accomplish the anxiety research I wanted to. Started the week dwelling heavily on information from news outlets and social media conversation and what was presented on the subject of racism protests, looting, police and politician interactions thought was going move me into the emotional position of failure.
Writing my thoughts and continuing to research the subject on Thursday settled my mind for the most part. I have had to accept that due to where I live and my own physical and psychological limitations. I am not a physical protestor; all I can respond peaceful and not forward social media posts that stroke a fire that accomplishes nothing. All I can do is educate myself and my daughter, so we strive to continue to try to the best of our ability is to treat all equally. Indeed all lives matter.
What kept me struggling at the beginning of the week was the violence and how a segment of our society said it was okay because people were in pain. Another aspect that kept pushing me was the struggles and actions of racism toward the Native Americans, Orientals, Muslims, Physical Disabilities, Mental Disabilities, Religious choice, LGBT, or any other aspect outside of the ‘normal’ that looked at critically. I understand from what I have researched; blacks have it worse; there is a whole culture of disdain and pain if I have read the right things. Also, I kept cycling with why as a society we go up in arms for two maybe three weeks, and then it is all forgotten when something new takes over the media, and no actual change takes place.
The other aspect of struggle was before two weeks ago; the police could do no wrong during this shelter in place. How, as news outlets and social media, can we move from one subject be amazing to critical and death the next? Almost ready to swear off watching the news, many seem to fan the flames of anger and pain not report equally. Also, I am tired of questioning what truth and sensationalized. Sorry to rehash a subject that is moving back to a forgotten topic and that I already wrote on. Just I kept feeling like a failure as a person because the whole black squares on social media more irritated me than proved a point. Celebrities are popping out of the woodwork supporting the subject of black lives matter. If they genuinely believe in what they speak, hopefully, they are already involved in making changes. The subject that has been around since our country helped founded with the help of slavery? Plantation owners built their money from inexpensive workers.
Additionally, as a society, at least if the US population had not changed some, they would not be in at least have a chance to be in such a place of financial prosperity. I just felt like I was failing as a human because I cannot help in this struggle. Nevermind my simplistic thinking is we all live on this earth. Why can’t we accept we are all different and will not agree on everything. Must we respond to differences with violence? Then I realize that is unrealistic because we have had wars for less. Okay, I am moving off my soapbox of confusion and concern.
I am moving on reading and watching the pain. Both the protestors and the police are trying to make positive changes. What stood out and was concerning was those that communicated with violence attacked was looking to keep this week as a failure. The reason I have moved toward success is that I have accepted that I am a remarkably ineffectual cog in a wheel of something I cannot understand or change due to personality and location. Change needs making, but I am not in a position to contribute. I am okay with that now. I took many days toward feeling like I have failed blacks and society. But my success is that my anxiety and depression are not putting me at a place of emotional destruction because I cannot fit myself emotionally to what social media says we should be. It is not who I am.
To me, we are all human beings. I may not agree with the decisions made. I am embarrassed at times of calling myself human. But we are all indeed individuals, and we all look and interact with life differently. Experiences cause differences, thought processes, emotional reactions, education, and so many to list. Those differences are surprised when things are going well.
On the issue of black racism, yes, from what I have read, things are wrong. We are still a foreign culture as a melting pot of beliefs, customs, and history of pain and poor political decisions. The US has at least changed a small amount we had a black president, 50 years after Martin Luther King Jr. and 150 years after the civil war ended. Heck, I know at least in my family that some members are older than I use negative words to describe blacks because that is what they have always called them, and ‘that is what they are.’ All I can do is personally ask that person not to speak like that around me. The world as a whole, there will always be sections of our society that are extremists. Where does this leave me again?
All I can do is concentrate on continuing to treat everyone I come in contact with as equal. We are all capable of evil if pushed wrong. Striving to learn of who we are emotionally and what our strengths and weaknesses. My success in the week is that I am still standing; my anxiety and depression have settled. I am comfortable with accepting that I am not in a position to do amazing things. All I can do is research and teach to the best of my limited skills. Vote to the best of my ability, sign petitions when asked, and keep my section of the social media peaceful.
Thank you for sticking with this journey of discovery through such a difficult subject we are currently rehashing in our news outlets and social media. May all those on the front lines of this current subject stay safe. May some progress be made in protecting all those directly involved protesters trying to communicate change and police striving to safely do their job of protecting all citizens of their area. May the police that should not be in that profession be safely found out and removed. Those destroying property and theft caught. Hopefully, the term racism is treated with care when creating policy changes that all minorities of ethnicity, religion, or thought be protected unless physical or emotional violence occurs. There are so many shades of grey within the words of racism.
Have a great week. Here is to be returning to making progress on my anxiety research.
I have included a couple of videos of James Baldwin that helped me see what life is from a viewpoint I have no reference to except a couple acquaintances and co-workers that are black. One from 1965 and 1979.
Something that is opposite of everything but thought I would include this video and song. Video is Dick and Rick Hoyt of a father and son that participates in marathons (http://www.teamhoyt.com/). Song written by Paul Sikes and Bonnie Baker and song performed by Troy Johnson, found it uplifting during this time of struggle.
Saw this tree on my walk, and it reflected how it’s alone in a field just at the beginning of housing development, and behind a strip of stores, both just sitting there not moving, not offering anything productive just resonated with me. This weekend (6/1/2020) that with the protest turned riots and the overwhelming feeling of what’s the point and what have I contributed to help or hinder. I thought I helped by supporting my local church and missionaries in our inner-city area of Cleveland, OH. What’s the point, another example of our politicians and apathetic people not doing anything, which got me even worse feeling with my anxiety. Realized, I do not have enough personal knowledge and facts to make an informed opinion and action. I have included a video I watched a couple of days ago. I will say now it is a Christian pastor I am sorry if this offends but appreciated what he said. I have also included Tested by Adam Savage, who also gave a different perspective personally, it came off harsh. Both provide different views but similar in how this looks moving forward. Both helped me realize that due to my physical and mental health limitations, my task is to find where I can help in the small picture, not the large image.
What I came away with from both that we are responsible for our actions alone. For me, that puts me at peace with continuing to donate to food pantries, homeless shelters, and personal churches. For the prejudice is not forward any inflammatory social media posts when possible respond with researched facts and linking websites. Strive to greet all citizens of this world equally. When a conversation comes up, be honest that I do not have enough effects to make a decision.
Part of this current peace that turned into rioting partially about the fact that inequality of finances, health, insurance, work, bullying, foster care, school shootings, and the list goes on. Our media presents it when something traumatic happens, and we hear about it, and social media becomes agitated for a couple of weeks, but nothing ever entirely changes.
Selfishly some emotionally, this makes me exhausted from trying to figure out what I can do in the big picture. Realistically I cannot, so small changes will continue to be a battle plan. As mentioned earlier is donating where I can, treating others as equals. Verbally and social media respond in a virtuous manner. Limit my watching of news and research the actual problem. Another aspect is striving to examine the voting history and speeches of the people I vote for and participate when I can on local policy issues or changes. Sorry for the long and draining writing; it has been an issue listening to the diverse opinions of both positive and negative.
My anxiety and depression have gotten a workout from overthinking what I have contributed to the problem. Then I have to realize I am in an area of Ohio that is limited in interaction with the blatant racism currently publicized at least that I am aware.
Another aspect of thought that came to me as I struggled emotionally over this subject is It has only been 155 years since the Civil War and 55 years since Martin Luther King Jr killed. As a people, we do not like change. An example of this by the Jim Crow Museum (below is what I found about the museum). What is impressive to me is how recently this was in place if you look at the dates involved. It is fantastic that we live in a country that voted a black president so recently given the years seen in the movie. Even then, Obama characterized in the video. Something that struck me is what seen in this museum is a time frame that these people are or were recently alive bringing up children who could now be in our political arena, protection fields, and any other corporate structure. We have a long way to go, but progress is being made.
Nevermind, we have the Native Americans systematically being killed through a lack of services on Reservations. They were here before any of us. Here is an article Native American tribes’ pandemic response impacted by many inequities https://news.yahoo.com/native-american-tribes-pandemic-response-124729299.html. So much pain in this world inequality comes in many forms, as mentioned previously in all aspects of our society. Even those struggling with mental health have limited resources to help us due to personal finances and lack of insurance.
As an individual, what is the position of accountability when our social media tells us that we are right or wrong? As an individual, what is my place with the inequalities of life? Unsure how others feel, but I will continue to grow as an individual with a variety of health issues and a desire to support my fellow man within my limited sphere of influence. I cannot fix the world and its issues. There always be inequality all I can contribute is not to add to the pain and support those I come in contact with that are in pain.
I have really been struggling this week and end of last so I had to get my thoughts out on paper. If it helps wonderful, if not I am sorry.
WARNING: This video of the Jim Crow Museum has some very violent pictures and scary images showing what was in place early 1900 to now. I am sorry if this offends people but felt it is important to show there is a long battle ahead to counteract many years of racism.
Sitting and considering this week with my desire to find the positive in a negative week. This week was the hardest to move toward seeing success. Anxiety was expansive and draining. Due to my sleep apnea and periodic nights of insomnia that leaves me tired anyway, I skate the edge of exhaustion daily. Anxiety adds one more level of drain. Where do I find the positive in a week of failures?
I am no stranger to failure. Is that failure a personal perception or just fact? If looked at from the lens of ‘normal’ answer is yes. The answer to yes is from the point that I am only working 32 hours a week, maintain the basics of home care, motivating my daughter to finish her classes this last week of school, work on blog posts/T-shirt design, care for pets, and cooking dinner. I did not sort much in my goal of downsizing. So the personal perspective of the ordinary is that I did not achieve an average week. One if asked by others that I would not be embarrassed to review with an outsider. With that thought, I am looking at this week as an utter failure. The choice of being transparent is that perfection is a personal perception and that success is in how you look at life. How do I find success in my muddy pond of perceived failure?
Let’s begin with an acceptance that last week I had a plan for my sleeping medication, and due to events out of my control, I was not able to follow through. Sleep is such a significant component of my energy. Not being able to add more rest impacted my strength—the exhaustion presented by falling asleep at my desk. Additionally, due to lack of sleep or a shift in my hormone levels, my anxiety was worse.
Anxiety is a daily battle of over the top concern that I am letting people down. This week was infinitely worse. My husband chose to do something for me. I thanked him for doing it. Mentally though, I immediately started to prepare an apology that he had to do something that I usually do but had not achieved. Also, developing excuse was the mental drowning of what a failure I am, that my husband works full time, and the primary provider had to take care of a piece of home care because I fell asleep when I got home from work. Well, did that not look pathetic or what? Yeah, anxiety is a deep hole of muck and mire that pulls you down to a level that you feel like you are constantly drowning in failure. So far, this does not get me closer to digging out of the muck and mire and moving to a clean pond of success.
I was dredging the week’s muck and mire, maybe if I looked at what was different. Started Monday well, I had gotten two good nights of sleep and was able to follow my created to-do list to the letter. That always gives me a level of peace. Monday afternoon worked on a box of clutter and finished preparing our home for hot weather and setting up the portable air conditioner. While at work in the evening, the cat injured himself. I stayed up to early am Tuesday, making sure it was a sprain, not a break, and shifting the cat’s favorites to my room where he was away from the dog. Monitoring stretched into Wednesday evening until I had to verify with the vet on Thursday the leg sprained not broken. It was, which is excellent. Okay, so reality check my energy started heading to zero because with monitoring the cat, I did not take any of my evening meds like planned. One negative down and mental muck discarded where it belongs to the trash heap of failure that I am striving not to live.
On the next level of muck, Tuesday and Thursday were full of appointments. It is allowing me not to keep to my daily schedule, even though following the plan is essential to me, feeling triumphant when I accomplish caring for home and family. With being tired and a variety of appointments, the schedule could not be maintained, struggling that this is okay. Life has impasses, and we need to move through them, not let them stop us. Muck of illogical thought is sticking on this subject. The home and family should have care done to them even in times of distraction and exhaustion. With a partial acceptance, it is okay that I did not accomplish all that I wanted to in weekly care—moving on to the final illogical level of anxiety muck.
Next is that even though I made positive remarks and acceptance about my T-shirt designs and being okay with them not selling. Internally I am a liar. I created for the T-shirts, not having any sales, and consumed with reading comments left on Facebook. Reinforced by the fact that I read a post on my page because I liked and followed the store page. One of the individuals on my personal Facebook page commented that she was probably going to stop going on Facebook because of all the ads. My anxiety automatically assumed she was offended by my shirt design about face masks. Both aspects bother me and that this adds to my internal mucky lies of failure. I do have a positive that I did have strength in myself to create the Facebook page and invest in advertising, even though the consequences triggered an anxiety attack. When searching for the precise truth out of all the emotional muck that my mind has created this week?
With great struggle, I can see that there was a success even though my anxiety makes it difficult to understand. Success for me a short time is that another person’s reaction is not about me, and that is okay. No one was hurt. My husband helped around the house, and I thanked him for not acting like he had done something wrong because I was worried that I could not get to it. A creative outlet is just that the store was for creativity, not financial, and with the pandemic worldwide, people are concerned about how to live with less, and getting something not food-related is low on the purchase list. Also, things do not happen immediately. Emotionally this week was a success. This success comes from the perspective that I am not dwelling on my perceived failure of the week, after digging through the muck of illogical anxiety-driven thought. Many of my perceptions directed so negatively. The success is that I can acknowledge this negativity and see the positive and move toward the next week. In moving forward, I can begin fresh and try again. With this situation being repetitive, it may be time to consider returning to researching anxiety at both an education level and scriptural level. Past, neither was a cure-all but allowed me not to be stuck in the muck of my thoughts for weeks just days.
Here is a favorite drawing, I do not know the creator; it has been years since I saw it, and I cut it paste it into a document.
Just a gentle reminder to balance out the protests and life daily struggles this week, I ran across What’s the World Coming to? Song, with video by Home Free in their album Dive Bar Saints. I found it very uplifting, and for me, a beautiful reminder that bad days are okay, we need to learn from them and move forward. Have a great week.
Home Free – What’s the World Coming To? (Official Music Video)
Side note: Due to the protests, May the World keeps moving toward accepting everyone as equals and individuals, including cultural, social, ethnic, financial, political, and belief. I know it is a pipe dream, but it never hurts to pray for equal healing and understanding. My thoughts are with both the peaceful protestors and the law enforcement that are just trying to do the best they can. The protestors to peacefully get their point across and the law enforcement to protect the people. Both sides of the equation have people of violence. May the media strive to show the peaceful and the force and not just push at only the intensity because that raises the ratings. Any death of a civilian unprovoked is wrong, but responding by destroying property not even connected to the actual situation solves nothing. Here in Ohio, many restaurants were damaged and looted, and cars burned. What does that genuinely gain except to reinforce outsiders’ opinion that violence needs to respond with force? Some did respond with a positive response. Not taking a position, because I do not have enough unbiased information, just an opinion based on current and past protests. I support those that strive to peacefully get their point across even if it will not change unless tests can be done to weed out racism in all forms. Then there would be no one because we all have some form of racism in us. Another aspect to maybe pursue is not shaming our law enforcement and acknowledge that their jobs are stressful and they need professional care before they make a harmful decision on a civilian. PTSD I am sure is part of the police force just as it is in the military. Just not something talked about because they are our protectors. Most of all work on fiscal, communication, and educational equality for those impacted by their generational circumstances. Not justifying the wrong being done right now by either side. Just giving a different perspective to the increased violence. Below is a variety of videos from this weekend in the Cleveland, Ohio area. Sorry for so many just such an amazing variety, could have included more.
An aspect of my life that controls me is anxiety. My anxiety shapes every decision I make good or bad. Foundation of the fear is pleasing others. Making sure everyone is happy around me, even when that means placing myself in a position of negativity. Living since childhood like this is easy to stay there. It is such a daily struggle to bring awareness to ingrained habits. Where will this journey recognition take me? Unsure, but prayerfully it will be a person that is a balance between pleasing others and honoring myself.
Aspects that got me thinking about this is what I truly want out of the next half of my life. Do I want to be held back by my fear of the unknown and not pleasing others that I do not even know? Is that any way of living? No, but if I have not had the strength before what says I do now. Was watching the attached video of someone who with planning set out on his dream of traveling. Not what my goal is at this time, but watching his reaction when he saw the fantastic Canadian scenery. Lately, my guilty pleasure has been watching this man’s freedom of being himself. From this video, he had one phrase at the end’ Dreams Don’t Get Handed To You – You Earn These Moments’. Another expression he had was ‘Tough Times Pay Off – I am Proof of That.’
WARNING some people may be offended by the first two minutes of his reaction to people watching wildlife while out of their car. I just wanted to give people a heads up. I agree that when viewing wildlife, one should stay in their automobile.
Life of anxiety and desire to change is acknowledged what next? Ugh, I am so confused and scared. I strive to live a presence there to help others, but finding the strength to say I do not have the desire, time, or energy is hard. Another more significant anxiety struggle is how do I stop the thoughts of misunderstanding a person’s demeanor where I interpret that I am doing something wrong. I need to change myself when coming to find out that I did not even register with that person as a problem or care.
Future goals are an aspect that is important in this walk. What are those goals? Short term goal, as mentioned, is downsized and empty current house of clutter. Long Term goal own land and self-sufficient entertain friends and groups. Another long term goal is to support my husband and me with my creativity. Where to go when you do not know how to start?
Truly the anxiety is the most draining aspect of the mental health that I move forward through life. The short and long term goals are achievable in small steps. The anxiety, though, makes the steps like baby steps, not adult size. My mind becomes overwhelmed by overthinking a person’s reaction or word choice, and what did I do wrong. Anxiety has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. Unsure of how to stop or turn the fear into a positive lifestyle aspect. A sample is an acquaintance of mine, and I spent an afternoon together that individual was quiet and did not contribute much. Once we parted ways, I have spent the last five hours off and on worrying about what I had said wrong instead of doing any sorting or artwork. Other than contacting and looking like an idiot and asking the next day. Then I start thinking they feel bad for me and lie. How do you make your mind stop such unproductive thoughts?
In years past, I embarrass myself and ask if there is a problem with something I have done. This life transparency then leads to even more concern of childish image to those around me. But what if my action had hurt that person’s feelings. Striving to shift years of this train of thought seems daunting. I think I am going to leave this here. I am stuck on worrying about what I have done. I have no ideas. Stagnant in a pool of doubt of my worth and genuine contribution to the world around me.
For the individual situation, I am going to ask and pray for the truth. Then on a lifestyle path is research and figure out how to change my current steps. What I have been doing helps a little but not enough. I waste so much time and energy overthinking when there was nothing wrong just in how I thought. Will continue to ponder anxiety and how to adjust years of habits and thoughts. I can not keep living trapped by my negative perception of others’ feelings and actions.
Another week has come and gone. With that comes a sense of relief and frustration. Feelings of stagnation and why bother are substantial on my mind. My mind and body have positioned me at the bottom of a pothole on this journey of life. With that acceptance come where to go from here.
Over the years, I have watched towns fill in and cover up potholes, but they show up worse than ever the next year. Sometimes even a month later. So as an individual resting at the bottom of my pothole. Where do I go from here? Because wallowing between staying here accomplishing nothing or begin the slow process of excavation toward the repair. Where am I physically and emotionally? Unsure
In years past, wallowing has been the choice, would put me on the autopilot of normality. The one where people are amazed that something is wrong. When people ask you how you are doing, and you answer with something other than beautiful. Autopilot is when the inside of your mind is just a grey cloud of nothing. Life is guided not by what is important to you, the individual, but what is essential to the people I come in contact with during one’s day. They are my guideposts of what I accomplish, with no thought of how exhausted or overwhelmed I will become. I was there at the beginning of the week and headed toward the weekend.
My autopilot times have lasted from weeks to years what I need to work on and have been this year. Physically I am tired. I returned to falling asleep, sitting up at my desk around two o’clock in the afternoon, which shows that sleep apnea is impacting me more than I would like to admit. With that, tiredness comes from the fact that I did finally start designing and uploading my creative designs, and the perfectionist in me keeps picking apart what I could have done differently. Tiredness and feeling of apathy that has returned have stopped the downsizing and decluttering. The clutter is from my past years of autopilot. Well, I guess it is time to begin the real excavation, so I do not become comfortable in the bottom of my emotional and physical pothole.
Physical exhaustion repair is limited. I need to work from seven am to noon with some four-eight to nine pm shifts. I can keep taking herbal sleeping aids that do partially work. I at least do not get up twice in the middle of the night, mostly, but I do not feel fully rested. I am seeing even after two weeks an impact through the exhaustion. With the insomnia medication makes me feel groggy the next morning. I did start viewing improvement in not falling asleep while sitting up midday when I had less AM hours and could take more of the insomnia medication. Also, the long term projects, I had the clarity of thought and energy to move forward. Another aspect I noticed was one of the freelancing projects I tried to qualify for I could not achieve due to I could not keep clear and concise thoughts. Frustrating because I used to be very good with transcribing, and I currently struggle. The excavation moving forward where to go from here?
Until the sleep study, I am minimal in my current options. The herbal sleeping pill from Sunday to Friday night is not strong enough right now. So shifting to more structured off and on herbal and medication may need to be tried. In the evenings, I work till nine and arrive at seven am the next day I will take the herbal. On days I am not working till nine, I will go to bed early and take the prescription medication. Trying that may work, I do find on Saturday night when I can take the prescription and sleep till I wake up I am fully rested and clear-headed. See how that goes this week. Before people are concerned, the insomnia medication is as needed. Prior there were eight prescriptions over the years seems this current one has worked without too many side effects. Well, the pothole now has a foundation toward the substantial repair. Let’s excavate the next aspect of pothole creation and restoration.
Creativity and perfectionism that is a long and drawn-out task of repair. Some of the shirt designs are not as crisp as I would like. I have to remind myself that the drawing of the sloth was with a free art program and a mouse. I tried to borrow my daughter’s drawing pad to work on my pictures and have crisper lines, but it did not work on my Macbook, which was three days of frustration and feelings of why can I not do anything right. Followed by the phrases make sense to me, but will they to others.
Additionally, I have not marketed them fully through Facebook and other social media. I feel like a failure because I am more worried about people’s comments than getting it out there, so people that do feel as I do have something that represents them. The t-shirt about wearing a face mask is what has me frozen and worrying the most. I think I will feel better if I create one designed for those that think it is unnecessary. Well, that is the plan and repair of the first layer of material to complete this week’s pothole.
The final layer of pothole repair toward the decluttering and downsizing the house will have to be a wait and see how accomplished. I might return to it but grab one item as I go through a room and find a location for it—areas of choice Goodwill boxes, trash, and put away where it belongs. The goal is to have more to go to Goodwill and dumpster then re-home in the house. With that in mind, due diligence, this pothole cap will stay on for a couple of weeks or months. A year would be fantastic, but my mental health would like to place me back in areas that reinforce the internal dialogue from growing up that I am a failure and can do nothing right.
So as I wrap up this week’s review of failure or success, let us see. I have to say I was successful in that I did not dwell on my shortcomings this week, as long as I usually do. I have reviewed and developed a workable plan to keep moving forward toward my goals. So I feel like a failure due to not achieving more but will put this week in success because I did not allow my feelings of failure to overwhelm me to where I gave up.
May everyone have a great week as they move through this time of adjustment as the different countries around the World try to open up from COVID-19 standstill. May those looking for work find something soon. Those waiting for the plan or call to return safely are on everyone’s mind. Have a peaceful and motivating week, even if that involves changing from pajamas to real clothes and take a walk around the neighborhood.
Random Observations 